to feel angry and sad that lack of funds mean my children miss out on things?

[Missanneshirley]

Very much middle class angst here as I am well aware that my children are fed, clothed, have a roof over their heads etc. They are not very "grabby" in terms of toys, gadgets etc and seem generally happy with their lot. But I just wish I could do more stuff with them! This weekend i know of friends whose dc are:

• going to see a sporting event in a nearby city (travel and ticket costs prohibitive)
• learning to climb at a climbing wall centre (as above )
• going to see a musical (as above!)

These are all different families obv! Another has a piano exam...cos they bought a piano and can pay for lessons.

Yes I know they have valuable time spent with family and friends etc. But I'd just love to be able to do more of these things which I think they would really love!

We were in Sardinia and for something to do we had a "party". No guests just the 4 of us, played pass the parcel and other games, had a party tea, really spent time together.

Got home asked girls what the highlight of the holiday was (been to beautiful beaches, restaurants etc). Both immediately said the party.

I never used to but I really wish I had the money to send them to private schools as I am not happy with our local school at all.

I meant to say the same as others. Your time and energy means far more. Like lots of other posters we've done trips via Tesco or very off season. Family railcard to London allowed us to get BOGOF to lots of sights. Always packed lunch not eating there etc.

When DC were about 11 and 7 we had the discussion as we live in a very affluent area. I could go back to work in my old job which was well paid and get a childminder and then we would be able to afford nicer hols and things. But they both decided they wanted me around instead. (Huge sigh of relief!!).

They're teens now and talk with great fondness of the daft things I found for us to do in the holidays. We did manage one day in Disney Paris staying outside and finally had a fancy hol last year (with my inheritance when my Gran died ). But crabbing and paddling in a stream are still top holiday memories.

Honestly op, those things are lovely but they don't necessarily make kids happier. Dd has several friends who go to private schools and they have all the things you mention including the ski trips etc.

They are no happier than Dd and really do take these things for granted a lot of the time. They are used to holidaying several times a year and it's not particularly special for them. I grew up in a very hard up family and I feel I appreciate things way more than I would have done otherwise.

Oh I am well aware IABU !
BUT it takes the confidence of an adult to say these things are not important - as a child you really feel it when surrounded by other people who have more and do more.

I disagree, I think most children don't care especially when they are younger.

My DC didn't do music, go to Disneyland, have designer anything, or do lots of activities ( they generally did one or two school based ones) and we could have afforded it.

My kids like hanging around playing with each other and having play dates. I used to take them out a lot but they got as much entertainment from low key things as fancy things.

I did pay to go swimming though.

BUT I want them to go to lego land! To learn a musical instrument! (Selective tuition at school - dd1 did not get selected ). To go to disney! To ski!

Legoland - nope
Musical instrument- free at school
Skiing - only when tey can pay for it themselves.
Disney - out of the question.

We don't have an iPad, we have a second have old games console. Kids are in hand-me-downs from various friends and neighbours.

This is normal life for most people.

Ohh my quotes didn't work

BTW - I'm not saying you don't need money or that having money isn't nice - coz it is but that you don't need it to have a happy childhood.

The DCS have cousins who are very well off - live in a big house, fancy holidays including regular ski trips. BUT they don't really do much outside this as the parents are always at work. SIL actually said she feels a bit guilty she sees the things I do with my kids (thanks to fb!) as she doesn't have time. These are mainly cheap/free things. She did end up taking them crabbing after being inspired by one of my posts and she said she thinks they enjoyed it more than skiing!!! It really isn't all about money....

I get this sometimes.

My DD is very lucky. I'm a disabled working single mum. I'm a whizz at making the pennies go further. I think it bothers me more than DD though.

Last year we split our holiday in Devon between a vintage caravan in the woods (£25pn, no indoor loo, basically untouched since the late 70s) and a five star hotel with a Michelin starred restaurant. Her favourite parts were me weeing on my leg in the night and going to Curry Club at Wetherspoons

Musical instrument- free at school

Not at my Dc schools - last one we had to pay but it was much cheaper than private lessons also had to hire or buy the instruments after first year.

Moved in this area very low income you get lessons free - so that is many at school but not us - but we're not not rolling in it and can't do many of the things OP is talking about.

So if you have free music instruments lessons you are very lucky.

However with swimming - both places we've lived it's free for the children - but adult has to pay and we have to get there and mine aren't old enough to go by themselves- which last place was a bus or 1 and half hours walk there and back and by time you'd paid the bus fair and adult entrance it wasn't cheap outing.

So it was a help children being free but still not possible to do it very frequently. Now we can walk so much cheaper.

I do agree with idea that this is pretty standard feeling.

Some years we really struggle to afford a UK holiday for a week - obviously we wish we could take them abroad somewhere more exotic but there are others who never get even a UK holiday.

You need to focus on what you can give them.

I grew up with Disney, music lessons etc......but what I really wanted was my mum, who worked full time. I was a latch key kid from about 10, I hated it.

I think this was the main reason I became I SAHM, I didn't want that for mine.

Also luxury things like holidays have shot up in price so much in last ten years. I had some fabulous holidays when growing up in the 80's and 90's that would be prohibitively expensive now.

If you want to see west end shows register for Kidsweek which take place each summer and offers free kids tickets. Also in June they do a live stage in Covent Garden with performances from current shows.

Local council holiday schemes often include experiences such as climbing and sports camps for low cost and agree they do free sports taster sessions in local parks. Check out their Facebook pages to get notifications. Also guides , scouts etc offer similar opportunities and sometimes their camp sites and facilities are open to public.

For Legoland, Chessington etc you can often collect vouchers to give free kids entrance or 2 for 1, through newspapers or brands you might already buy (Kellogg's and Tetley tea bags for instance)

I get how you feel, I have days where I feel the same.

Last year we took dd1 age 6 to London as I thought she would love it - was a nightmare. She freaked out on the tube, hated the train journey, wasnt interested in the sights. Her fav part of the day was at a park we found! I got upset at the time but learnt that what I envision isnt necessarily how it will turn out.

This half term we went to the pier - spent hours on there, bought ride passes for kids, doughnuts and McDonald's. Whole day cost under £50 inc train but they had an amazing time and haven't stopped talking about it. Was cheaper than our train fare to London!

What im trying to say is sometimes we have an idea of what a nice day would be but the reality would be v different. I would love to do legoland or Disney but the crowds would probably freak out dd1 and dd2 would be a nightmare on the journey!

Ooooh would like to know more about the Covent Garden thing! Agree re Scouts etc - DC have done loads through them at minimal cost.

Looking back over DC childhood the thing I wish I could have changed most was a job that enabled me to have school hols off.

OP, loads of your regrets and worries about this seem to be projections of your own issues.

If you are Hoping they will be more confident at Uni than you were , stop any anxiety about not having good enough activities and teach them to be proud of whatever they do.

Dc's non camping / swish holidaying friend is very jealous of the camping......

OP, our DC do a lot of nice things that cost a lot of money. I won't patronise you by saying that these things are unimportant or that we don't enjoy them as a family.

However, it's worth remembering that they are not the focal point of our family life. These activities/opportunities don't define us.

Without them, we'd still be the happy unit we are.

It's also worth remembering that just because we're wealthy it doesn't mean we only partake of expensive activities. Not by a stretch. We love reading and movies/box sets and pod casts, we go for endless walks and bike rides. We cook and eat and talk and laugh.

Today both my DC are involved in very inexpensive activities. DD is helping out at the NYT (I think the year's cost is less than fifty quid?). DS is playing football. His team's subs are £30 per year.

OP I had a very privileged childhood including a pony. My mother still thinks dd is deprived because she doesn't have a pony -or designer clothes or Florida holiday trios-

Legoland - can you still get two for one deals. If you take packed lunches and don't fall for the extra pay things on top it's,actually good value.

Musicals - local theatres and am dram group are cheap and fantastic. Check out Brit School productions.

Music lessons - get them to join a church choir as juniors - RSCM medals are a fabulous introduction.

Florida - ours git a weekend break on a special deal to Eurodisney. When they were 6 and 10. Loved it.

I had everything money could buy as a child. Most of it was for show. My DC have love.

If you really want some material stuff for them is there any way you could take on an extra job even if it's a bit if childminding/extra tuition in the holidays? A friend if mine used to help the lady who did the local Kumon franchise. It was only min wage but it paid for stuff like school ski trips and extras.

The thing about free music lessons if that if you our child wants to progress to an orchestra you then have to pay an absolute fortune.

I work ft and we still cannot afford HP, legoland etc

We are fortunate though that we have mountains to climb, Wild campjng and beautiful beaches close to us.
We have s swimming pool very close where DDs meet their friends. Climbing is pretty cheap.

I have this conversation a lot with DH, I'm constantly telling him there is no point comparing with others as you don't know the ins and outs of how these trips were funded. So many voucher sites for bargains, we get lots of our "experiences/hotel stays" etc as Christmas or birthday gifts.

We haven't holiday'd abroad for 6 years and never as a family. I don't think my DD misses out because of that, we take the dog and explore the beauty that the UK has to offer. This year we are spending a week at home going to all those touristy places on our doorstep you never normally have the time to go to! We can't wait.

I know in time we will manage to do maybe euro-Disney or Lapland, but we will save up for them. In many ways because those things don't happen often, they become more special.

I think your dc are getting lots more memories than you imagine they are

I gave up an incredibly well paid job when I realised I didn't know my children at all. Up until that point we had and did all the things you described-trips abroad (with a kids club so I could have my work laptop out), designer clothes, latest this that and the other. Now, our family income is halved and much of these things have had to go but the children honestly don't care! We have replaced holidays abroad with camping in Wales-their favourite holiday by far was last year spent at Tenby in the driving rain!!-their clothes are largely Next for best and supermarket after that, day trips to anywhere expensive are for birthdays only. We have a national trust membership now and spend our free time walking and talking and honestly it's lovely. I've posted this before but when I was still working my old job I had a week off work. Only one that year...I read my son a story and he looked up and said 'I love it now you love with us mummy.' Heartbreaking he didn't even know weblogs together. I guess what I'm saying is that you can't put a price on the things that really matter.

I think some children who do a lot of these things are not actually all that happy. Mine do a middling amount of activities, and one day a week of childcare after school, and I think they really need more downtime, not more Enriching Experiences. They'll never learn to concentrate on their own projects and develop an internal sense of self if they are always "occupied" jumping through hoops presented to them by adults. They do get to do some cool things in holiday daycamps - gokarts, wall climbing, canoeing - but this is their consolation prize for having 2 working parents and having to go to childcare in the hols IMO. They HAVE to go to childcare. I make it my mission to make that as awesome and fun as I can for them, but ultimately they'd often prefer to be at home.

Even everyday activities can be quite expensive. Swimming here is at least a tenner for one adult plus DC, plus petrol, and even amateur theatre is at least 7 quid a ticket. For a lot of families these things are just too expensive, or not enough of a priority vs more essential things like food, clothes, school trips. It's just that you hear more from the ones who do all these things, than from the ones who don't.

www.westendlive.co.uk

Cressanda - I agree that DC whose parents both work FT tend to do more organized and paid for activities. A bit like nursery, it has become increasingly the norm for DC to do a lot of adult led, paid for stuff rather than knocking about at home under the vague supervision of a parent.

It's always worth taking a long hard look at what DC are doing and whether it's best for them or whether it's fulfilling someone else's needs or bowing to commercial pressure.

God I feel
Horribly guilty working ft now

Dh taken ours off rock climbing. They are quite put out all they want to do is stay at home and sew (felt 40p a sheet).

Agree time is more important. Very aware we only have a few years with them. Also gave up very high earning job and relocated from the city to go freelance - my hrs were brutal I would never have seen them. My peers at work had x2 nannies, one for day one for evenings. No fucking way.