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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm better off single?!

60 replies

notenoughbottle · 21/02/2016 10:18

The whole weekend I've watched the AIBU board fill up with threads about U 'd'h's and 'd'p's who to be honest sound like absolute idiots. I've been single again for over a year and have three dc's. Things can be difficult but there is no one else to ask so I just get in and do it myself - which is better than when I used to have to nag help from lazy twat ex's. Now I know some of these may be just the h or p having a bad day themselves but I'm genuinely shocked by just how many awful men there are out there and why anyone continues to put up with it. I've been thinking about dating again and I now feel rather put off! AIBU?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 21/02/2016 10:22

I've dated, last time for six years, but I would never live with someone again.

Unless you are rearing children together, I wouldn't take the rough bits and certainly wouldn't put up with anyone else's mood swings, over work etc, which seems to be used as an excuse for what is really bad behaviour.

I think as you get older, not living together is the way forward.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/02/2016 10:28

YANBU.

Oysterbabe · 21/02/2016 10:34

Yabu. My husband is a great husband and father. You just need to not put up with idiots, have high standards.

RichardLawton · 21/02/2016 10:36

Most people carry some degree of emotional and psychological wounding - and mostly don't realise it. They bring their stuff into a relationship where it interacts with the stuff their partner brings... Hardly surprising that most marriages end in divorce (and of those that don't, how many are truly happy?)

If you're single you avoid the inevitable conflicts. But then you never get faced with being challenged over your stuff.

Ultimately it's a matter of what you think the purpose of life is. To be all that you can be (which involves painful growth) or to take the easy path of being less.

Osolea · 21/02/2016 10:43

There are a lot of benefits to being single that stand alone without comparing yourself to other people that have unhappy relationships.

There are awful men out there, but there are great ones as well. Don't be put off dating, it could be something you really enjoy. Just make sure you know what you want and don't allow yourself to be sucked into a negative situation.

WhoWants2Know · 21/02/2016 10:45

Meh. Why is it so important to be "challenged over your stuff" by a romantic partner? Is there not enough "painful growth" to be had in living as a single parent, working as a woman in a male-dominated society, and an individual's own search for knowledge and truth in life? Am I taking an easy path and "being less" because I haven't kept any of the narcissists, alcoholic, cock-lodging, emotionally abusive, or generally moody bastards work out their emotional baggage in my space?

My position is that I'm better off single until someone proves otherwise.

theycallmemellojello · 21/02/2016 10:47

Well no one's going to start a thread in AIBU about their wonderful, supportive, loving DP and the lovely things he does are they??

maddiemay · 21/02/2016 10:47

Being single just is.

To me, it's a bit like saying 'AIBU to think I'm better off with brown hair.' It's not something that needs fixing but nor is it better than being in a relationship. Either it suits you and you like it, or you don't.

To continue the hair analogy, it's sad when people are so desperate not to have brown hair they are prepared to wreck their scalp to change it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/02/2016 10:48

RichardLawton I think staying with an unsuitable partner can create a lesser life.

Suggesting single people are 'less' is ridiculous and simplistic.

Fairenuff · 21/02/2016 10:50

I agree that it's better to be single than to be with a selfish partner. But sharing your life with someone who loves and respects you is preferable imo.

MsJamieFraser · 21/02/2016 10:51

YABU, basically your saying because of a minority of thoughtless men, all men are the same. They are not.

My dh can be thoughtless a times (like this weekend) however it's just one day of school ur 17 years together, 99% of the times he is fantastic in all aspects.

maddiemay · 21/02/2016 10:51

Statistically, women are happier single, men are not.

MsJamieFraser · 21/02/2016 10:53

How did auto correct change our into school ur Hmm

KoalaDownUnder · 21/02/2016 10:54

God, there are a million ways to live a 'full' life and challenge yourself without being in a relationship.

Of course there are some wonderful marriages and partnerships out there. There are also a hell of a lot of women not living a full life, because all their energies go on maintaining a substandard relationship (because society tells them they must be in one).

CooPie10 · 21/02/2016 10:56

Yabu, mn is not representative of the entire world of relationships it's very skewed. If you keep ending up with losers, then you need to look at why you are choosing them . There are plenty of good men out there, in fact I don't think I know any men who are bad. It's about who you choose as partners, friends and why you pick them.

Katenka · 21/02/2016 10:56

Yanbu to want to be single.

Yabu to base that on threads on mn.

My dh doesn't get pissed a disappear, cheat and expect me to do all the housework. He just a decent normal bloke, not a dick head.

The thread here are people looking for advice and to rant. So you see more negative than positive.

I don't think people need to be in a relationship to be fulfilled or have a good/full life. But MN isn't representative of all relationships either

KoalaDownUnder · 21/02/2016 10:58

It's not about men being 'good' or 'bad', though. I know some genuinely good men who make terrible romantic partners.

maddiemay · 21/02/2016 10:59

I'm a rubbish girlfriend, to be fair!

dangerrabbit · 21/02/2016 11:03

YABU

People don't post on relationships if everything is rosy so don't let that put you off!

Equally, no one should feel pressured into or obliged to have a relationship

1frenchfoodie · 21/02/2016 11:11

What danger said, people in happy relationships are far less likely to post so you get a skewed picture here.

comingintomyown · 21/02/2016 11:15

To me it isn't just about the obvious cases of where there is laziness , cheating etc etc it's the more insidious stuff where you eat the food they like, go on the holidays they like, subconsciously most of the time. It wasn't until I started living alone I realised how much I had compromised in almost every area of my life.

Ok in hindsight I didn't have to but it does seem to be what a lot of women do and I see it all the time in my married friends lives. Not for me anymore thanks

cannotlogin · 21/02/2016 11:15

Ultimately it's a matter of what you think the purpose of life is. To be all that you can be (which involves painful growth) or to take the easy path of being less

what?! you think I am 'less' than....I don't know who/what....by virtue of being single? I have been single for almost 8 years. I didn't have an obviously abusive relationship prior to that but I was married for many years to someone who quietly despised me and destroyed my self-esteem and general 'joie de vivre'. The aftermath of him leaving was the most painful thing I have ever dealt with - and the path to where I am now was incredibly difficult because to get to being happy and comfortable in my own skin, on my own, doing stuff on my own, I have had to face up to the crap that lead me into a poor quality relationship and kept me there for years. I am most certainly today way more than I would ever have been had I continued in my marriage. There is nothing on earth that you could throw at me today that I couldn't handle/cope with/deal with. I am absolutely 'all that I can be' and the personal growth involved in getting here was incredibly painful.

quite seriously, who do you think you judging people in this way?

ofuckit · 21/02/2016 11:18

Your choice entirely, so YANBU.

But I know many more good, decent men (DH included) than 'idiots'. Some people are idiots, most are not.

As others have said, reality is somewhat skewed on relationship boards as people tend to post only when they have a problem. That leaves millions of women out there not talking online about their perfectly happy relationship.

Also, if you go into a relationship assuming all men are arseholes and will treat you badly, it tends to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

catsinthecraddle · 21/02/2016 11:18

Keep an open mind, you never know.

It's completely fine if you are single, as long as you are happy.

I would be awfully lonely without my husband. We do bicker about nonsense, and we both have annoying habits, but we're happy together. I like to have someone to talk to, to give me a hug, to joke with, to share things with. We're both free to do as we please (as much as you can be free with children), but it's lovely when someone picks you up from the station late at night, makes you diner, go and buy junk food, or medicine your forgot. The house feels empty when he's away. I know I am lucky, the man never ever finishes the last chocolate bar!

I wouldn't move in with someone for the sake of not being alone, but you can be happy with someone.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 21/02/2016 11:19

It's MN, take it with a pinch of salt. Given its mainly women, there's no posts from men about rubbish female partners to balance things out. Neither do you get many nice posts about decent men.

Many are also nit picking, how dare he have a rare night out or come in later than planned etc. If posted by a women she would be encouraged to go out and told she is not a child so doesn't need a curfew.

Being single can be great, being in a relationship can be great. Being happy is the most important thing and people shouldnt a partner to be that.