To think that infertility may have killed my marriage?

[Leavemethefuckalone]

The long and the short of it is that we've been ttc for 6 years. No joy.

Tonight DH has behaved a bit childishly, so have I. Arguing for the sake of arguing really. He has gone to bed. I am up alone, and I don't care that we've argued. I don't care that it's all going wrong. This isn't the life I wanted so I don't care that it's all going tits up around me.

The life I wanted revolved around babies, family. I'm not even sure that I love Dh anymore. Has my thought pattern got skewed by not being able to have a family? Or do I need to think about moving on alone?

Has anyone else gone through this infertility nightmare? Did your marriage survive? Aibu to think that if I don't care anymore and i'm not sure if I even love him, then that's enough of an answer, or is it the grief talking?

I feel for you, my lovely.

Don't know if this helps, but I gave up the pill at 23 and finally conceived at 30, and that was only because my DH had testicular cancer, so there was help at hand and being offered (although we had to pay).

I've also been a foster carer - don't write them off, it was amazing and I miss them (we stopped when DD got to 10 and we didn't think she should continue to be around teenage boys, which is mostly what we fostered, although we'd specified girls under ten!)

Thanks all. Golly, didn't expect sympathy. Expected to be told to pull my socks up and that there are worse things.

I think the main things I've taken from this thread so far are:
A) book a counsellor.
B) be careful what I wish for. Maybe this ain't so bad after all. Yes my Dh is a twat and we have empty bedrooms. But we have each other (begrudgingly).
C) fostering is maybe something to work towards. I think a new goal and change of focus would help me.
D) that I'm probably right not to push through with IVF if it doesn't feel right. I know all those that have posted aren't trying to put me off and wouldn't change their reality for the world. But it does reinforce my choices when I hear people talk about their experiences without the rose tinted glasses. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your honesty.

Sorry. Just realised I sound like Miranda above. Been drowning my sorrows with vino collapso. Always makes me terribly posh. Thanks again for the support I'm not a big one for friends so this has been nice

If I wanted DCs I wouldn't stay with a partner who was infertile.

My husband and I were unable to have children, it was his 'fault' if you want to put it like that.

I never thought about leaving him. I married him for better or worse and infertility was the worst but we were in it together.
It was, by far, the saddest most difficult time of my life. Infertility is hell. Of course it'll put strain on a marriage.
We finally adopted 2 children so the infertility nightmare is over for us. My children have healed me and I'm very grateful for that.
I always hate to hear about anyone having trouble conceiving. It's so hard. OP I hope you will get the outcome you desire but don't neglect your relationship. I know quite a few couples who split up after going through infertility and finally adopting a child.

Adopt?

Gabsdot- lovely post!

+1000 for adoption.

I'm very sorry that you and your DH are going through this. It so very hard. I thought I might tell you our story:

We tried to conceive for over 6 years. Through a battery of tests and two rounds of ICSI.

We were incredibly fortunate to conceive our twins on the second round of ICSI.

Our fertily problems stem from a medical condition my DH has. I'm fine.

I truly never blamed him and although I was desperate to be a mother I would never have left him in a million years.

We both made a conscious effort early in our fertility journey to try to 'protect' our relationship. To look after each other.

We deliberately made plans that weren't baby focused so we travelled and built a house.

We deliberately considered our 'plan B' for our lives if we couldn't have our own children. We started looking at adoption and also thought about how we might build a child free life (Google 'more to life' there's an excellent web site)

Infertility doesn't have to kill a relationship, but you have to put as much effort into developing your relationship as you do to making a baby.

Being a parent is wonderful but really really hard - you need each other to love and support each other through the cracks that sheer exhaustion, worry and guilt can put there.

Re IVF - I don't judge at all, but I don't pretend to understand your choice. I would have gone through pretty much anything to conceive.

I will say this though - IVF is very hard but in my personal experience it's not as hard as being pregnant (I had a difficult pregnancy) or as having newborns.

I took a very workman like attitude to our IVF. It was just a series of small steps to be got through. I just grit my teeth and got on with it. I didn't have storms of weeping or hysterical outbursts. In fact as we told no one (not family, friends or employers) no one even noticed any difference in me.

This is not to say that it's necessarily the right thing for you but just to offer a different view. IVF was very hard - but it's not nearly the hardest thing I've done.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we fought for our relationship every bit as hard as we fought to be parents.

And once we were parents we had to fight for it all over again.

Talk to your DH. See if you can find a way through. Maybe there won't be, but you'll know you gave it every chance.

I wish you both the very best of luck.

As mentioned, our local authority are not accepting new applications for adoption at present. We aren't keen on pursuing an agency as we've been informed that they normally have the more difficult to place kids which we feel ill equipped to deal with.

I know that people judge and say that if we wanted it enough we'd go through hell and high water to have a child. Go on every adoption list, should have done it years ago. But at what cost? What's the point if we don't even get on anymore. It's not going to fix us is it. Or is it? Did it fix you nicebucket? gabsdot I know you say it healed you but how awful were things, truly?

Hello OP, infertility sucks.

We spent years ttcing and the best thing we ever did was stop. It had become obvious it was unlikely to work so we just decided to stop.

We decided that we were going to make no decisions for at least 6 months and we got on with life. We both had our own grief to deal with - I ended up going on holiday on my own. But we dealt with it, recovered and moved on. It was such a massive change to just relax and enjoy ourselves again and remember that we liked each other.

We ended up adopting. It's amazing. And I really couldn't love them more.

(We looked into fostering too, but we wanted our own children, not someone else's.)

Did you know you can try other neighbouring LAs? It doesn't need to be the county you live in.

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now.

If you genuinely think your DH is a "twat" and that you are only together "begrudgingly", then I think your relationship is certainly severely battered and bruised, and may become terminal if you don't address the issues that have led you to this point. You say you want to have DC with him- why would you want to have children with a man you feel this way about? So, ask yourself if this is really how you feel about him? Take some time to think on what you want (he should do the same) and be honest with him. You owe each other that much.

Agree counselling may help you work through your feeling and the grieving for the life (and DC) you desperately want. Only you can know if fertility treatment is right for you. If it is not, then you are right not to proceed.

However, your DH's thoughts on all of this are in other ways just as important as yours (although obviously you have the say in IVF and other matters involving your body) and yet I don't think you seem to really understand what he wants and why. I may not be correct, but am not sure you've given it all that much thought (can be difficult if he is not the communicative/sharing type, I recognise). Support works both ways.

Sorry this seems critical, it's not meant to be unkind- I just think if you don't examine what you really want from here on and how you really feel about your DH (and think about/find out what he wants and needs too), then you're being unfair to yourself and to your DH. If it's just a wallow and a rant, before picking yourself up and carrying on then please ignore me!

I've just seen your update. No, adopting won't fix your marriage (and a half way decent SW would notice the cracks and not approve you anyway).

But if you can fix your marriage, adoption can provide another route to family. (We had to wait more than a year for our LA to take us on too.) And once it's done, it really truly is your family.

But I'd put all that aside, decide that it's a decision to be made 6 months or a year from now and set about fixing your relationship and living life normally again. And if you can properly, genuinely do that, there's every chance you can still get a family through adoption (or decide to live child free).

Voluntary agencies do sometimes have 'harder to place' children but that can be for reasons like they are sibling groups or need to be placed out of the local authority for safety/security reasons. It doesn't mean they're all ten years old or whatever (though it can mean that.)

Live sucks, and blows. I couldn't have children, and my partner and I failed to come to terms with it for fifteen turbulent years. He didn't feel the need to be a dad in the same way that I "needed" to be a mum, and it led to a lot of buried issues that we never discussed. It's not unreasonable to mourn for your lost babies, it's a very real emotion, and see a counsellor for help if you are feeling that way....keep talking to your other half, and don't give up, twenty years on, and much to my surprise we are proud and happy parents to two boys (adopted), and we couldn't be happier with them....and I have never felt that they are substitutes for "my/our" children, they are just ours. Oh, and you don't have to go through "your" local authority, where we are we fell into the catchment area for two different counties and three city agencies, whoever assesses you only gets a limited time to place a child before you can go to the national register, it's a frustrating and emotional process though, and you need to be in it together....good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Op, you sound so battered by it all, and I'm not surprised. 6 years is such a long time to want something and be constantly disappointed.

I just wanted to agree with Anna Marlow that actually IVF isn't hard for everyone, which of course, doesn't mean you should change your view about it. There is so much out there about the physical and emotional stresses and hardship etc, but me and my dh pretty much sailed through it. For example, I just watched Artsnight, where the wife, in an obviously happy couple, cried at the thought of how hard ivf had been. This wasn't my experience at all, and it is possible to find quite a lot of it funny and straightforward. But I think context is important, and that context of your relationship and happiness is obviously what's top of your list at the moment.

I've just seen tldr's post, and wanted to echo her brilliant advice. Take some time for the two of you. Remember why you got together in the first place, spoil yourselves and take a break from all things infertile. Talk to a counsellor (either together or separately) and when you feel that you have a measure of acceptance, and are ready, move on in whatever direction you think is right for you. My only regret is in not acting sooner, my knees are not what they used to be and two boys under seven take a lot of chasing!

Leavemethefuckalone I am so sorry you are in this situation and it is so hard. Just so you know, my dh and I had a daughter (through IUI fertility treatment) 11 years ago. I desperately wanted a second child and we had fertility treatment over a number of years, it was expensive and difficult and involved donor eggs, and none of it worked. So after several years we adopted our son aged almost 4 and he is now 5, almost 2 years later. The fertility issues over a number of years put a huge strain on our marriage and part of the fertility process was to have counselling.

We needed to have worked through the fertility issues in order to get through the adoption process.

I think your ideas about fostering are a bit uncertain, and your reference to it as work is interesting. It sounds almost as though you would rather do this as a 'job' than to parent a child although you have said you would desperately love to be a mum. It's totally OK not to want to go for fertility treatment but it is interesting you do not wish to do this as you are so keen to be a mum.

Is it possible you would consider a surrogate if you are worried about the fertility process? It is a very extreme (as in complicated) option and costs a lot - so really not for everyone.

It is 100 percent your choice whether to have fertility treatment but can I ask why exactly you are not keen. Is it s practical medical thing, like a fear or needles, or a feeling that if it happens it should happen naturally?? You do NOT need to answer, but you can if you wish to or you can pm me.

I think, as others have said, your priority is your relationship, you need to work out whether you want to be together and work to save your marriage if you do.

I agree with tldr that the adoption process is gruelling and will shine a light on your marriage. I don't know for sure about fostering but I can imagine it is similar. You can foster and adopt as a married or single or co-habiting person, so being single will not stop you proceeding with adoption if an opportunity to proceed arises, however, parenting is very hard and parenting alone is ever harder.

You are probably (IMHO) less likely (in general) to be selected for the very limited number of children being released for adoption (at the moment) if you are a single adopter. BUT you are very much less likely to be selected if you marriage is under strain because children who come through the care system need a safe and secure home, whether that be with one or two parents, and a marriage or relationship breakup could be very damaging for children who have already suffered trauma and loss )I am sure you know all this I am just making the point).

Infertility is very very testing on a relationship. If you felt differently (more content RE kids) , where do you think your relationship would be? Things always look worse when rock bottom.

Leavemethefuckalone Re "I know that people judge and say that if we wanted it enough we'd go through hell and high water to have a child. Go on every adoption list, should have done it years ago. But at what cost? What's the point if we don't even get on anymore. It's not going to fix us is it. Or is it?"

I think adoption or fertility treatment will not 'fix' a bad marriage and as others have said you need to work out where this marriage is all going first. But our son, who through adoption joined us about two years ago, has truely helped me to put to rest my issues about having a second child.

Can I just also say that if you would like to look into fertility treatment some more there are a few options, e.g. Clomed (not sure of spelling!) which is a drug, much, much cheaper and much, much less invasive to IVF, or IUI which is cheaper and less invasive than IVF, might be options. Also, if you are concerned about your eggs (bearing in mind that this can sometimes be the issue with infertility), you might want to consider donor eggs or donor embryos, just an idea. Some people are worried about stimulatin their ovaries and if this is a concern due to health issues then a donor egg or donor embryo may be an option.

As tldr and Sittingonthedockofthebay say you can try all other local authorities, or county councils which are close enough, exactly how close is close enough will depend on the area but it is worth a call to the other councils to ask if they would consider someone in your geographic area.

Rafflesway I am sorry to hear your story but I hope your beloved DD will be happy and well in her special accommodation, and will be safe from epilepsy. I hope new developments will come along for people with epilepsy. You have reminded me what is important and it is vital to remember how much we all have to be grateful for.

gabsdot, tldr and Sittingonthedockofthebay - how lovely, a happy ending to your stories.

leavemealone, I also had counselling via a fertility clinic and would highly recommend it (though perhaps not at an actual fertility clinic if you don't want)

It is incredibly hard and puts a massive strain on your relationship, particularly if you don't quite agree on the best way forwards. It can certainly help sort your head out and find the best way forward.

I am very lucky enough to have successful treatment. But from what I've picked up over the years from other people who have been unsuccessful, is that sometimes it's better to draw a line under it, grieve properly, and move on to a fulfilling life without children. I think one of the hardest things is a constant feeling of uncertainty and never really being able to move forward without knowing what the future will be. It's constantly in your mind and stops you from concentrating on other things.

If I was in your shoes, I would have counselling and look at all my options, my feelings about them. Then make a concrete plan of how to move forwards or to move in a different child free direction.

It might be good for you as a couple perhaps to say for a year you're not going to make any plans for a family and just enjoy being together and trying to reconnect without the constant 'what if' hanging over you to see if you can get back on track.

Good luck, I know how hard this is and do wish you all the best.

Rafflesway your story hurt me immensely .... I'm so sorry you paid to have a child and then they turned out less perfect than you imagined.
I'm a mummy to DS with profound needs and epilepsy ... He will never live away from me and he is in SEN school near home. I care for him daily. He is my son! He is perfect !
Leaveme my DB and his DW are in your situation now. DB is the pesky problem and DW is 26 years younger. DB has DS from previous relationship 16 years ago. The stress from his DW is immense and I totally empathise with her. She's amazing aunt and works with children with severe needs in a specialist hospital.
I wish you the best of luck with your relationship and hope you find what makes you happy as that is the most important issue xxxxx

Sometimes that is a very unkind post. What works for you and your son is not what works for every family which has a child with a disability. I find you referring to fertility treatment as 'paying for a child' offensive too.

What a hateful post, sometimes. Reported.

Sometimes - That was unkind. And my child will one day live away from me, not least because I won't always be here to look after him.

We all do what we think is best for our child.

I would be wary about having a child to "fix your marriage". They are 2 separate issues, they have to be.

Having a child is tough however you have them. Sticking plaster babies rarely work.

Definitely have some counselling before you make any decisions. I always swore I wouldn't have IVF but after years of trying did. However we had made our peace with not being able to have children before we started it and did it on the condition that after three cycles that would be it. DH was more reluctant than me because he was scared of getting into the spiral of keeping going for 'one more cycle' so having a definite cut-off helped. As it happened the first cycle was successful but I am so glad we went into it, and parenthood, in a relatively good place as a couple. Good luck whatever you decide