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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp says I undermine him

88 replies

Standingonmytippytoes · 16/02/2016 20:47

So tonight dp was bathing ds and all I can hear is "stop touching what isn't yours you're always touching things thay aren't yours, you've done nothing you've been asked to today." From dp In reference to things that are on the sill in bathroom. "Why don't you listen why do you never listen to us" so I went upstairs and put all the stuff that ds was messing with away. Then gave my very upset ds a cuddle to which dp told me I was always cuddling him when dp is scolding him. So I left the room and dp left the room and turned of the light leaving ds in the bath in the dark crying. I said that's not bloody right and went into the bathroom and went to pick him up dp then snatched him from my arms and told me to stop doing that that it undermines him and took him into the bedroom.
Ds was very upset so I told dp to back off and I'd give ds a cuddle if I like.

Earlier today he was being a bit harsh to ds and later in the day he apologised. The apology went like this "ds I'm sorry for scolding you earlier but you need to start listening you never listen to us you never do what you're asked"

I probably am undermining him but I think dp's behaviour is terrible I don't know what to do to make dp understand that the way he speaks to ds is cruel.

OP posts:
GingerCuddleMonsterThe2nd · 16/02/2016 21:17

Oh and next time he's in the shower flush the toilet and turn the light off ....see how he likes it.

Hassled · 16/02/2016 21:17

I think you've just got to ask him what he wants his future relationship with his son to be like. Does he want DS to like him? Does he want DS to enjoy spending time with him? If he carries on like this, does he think that will happen?

FATEdestiny · 16/02/2016 21:18

Standingonmytippytoes - Have these conversations with your DP when your DS is not around (in bed).

You cant go undermining him and then walking away because "wanted to stop arguing in front of ds".

Unless there is something dangerous happening, then the matter is not immediately urgent. Yes, speak to your Dp about the way he talks to DS. But do it when DS is not around. Then you are not undermining him.

IguanaTail · 16/02/2016 21:18

Yes definitely. Do that.

NeedsAMousekatool · 16/02/2016 21:23

If someone was being nasty and unkind to my 2 year old then damn right I would be undermining that message. The op didn't say it was ok for her DS to touch things, she supported her DP when he was being reasonable, but yeah she undermined him when he was belittling her child and too right. Should she let her tiny toddler be picked on all the time? Er no.

TooOldForGlitter · 16/02/2016 21:24

I can't see in your OP where you have undermined this controlling bully. I see you protecting your child from him.

nowitscleanugobshite · 16/02/2016 21:24

I've been in that situation op. My stbxh complained bitterly about me undermining him. And he was right. I did! But I did it because he was wrong! He was aggressive, negative, unrealistic, illogical etc etc! To my great shame it took until he pushed my them 18 year old dd over the banister in his fury (at her defence of me!) until I finally did more than undermine him. It is one of my great regrets. I should have moved him out YEARS before but I had soine notion of vows a family a broken homes etc etc!!

RumAppleGinger · 16/02/2016 21:24

After reading your title I was going to come on and say I can be guilty of undermining my DH, I am conscious of it and often stop myself from entering the coversation/argument because I feel I can defuse it/resolve the issue quicker or better than DH. However it's over silly little things like getting DS to brush his teeth in the morning without us being late etc and DH isn't a dick, it's just I've already been there, had that silly conversation with DS 20 times and worked out how to handle it. I spend more time with him so it makes sense. I'm consistent with DS and so he knows when to stop dicking about. DS pushes a lot more boundaries with DH but I realise I have to step back and let them figure it out.

However after reading your post and update not a chance would I be able to not intervene. He left an already upset 2 year old in the bath in the dark. How horrible. I sure as shit would be in there to comfort the child no matter what your DH thought.

Is this your DH'S usual reaction to the normal behaviour of a toddler?

Aspergallus · 16/02/2016 21:25

Fucking hell. Your DH has no fucking clue. No fucking clue at all. His expectations of a child's behaviour at that age are way, way, WAY, wrong.

I don't think your DH is going to see the light without significant intervention. Seriously. Self-refer to your local child&families social worker and ask for some family support. Maybe DH will respond to someone "official" telling him how out of order he is.

Aspergallus · 16/02/2016 21:28

Quite frankly you don't need to be posting here for informal advice. This is an urgent social work referral. At 2/3 years old this is such poor parenting it borders on emotional abuse.

NameChange30 · 16/02/2016 21:29

He is emotionally abusing your child and probably you as well. Please could you read these signs of emotional abuse and let us know if anything sounds familiar?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 16/02/2016 21:29

ds is TWO? And his father left him alone in the bath? Shock And speaks to him in a way that would be iffy to a 10yo?
Tell him you'll stop 'undermining' him once he stops bullying a baby.
Some parents (and some people on here) hold the parental-united-front-at-all-costs sacred when what is actually going on is a child subject to damaging behaviour by one parent and abandoned to it by the other.
OP, I think you're right to 'undermine', in this instance. Your ds is TWO. Your dp (to be extremely charitable) doesn't get how very, very little that still is.
Tell him the haranguing stops. Remind him babies and toddlers learn and develop by exploring things and testing boundaries. All this 'you never listen' stuff is too abstract for a child this age, but the tone in which it's said isn't, and is very damaging.
If he won't stop, and doesn't greatly regret his actions in leaving ds in the bath in the dark, I think you need to consider whether ds might be being harmed by staying in this environment.

goddessofsmallthings · 16/02/2016 21:30

I just feel like if I don't nip this in the bud now it's going to get worse.

How to make dp listen. I've told him again and again to stop. But that's me "undermining" him again.

SquinkiesRule · 16/02/2016 21:31

He wasn't reprimanding him he was lecturing and belittling him. He's 2 ffs. Your supposed to move things that tempt them, not leave them and nag at the poor boy for touching. using a gentle talking voice. He's setting him up to fail. What a knob your Dh is.
Turning out the light leaving him in the bath is borderline abuse, it can scare the crap out of the child.
You need a long sit down come to jesus talk with that man. He needs better parenting skills, it's not all natural many skills are learnt.

magpie17 · 16/02/2016 21:31

Sorry, he's only 2?! I was imagining an older child. No, you are not being unreasonable here, your DP is being horrible.

Aspergallus · 16/02/2016 21:32

Self refer to social work. That's what you do. Seriously.

TooOldForGlitter · 16/02/2016 21:32

Does he have any good points? Is he like this with you? Bossy? Nitpicky?

BurningBridges · 16/02/2016 21:33

So if your partner is bullying your child and you object, that's you undermining him? WTAF?!

NameChange30 · 16/02/2016 21:36

If this was just a parenting issue, I would suggest parenting classes. But it's a much bigger issue. The man refuses to listen. It sounds like he is an emotional abuser. I would want to get myself and my child(ren) away from him. I would be keeping a written record of all incidents and seeking advice from social services and/or a solicitor about how to go about ensuring he only gets supervised contact. I'm serious.

Oysterbabe · 16/02/2016 21:36

What a bastard :O
Is DS his child?

YouAreMyRain · 16/02/2016 21:37

My EX husband was like this.

goddessofsmallthings · 16/02/2016 21:38

Follow up to earlier cock-up:

I just feel like if I don't nip this in the bud now it's going to get worse. It seems to me the bud is beginning to flower.

How to make dp listen. I've told him again and again to stop. Tell him to get his abusive arse out of your home and attend a parenting course before you'll give consideration to allowing him anywhere near your ds again.

If you don't act now your dp will break your child's spirit and cause him untold misery. I'm not given to violence but I'd happily give your dp a verbal tongue lashing, punch his lights out, and leave him to rot in the bath as it's no more than he deserves.

DelphiniumBlue · 16/02/2016 21:46

I was going to say perhaps you were undermining him a bit, but then I read that he left your 2 year old in the bath by himself (!!!!) and then turned off the light!
Did he mean to turn off the light or was it an automatic reflex on leaving the room? Probably grasping at straws here....
Doesn't matter what you or DS did, there's no excuse for leaving him alone in the bath - doesn't DP know how dangerous that is? He could have drowned, it can happen in seconds. Especially if DS was then in dark, he could have tried to stand and slipped.
DP needs to understand how dangerous his behaviour was. He then needs to address the cruelty of leaving DS in the dark. Once he's done that, maybe talk about undermining, but priority-wise, that comes a very poor third.
I'd be worrying about else he might do, has he really got so little sense? Maybe parenting classes? I don't think I'd be trusting him alone with my baby at the moment.

MissTriggs · 16/02/2016 21:52

If d.s. has problems with speech and language he will not "listen" to this level of language yet. Dh needs help to grasp how to simplify his language and adjust his expectations

Dvd:"teach me to listen and obey" would help
Hanen "it takes two to talk" is as expensive as a pair of boots but worth every penny.
I have chosen thse two because they are"dh friendly"- and will be acceptable to parents who dislike labels,etc
Good luck, please consider posting on special needs board as there is massive experience of this issue. If you have a speech therapist dh needs to talk with her.

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