Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to be quite excited DH is going away for a week?

140 replies

LeggyBlondeNE · 18/02/2016 10:40

Because I am. He's just given me his full travel itinerary and I'm actually both giddy with excitement and kinda disappointed I'm not going to get a full weekend to 'myself' as part of it.

Don't get me wrong, I quite like him most of the time. But I love these weeks where it's just me and the kids - I can cook couscous and veg for tea and no one complains they're being starved; I can sit and write of an evening and no one complains they're being ignored; I can spend Saturday going to the supermarket and doing jobs round the house while the kids play with no one complaining that it's boring; I can have a friend over for coffee (while the kids still play) and no one complains that it's intruding on family time.

The short version is that although DH and I make for excellent dinner partners and have an awesome time when we're off on our own together, our expectations of family domesticity are wildly different (none of which was remotely obvious before we had kids).

And so I'm super excited and I can't tell anyone because he'd only get upset.

But only three sleeps!

OP posts:

theycallmemellojello · 19/02/2016 10:46

Am I reading the same OP as everyone else?.... are you a bit unhappy in the relationship in general leggy? Do you think there might be a way to get to do the things you like without being made to feel guilty by your DH? I feel like you might need to make some changes. It's normal to enjoy alone time, I do myself, but I feel like you're not saying that you're looking forward to being alone, but that you're looking forward to not being with your DH? Which seems like maybe something you should address?

AvaLeStrange · 19/02/2016 10:49

Nothing to do with eating what I like in my case.

DH is just someone who has to be on the go pretty much all the time and it's actually quite tense-making. We have 13 weeks a year holiday together as well as evenings and weekends and frankly it's way too much.

I work one day a week in the school hols which gives me some term time holiday allowance but it's all been used on INSET days and hospital appointments for elderly parents until the end of March, then my colleague is on holiday and we've just lost another team member who won't be replaced.

I have SATs week off which is 10 weeks away and I'm pretty much counting in seconds at the mo

theycallmemellojello · 19/02/2016 10:50

You should really be able to spend time on hobbies or with your own friends or making food you fancy without this: complains they're being starved ... complains they're being ignored... complaining that it's boring ... complains that it's intruding on family time.

And not everyone who enjoys alone time feels like this: although DH and I make for excellent dinner partners... our expectations of family domesticity are wildly different

I feel like for this particular situation, just waiting til DH leaves town to feel free to relax is not the ideal solution. DH needs to change his attitude and behaviour. It sounds like a very oppressive way to live.

EssentialHummus · 19/02/2016 11:36

I agree with Mitzy - it's not that anyone in this house bans the consumption of toasted sandwiches or whatever, it's just that having two of us here makes us more likely to eat proper meals at a table. I like my own company once in a while.

JapanNextYear · 19/02/2016 14:35

theycallmemellojello but I feel like you're not saying that you're looking forward to being alone, but that you're looking forward to not being with your DH?Which seems like maybe something you should address?

I'm pretty fond of my DH, we get on well, but there are definitely times I look forward to not being with him. And I think that's ok.

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/02/2016 14:49

I think it's pretty normal to crave time alone when you spend a LOT of time with someone. I see DP every evening, all day every Saturday and we have pretty much all our time-off together. I love my time apart from him, and it makes me love the time with him more than I would otherwise.

I know DP looks forward to his days on his own too, it's perfectly normal and healthy. I also think that when you spend ALL your time with someone, you do get on each other's nerves more than you would if you had space everyday.

MrsJayy · 19/02/2016 14:55

This isnt a big deal as some posters are making out sometimes its just nice to be in a different routine and if my dh is away I dont breath a sigh of relief and run around like a loon shouting im free or anything

murmuration · 19/02/2016 15:56

Argh! DH just decided to not go away this weekend :( He's in a club that has these weekends 4 times a year, and it's been a year since his last one! And he's supposed to go out one evening a week for his hobby, but 75% of the time he feels too ill, and 50% of the times that he goes he goes home early. So I get an evening to myself every few months and a weekend apparently less than once a year...

I suspect people who don't have this desire just don't get it. I love DH. I would not want to be apart for a long time (I spent hours on Skype with him almost every evening when he worked away for 2 months). And the doing your own thing: It's not so much about him, it's about me. Sure, I can eat whatever I want or watch whatever I want on TV, but I know there are some foods he likes less and TV shows that he doesn't enjoy. I'll still do that sometimes, but I'll also be aware that I am making my DH less-than-happy by doing so. I know it's fine, just as he knows it's fine to watch his war movies -- but he'll also plan a war-movie evening if I'm out, because he can and not have to worry that I'm there not quite like them. Just to not have your actions impact on anyone is a bit of freedom. It doesn't mean you don't like the person your actions typically impact upon.

RaspberryOverload · 19/02/2016 17:08

theycallmemellojello
Erp, I agree that this is pretty depressing. Why do you need to wait til your DH leaves town to have what you fancy for tea? I couldn't be happy like that.

I do most of the cooking, but generally we cook one meal for all of us because it's easier.

That means compromising on what food to have, as I'm not wasting money on buying small quantities of a greater number of different foods just in case people want something different to the meal I'm cooking.

If DP were away, I'd be having something I normally like that DP doesn't.

But we do have a couple of nights a week when we eat at different times due to activities, etc, so that's the time when we 'll have what we want.

loopsylala · 19/02/2016 17:24

I sign up for work trips just to get a decent sleep lol

Sunbeam18 · 19/02/2016 17:27

Are some people seriously suggesting that someone needs to look at their relationship if they don't want/need to be together 24/7? I think it's the other way round - if you can't enjoy your own company then there is a problem.

nigellawannabe · 19/02/2016 17:34

My husband works away for 6 weeks at a time and then is home for 6 weeks. We love each other's company and are nearly joined at the hip when he is at home, we have loads in common and have loads of the same interests so spend a lot of time together when he is at home. When he is away I miss him like crazy and it is really hard without him at times for example this week when the little one was taken to hospital with breathing difficulties. But I must say that when I'm on my own and hubby is away I find myself more organised, I can,make things for dinner that I really want (hubby is a bit of a fussy eater whereas I will eat anything) and I can relax a bit more. I don't worry that the bed isn't made or the dishes aren't done because there's only me (and 2 kids) that is coming home to it so I'm not leaving it for anyone else to deal with. It's not that I can't relax but I do sometimes relish in my own company and I like to not have to make conversation with someone or watch something on to that I'm really not all that bothered about. When hubby is away and I've put the kids to bed, I usually switch the tv off and relish in the silence of the house while enjoying a still hot cup of tea and as many biscuits as I like without having to share.
Last year it was possible that hubby would have to take a job working at home and it sent both of us into panic! He has always worked away since I've known him and it's always been normal for him to have at least 4 weeks away from home. I honestly don't think I could cope with having him at home every night. That might sound really horrible to some people and as if we shouldn't be married but it's just not normal for us.

theycallmemellojello · 19/02/2016 17:39

I'm not suggesting that, seriously or otherwise. I think it's good to enjoy your own company and normal to look forward to nights without your partner. I do however think that you may need to look at your relationship if the main attraction of a night alone is a break from your partner's complaining.

spikejack · 19/02/2016 17:45

I love it when my DH is away too.. It's not very often but I definitely enjoy having time with just my 2 boys. He is busy most evenings, coaching children's football so if I moan that he's not home for dinner when we eat or whatever, I sound like the most uncharitable, meanie ever (apparently). I wouldn't mind but neither of our boys play football. So it's training in the evenings (or squash if he can be arsed) plus football 'meetings' with the other coaches, followed by football matches on Saturdays. I spend a lot of time on my own with just the 2 DSs which I love, but they do miss him. On the odd occasion that he is at home, he grumbles and silently strops about if I'm busy or working on my laptop. Although I do go out now and then it's a military operation for me to organise a night to go out. Weekends though (when his team aren't playing and there are no other teams playing on our rec) are his time to 'relax' so he hates having to get in the car and go somewhere. He'll do it but I know he'd rather not, especially visiting people. He's 'been working all week' so wants to do nothing . Wow - this has been an eye opening rant

lokiDokey · 19/02/2016 17:48

Raspberry has nailed what I mean by cooking. I do all the cooking as I work PT to DH's FT. He's quite fussy so there are things I don't tend to buy because I don't want to cook separate meals.
Next week I shall enjoy scampi and chips (deep fried) because thats not something DH likes.

As for being on my own, I'm an only child which probably has a bearing but I love my own company. I too can relish silence and just sit with a book whereas if DH is here we'll be watching a movie together or he'll be watching football whilst I surf etc. I also have a long list of movies I want to watch which he really has no interest in (and he the same I imagine) so again, to curl up on the sofa with some crap trashy movie is a nice change.

He doesn't complain about anything really, and he'd probably sit through the trashy movie with me if I asked. We've been together for 22 years. I know what he's going to say before he says it. At Christmas we bought each other the same present and then disguised it in exactly the same way by reboxing it. We are hugely close. We speak every day whilst he's at work and text several times.
The attraction for me is purely selfish in that the only person I have to consider for 5 days is me. If I don't feel like cooking dinner until 8pm then I won't. If I want to sleep sideways in bed I shall.
All that said, if this was a regular thing I'm not sure I would be as relaxed about it. We noted the other night that in 20 years we've only been apart for 3 nights.

Sadmother · 19/02/2016 18:02

Your DH sounds very needy. No wonder you need a break.

RaspberryOverload · 19/02/2016 18:09

spikejack I'd agree that's an eye-opening rant. Everything seems to be on your DH's terms.

Mrsleighdelamare · 19/02/2016 18:11

Mine's just back from two weeks away...luckily he's really jetlagged so as yet I haven't had to produce anything resembling dinner.

I'm sure it'll be nice to have adult conversation once the jet lag has gone.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/02/2016 19:38

Oooh, DH has called to say they're extending their trip by two days! Off to the store to buy some more of the things he doesn't like AND things he always eats up and I never get my share!

All, all for meeeee!!!!!

StrangerThanMe · 19/02/2016 19:40

I would absolutely love it if he went away occasionally. The only time I get on my own is driving to and from work (he gets plenty of 'me' time). I'm always daydreaming of having a couple evenings in on my own!

spikejack · 19/02/2016 19:51

Raspberry - yes it feels that way. I suppose I've just got used to it. He will do the family stuff at weekends and I do put my foot down because it's not fair otherwise but it's just the knowledge that he's un-necessarily quiet or sort of sulky when we visit people. If we go out (say, to a big shopping centre like Lakeside of somewhere) he'll be happy enough if he has money to spend (if he's had a bonus or something) but heaven forbid I should suggest that I need something to buy something - that's just a step too far . But swimming / soft plays / cinema will go ahead but don't seem to be on his 'fun-radar'
Tbh, if I've learnt anything from this its to be a little more selfish

PutDownThatLaptop · 19/02/2016 19:59

I hate in when mine goes away, which he does for up to a week, five times a year. I miss him badly and I miss the things he does as we share all the housework and both work full time. His commute is two hours less than mine and so he normally takes DD to school and gets home first to cook. I only worked away once for a week and hated being away from them all. It was on a "paradise island" and all I wanted to do was go home.

NeverNic · 19/02/2016 20:18

I'm with you op. I love my husband but he's a pain in the arse full time!! I love a bed by myself (he's a snorer and is quite large, taking up all the bed). I love not having to watch sport, being able to eat veggie food and relaxing in bed with a good book. Oh and I love being able to get to the end of the wash basket! I also relish being able to plan my own weekend, getting on with jobs or going places he wouldn't enjoy. I think everyone needs time to do something on their own, that solely pleases them, especially when your personality is different to your partner's. I am a very independent person, happy in my own company and I need this and time for my own projects. Enjoy op!

LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive · 19/02/2016 20:19

Had it not been for the fact that we pretty much have our own separate rooms in the evenings we'd probably be divorced by now. Our first house didn't have separate dining/sitting rooms and it drove me mad. He was so selfish with the tv. I'd sit there watching whatever he wanted to watch (bastard American Chopper back then or anything to do with engineering... Any kind of sport, you name it). But if I ever wanted to watch anything he'd sit there saying how shit it was with a face like thunder. It really wound me up and it caused arguments. So I told him I wanted a bigger house with 2 reception rooms or I'd have to rethink our living arrangements. We've been in this house for 8 years now and love being able to watch what I want judgement free. Mind you he does sometimes stand at the door thoroughly engrossed in something I'm watching but when I tell him to sit down he refuses. So annoying.

BoboChic · 19/02/2016 21:05

My DP and I get on like a house on fire but spend plenty of time apart. There is nothing wrong with that.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6