to finally tell H how demanding I can be

[buildingafootieteam]

Chatting with H (no D here tonight) and brought up that I'd seen an easter Egg I would like in the shop but it will be popular so if he wanted to get it for me he'd probably want to get it early (easter is a special time for us as a couple and we always mark it). Chatting later and I told him mothers day was early this year. He told me I was very demanding. Bear in mind I didn't ask for anything for mothers day I was letting him know if he wanted to get the dc to make a picture. Well all hell broke loose. I'm so sick of keeping my 'demands' buried. Every birthday and christmas I tell him something to get me (something practical) because he doesn't have the get up and go to think of anything to get me. I'd love to be treated special but lecture after lecture about money has broken me and I just ask for things I need instead of things I want. I picked my own engagement ring and picked the cheapest one as I was already getting a lecture about money. But when I wanted to save on the wedding by going abroad he wanted the big day so that's what we had. We didn't get wedding presents because they were a waste of money. I'm so sick of being treated like nothing so I said said it out. Now he's sleeping on the couch (his choice I didn't ask him to). Is it wrong to want to be treated every now and again

What a strange situation.
You married him even though he lecture you about money in regard to the engagement ring, so the good points must have outweighed this.
Clearly he is a frugal man who doesn't go in for 'occasions'. Therefore as a high earner yourself I think you just have to get yourself the things you want be they Easter eggs, flowers or bed sheets. Arrange your own treats for special occasions, it's not his thing and you knew that when you married him.
Pointing out what Easter egg you want is five year old behaviour. You are expending a lot of energy being frustrated with him for not living up to your 'demands'. Remove that frustration by accepting him as he is and has always been and treating yourself instead. Everyone is happier.

If your partner is considerate then most people don't need to ask about presents because their partner will make a reasonable effort. I think this runs much deeper than any Easter Egg and is about being acknowledged and having an equal say in the family. DH comes from a culture that doesn't celebrate birthdays much but he manages to organise a card and a bunch of flowers because I do celebrate them.

Unless you are a complete spendthrift then why does every decision get made on the basis of money. I am a fairly cautious spender (potential to be a bit stingy if I let myself) but I have made a conscious decision to loosen up the purse strings a bit because it was taking the joy out of life turning every event into a cashflow analysis.

Do you feel you are appreciated? Do you feel you have an equal voice?

The Easter egg thing is very strange, you probably would have got more helpful replies if you had left that out.

For goodness sake, the OP asked for an Easter egg!!!! An. Easter. Egg.

Not a diamond ring, not a vacation in Hawaii, not a Ferrari, not even a pair of slippers... it's chocolate... Cannot fathom what all the diva comments are about???

Seriously OP, you are not in any way being unreasonable to ask for one chocolate that you like... for those of you who find this diva'ish and unreasonable, have you lost the plot????

Agree with you there whimsical - all the woman wants is not to have to ask for a present. Not sheet, not household good, just something for her. And her H seems incapable of getting it. OP - you are def not being unreasonable

I don't understand the logic in you not getting wedding presents as they are "a waste of money"? Surely someone as tight as him would have loved having other people buy you stuff for the house?

Or are you saying that not only is he crap at buying you presents, he actively prevents other people from buying you presents too?

Sorry another bit I didn't make clear! We didn't get each other a wedding present. I had picked out a lovely little bracelet that I was going to wear on our wedding day and when I told him I had picked this out and did he want to get it as my wedding presents I was told we weren't doing that. Oh bit also he thinks people shouldn't get us presents, including people buying for our dc

It sounds as though you've got mismatched expectations and you both think you're right about it. My DH is pretty much identical - hates the amount the DC get given for Christmas, birthdays etc. In his case it stems from always being made to feel greedy about stuff as a child I think. I get myself things I really want. I also accept that it costs us less overall because DH isn't interested in getting himself gifts all the time and I benefit from that.

OP, I would ask MNHQ if you could get this moved to Relationships. You absolutely have deeper issues here, and there are much fewer bitchy posters over there.

YANBU at all. And specifying your Easter egg preference is perfectly reasonable! I'm assuming all of the posters saying it's childish don't ever request anything specific for birthdays or Christmas, or anything else they get bought things for.

I've never heard of the bride and groom getting each other wedding gifts.
Is that even a thing?
I have to say I would have agreed with him on this point , it just unnecessary.

I honestly don't feel any need to receive gifts from my wife. Ever. Be it Christmas, birthdays or anything. Sometimes she will get me something nice but I honestly don't care if I get nothing.

My wife is now pretty much the same. When either of us wants something we buy it if we can from joint funds, within reason.

For Christmas to each other I booked us a spa day.

We try to live a good life but just don't believe that dates in the calendar are important (other than toddler's birthday). Making a fuss and having a sense of entitlement about getting presents is crass and very, very childish. It also puts people under pressure, which isn't nice.

OP, I'm married to someone who has many wonderful qualities but is a complete pain in the arse about any sort of special occasion.

He is the king of "IOU"s which resulted in me having NO presents for Christmas 2014 or my birthday in 2015. On Saturday we were at a friend's house and I suggested leaving (DD2 was a woman on the edge of a meltdown) and he said "good idea, I need to go into town." which translates as "I haven't got you a Valentine's card yet." Every year I have to give him lists of presents I want and I hate it. I NEVER ask him for a list. I pick up on hints and then get him something I know he wants and something he hasn't thought of.

I don't need or want anything in particular, I need and want (frankly) to be thought about and not to be made feel like a burden.

So YANBU

I got nothing for V day (again) , my birthday is on Sunday, dp will probably make a big song and dance about getting me something that I dont want or need; like a pen for £8 then mothers day, I'll probably have to take the dc to buy me a card.

Thing is I'd be happy with breakfast in bed (never happens unless the dc make it) a nice family walk in the park/woods with the dog and then dinner/tea cooked (or even ordered) for me. Presents are nice, but I like gestures more.

And specifying your Easter egg preference is perfectly reasonable! I'm assuming all of the posters saying it's childish don't ever request anything specific for birthdays or Christmas, or anything else they get bought things for

Asking to be bought specific items as presents is for children who do not have their own money. Adults with their own money just buy what they want, when they want it, providing that it is within budget and there is money spare after essential items have been paid for.

There is absolutely no point choosing something and then telling someone else to buy it for you when you could just get it yourself, especially when your money all comes from the same family pot. Presents between adults are then the token flowers/chocolate/alcohol type.

"YANBU at all. And specifying your Easter egg preference is perfectly reasonable! I'm assuming all of the posters saying it's childish don't ever request anything specific for birthdays or Christmas, or anything else they get bought things for."

I'm sorry but if an adult wants and Easter egg to the degree that it matters which one they should just buy their own. What are we talking about here, a fiver, tenner, £20 max?

Turning something like this into a drama is pathetic. If my wife really wanted me to buy her a specific Easter egg I would just buy her it but I would think it was nuts.

"Thing is I'd be happy with breakfast in bed (never happens unless the dc make it) a nice family walk in the park/woods with the dog and then dinner/tea cooked (or even ordered) for me. Presents are nice, but I like gestures more."

This is normal and healthy. A partner who is failing to deliver this is a problem.

I admire your taste in chocolate. Buy it yourself. He just isn't like that and you know he will leave it until the last minute and they will be gone. My DH is the same tbh but I am long past getting hurt by it. I know that if there is an occasion coming up he appreciates me reminding him as he would forget all about it and then feel bad.

Different people have different priorities in life. You need to find a way of coping with the fact that you are married to someone totally different to yourself. I am sure you can think of some great things about him that you like that other people wish their partner possessed?

You are ending up in these really quite silly conversations about Easter Eggs and planning stuff as you feel completely underappreciated. If you felt appreciated and a bit special (just once or twice a year) you would not end up hinting like this or planning out weekends before events.

I don't think you have done anything wrong at all, you are simply responding to the situation you have been put in, and getting stressed and anxious as these big days approach so you don't feel let down.

By contrast, I didn't get anything from my husband for Valentines this year, he wasn't well and I didn't want him to go out in the cold to get something, but because I have had innumerable gifts over the years, plus feel like he really adores me, it didn't matter at all, we just discussed having a dinner out another time.

This is becoming a big tangible symbol of how you are ignored and it is that message, rather than which egg you want, which is what you need to transmit and he needs to hear (and act on!)

Agree with HPSauciness. The presents are symbolic. You don't come across well but the fact you are having these confrontations about material things is because of what they symbolise for you

I must say, too, that his attitude towards presents is really unusual. I'd want to get to the bottom of that. It's his problem

I got nothing for Christmas, nothing for my birthday (40th) and nothing for Valentine's day. On Mothers' Day I will get a card from my children but nothing from dh. I must admit to feeling a bit upset about the lack of acknowledgement of my birthday (given that it was a big number) but then I look to the rest of our lives- the fact that my dh is a great dad, a fun husband who cooks and cleans for us without being asked and who loves me and his girls. Do the gestures matter? Not really. It's the day to day gestures that count IMO.

OP said I'd seen an easter Egg I would like in the shop but it will be popular so if he wanted to get it for me he'd probably want to get it early (easter is a special time for us as a couple and we always mark it)

I read the bit that said 'if he wanted to get it for me'. Which isn't demanding, or telling him what he must get. OP said 'if', which implies a choice on the husband's part.

He sounds as if he doesn't appreciate you and doesn't respect your feelings too much. Tbh you seem to be as much at fault as he is really. You've "allowed" him to do this from day one so he's not going to change unless he is forced to.

Now the real issue is
A. whether you have mismatched expectations over the value of present giving - common in a lot of relationships but can often be compromised on or one person can teach the other that whilst it may not be important to them, it is important to themselves so for the sake of the relationship it needs to be done.
This should be easily fixable.

Or
B. This lack of respect is indicative of deeper issues. The op mentions she normally lets him get his own way. Now is this a pattern they have fallen into as the op is generally more laid back or is it because there would be horrible consequences if she didn't toe the line? What is the rest of your relationship ship like op? Is there any respect/compromise for you in any other aspects of your relationship? From what you say, it is doubtful. What happens if you do stand up for what you want? Or what are you afraid of what might happen if you dont do things his way? Does he show he loves you in other ways? Or is this withdrawn if you don't "behave"?

If the situation is B then you relationship is in serious trouble. Counselling is definitely necessary. If he won't agree and/or he refuses to talk about and address these issues, then you are going to have to face the hard decision of putting up with this way of life for ever or you need to think about ending your marriage.

Your frustrations and resentment aren't going to go away - and neither should they. Time to make big changes to improve it for yourself or time to get out. He's not going to want to change the status quo, after all the current situation is great for him. How willing and able is he, when you force the changes?

If he starts to be really abusive please get out immediately. This controlling could already be seen as abuse, depending on how the rest of your relationship is. Things may quickly escalate when you start standing up for yourself. If you can't start standing up for yourself it may because he's already done such a number on you that he's eroded any confidence you have. In that case the usual advice is Women's Aid.

Hopefully he is just a selfish arse who will see the need for change and comoromise when you start demanding it. Stand up for yourself op. Your emotional needs are as important as his.

"Hopefully he is just a selfish arse"

How depressing, when that's the best case scenario

I agree with your post though.

I read the bit that said 'if he wanted to get it for me'. Which isn't demanding, or telling him what he must get. OP said 'if', which implies a choice on the husband's part.

Yes which is different to the op and came after she was told swbu. I am always dubious about corrections like that.