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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to finally tell H how demanding I can be

79 replies

buildingafootieteam · 15/02/2016 23:24

Chatting with H (no D here tonight) and brought up that I'd seen an easter Egg I would like in the shop but it will be popular so if he wanted to get it for me he'd probably want to get it early (easter is a special time for us as a couple and we always mark it). Chatting later and I told him mothers day was early this year. He told me I was very demanding. Bear in mind I didn't ask for anything for mothers day I was letting him know if he wanted to get the dc to make a picture. Well all hell broke loose. I'm so sick of keeping my 'demands' buried. Every birthday and christmas I tell him something to get me (something practical) because he doesn't have the get up and go to think of anything to get me. I'd love to be treated special but lecture after lecture about money has broken me and I just ask for things I need instead of things I want. I picked my own engagement ring and picked the cheapest one as I was already getting a lecture about money. But when I wanted to save on the wedding by going abroad he wanted the big day so that's what we had. We didn't get wedding presents because they were a waste of money. I'm so sick of being treated like nothing so I said said it out. Now he's sleeping on the couch (his choice I didn't ask him to). Is it wrong to want to be treated every now and again

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 16/02/2016 06:59

I think after 15 years of my DH not having the gumption to buy me a present without being prompted i'd go a bit ballistic. The Easter egg is the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back

Maybe you need to get more assertive if it's you who usually acquiesces to him over financial matters. I think sometimes as woman we can feel guilty if we actually want more decadent things so we end up choosing the practical options but the OP needs to stop doing that right now

StrictlyMumDancing · 16/02/2016 07:00

I understand you, its not actually about what you want really but about you wanting him to think of you from time to time.

I'd suggest as others that you stop treating him too. And if there's something you really want like and Easter Egg then buy it yourself and stash it. It can always be 'from the kids'!

bakingaddict · 16/02/2016 07:07

I don't think it's juvenile LordBrightside to feel neglected and unloved when your spouse is unable and unwilling to buy you a present without first being prompted. OP are there any other areas of financial abuse in your relationship, you say you get lecture after lecture about money when you ask for a present making you go for the cheap option when you seem quite comfortable as a family?

Katenka · 16/02/2016 07:07

The thing is, if you are telling him what to get you....he isn't treating you. He is just doing as you ask.

Tbh I would be really shocked if dh said ' I want this Easter egg can you get it now so I am not disappointed'. Couple with a mention of Father's Day.

I thought Mother's Day is always the first Sunday in March? How is it early this year?

Maybe he is fed up of being micro managed. It doesn't sound like you are compatible.

Me and dh are very different. But try and understand eachothers differences and work with them.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 16/02/2016 07:11

Buying yourself lilies on Feb 13th - unless you buy yourself flowers every week - sounds a bit passive aggressive. Putting in your Easter egg order and pointing out the date of Mother's Day (on the same day, no less) is pushy and would probably get most people's back up.

I tend to agree.

MrsOs · 16/02/2016 07:25

I disagree.. I think valentines day and having to buy her own flowers probably reminded her that there are other important dates coming up where unless she prompts she may be disappointed. I think it has raised some issues (like i have in my relationship) that sometimes we just want to be shown that we are special and loved... Without us needing to ask! Hugs OP x

BarbaraofSeville · 16/02/2016 07:41

The thing is, if you are telling him what to get you....he isn't treating you. He is just doing as you ask

^^This. You need to separate these items/gifts you expect your DH to buy you with him loving and showing you appreciation. If you have a reasonable disposable income and want a specific item and are stood in front of it in the shop, just buy it yourself when you see it.

There is no point in you seeing it and then telling him to buy it for you, especially if you share finances. And if he is buying you something because you tell him what to buy and he is pretty much buying it because otherwise you will moan, there is no thought/effort/love behind the gift - he is doing it under obligation, not love.

I'd much rather have a partner who shows thought/effort love in everyday life by taking on fair share of domestic crap and doing little things to show that he is thinking of me than one who is not so good day to day but makes a big show of commercial holidays like Easter, Valentines and Mother's Day, where in truth, most people are buying things because it is the done thing to do.

IsEatBedThyme · 16/02/2016 07:52

Who the fuck buys adults easter eggs?? They are for kids. Your husband will get you what he wants to get you, not what you demand like a 5 year old.

BarbarianMum · 16/02/2016 08:08

And if he wants to get her nothing, *IsEat? Then she just puts up and shuts up? How very convenient that he doesn't "believe" in things that involve him making an effort to show appreciation of his wife.

onecurrantbun1 · 16/02/2016 08:15

The thing is, if you are telling him what to get you....he isn't treating you. He is just doing as you ask.

I was a bit.guilty of doing this on occasion. We don't have loafs of money and I rarely treat myself so I would pre-empt any gift giving by stating what I wanted. However this didn't allow DH to show his thoughtfulness and initiative, which he likes to show. I have now stopped asking for specific things - we go shopping together in early December (a rare afternoon without the DCs!) and choose some thing new - a book,CD, dress - then gget each other a small token gift as a surprise.

Buying yourself lilies and putting an order in for an Easter egg does seem a little unreasonable - give the poor bloke chance! If he gets you nothing - cross that bridge then.

Katenka · 16/02/2016 08:16

And if he wants to get her nothing, IsEat? Then she just puts up and shuts up? How very convenient that he doesn't "believe" in things that involve him making an effort to show appreciation of his wife.

Personally no could make me do Valentine's Day. It's pointless.

If she wants a fuss making and he doesn't want to. She needs to look at wether the marriage is going to work. Making him or demanding he does it won't make her feel better because she had to make him. He isn't choosing to do anything

neonrainbow · 16/02/2016 08:17

Hey op it might be worth reposting in relationships as it sounds like there are deeper problems and sometimes the posters over there are better at looking beneath the trivial issues to help unpick the bigger problems.

OhShutUpThomas · 16/02/2016 08:25

Honestly, I think a grown up asking for a particular Easter egg and telling him to go get it early is a bit strange. My DH would just laugh at me and vice versa.

BabyGanoush · 16/02/2016 08:32

Ohshutup, I agree, it is strange

OP you are a bit demanding, not that a choc egg is an expensive item, but demanding as in "I want that specific one! I want it now! I demand it!"

It is a demanding attitude

unlucky83 · 16/02/2016 08:33

Don't do Easter eggs for adults (DCs get 1 or 2 - and from activities usually), completely forgot it was Valentines day, Mother's day I'll get a homemade card from DCs , last year DD2 reminded me it was my birthday (homemade card and cake)
Some people really just don't care about these consumer driven things - and thankfully DP and I are more or less on the same page...about this at least.
He did used to buy a card etc for Valentine's day but has learned that actually it annoys me more than anything...
I'd rather get something he sees I want at a random time of year and do vice versa..than get given anything because he feels 'obliged' to get something.

Blacksquirrel · 16/02/2016 08:38

katenka
Mothering Sunday is usually around the 3rd Sunday in March so this year it is early

TheTigerIsOut · 16/02/2016 08:44

I'm sorry, but I think you are taking the joy of giving gifts by telling him what to buy, where to buy it and to do it soon. FGS is a fecking Easter egg, you won't die if he gets one that he wants.

You are buying your own presents? Good, but don't wipe his face with them. "I bought myself some cheap lilies from the discount supermarket" , honestly woman, next time no whining, say nothing and get yourself a nice expensive present from your favourite shop.

I know you say that you are tired of your needs being buried, but if you are so demanding and specific as your post suggest, no wonder people gets disheartened and let you to do it yourself.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 16/02/2016 08:45

I don't get that you just didn't buy the egg yourself. What's the point of demanding it from him?

The wedding is a red herring, you wanted it abroad to save money (despite slating him for being money saving) but presumably he wanted to do it here so people could come. Maybe he draws the line on money saving when it means guests have to pick up the cost. That would tie in with not wanting presents.

You sound very materialistic and he doesn't. Love isn't shown by a chocolate egg that's been demanded, it's shown every day in the little things that actually matter.

Katenka · 16/02/2016 08:47

Mothering Sunday is usually around the 3rd Sunday in March so this year it is early

thank you

FarrowandBallAche · 16/02/2016 08:49

Easter egg? How old are you!? 7?

You sound a bit demanding.

CherryBlossom321 · 16/02/2016 08:49

This sounds as though it's about much more than a desire for an Easter egg. What are you feeling so insecure about that is motivating your behaviour? We don't really do lots of these 'special' commercial celebrations, just birthdays and Christmas. Valentines was a normal day for us; he went to work after getting the children breakfast and giving me a brew and a kiss. In the evening after coming home he was helpful and loving and we spent time together once the children were in bed. What is missing in the relationship that makes you feel entitled to material gifts? Do you feel he loves you?

Mrsbird311 · 16/02/2016 08:51

YANBU he is a mean, selfish and unkind husband, he should want to make you happy, so what if he doesn't believe in Valentine's Day , you do, would it have killed him to buy you a card a gift, or take you out for dinner? As you say you're not having financial issues he could do this, I'm not into valentines at all but I know my husband is so I bought him a card and present!!
I would leave him on the sofa and tell him if he wants to stay married to you he needs to make you feel special and wanted

whaleshark · 16/02/2016 09:07

It concerns me that you said you have changed your ways for him, but he won't do the same for you. It sound like you are really not compatible, and both expected each other to change to be what was wanted. That is really not a good basis for a healthy relationship! I don't think it is unreasonable to want to be spoiled a bit.

Original poster

buildingafootieteam · 16/02/2016 09:14

Very mixed responses thank you for taking the time to reply. I didn't come across very well in the OP, when we were discussing the easter Egg thing I mentioned I had been in the shop and saw a specific egg. If he was considering getting me an egg (as I've already said it's a special time for us) that I would like that one but if not I would get it myself. I mentioned he'd need to get it early as it will probably sell out quickly (like it did last year when he went to buy it for me easter saturday) and to let me know as I would happily buy it for myself if he wasn't getting it. We were later discussing getting beds for our toddlers and discussing weekends. I said 'oh this weekend we have x party, next weekend is the football bonding sessions so you're gone, and the following weekend is mothers day'. I didn't ask for anything or say anything else (but letting him know incase he was thinking to get dc's to do pics etc) and he proceeded to tell me how demanding I am. The thing is I always sit on my 'demands' and if there is something I want I buy it myself. Unless it's christmas/birthday time when I ask for it specifically. Last year for my birthday I asked for new bedsheets (not demanding imo). The reason he is told in advance what to get is because he ask what do I want for my birthday etc. No imagination, no surprise.

Oh and the easter Egg is lindt

OP posts:

NNalreadyinuse · 16/02/2016 09:18

I think every woman should demand to be treated with care and thought within her relationship.

Unfortunately you appear to have married someone who is tight and tbinks his opinion is more valid than yours and you have bent to his will.

The time has come to stop that. Given that you have the income, you should spend as you see fit and stop going without in order to appease him.

Long term I think you have to reassess whether you want to remain with him. Tbh, you shouldn't have to remind a man to make an effort for things that matter to you and if you do, he is not a man worth keeping imo.

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