To think that infertility may have killed my marriage?

[Leavemethefuckalone]

The long and the short of it is that we've been ttc for 6 years. No joy.

Tonight DH has behaved a bit childishly, so have I. Arguing for the sake of arguing really. He has gone to bed. I am up alone, and I don't care that we've argued. I don't care that it's all going wrong. This isn't the life I wanted so I don't care that it's all going tits up around me.

The life I wanted revolved around babies, family. I'm not even sure that I love Dh anymore. Has my thought pattern got skewed by not being able to have a family? Or do I need to think about moving on alone?

Has anyone else gone through this infertility nightmare? Did your marriage survive? Aibu to think that if I don't care anymore and i'm not sure if I even love him, then that's enough of an answer, or is it the grief talking?

One of my best friends was in the same position. That marriage did not survive. She eventually decided that rather than putting all her energies into adoption she would take a career path that involved working with sn children. Obviously it wouldn't be right for everyone, but she has found fulfilment.
I wish you the best x

Why did you decide against IVF?

We had fertility problems. Yes, there were a rough few years in there. Having to have sex at a certain time/day because you need to have a test the next morning pretty much made it the last thing I wanted to do. Clomid turned me into a raging bitch. We went through all the tests up to the clomid stage and then dh got an overseas posting where we couldn't continue treatment. We moved back three years later and the new doctor made us start at the beginning again. Three years later, another overseas posting where treatment was not possible.

It was years of stress, arguments, and clomid side effects. My husband finally admitted he didn't want to come home when I was on the clomid because of the mood swings. We decided to give up the treatments. We would just be fantastic auntie and uncle. I think we'd have split if we'd kept trying. Then, 14 years after we started trying, I fell pregnant.

I hope things look brighter this morning

Speaking as someone who had ivf, I do find myself questioning why you won't reconsider. Your dh may well feel that during the last six years if you had ivf you may well have children. Does he resent the face that you won't try it?To say that you would do anything to have a child, except the treatment that can give you a child, is a very strange thing. Counselling together and perhaps on your own as well may help you to work put the issues and any possible resolutions. It's a desperately sad situation and I hope you make it through together.

This post really resonates with me and could have been me posting.

Both me and my DH are infertile. It very nearly broke us, we just couldn't deal with each others feelings as well as what we were going through individually. For me infertility is an open wound and it's only when you get through it can you can start to heal. That is either bringing home your much longed for child or finally grieving for the child and being able to live a different life. It's the rawness and constant trying that is damaging, or was for us was anyway. I did go down the IVF route after four years ttc, first ended in a devastating miscarriage and the second gave me my beautiful twins.

I did have counselling, I needed it for a long time but only went after the miscarriage which by then I was in the throes of IVF and too hormonal for it to help me. When we were pregnant with the twins it was the most joyful but difficult thing. The emotion was crazy and tbh threw me and my DH even further apart. I think by that point we had just drifted too far apart and it was very nearly over. But we did love each other and we fought to get back. But infertility has damaged us, our sex life (on the now rare occasion) feels forced and after the years of trying it's hardly surprising. But I still love the bones of that man and he me. We are stronger than that and we will get there. I think the key is talking, we didn't for a long time. We couldn't, I dealt with my own grief I couldn't take his on board too. I remember just wanting an outcome not to be stuck on that page. Counselling really does help.

I felt the same way you did re IVF and just went through the mechanics I guess. I did do it but in my heart I never really felt comfortable. When I did get the twins I struggled to see I was really their mum. It was a hard time.

But every person I know who went through this journey does get through it, what that outcome is will always make you a stronger and better person. You realise the love you have in your heart, be it for your own child, a much wanted adopted or Foster child, or realising life is short and there are other wonders out there for you.

You also really never know what life has in store. After all this somehow I fell pregnant with a third and equal miracle. It has confused every doctor I have spoken to.
xxx

'Sometimes' post is horrible.
Calling fertility treatment 'paying for a child' and criticising someone whose situation you know nothing about is vile. Reported.

OP, IMO it's not OK for your H to flatly refuse couples' counselling but encourage you to go alone: that seems to be saying this is your problem to manage, and not his, which isn't fair.

You have fertility problems plus problems in the relationship, couples' counselling is a logical thing to do, in addition to help for you alone.

I can understand - or rather, respect feelings about IVF.

Sometimes there is an almost instinctive response to fertility treatment and being a family - I would and will go through IVF plus ICSI.

I would use donor eggs and or sperm but I would not adopt or foster.

I don't think anyone needs to justify these feelings but they do need thrashing out with your partner.

As someone in the grip of fertility issues, I can understand just how tough what you're going through is. I hope you can find a way through. . Also good to hear everyone's experiences - so many people dealing with these issues.

For us, it certainly has been hard on our relationship, and there have been rows and periods of difficulty. We've worked hard recently to put ourselves first, in fact we're getting married this year, to celebrate ourselves and our relationship.

At one point during ttc, I couldn't find joy in anything, including my relationship. Life felt pointless and I felt trapped in a way of life that had been set up for kids (we moved to a suburban house, painted a nursery ready, I moved to child friendly local job, made new friends, who all had kids). The sense of failure and the lack of a child loomed so large in that set up. I became utterly depressed. I had counselling and tried to make myself happy with my lot. Didn't work, so I quit my job for a big promotion and long commute. The change of focus did wonders for my happiness!

For what it's worth, I do think you need to explore why you don't feel IVF is right. I'm not saying it's the wrong decision at all, and it is brave one to make, but you need to be clear as to why, as by not doing it, you are taking away a potential chance to conceive. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh but sometimes we make barriers for ourselves and need to know why. I won't lie, doing IVF is not that bad, but doing it, and it not working, is the hardest thing ever. I'm in the middle of my second cycle now, and, whilst I hope with all my heart it works, I am starting to explore, very slowly, the possibility of not having children. I won't be ready to give up for some time but I am starting to feel that I could find happiness in other ways.

I hope things work out for you, whatever you decide.

To try and avoid any confusion, let me say I think our marriage problems are down to infertility. I don't believe we'd have these issues if we'd had kids. Of course I know children would have bought their own problems, but it's definitely the lack of them that is hurting us at the moment.

Lots of people have asked why I didn't choose to have IVF so I'll clumsily try to explain. I'm wary of causing offence, so let me state again; IVF is a wonderful option for those who feel it's right for them.
I have pcos, endometriosis, a micro prolactinoma, a retroverted uterus and a tendency for large ovarian cysts. My body does not seem to be an ideal candidate for pregnancy! The various consultants that have provided me with care have been relentlessly positive over the years and have given us what has turned out to be false hope. I am not a candidate for clomid as I ovulate on my own now and it could lead to hyper stimulation. I have my conditions completely under control and have had for about 5 years. My cycles are clockwork 30 days.
In the build up to the IVF last time, I was a mess emotionally. I would cry all the time in the shower, in the car, whenever I was alone. I tried to battle on but started day dreaming about running away. Just pointing my car south and getting the fuck out of there. My husband knew I was afraid but didn't know the extent. One night it all came out and I literally wept on my knees. His first reaction was to tell me not to do it, there was no question, I wasn't coping. He handled it all brilliantly and was a huge support. I felt instantly better, like a weight had lifted. I didn't cancel up coming appointments immediately, I took some thinking time, when I felt sure I let them know. Gradually the anxiety left.
I think about that time every day still. I'm still not sure why I reacted to it like that. Partly I think,it's the fear of it not working, the fear of miscarriage, the fear of still birth. The knowledge that I'm not strong, how ever would I cope with any of that?
It's also, I think, the fear of us playing God. As stated, I certainly don't believe that morally IVF is wrong. But it makes me afraid in an irrational way.
I have wonderful children in my life conceived through IVF and their mums are happy. I know I'm irrational and I can't reconcile how I feel with a positive outcome.
The best way I can explain it is that my gut was screaming to me not to do it. I don't know why.

Sounds like anxiety OP Did you seek help with that?

Dh and I talked about adoption from very early on. He didn't want kids before he met me. It was a deal breaker for me and we talked it through repeatedly through the earlier stages of our relationship and he slowly changed his mind. There was no coercion involved. He previously hadn't wanted children, then he met someone who did, fell in love and realised he wanted them too, with her
3 years ago we began the adoption process, Dh felt that we hadn't given my body enough of a chance. He had developed an urge to have a biological baby that I didn't really have in the same way. So we saw the doctor, got on that path. It hasn't worked and the next steps to maybe make it work were too much for me.
In the meantime the world of adoption has changed beyond recognition in our local authority. Where before they were desperate for adoptive parents they are now turning people away. I went to a lot of trouble to pick them as our adoption provider. I felt very lucky that they were our la. To go elsewhere would feel like another kick in the balls. (I'm aware how petulant that sounds but I'm enjoying my moan)

Could you imagine suddenly finding your dh dead. Not in your life ever - never to see or speak again

Would this make you sad upset ?

I don't mean this nastily - just trying to make you see if you have feelings for dh

I think you do have feelings for dh but as I said previously infertility strains relationships big time :( and you both may have lost sight of why you fell in love and together

I would look into surrogacy and donor eggs fertilised with your dh sperm if you really can't cope or went to do ifv emotionally to yourself

The drugs do make you crazy and Ivf is mentally emotionally and financially draining esp if it fails

Or go to another authorities for adoption. I was told it is better to not adopt in your la as less chance of seeing birth parents

Good luck in what ever you do.

Infertility sucks and I find it very sad that I probably won't ever be a mum esp as paid out over £20k on private treatments

We did look into adoption a year ago but DF will be 50 next year and you can't adopt a baby /toddler then - only over 5's and process time is 18/24mths so would have been too old

Crossed posts and yes adoption turn you down on many crazy things :(

sometimes "paying for a child" - well, aren't you a treat?

OP, just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you're going through all this. It sounds as if your issues with IVF are more that you are afraid it would give you hope and that you are too scared it wouldn't work in light of that. Which is a very valid way to feel.

blondes Dh and I both still love each other. My bitching about him last night was off the back of a row. Not ttc related but the undercurrent is always there.

I think what I've realised is that we need a new plan. We need to talk it through again. Decide where to go next. We're in the middle of a break from it all at the moment. We're not supposed to be thinking about it too much or focusing on it. I think I'm coming to a natural end with that though. It's back under my skin.

We had 10 years of ttc and many Ivf treatments before we had our dc. It puts such a strain on relationships. For years I walked around feeling as if I was in a black hole where nobody including my dh could reach me.

I have seen many couples split over infertility and I think we were lucky that it brought us closer together instead of coming between us but we did have our moments.

Can you pinpoint why you don't want to try Ivf? It is an invasive procedure but for me I felt that the current adoption process is also very invasive just in a different way.

You mentioned grieving and that's exactly how I felt. Angry that i was living a life I didn't want to live and grieving for the babies and life I had always hoped to have.

A few years ago I had a breakthrough as such and decided to try and enjoy the life I had and to appreciate the things I did have in life. I don't mean that to sound flippant or ignorant to your pain as I know how angry I used to get when people used to day things like at least you can go travelling, do whatever you want in life etc.

We are truly blessed to finally have a family (twin babies) but I don't think I will ever forget the pain of infertility. It has scarred me and made me who I am today in a funny sort of way.

I'm glad you both reliese uou love each other :)

People argue and things get said that we all regret but making up is fun

If you have counselling it really might help you work through your anxiety.

It sounds to me like you have (totally understandably) not come to terms with your own physical issues and that this has produced a deep rooted fear you're not 'meant' to have children. Further fear about your body not being able to give birth, tied up with the struggle to actually have children through ivf.

You couple this with a strong desire to have children and you end up with polarised thoughts that you can't hold together in your head as they're so conflicting.

Your worries about your body are scary, ivf is scary, giving birth scary, having children scary - all of that fear can be looked at, processed, held in therapy.

At some point in therapy you will be able to start to make a real free choice - to have children through ivf or not. At the moment 'choice' is not the right word.

Or you may choose a different way.

I've read your posts and skimmed through other comments.

For us we needed a long break between properly drawing a line under ttc, and starting to look seriously at adoption. We looked after 6 months, and it was way too early, so went back a whole year later (ie 18 months) and felt a lot stronger about it all.

For us, we needed to heal, and then to start envisaging life without kids, or by adoption. (We knew we wanted a 'permanent' family so ruled out fostering). Adoption is a tough route to choose, and you have to be feeling strong enough to do it as it is long and emotional with no guarantee of success.
You may well be expected to have had some counselling to talk through how you feel about not conceiving (so if it is an option, you may be able to 'sell' counselling to your DH that way).

If/when you are ready, I suggest you go back to the info evenings again for your LA and other local ones. Choose afresh from what they say at that point, not what you heard 3 years ago or whenever.

Best wishes

Thank you so much everyone for your input. I'm definitely going to start counselling. Its been cathartic to write this down and helpful to hear impartial views.

I've chatted with Dh this morning and he's struggling at work. He didn't want to worry me. He seems stressed. He doesn't want to think about having kids at the moment. He feels too old (45, I'm 35).
He has a weekend away with friends arranged and will hopefully be able to let his hair down and enjoy it. Then we're on holiday next week so hopefully a bit of fun and a break will put things back into perspective for us both.

He definitely needs my support at the moment. I need to see a counsellor for my own issues separately to start with. Hopefully his work problems will resolve and he'll be able to see the progress I'm making and come too.

I think me crazing him about babies is the last thing he needs at the minute.

Being forced to abandon hope of conceiving naturally is similar to the grieving process - some time helps healing but it will always be there. I have pcos and when ttc for two years every period I had was another kick in the stomach that dh and I had to find a way back from. I remember crying my eyes out and downing a bottle of wine after an argument on Valentine's Day, the day I got yet another period. It was fucking awful. Dh is a wonderful, supportive man but he couldn't possibly know how I really felt as he already had two older children from his previous marriage. This drove the wedge deeper. He always said he didn't want to go through IVF either which was always at the back of my mind - he likened it to a gambling addiction as he'd seen my dsis try and fail repeatedly, spending thousands and thousands in the process. Only when we had finally reconciled ourselves with adoption did I actually fall pregnant - a happy ending for me. But your feelings resonate with me entirely, as I have also seen both my sisters go through this.

One of them decided IVF was the right route (she'd had pelvic inflammatory disease when she was younger and needed an ovary removing, the fallopian tubes were damaged and she was told it was dangerous to continue to try naturally). She fell pregnant at the first IVF attempt and my niece is now 6.

My other sister had unexplained infertility, tried IVF 5 or 6 times unsuccessfully. It undoubtedly put a strain on their marriage too. In truth she always wanted it more than bil who already had a much older dd. In the end they ran out of money, there was a grieving process but they stayed together. They have since adopted two wonderful boys.

I'm pleased you're feeling more upbeat today op as the love and strength in your marriage is what will get you through this. Your dh sounds very supportive, which is half the battle, and I believe you're stronger than you think. I remember a period of depression during which I genuinely felt like I couldn't care less if dh and I separated - even when we argued, I just walked away with a shrug which was very hurtful to him as I had no impetus to put things right with him. Now I see things more clearly and we're very happy and I can't imagine life without him. He's a real gem, one in a million.

Give yourselves time, grieve and then look at your options again. I wish you all the best