Dp says I undermine him

[Standingonmytippytoes]

So tonight dp was bathing ds and all I can hear is "stop touching what isn't yours you're always touching things thay aren't yours, you've done nothing you've been asked to today." From dp In reference to things that are on the sill in bathroom. "Why don't you listen why do you never listen to us" so I went upstairs and put all the stuff that ds was messing with away. Then gave my very upset ds a cuddle to which dp told me I was always cuddling him when dp is scolding him. So I left the room and dp left the room and turned of the light leaving ds in the bath in the dark crying. I said that's not bloody right and went into the bathroom and went to pick him up dp then snatched him from my arms and told me to stop doing that that it undermines him and took him into the bedroom.
Ds was very upset so I told dp to back off and I'd give ds a cuddle if I like.

Earlier today he was being a bit harsh to ds and later in the day he apologised. The apology went like this "ds I'm sorry for scolding you earlier but you need to start listening you never listen to us you never do what you're asked"

I probably am undermining him but I think dp's behaviour is terrible I don't know what to do to make dp understand that the way he speaks to ds is cruel.

YANBU.
your DP sounds horrid. sounds like a shit dad too.
did he even want kids in the first place? i know its irrelevant now, but i'm curious.

So to understand more about this leaving Ds in the dark.was the door open with the landing light on is it dim but enough light to see, or pitch black? Had your dp been telling your DC to get out?

Turned off the light and left a two year and is in the bath? And he stayed in your house?

Fuck. That would be final straw territory in this house. Your DP is abusive and a wanker.

At the age of two if I didn't want my kids to touch stuff I moved it, some things were unmovable and so that was repetitive no touching, but generally we just moved stuff.

Lectures are boring, if anyone lectures me at 41 I switch off.... At two your child will just hear their father being horrid, nothing will get through.

Your partners incapacity to understand how a young child feels about the dark and how he prefers your child to cry alone is rather sociopathic and cruel.

Also, just to add, your DS needs you to act for him and on his behalf, putting up with this and not intervening in a very serious way is letting down your son massively.

PosieReturningParker I'm not putting up with it I am intervening that's why dp's not happy.

"When someone is emotionally unkind, which is a precursor to being emotionally abusive ( & part of it is arguing with the person who witnesses the unkindness, as well as the victim), I really wish classes or counselling would not be suggested, unless its coping strategies for the victim/witness. I see it time and again and it really is shit - it sends the message that the man's wishes and feelings are the most important, and that there is a way to gently soothe him into being what you want him to be, and meanwhile all should be oh so understanding and put up with his out of order behaviour in the meantime because, you know, it can all be resolved."

This. Totally agree, Mistress, except I think he is already being emotionally abusive, not just unkind.

He left a 2 year old sitting in the dark in the bath on his own?

Unbelievable. I'd give him his head in his hands to play with and kick his sorry arse out the door for doing that to my child.

Yep, you're undermining him. You're supposed to just stand back and let him be verbally abusive to a small child.

Well done for stepping in and putting your toddlers needs above the needs of the overgrown toddler you married.

My guess is yesterday was so bad because you asked him to take care of ds while you got some cleaning done. So he showed you how bad he is at it to stop you asking again.

But anyway, how've you got on today, did you reach the HV?

Unless he radically changed his attitude and understands he's abusive then you really haven't intervened, you've whinged.

I think you've minimised what he did, frightening a non verbal child by leaving them in a dark room is gross.

My guess is yesterday was so bad because you asked him to take care of ds while you got some cleaning done. So he showed you how bad he is at it to stop you asking again.

I sincerely hope not. We're very 50 50 with childcare and I think in his mind if he repeats himself enough it might sink in with ds.
It probably had more to do with his hangover than anything else.

I think you've minimised what he did, frightening a non verbal child by leaving them in a dark room is gross.

Yes i wasnt happy about it and I've told him in no uncertain terms not to do it again but I know in his mind his reasoning was perfectly just and he claimed under usual circumstances he wouldn't of left him alone but he needed a towel. Making excuses I know but I know how the stupid man's head works.

But anyway, how've you got on today, did you reach the HV?

The last few days have been much better I've also noticed a few occasions when he would usually react he's been quite calm and used distraction methods which I'm amazed at.

I've made an appointment with the health visitor and dp has I think it's called "elken" course he's doing with the local speech and language mentor which I'm hoping will teach him how to communicate with ds better.

But thanks mumsnetters I was really starting to believe that perhaps dp was doing things the right way. I'm glad I had yourselves to pull me back and make me realise it was wrong and hopefully these changes will last.

That sounds so much more positive op. Can you do lots of positive reinforcement on your dp now to make the changes stick