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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dp says I undermine him

88 replies

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/02/2016 20:47

So tonight dp was bathing ds and all I can hear is "stop touching what isn't yours you're always touching things thay aren't yours, you've done nothing you've been asked to today." From dp In reference to things that are on the sill in bathroom. "Why don't you listen why do you never listen to us" so I went upstairs and put all the stuff that ds was messing with away. Then gave my very upset ds a cuddle to which dp told me I was always cuddling him when dp is scolding him. So I left the room and dp left the room and turned of the light leaving ds in the bath in the dark crying. I said that's not bloody right and went into the bathroom and went to pick him up dp then snatched him from my arms and told me to stop doing that that it undermines him and took him into the bedroom.
Ds was very upset so I told dp to back off and I'd give ds a cuddle if I like.

Earlier today he was being a bit harsh to ds and later in the day he apologised. The apology went like this "ds I'm sorry for scolding you earlier but you need to start listening you never listen to us you never do what you're asked"

I probably am undermining him but I think dp's behaviour is terrible I don't know what to do to make dp understand that the way he speaks to ds is cruel.

OP posts:

FloraFurball · 16/02/2016 21:54

Your DP is an abusive cunt. Both to you and your DS. Protect your DS or risk losing him.

Original poster

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/02/2016 21:57

I spoke to him about this can't remember word for word but the gist is he has to stop ranting at ds and I have to stop "undermining" him by cuddling him after he's been scolded I said well that's ok as long as he is scolded once and any offending items are taken off him he is not to keep ranting/ nagging.
I'm thinking about talking to dp's dad as well telling him what dp is doing he might listen to him more than me.
I'm going to give my health visitor a call tomorrow as well see if there are any parenting classes that we can go to too I never even thought of parenting classes tbh.

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 16/02/2016 21:59

Sorry but why is he scolding a two year old with speech difficulties? He needs parenting advice quite frankly.

And you can cuddle your child after you've told them off - it isn't a massive power trip or exercise in making them scared. Especially not a toddler.

nowitscleanugobshite · 16/02/2016 22:00

I will stress it again. I put my children through years of this! I may as well have been abusiung them myse!f!! I was complicit! My compass of what was "norrmal" became skewed. I believed it was acceptable to.....have no hot running water in kitchen ....DS had been "caught" peeling potatoes with warm water so ex disconnected it. We had no heat in any bathroom ever....because ex said window HAD to be open when in bath or shower to prevent mould growing so heating the room would be wasteful. The children were not allowed friends home ...he wasnt allowed so why should they? (But the real reason was the lack of heat) etc etc. Your husband is abusing your child. He ius trying to control your reactions. But you are right! Fight!! Fight for what you know is right....before you lose sight of it! Please! Please! Please!

Paintedhandprints · 16/02/2016 22:00

This is shocking op. I want to go round your house and punch your dp! Leaving a two year old in tthe bath, on his own, in the dark! This is surely only going to escalate?

Original poster

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/02/2016 22:00

I've done a hanen course and signed dp up with the instructors most recent course in the hopes it would help with this.

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 16/02/2016 22:01

He's essentially telling off a 2 year old for being a 2 year old. Constantly. Poor little guy.

You need to talk to your DP about it when everyone is calm.

Aspergallus · 16/02/2016 22:02

But 2/3 year olds don't need to be "scolded" at all. They just need to be distracted and the odd firm "No!" around dangerous things.

Your DP isn't just parenting badly, he's abusing. And you are minimising it.

Yes, speak to the HV but make sure you tell her everything.

This is one of those threads that has me feeling absolutely sickened for the child.

RedToothBrush · 16/02/2016 22:06

If your dp thinks you are undermining him already, I doubt that going to his dad is going to help the matter if I'm honest. I am willing to bet that is more likely to inflame the situation. It will be regarded as going over his head and treating him like a child. It will not end well.

Eminado · 16/02/2016 22:12

I have a 2.5 year old too and I know they can be so frustrating but your DH is being completely unrealistic. His instructions are FAR too complicated, for one.

Enough people have commented on the light thing so I wont. Poor poppet. .

I hope it changes but if not, please get your son out of there, it is so damaging.
and his speech might improve if he is not being ranted at and told off constantly way above his level

TooOldForGlitter · 16/02/2016 22:13

Going to his dad isn't going to help. He's going to class that as the ultimate act of undermining. I'd leave him but my bar for abusive twattery is set pretty low, particularly when the object of the abuse is a very little boy.

RedToothBrush · 16/02/2016 22:16

Its never wrong to hug a toddler who is upset. Because they are toddlers. Even a toddler who has just done something wrong and been told off. They need to be reassured that they are loved and everything is ok.

Anyone who is telling you that you are wrong for doing that and can't see what's wrong with leaving a toddler in the bath in the dark alone, should not be left in charge of a child. Even if they are the father.

It is that simple.

They have deliberately endangered your son, to try and enforce their dominance in the house.

GruntledOne · 16/02/2016 22:16

When I started reading your OP I thought the constant nagging and "You never listen, you never behave" was going to be directed at an older child and wasn't a good idea because it would cause resentment and would make the child switch off. However, when I realised that it was directed at a 2 year old I was gobsmacked because it simply wouldn't sink in and the child would simply have the perception that Daddy was constantly angry with him. And then when I realised that it was directed at a 2 year old with language difficulties I was beyond gobsmacked. I can't understand what the hell your DP thinks he can conceivably achieve by that. I agree with the parenting classes suggestion, but I'm a bit stunned that a grown man even needs to be told that that is not how you speak to a toddler with language difficulties.

TooOldForGlitter · 16/02/2016 22:20

^^ this

Jesabel · 16/02/2016 22:26

I would speak to your HV, urgently. Be honest about exactly what is going on, including leaving him in the bath and turning the light off (as punishment?). Ask for a referral to a parenting course.

If you have a local children's centre, also see if they have any family outreach services.

Original poster

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/02/2016 22:30

Yes I'm stunned by it myself tbh.
DP has started this whole stop undermining me thing in the last couple of days, I honestly think he thinks I'll just back off and apologise. Well he's wrong.

I've just said to him again about how he speaks to ds and he said are we still talking about this I'm actually stunned. He's promised to change. His actions will speak for themselves.

OP posts:

Original poster

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/02/2016 22:39

leaving him in the bath and turning the light off (as punishment?).
I asked him about leaving ds in the bath he told me it's the signal that it's time to get out of the bath and that they're going into the bedroom. I then asked why he left the room he said because he forgot his towel and the bath was empty.
I'm not condoning his actions he shouldn't of left ds alone crying in the dark.

He's just asked if he's still getting scolded about this I might wake him up a few more times to "scold" him about it see how he likes it.

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 16/02/2016 22:55

How to make dp listen. I've told him again and again to stop

So it's not a new thing? How long has he been doing it. Poor kid

Original poster

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/02/2016 23:10

I couldn't say how long but today's been bad. Ds doesn't like not being in the same room as me but I've been needing to get some house work done and you couldn't watch him around cleaning supplies so I asked dp to keep him down stairs, this has escalated from there.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 16/02/2016 23:17

OMG he suggested waking him to continue the tirade of abuse, even if in jest he's a knob. He's completely mad if he thinks this is how to parent a 2 year old. He needs a wake up call. Please don't leave that poor boy alone with him until this is all resolved and he learns how to relate in an age appropriate way.

Original poster

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/02/2016 23:21

Oh sorry he did not suggest waking ds nor would he. I ment I would wake dp up to scold him about his behaviour.

OP posts:

anklebitersmum · 16/02/2016 23:30

Seems to me that you and dp need to get your parenting styles on the same page. Have you ever had a conversation about what you do and don't expect from each other specifically on the 'discipline' side?

It's worth doing and SO many parents don't, simply leaving to chance that you'll automatically do and see things the same way because you're a couple

Dp, from what you've said, firmly believes he's doing nothing wrong and in his eyes is 'just telling ds off'. He undoubtedly sees your desire to protect ds from what you see as a tirade as a deliberate attempt to undermine both him and the message he thinks he's giving in a perfectly reasonable way.

Having the 'how we want to parent' conversation and investing in some parenting classes for both of you would be the best option I think.

Failing that perhaps video him for a minute or two when he's in full flow rather than immediately rushing in and then re-approach the conversation & classes? I know it's not ideal but what you're doing/not doing isn't working to date either is it?

Pannacott · 16/02/2016 23:32

This is actually heartbreaking, your poor little boy. If he's having developmental issues then harassment, threat and fear is only going to make them worse. It sounds like your DP has got utterly wrong-headed ideas about how to manage behaviour and support your child. Or he's just plain abusive. Either way, I'd be thinking about getting away from him. Parenting classes are a good start, speak to social services as well. Have you got a children's centre nearby? They could be a good source of support.

MistressDeeCee · 16/02/2016 23:50

He's worried about you undermining him? What about him undermining your son by being a nagging bully? You don't sound passive about this tho OP, thankfully. I think you know your DP is well out of order for this. The relentless scolding, compounded by then turning the light off and leaving your DS crying in the bath was an act of petty spite its not a "signal" to get out of the bath at all, who does that to a child?! Whats your DS supposed to understand from such a "signal?" He is 2!

I don't agree with parenting classes. For what? I think people like that will sometimes use info gained "outside" to justify what they do "oh well we were advised to try x in parenting classes but he hasn't responded so if I go back to doing y, you can't blame me"

When someone is emotionally unkind, which is a precursor to being emotionally abusive ( & part of it is arguing with the person who witnesses the unkindness, as well as the victim), I really wish classes or counselling would not be suggested, unless its coping strategies for the victim/witness. I see it time and again and it really is shit - it sends the message that the man's wishes and feelings are the most important, and that there is a way to gently soothe him into being what you want him to be, and meanwhile all should be oh so understanding and put up with his out of order behaviour in the meantime because, you know, it can all be resolved.

I can't believe this is about a small boy but you are looking out for him OP so please continue to do so and never 2nd guess yourself. You'll work out the right thing to do in the meantime, your son has you

Good luck

memyselfandaye · 17/02/2016 00:05

I thought your first post was about a child of 9 or 10.

Then I read that he's 2. Why the fuck would anyone switch off the light and leave a 2yr old in the bath? What an absolute fucking pig of a man.

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