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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about DH's friend's comments re boozy stag do when I'm 38w?

80 replies

TeamSteady · 18/02/2016 17:44

I am due DS3 in the first week of June.

Unfortunately there are two weddings we cannot go to this year as they fall v close to our due date and are hours and hours away, so we have had to decline. However DH is going to the stag do of one of them in early May. Part of me is a little as it is a three day affair but it is a close friend and work colleague so I understand.

However, Dh has also been invited to a second stag do around the same time. The groom is not a close friend this time, but someone he worked with about 2 years ago. I think they get on well enough, occasionally meet for drinks a few times per year but not close. He has been invited to the "alternate stag" which will include a wider circle of friends including female friends too. it is being held in central London, where DH and all these people work so easy to get to.

One of the women DH used to work with is organising said stag do and sent an email out asking re dates as she was thinking end of May. DH messaged back and basically said, happy to pop by but I won't be drinking as As Steady will be 38w pregnant then and so I need to be sober and not home late/ in a fit state to rush home if necessary. (DH commutes for work, it would be an hour to get home if he dropped and ran immediately).

She emailed back and said "We can discuss the not drinking and going home early when you get there!

AIBU to want to smack her in the face??! Ok, I admit I am full of raging hormones and it is not the sensible thing or a proportionate response! But really???!! What sensible individual in their 30's (so not some silly teenager) doesn't respect that actually getting off your face and staying out all night is not what you do when you have a heavily pregnant wife and two dc at home?! I have just found it so disrespectful towards me- as if I am some silly nagging wife who is a total bore, when really you'd rather drop her and come and party with us?

DH hasn't responded yet, but didn't seem bothered by the comment, in a kind of, "meh, I'm going to do what i said i would do- what i want to do, and what is the right thing to do, i'm not taking any notice." AIBU to be a little upset that he didn't actually point out what a twunt she was being?

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/02/2016 19:08

Nope, just mumsnet at its craziest finest kali!

Inertia · 18/02/2016 19:13

I think you need to tell your H that while you're happy in principle for him to go along to the late stag do as long as he stays sober, he needs to understand that the situation could change depending on how you are on the day.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/02/2016 19:18

I was always of the impression that 99% of stay do's revolved around drinking alcohol like it was going out of fashion. Will it be worth DH going if that is what's on the agenda?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/02/2016 19:19

*stag

Spock27 · 18/02/2016 19:22

I think it is a disrespectful thing to say - not just to you and your needs but to him. Even if it is just a joke, he's said he doesn't want to drink and she's acting like he's being boring and it's negotiable.

But then I'm also due in June so maybe I'm hormonal too. I don't think I'd be happy my husband going for a night out after a weekend away, especially leaving me to look after two other dc. But then I would definitely make that clear to him.

ovenchips · 18/02/2016 19:23

I don't think your DH's work colleague has to respect your needs especially tbh. It's up to your DH to say what would work for him, after considering you. Which he has. I'm sure his work colleague is harmless and put zero thought into her emoji use.

I appreciate both stag do's at that point in your pregnancy is unfortunate timing though. You do reach a stage where you feel vulnerable. But just talk to your DH and I am sure you will be able to come to a compromise.

Don't sweat it - you won't remember this once your baby is here.

But one very important issue is to tell your husband not to forward email conversations on in future. He should just give you the dates. Being the 'third person' reading someone's email convos is, for some reason, highly irritating and has such potential to rankle. At least I find it so anyway!

Bogeyface · 18/02/2016 19:27

Why is it crazy to worry about drink spiking?

I have had it done to me more than once by so called "friends" who thought I was being boring by not drinking. As it was, one time I was sick as a dog as I was on medication that you couldnt take with alcohol, and the other time I was pregnant. Needless to say I am not friends with these people anymore (same people both time, should have learned after the first one). And having worked in a bar I have seen it happen many time, although then I always tell the person who's drink has been spiked.

It happens. Stupid people do it when they think that you cant possibly have fun without a gut full of booze.

PegsPigs · 18/02/2016 19:31

Why do people have to make others drink in order to have fun themselves? Winds me up. If someone says they're not drinking don't bully them into it or make them feel bad about it.

I was heavily pregnant one NYE and we'd arranged to go to a friends house. The deal was we'd leave at one am.

We were in the middle of party games when I reminded DH we should be going in 15 minutes (so basically we could finish that game then go). He started to whinge about what a great time he was having and did we really have to go. The male host (who had 2 kids now 4) said DH should be impressed and grateful I'd made it to 1am and he should enjoy the free ride home. I was very impressed with DH's friend sticking up for me as he understood that being heavily pregnant was a big effort for me and the least DH could do was support me.

The woman is definitely being unreasonable and must be childless or she'd have some inkling how not on her bullying your DH to drink and stay out late is.

Strokethefurrywall · 18/02/2016 19:32

Jesus Christ, the responses on this thread.

OP YABU in the nicest possible way, but the other posters acting like this woman is disrespecting you by making a joke is beyond ridiculous. In all likeliness she probably hasn't even given you or your pregnancy a passing thought which is perfectly acceptable if she doesn't know you. I have children and I still wouldn't give a pregnant woman a passing thought if I didn't know her!

Honestly, people talking about her spiking his drink are fucking lunatics, who thinks like this? Women are clearly womens' worst enemy.

You know what will happen? Your DH will go to this stag, have a couple of beers and come home. Not one person will be the slightest bit interested in the fact that he's not drinking much, not if they're normal human beings. It was a passing comment.

Trust your DH to be able to make his alcoholic decisions on the night, he sounds like a decent guy, I'm sure he'll be able to say "no thank you."

Kitkatmonster · 18/02/2016 19:33

I'm quite uptight about stuff like this, as my first was born early and I suffered through a labour with a very hungover husband who was neither use nor ornament. We now have a no alcohol agreement after a certain point in pregnancy ;)

I'm sure it was a joke but it may be worth you having an open discussion with your DH about how you feel about the end May one, maybe he will decide not to go at all if he understands how you feel?

Strokethefurrywall · 18/02/2016 19:35

How the fuck is her comment in any way bullying someone to stay out and drink? IT WAS A JOKE!

Fucking hell...

Nottodaythankyouorever · 18/02/2016 19:38

The woman is definitely being unreasonable and must be childless or she'd have some inkling how not on her bullying your DH to drink and stay out late is.

Grow up!

Firstly how on earth do you know if she has DC or not.

It isn't bullying FFS!

Shutthatdoor · 18/02/2016 19:40

The woman is definitely being unreasonable and must be childless or she'd have some inkling how not on her bullying your DH to drink and stay out late is.

Riigggghhhhttt.....

Back in the real world.....

hesterton · 18/02/2016 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/02/2016 19:51

Honestly, people talking about her spiking his drink are fucking lunatics, who thinks like this?

Oh I dunno, may be people who have had their drinks spiked? People like me for example?

It fucking happens! Why the denial that it is a possibility?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 18/02/2016 19:52

This thread is brilliant comedy.

Strokethefurrywall · 18/02/2016 20:01

I've had my drink spiked too, but I still can't see that there is any reasonable concern that a random female friend of an old workmate who's stag do it is, would decide to spike a random man's drink for shits and giggles, just because he said he can't drink much because his wife is 38w pregnant. It is such a remote possibility.

I'm assuming this woman is normal and just made a passing joking comment, much like I've done on many occasions.

And if OP's husband is concerned that his thread may be spiked, he can always buy his own drinks and perhaps keep an eye on them himself. Sheesh!

MirriVan · 18/02/2016 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameNameName · 18/02/2016 20:32

This would piss me the fuck off, but only because my DH is exactly the sort of person to be swayed into getting pissed and staying out late.

NameNameName · 18/02/2016 20:33

Although not in late pregnancy, but the suggestion would still annoy me.

Shutthatdoor · 18/02/2016 20:39

Oh I dunno, may be people who have had their drinks spiked? People like me for example?

So have I

It fucking happens! Why the denial that it is a possibility?

So is in expected to not go out anywhere or do anything at any time 'just in case" there is a slight no possibility his drink might won't get spiked.

kali110 · 19/02/2016 01:32

Maybe because most friends don't spike other friends drinks???
stroke clearly you are better off without those people! ( will not call them friends!)

My god this was a joke.
Bullying this is not!
My god if people seriously think this one off hand remark is bullying, then i hope you never go through real bullying.

paul seriously, only on mn.
I honestly think i must live in an alternate universe.
My friends and i clearly do not fit with the majority of women if mumsnet were to be believed

Strokethefurrywall · 19/02/2016 01:48

My friends didn't spike my drink Kali , just your regular weirdo in a bar. Previous poster said her friends spiked her drink.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/02/2016 02:02

Yabu.

And for avoidance of doubt, yes I have a child

MidniteScribbler · 19/02/2016 06:22

This would piss me the fuck off, but only because my DH is exactly the sort of person to be swayed into getting pissed and staying out late.'

Then your husband is the one who is a dick.

Honestly, I can't even see why he needed to go in to so much detail in his email to her. My first response to that would be 'who the fuck cares?'. He can go, drop in, order a coke, then leave. No need to make a big song and dance about his pregnant wife.

Then again, I also hate the whole 'I'm completely irrational, jealous and acting like a twat, but I can get away with anything I want because I'm pregnant.'

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