to feel angry and sad that lack of funds mean my children miss out on things?

[Missanneshirley]

Very much middle class angst here as I am well aware that my children are fed, clothed, have a roof over their heads etc. They are not very "grabby" in terms of toys, gadgets etc and seem generally happy with their lot. But I just wish I could do more stuff with them! This weekend i know of friends whose dc are:

• going to see a sporting event in a nearby city (travel and ticket costs prohibitive)
• learning to climb at a climbing wall centre (as above )
• going to see a musical (as above!)

These are all different families obv! Another has a piano exam...cos they bought a piano and can pay for lessons.

Yes I know they have valuable time spent with family and friends etc. But I'd just love to be able to do more of these things which I think they would really love!

Legoland and Disneyland are not skills and your DC are not missing out in any way from not going - on the contrary, be proud that you have preserved them from such corrupting nonsense.

Music is a wonderful gift. Are there any local choirs or amateur dramatics groups that involve singing/choreography?

Re: music lessons, do you know any other parents whose DC would like to learn the same instrument? Would it be possible to approach a private music teacher and ask if they'd be willing to teach 3/4 kids in one lesson and the cost of the lesson divided equally? (We have a similar set up at my DC school and lessons are much more affordable and the teacher is happy with the set up).

My DD is only 3 and i have no doubt that she will encounter kids in her life that do all of these things come the weekend.
she'll be upset to a certain degree, for a few minutes.

BUT, later on in life, when she looks back, she'll remember painting her bedroom wall with Daddy, building sandcastles with Mummy. She'll remember the times we were all together and having fun as a family, walking the woods, climbing hills, collecting pine cones, playing conkers in the autumn sunshine.

yes she'll remember trips too, but they won't be the memories that warm her heart and make her smile on a cold evening when she's 36.

Honestly - the cost of an activity has no bearing on how enjoyable it is for the DC. Some of my children's favourite days out have been the free ones. We have been to Florida but my children will openly admit they preferred the no frills caravan trips we've done in the UK - crabbing, the beach, you can't beat it! If you're savvy you can find good deals for things. Tesco vouchers, websites such as Days Out With The Kids, Littlebird etc. There's also the Kids Week in the West End promotion for cheap theatre tickets. I don't have loads of cash to splash but no way do my kids miss out.

Theatre is important to us - dd2 in particular is very keen. Keep an eye on youth theatre we saw west end style show this afternoon @ £8 per head. Was as good as stuff I've seen in west end and kids don't know the difference. They loved it (9 and 7).

I really do think it the best policy to focus on what you DO have, and not what you don't. The best thing you can give your children is a positive outlook on life, they are more likely to be happy and content with a positive mindset

We were in the local amateur productions - cost £15 a year to cover insurance and we rehearsed two evenings a week and Sunday afternoons! Kept us busy. On Saturdays we would go to free museums or national trust properties. I ended up reading history at university and acting/directing well into my twenties. Still haven't been to Legoland or Disney and couldn't care less!

Seeyounearerthetime - That's a lovely post.

My oldest DS is 23 now. Unlike most of his friends he didn't go on long haul holidays, has never been skiing etc etc. He has great memories of his childhood caravan holidays and is looking forward to saving up and going to the US for the first time as a young adult.

I saved my Tesco clubcard vouchers one year and then got the free child/adult vouchers from kitkats and cereal and dp and I plus four kids went to Alton towers for £46. No way we could have afforded it otherwise.

My youngest is 10 and apart from a visit to my friend for the day, 90 miles away, we've not done much. But she's been playing with her friend from across the road and they've built a den, been out on roller skates and she's been let loose with cardboard boxes and paint.

We live near the beach so most of our summer is spent there. We are camping for a week in August...2 miles from home :o. But there's a pool and a play area and a Kids farm five minutes away and still the beach.

We can't afford to go abroad or do expensive days out but I do save up to try and do one "wow" day a year so we did a trip to London and went on the London eye last December. I booked the train tickets well in advance so they were cheap and we had a great time.

I do think it's hard, when kids are going abroad several times and yours isn't going once but it's just a holiday.

dd1 mentioned briefly in passing that she was the only kid in her class that hadn't gone to Mexico for half term. Cue brief parental angst. It did make me set up a vacation fund on ynab though. She is 16 and the last time we went on a sunshine holiday, her 12yo sister hadn't been born, and her 14yo brother was still crawling. I have clearly been failing in my parental responsibilities...

" Holidays, expensive hobbies, enriching activities..those things are great but experience tells me that they don't correlate with a young persons happiness. I have come to the conclusion that the two most important things you can give your children to maximise their chances of being happy, resilient, comfortable in their own skin etc. are love and security..and I'm not talking about financial security, although I won't deny that doesn't hurt. I'm talking about the security that comes from having caregivers who are supportive, nurturing and consistent. It doesn't matter if you're seeing a west end musical together or going for a long walk in the park together, it genuinely is the togetherness and not the activity itself that has the greatest impact on the kids."

This ^ most absolutely 100%

Also if you live in nice area think about house swap. We have 3 holidays a year swapping houses with other families and cars sometimes so you pay travel costs only. We have shown our girls so many places we wouldn't otherwise have gone to.

It is amazing how quickly these things become the norm, though. We didn't ever holiday abroad as children. I went on a school day trip to France at about 14, first time out of the country (and the only time until I was an adult and paying for myself). We had no dance classes, or music classes, and were allowed swimming lessons for one week a year in the summer holidays until we earned our 10m badge. Then we were on our own.

Mine might not be holidaying in Mexico, but I wouldn't have recognized their lives when I was their age.

I think I still feel slightly on the back foot as an adult when confronted with people who have travelled, are accomplished etc. I wanted my dcs to have a wider range of experiences than me, and I'm sad that it is likely not to be the case. I know there are plenty of low cost ways round things out there, but I felt held back by finances to a certain extent all through my childhood, teens and beyond. I went to uni but couldn't afford to do the year abroad for instance. Dh and I barely travelled pre kids.
I don't think it helps that we live in a fairly wealthy school catchment area- dd2 came home crying before half term cos she had no "holiday news" to tell at nursery - ie she wasn't going anywhere, and in her mind everyone else was.
Yes they are not spoiled and are loved and cared for, but I just wish I could give them a better start!

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Musicals, wait for midweek to start and I do one adult one child rather than us all going together. Works out cheaper than all six of us.
Also if you follow kidsweek you hear about cheaper seats in January etc.

You know you are being unreasonable.

It's pointless comparing yourself to other people. Where does it end? There is always going to be richer people about.

For example! When we lived overseas one of my DCs friend had two helipads at his house because, clearly, one isn't enough and a majority of their classmates had multiple holiday homes My kids didn't care.

One thing you can do by using free internet resources and/or the library is get them started on a second or third language. Being mutlilingual is what really sets people apart and quite frankly would give them a career advantage in adulthood that might help their upward mobility. And in turn they will get to travel and have a wider range of experiences.

Make learning a language this year a family adventure and priority.

I wouldn't worry about claptrap like Disney. Think of your job as to prepare them to relish and enjoy experiences when they come, which may not be till adulthood. But if you instill a respect for other cultures, a curiosity about the world and other locales, etc., they will be better primed to be enriched by travel than many people who can go wherever they please.

Why do you want these things for your dc? They're not everyday things, they're elite things. It's totally possible (probably easier) to be well rounded and happy without them. Not once in my childhood did I wish I could go to Disney land. My best days were hanging out at home with my family. Honestly. So I have no intention of teaching my dc how to ski. I will teach them to read music and speak languages, as I can do this myself. Learnt it at school...

I understand where your coming from but you really are seeing a snapshot of people's lives and not the reality.

For example, this weekend we went off to a big sporting event but it was a Christmas present so all it cost us was a few cups of coffees as we took s pack lunch.

Last weekend we were at another costly event, again a Christmas present.

Basically you could be a friend of mine in rl but haveno idea that both events cost us about £5 (in bad coffee!).

You need to search out the free things.

dd is doing computer coding for free at the library.
we have seen and held various reptiles at a free event
done the heritage weekend stuff.
children have done stuff with school.

mind you I admit to getting the hump at reading the bloody bear's diary when it was our turn. horses, riding lessons, karate, football, dance classes, swimming lessons.

Your Dc are not deprived OP, they have a wonderful Mum.

I have been in your situation and you just need to get creative with your activities. We have DC who now can;

Ride (helped out all day doing character building lead rein at the riding school for a free lessons at the end of the day).

Ski, we went to Scotland and learned there.

Camp and fish.

Know a hell of a lot about nature/birdwatching, identifying funghi and wildflowers/trees. All learned from being in the great outdoors.

Play instruments, thanks to our local brass band who taught them all to read music and loaned them instruments (all for £2 a week), a local youth orchestra also teaches/loans instruments for free. Our youngest also sings in a church choir, choral grade tuition free and they pay him!!.

Cadets, amazing organisation, army cadets seems to be much cheaper than air cadets for some weird reason. Uniform provided, 2 week all action summer holiday for £60 including kayaking, going for rides in helicoptors, coasteering etc. We avoided scouts and guides though, so expensive.

Compete at national level in their chosen sports, you just have to be careful re which ones! some that you might think are expensive are actually heavily subsidised. Join a club instead of paying for individual private lessons eg swimming, sailing, rowing.

Libraries were invaluable to us, not just to borrow books but also to find out what was on locally and cheaply.

We give experiences rather than gadgets for birthdays/Xmas and the older ones have avoided the pull of sitting in front of a screen all day. Youngest would spend every penny on computer games though so I think we ran out of steam with him!

Blackeyed, when the class bear came to us he drank bear until he was sick, we sent in photos to prove it.

Oh I am well aware IABU !
BUT it takes the confidence of an adult to say these things are not important - as a child you really feel it when surrounded by other people who have more and do more. As an adult I know that my children are rich in love and family time - but they can't see that yet, and I know they have a good few years of feeling a bit inadequate in some respects before they develop enough maturity and thick enough skins not to mind and to know what is truly important. In the meantime all they know is they don't get to do all the things their friends do!