To think I'm better off single?!

[notenoughbottle]

The whole weekend I've watched the AIBU board fill up with threads about U 'd'h's and 'd'p's who to be honest sound like absolute idiots. I've been single again for over a year and have three dc's. Things can be difficult but there is no one else to ask so I just get in and do it myself - which is better than when I used to have to nag help from lazy twat ex's. Now I know some of these may be just the h or p having a bad day themselves but I'm genuinely shocked by just how many awful men there are out there and why anyone continues to put up with it. I've been thinking about dating again and I now feel rather put off! AIBU?

I agree cannotlogin and I am wondering if in fact that poster meant it the other way round ?

I don't think I'd live with someone again if I split with DH. I hope that wont happen.

I bloody love being single

I suppose I didn't think of it in the way of there only being mn's who come on with an AIBU and not a praise thread instead. I'm also surrounded by people and friends who have relationship issues in that one or another are not 'performing' to the level the other expects. I've been in two awful relationships myself. Maybe I'll stay single until my dc are old enough to not come into it given that it seems a huge amount of problems are to do with who does what etc. Anyway some good viewpoints so thanks.

I was married for nearly 20 years. It is much better being single.

I prefer being single, cannot see living with anyone again ever. I am a hetro male and I could levy many of the anti-men arguments in reverse (with some modifications of course) but in the end it's pointless generalising. I get lonely occasionally and miss intimacy often, but it doesn't outweigh what I'd have to sacrifice.

All I do is weed out the ones I don't like, or if I like them they dump me after 6 weeks to go back in to the sweet shop.

There's a common misconception on all dating advice that if you instantly weed out the men who don't respect you and value you, that men who do value you and respect you will be noticeable and I'm afraid that doesn't follow.

When I never looked for a relationship, I was fine. I had an equilibrium that was steady. I was content. Occasionally I wondered if I would be happy being with somebody but that was fleeting. It was kind of like a marriage :-p

Now, I'm constantly questioning life, love, men, relationships, how difficult it all is. I don't know what the answer is. I'd love to have somebody to chat to, sleep with, be nice to, laugh with, go out with............... but it is a simple thing that other normal women manage to make happen and I can't make it happen. I am very independent though, luckily, and I have good female friends who are single too. It's not really what I want though.

If you can just accept being single then go for it. I did for a long time, but I'm tired of it now. It worked well for me for a long time though! It really was the best thing for me for three or four years.

whowantstoknow I agree with you so much! I've grown enough! I left one bad relationship, I was a single parent, I've dealt with my parents' disappointment in me, my own frustrations, at my new financial status my thwarted career, being a single parent and juggling it all and talking it through with my psychotherapist! Reading helpful books. Taking a lot from them. Processing it. Thinking about things. Recovering!! finding financial independence, making new friends in similar situations! Getting back on my feet. The DC being old enough to eke out some small freedoms.....

I'm pretty sure I've "grown" far more than somebody in a long marriage.

I also agree with your take (I think this is your take) that a relationship should be easy! I don't want to be constantly compromising. I would like the communication to be satisfying, not a battle.

constant negotiation is not fun and it's not growth. A relationship should be easy.

On the one hand, you do only hear about horrendous examples of the male species on this board. On the other, there are so many new ones every day!

And I agree OP, that it's rare to see a relationship IRL where things are as they should be. In every relationship around me that I know well, there's only one that looks balanced, where the woman doesn't seem to be carrying far more than 50%. And both my previous long term relationships were abusive in different ways.

I decided to not look for anyone, just to get on with making my life how I want it. And someone did come along. We took things very slow, I always kept things so that I could eject from the relationship with the minimum of drama if I needed to. I let him see me at my absolute worst, emotionally as well as physically! To be honest, I did test him, just because I didn't want to end up trapped in a horrible situation again. We've had disagreements (He's a Tory... nobody's perfect...) like adults do, but in essentials he's wonderful. And I've had no reason to doubt that judgement for several years.

I bloody love being single

Me too

I've been single for nearly 16 years now. I'm happy being single and I enjoy my own company.

As for having to be in a relationship to face challenges and be 'more'...bullshit!

to me it isn't just about the obvious cases of where there is laziness , cheating etc etc it's the more insidious stuff where you eat the food they like, go on the holidays they like, subconsciously most of the time. It wasn't until I started living alone I realised how much I had compromised in almost every area of my life

^totally agree with this^

I have been single for 6 months now following a 9 year relationship but before I met him I was single for 5 years, in retrospect it was a mistake to move in together but that's the expected thing to do when you've been together for a while isn't it? I wouldn't rule out another relationship in the future but I will never ever live with a man again, it's just not for me.

I can't help but wonder if I seem selfish compared to other women.

No way would I let dh pick the holiday. Maybe if I got to pick another one as a compromise.

He does all the cooking and food shopping and I still choose what I eat. It's a decision we make together.

I don't think dh could cope with making all the decisions by himself anyway.

Missing Panda, Ive heard all kinds of shite about why people think I should be in a relationship but "challenge" hasn't come up much. I get a lot of people asking how I "cope" because they think being single is really hard....and I've been called "brave"...

Just remember that people start discussions because they are unhappy, often with their partner. It's not a reflection of society as a whole! I'm happily married and most of my friends are.

Have you seen the "got it all figured out staircase"?

You are undoubtedly better off single than in a bad relationship.

I'd personally prefer to be single than to be in a mediocre relationship (but that's not necessarily the case for everyone, it depends on your priorities and opportunities).

I think MN is self selecting, in folk tend not to post about their husband/partner who's lovely and supportive (I'm sure there are plenty) so don't base any decision on that.

That said, some people are better off being single. Do you think you're one of them?

I am - I've got enough self awareness to know I'm quite a self contained, independent kind of person who is happiest in their own company. I'm busy with my job and raising my DS and don't want some bloke sticking his oar in. I wouldn't be prepared to compromise for a partner (unless it was someone utterly amazing) so probably wouldn't make a good partner myself.

Oh for an edit button.

*in that folk..etc

From my own observations, even the happiest of relationships require some sort of compromise. So if you're (speaking generally) not prepared to compromise you're better off on your own.

As said, I'd never live with someone again, but do date.

If after living through the 80's in relative poverty, miscarriages, my DH illness and death, being a Carer to aging relatives (both my parents have died). Two of my children having SN, Son In Laws who have depression, ever isn't giving me enough of a 'challenge', I'll work out a tough hiking route, or learn a language to conversational level, not bloody add another time/emotion sucking person into my life.

I think this is the issue, as many of you have mentioned - I'm simply not willing to compromise on anything anymore. In the past this has always led to me being hugely resentful of my oh and what is the point of being in a relationship if you feel unhappy more than 50% of the time? I'm 31 - maybe I'll meet someone when my children are older - with my exp I found he didn't like me putting my children first, or even equal, and trying to reason with him never worked.

OP " I'm simply not willing to compromise on anything anymore"

there's another way of looking at that. You know what makes you happy and you won't give it up. Why should you? A lot of what is described as "compromise" is actually downright sacrifice and you miss out on what you want to make someone else happy.

not for me. Maybe not for you either. I'm 40 and look at the last couple of relationships I had in early/mid 30s and think "Why the fuck did I do that?" I think on some level I absorbed the "must have partner to be happy" nonsense.

That's a good way of looking at it lorelei!

I can't think of any sacrifices I have especially made to be married to DH but I have always been confident enough to do what I want. So if I wanted a night out etc or to go on hols without him and our DS I have.

Some men are awful as are some Women but lots of women fret so much about being seen as nice or compliant they don't consider their own wants.

Yes, I was like that for a long time lorelei every night i got in to bed just relieved there was nobody else in it, for about four years i felt like that. too much sacrifice before leaving my x. Now I feel ready, which is kind of inconvenient really! it was easier to be single and to not want to change that.