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Original poster

Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

1000 replies

Tophat72 · 16/02/2016 19:46

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

OP posts:
RomiiRoo · 17/02/2016 21:17

I think this is complicated by the fact that the DP also used her money for house improvements, which the OP benefits from and presumably did not contribute to. So, that needs to be factored into the 70%, she could argue she is 'clawing back' that money. The DP presumably incurred costs selling and moving nearer him (a significant investment in a relationship with someone whose marriage has just broken down).

OP should just move out if he is not happy. He paid extra for the first couple of years, I am sure it doesn't equal what the DP spent on moving costs and renovations. So her investment here will have contributed to the house being worth more.

The OP effectively wants his money back as the relationship has soured; whereas it was paid as an investment in a joint future which seems unlikely to materialise. OP could cut his losses and go, but it looks a bit like he is holding on for a bigger savings pot or a share of the house.

No advice, but not a relationship I would stay in from either perspective, sorry

NNalreadyinuse · 17/02/2016 21:26

If she was taking 70% then that's out of order.

This relationship is toxic at its core. The best thing you could do is to move out, secure your own asset and maybe you can salvage it once you are both on an equal footing.

Try and claim what is legitimately hers and she will never trust you and rightly so.

LyndaNotLinda · 17/02/2016 21:37

It's absolutely pertinent Nottoday. It wouldn't have been half such a popular thread though

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2016 21:44

so if you continue you would have spent 9yrs paying half a mortgage, so i think its fair to have a % of the house if you split,33% seems fair as you would have paid roughly a third 9yrs of a 25yr mortgage

or least have life tenancy and when you die, house passes to her nephew

tho

you have kids, tho wouldnt you like a nest egg for them, so think you should buy your own place, you said you could afford to, and rent it out so you have something to leave them if you die BUT also a roof over your head if you split up

my circumstances are slightly diff, own my own home and mortgage free and then dp now df moved in 4years ago

he doesnt pay rent but we split the bills and he does stuff round the house

originally my will said my home to be split 50/50 with 2 close friends, changed it couple of years ago to df now getting the home

only thing that would change is if i ever got preg ( trying so hard and 3 private ifv failed) and my house/our home, would go 100% to our child, but df would live there till he died

this is as he has 3 kids from previous relationships and if i did have a child, then house needs to go to my/our child and not his iyswim

Kidnapped · 17/02/2016 21:59

"Other than that, it will go towards a property of my own, rented or bought if and when I am shown the door".

This thread was pretty evenly split in terms of opinions, but after your last update I think you will get a broad consensus now.

Move out. You can't put up with a crappy relationship full of resentment on both sides in order to save a few quid. That goes for both of you.

You both deserve to be happy. Take control of your life - you won't regret it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/02/2016 22:07

LyndaNotLinda
"If he just wants to pay his portion of bills, then he wants to be a cocklodger."

This is what you posted.

Posting

"I said he'd be a cock lodger if he stopped paying his share of his overheads, not that he is."

Is just back tracking.

Spectre8 · 17/02/2016 22:13

The cynic in me says she has you paying her money to contribute to the mortgage and there is only 5 yrs left, how convenient to keep you around and paying towards it for another 5 years and in 5 years turn round and say sorry its not working cya later. Off you go and she has had the benefit of you paying half of her mortgage payments for 9 years. Considering its been going downhill for a while I wonder what keeps the two of you together right now.

ClarenceTheLion · 17/02/2016 22:21

But he says he's paying less than he should be now - so presumably not even enough to cover his 50% of ultilities, food, etc, so he isn't convenient anymore, in fact he's being deliberately inconvenient, yet she hasn't kicked him out.

LyndaNotLinda · 17/02/2016 22:25

How is that backtracking? It's cocklodging to pay just bills. Because living in a house isn't just bills. There's the whole bricks and mortar bit. Which is what rent/share of mortgage covers.

I apologise if I wasn't very clear but I haven't backtracked.

oneowlgirl · 17/02/2016 22:29

Totally agree with Clarence - do her a favour & move out. I can't believe she hasn't kicked you out already TBH.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 17/02/2016 22:32

But he says he's paying less than he should be now - so presumably not even enough to cover his 50% of ultilities, food, etc, so he isn't convenient anymore, in fact he's being deliberately inconvenient, yet she hasn't kicked him out.

Because he overpaid for nearly half of the time they have lived together.

The DP won't kick him out. Why would she. She has her cake and is eating it.

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 17/02/2016 22:32

lynda, cocklodging is paying NOTHING. ZERO, ZIP, ZILCH, NADA.

The fact he is paying her anything, means he is not a cocklodger. Will you stop trying to peg him with that.

Shutthatdoor · 17/02/2016 22:33

The cynic in me says she has you paying her money to contribute to the mortgage and there is only 5 yrs left, how convenient to keep you around and paying towards it for another 5 years and in 5 years turn round and say sorry its not working cya later. Off you go and she has had the benefit of you paying half of her mortgage payments for 9 years.

Completely agree.

BMW6 · 17/02/2016 22:38

Move out. You are being used.

ConkersDontScareSpiders · 17/02/2016 22:41

Why see it as 'paying half her mortgage?'. See it instead as rent (and as you point out renting more cheaply than were you to rent something on your own). I'm not sure why you should expect to live somewhere for free? If you were renting you wouldn't end up with any sort of share in the house you were living in, so again I'm not sure where that expectation comes from?
What odds does it make that she only has 5 years left to pay?

Of course you should pay your half of the bills, but you should also be paying rent to live somewhere as you would if you were living in a house share with a friend.

LyndaNotLinda · 17/02/2016 22:42

Adrift - that's your definition. I disagree :)

In any case, I think the new information the OP has finally deigned to share makes this discussion redundant. He should move out. It's a horrible situation where it sounds like neither of them trust or respect one another

LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 17/02/2016 22:43

See it instead as rent

In that case she should be paying tax on it.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/02/2016 22:45

So op

What made you realise all of a sudden you were paying 70% when you didn't know before.

Assuming you have experance of running households and know what things cost and what they don't?

Hissy · 17/02/2016 22:46

I agree that she's wanting her cake and eating it.

She wants you to pay, the70% would have upset me to the core, but you have absolutely zero, nor will you ever have, any security

I would say this to any partner; if they want you to go halves on the mortgage, then there needs to be a recognition of that. Otherwise, okay your bills send no more.

I too think you ought to move out.

Spectre8 · 17/02/2016 22:50

If it is rent than there should a tenancy agreement/ lodger agreement in place and she should be declaring that rent as additional income to determine if tax needs to be paid.

Sorry but from what I have read the fact she isn't really interested in your kids but yet she won't really end it with you either makes me say she will put up with the arrangement for now for the remaining 5 years so she can get money from you that pays some of her mortgage payment and then once its done and dusted she will boot you out.

Are people seriously suggesting he carries on paying her money towards a mortgage once it is paid off? [hmmm]

If she wants to protect her house and have it 100% owned by her than she shouldn't be accepting money towards paying it off, as it has been pointed out from other posters who have legal friends that in the current situation OP can take her to court to get back the money he has been paying in.

apricotdanish · 17/02/2016 22:59

This cocklodger crap that people keep throwing about, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, is vile and unnecessary and I'm damn sure that if the roles were reversed a similar insult would not be hurled at a woman.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/02/2016 23:05

Somehow missed update from op

Sad to say she isn't going to be happy reducing to less then 70%
I think you need to either move out or buy to rent for a roof over your head and your kids

At the moment you have nothing

apricotdanish · 17/02/2016 23:10

^Agreed, can't se how this is going to get any better. Pleas move out and get somewhere of your own and find something better and more fulfilling relationship-wise.

LyndaNotLinda · 17/02/2016 23:12

apricot - no one is saying the OP is a cocklodger. Just that refusing to pay anything other than his share of bills would make him one. Do keep up!

apricotdanish · 17/02/2016 23:14

Oh he most definitely was called a cocklodger, why don't you keep up! I've RTFT! I know what I read.

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