Is it fair to be expected to pay half her Mortgage?

[Tophat72]

Hi there. I'm looking for some impartial comment on what has become a huge issue between my partner and me.

We are both divorcees but although with similar salaries, have very different financial commitments. I have two children I am financially responsible for while she is childless and comfortably well off. She has her own large home and only has 5 years left to pay on her mortgage. I lost my house in my financial settlement with my ex.

I live with my partner in her home. Before moving in with her, I had to sign a legal agreement acknowledging that I have no claim whatsoever on any percentage of the house in the event of our separation. The house is hers and hers alone. Furthermore, I am not catered for in any way in her will. Should she die, the house and her entire estate goes to her sister and nephew...

My partner believes that all the household expenses, including her mortgage payments, should be split 50-50 between us. I however am adamant that given the circumstances, I should not be contributing towards the purchase of her house and I am only prepared to pay for my share of the other household bills (utilities, council tax, groceries etc)

This has become a huge bone of contention between us and sadly things are looking terminal.

Her position is that paying half of her outstanding mortgage should be looked upon by me as paying a modest rent as if she were my landlady. She also quite rightly points out that I am still living very cheaply and if I were to get a place of my own my monthly outgoings would be well over twice what I currently pay her. She feels that I earn the same as her and live under the same roof so I should pay the same.

From my perspective, I have absolutely no objection to going 50-50, but only if she is prepared to afford me some kind of proportionate security or stake in the house in the event of our separation or her death. I don't see why I should contribute 50% towards the ongoing purchase of a capital investment that I have a 0% share in. I feel as though she wants to have her cake and eat it, keeping everything to herself while expecting me to pay for an equal share of, well nothing.

I've tried to write this as objectively as I can. Obviously her friends and family support her position and my friends and family mine. For my own peace of mind, I would be really keen to read the thoughts of a truly neutral observer. Cheers

Op, ultimately the court will decide and I can see this going to court, you certainly won't be sent packing with nothing to show for your years of mortgage contributions. It sounds like she is very comfortable so you aren't putting her it a sticky spot, just asking for what the law entitles you to.

So you acknowledge that what you were paying was cheaper than independent living but decided to just stop paying the agreed amount. Despite that being affordable especially due to your increased expenditure (due to the financial settlement you made being higher as you wishes to protect your pension) and you previously feeling it was a fair contribution towards your daily living.

It's a new house solely purchased by her hence signed agreement (I expect as a condition of her obtaining the mortgage).

And since you reduced it you have decided to keep further reducing it until she caves in and gives you part of her house.

And you have done all of this because you are falling out. And are pretty much just hanging in there to see what you can get out of her.

And you are confused as to why she does not wish to give you a formal legal interest in her home.

Be a grown up stop blaming others for your decisions and go and buy your own house.

I say move out.... Chance to build a life as there doesn't seem to be anything left here for you..

For the first 18 months or so, I in fact paid her what I now know to be the equivalent of 70% of all monthly household expenditure (mortgage payments included) This proved unsustainable at my end and for the last couple of years it has settled at a 50-50 split

Her having you paying 70% is completely unreasonable

Op, ultimately the court will decide and I can see this going to court, you certainly won't be sent packing with nothing to show for your years of mortgage contributions. It sounds like she is very comfortable so you aren't putting her it a sticky spot, just asking for what the law entitles you to

It would interest me to hear what a court would order in these circumstances, given its only been 4 years the house was brought with the sole intention of it not belonging to the op and that he's only paid keep they do not have joint children or joint finances and he says his 'keep' has been less than it would be if he was renting or buying himself.

Lynda??

First of all op is a cocklodger in your opinion, then when it becomes clear he is not a cocklodger you resort to calling him an idiot! Have a word with yourself

Op, I say move out too, sadly.

It would interest me to hear what a court would order in these circumstances, given its only been 4 years the house was brought with the sole intention of it not belonging to the op and that he's only paid keep they do not have joint children or joint finances and he says his 'keep' has been less than it would be if he was renting or buying himself.

It would considering he was paying 70% of the bills for 18 months then 50%. It may not go the DP way.

I agree with others about the tax man too.

Some people have been very unfair to you - essentially bringing their own experiences in and judging you by them.

As I see it you have always paid your way - first 70% of all costs - including mortgage and later 50%.

You are treated like a tenant/lodger in that you are invoiced and expected to pay extra when your kids come, (and she has known them for 4,5,6 years??)

You have none of the rights that a tenant would have - exclusive occupation, notice, own room etc.

You showed her you were not after her money by willingly signing an agreement relinquishing any possible rights. You still do not want her money - just a safety net of your own.

She has made it perfectly clear that although she does not need the money she wants you to continue paying - even though it is tough for you as you have kids, ( kids she wants no part of). There is nothing for you either now or when she dies.

It is so clear OP. You have to get your own place - and maybe even another woman who loves you for who you are, who will care about your kids and welcome them, and with whom you can build a proper future.

I agree with moving out. Unfortunately OP is trying to regain financial control about 4 years after the horse bolted.

Hindsight is the most exact science on earth.

The OP is gaining financially from living in his partner's house

The DP is getting more. 70%.

Sorry OP she is using you. Get out.

The 70% was still cheaper than it would have cost him to secure his own accomadation.

Interesting at what he wants is a financial interest in the house rather than a formal renting agreement.

Bibbity - I wonder why the OP didn't include that info in his OP. Don't you?

I said he'd be a cock lodger if he stopped paying his share of his overheads, not that he is.

I also wonder about a man who spins a narrative where he is constantly shafted by women (first his ex, nod his partner). It's a very F4J way of seeing the world ...

No it is a very MN way of seeing things. Most of us post about horrible ex Hs, dreadful MiL, awful neighbours, bad parkers, insensitive teachers, and EA partners.

V few post about how lovely everyone is and how reasonable and unselfish - although there is the occasional thread.

Sounds as if OP 's arrangement worked when the relationship is new - and doesn't work now.

From your update OP, it is clear that you don't much like or respect your partner.

I think you have both been a bit unreasonable TBH. That said- you agreed to move in knowing the deal you were getting- presumably you were happy as it represented a good deal for you, given that you were not in a position to buy.

She was BU to charge so much at the beginning. You are unreasonable to unilaterally change your payments to save for a house whilst simultaneously demanding a portion of the value of her home.

Both of you have what sounds like pretty deep and simmering resentment, which does not make for a great relationship. I honestly can't see the point of letting this limp on as it is.

You need to speak to her and both work on your relationship or move forward separately.

So you're actually not paying 50-50, you're paying less to 'claw back your overpayments'. And most of this thread is full with people complaining that SHE doesn't see YOU as a partner...

Do both of you a favour and move out. Though I suspect you won't do that until you are well and truly cocklodging and she has had enough.

Good god yes move out. Life is way to short for this kind of resentment towards your partner!

I think you need to break this deadlock OP and the way to do it is to say that whatever her thoughts on this matter, the current position is unsustainable for you.

As such the options are that a) you both agree to a compromise, perhaps talking to a solicitor to discuss what the options are and how they could be implemented b) you leave her and her home to establish one of you own.

At the moment she is holding all the cards, so it's in her interests to draw this out, whilst also complaining about how little you are now contributing.

The relationship is already suffering as a result, so its time to seek a re-commitmnet and agreement from you both or call it a day imho.

I wonder why the OP didn't include that info in his OP. Don't you?

No I don't.

Not all OP put everything in the OP. Especially when it is to do with relationships

So you're actually not paying 50-50, you're paying less to 'claw back your overpayments'

So would I in these circumstances.

She was more than willing for him to pay in more than she did plus more when his DC are there.

She well and truly is having her cake and eating it.

I don't either. I think the op was long enough. There isn't really much new information in the update, other than the fact that she was charging him more like 70% of her household bills when he first moved in.

So you're actually not paying 50-50, you're paying less to 'claw back your overpayments'. And most of this thread is full with people complaining that SHE doesn't see YOU as a partner

Well her having the OP paying 70% into the house is REALLY fare.

I'd be clawing it back to!

Well he did try to sort it out with her before he took the punitive route, it's not like he just magnanimously and without warning reduced the standing order. And what type of partner lets you pay 70% of the bills and mortgage knowing you have kids to support in the first place? That was a dick move and suggests she never really saw him as having a proper stake in her life. At least it took his "mercenary" and "selfish" attitude a few years to creep in!

sounds like a lot of resentment here and i'd be questioning the future of the relationship.

As soon as you use the phrase 'claw back' to describe any aspect of a relationship, it's time for a rethink.

OP, this arrangement suited you at the beginning, when she relocated and provided you with a roof over your head near your kids for less than you'd have paid to rent on your own. Now, it doesn't - but you can't retrospectively decide she's been unfair when you were fine with it to start with. You're not talking about selling up to buy together, which suggests you don't feel there's much mileage in this relationship romantically - you're planning on buying somewhere for yourself, as security - so surely it's fairer all round to call it a day now, and seek some proper legal advice about what you may or may not be entitled to.