To ask how I put a stop to this

[Pleasehelpmeout1289]

NC as unsure if these details may out me. I apologise for the length of the post but wanted to give as much info as possible.

Basically DP & I have been together almost 10 years and have 3 DC together aged 6, 4 and 3 months.
Since I first found out I was pregnant with DC1 MIL has been extremely overbearing. She bought herself a cot, Pram, high chair etc for her house which at the time I worried about because I didn't want DC to sleep over but over time due to extremely high pressure from her and myself basically being a wimp he started to stay occasionally.

As time went on she would visit on a set day and time every week and stay for hours and then as we had DC 2 started taking them one day a weekend too. Of course I greatful for the help and I know alot of people would kill for free time and having someone looking after their child so they can have a break but this is slowly getting me really really down.

MIL appears as sweet as anything to most people, however she is constantly putting me down, criticising me, belittling my parenting etc. Underhand snide comments with a sweet smile that make me fume, about my weight or family etc, but mainly about my parenting. Things like telling me my middle child was too old for pull ups at night when he was 3, he was traumatised wetting the bed and bone dry in the day, my dr told me that night time toilet training comes naturally and couldn't be forced so keep him in pull-ups but this didn't stop her comments or not putting one on when he slept over then telling me he was dry all night when he and my eldest told me differently. Other things like taking them for haircuts without asking and telling me it didn't look nice when I took them to the barbers myself and that they should go to hers (within the poor kids earshot so they were shot down showing off their new hAircuts). That kind of thing.

What is getting to me is that this is now a regular thing. They are collected Saturday lunchtime and dropped back home Sunday lunchtime. My middle child sobbed his heart out yesterday saying he didn't want to sleep but despite me telling him he didn't have to if he didn't want to, she then proceeded to pretend to leave talking loudly about going to the park, so of course a 4 year old hears the word park and wants to go. He left crying with her saying if he wanted to go to the park he had to sleep. I couldn't collect him myself as she lives too far and I can't drive. I felt awful all night knowing he'd be upset but he willingly went so I couldn't tell him his brother was going and he wasn't (my oldest likes sleeping over).

If we want to take the children out we have to reschedule 'her day' and are
made to feel guilty for it. I just want to spend time with my own children without having to arrange it.
In the past when I have tried to stop a weekend with little notice Due to family emergencies etc I get text abuse by FIL that MIL is crying, upset and I've ruined her weekend etc. It's horrible the way I'm made to feel for cancelling and they are ruthless. That side of the family all hears about my 'crime' and I get a frosty attitude for months for upsetting her after 'all she does' (which I never ask for - she imposes these things).

I don't know what to do, so far I have not let her have my youngest but I can see she's itching to get her too. I don't want this all again with her, and I want the other two DC to stay less often but I know she's going to go mental and make our lives hell. I know I need to grow a backbone and speak up but I've let it go on for so many years I don't know how. I'm very intimidated by her, she isn't violent but she is toxic and very manipulative and I don't know where to start.

The kids enjoy going, the oldest loves sleeping over, I'm not going to stop it completely because I know they love her as much as she loves them but this is impacting hugely on our lives and I'm so stuck. Please help, where do I start? I was young and easily swayed at first and I regret letting it get to this point. Any advice? Please be gentle, I know this is my fault for not speaking up sooner and standing up for myself!

You need to put some boundaries in place and stick to them.

Just say this isn't working for us anymore, we need more time as a family and will let you know when they are next available for a sleepover. If they kick off let them, they sound nasty and tbh not the kind of people I would want around my kids!!

these things happen by stealth - OP do not feel this is your fault, you're dealing with it now

and i've lost count of the number of times people post about their concern where a mil spends a lot of time with children and they're told to count themselves lucky, that they.d love to have that level of support yada blah etc

Your dc spend far too much time at weekends away from you, they need to be a family together with you and your dh, which might take some getting used to. This is normal. Don't back down.

And don't agree to once a month- just say you haven't thought about it yet, maybe March. Block your Fil.

Your dp is behind you - and don't let them drop over and tell lies to your DC about the park only. And if your middle child doesn't want to go, they don't. Don't teach him you lie to him to make him stay at granny's.

You aren't ruining their relationship with the GP, on the contrary you are strengthening your own family dynamic and ensuring your DC all learn to live together at the weekend as a family. It is not normal to be shunted off to GP every weekend, IMO.

oh madamdeathstare has the perfect answer

I could never put my MILs feelings above my childrens. I wouldn't put anyone's before their actually. I feel sorry for the one crying.

Please grow a back bone against this woman and tell her they're no long going to stay every weekend but maybe once a month instead as you all want to have family weekends now.

It's sad you never have weekends as a family.

Decide what you are happy with and put it in a letter. Accept that she and the family will hate you. Emotionally detach. Give them a new phone number on a separate phone so you won't be plagued. Don't explain yourself too much as all you say could be twisted. At the end of the day, you don't have to be in her presence. You can completely protect yourself from her reactions, and the rest of the family. You don't live with them.

I think you're doing the right thing though. That is far too much contact time for someone who undermines your authority and is so shaming to your children.

I sympathize. No fucking way you should be grateful for this! She's brainwashing and guilt-tripping you.

It'll be tough to break it, but once you've made a crack to this sodding routine, it will get easier over time.

If you were strong enough you could just say it's you family time. It's your special time together as a family.

But if that's too hard (probably is), then can you arrange activities for Saturday / Sunday? Like football, or whatever it is they like doing... So that it's regular, every weekend. Then perhaps a meal out, or a cinema or bowling on Saturday evening, rendering the sleepover impossible and not very exciting (after all the treats) for the kids. Then you can plan swimming in the morning because it's good for kids development

I know it all sounds like a huge effort initially but you must make a crack. You won't have to do this for very long. The penny will eventually drop, and you can then do home cinema instead of cinema, and football with friends in the park instead of football lessons etc.

Midweek sleepovers disrupt kids routine, period. Kids can't concentrate in school after that, their teachers say!

I just find behaviour like this so creepy. You are the all-powerful keeper of the grandchildren OP - what you say, goes! Honestly, my relationship with my very controlling pil has improved so much since I had ds and they realised that if they behave unreasonably, they will not be invited over to see him.

My experience is this - if someone bad mouths you to others - then it's a reflection of them - not the person they speak of -

If you know she has form for this - then so will the listeners - They will know it's crap - they probably sympathise for effect rather than belief. - oh dear - yeah I know - blah -

I really would worry - I'd rather be bad mouthed than lose the kids every weekend -

The only thing to do is grow a pair and tell her how it is going to be. I've explained to my in laws that weekend is family time so I don't want a regular arrangement. We might see them some weekends but not every week or even at a regular interval as I like to mix it up. If she kicks and screams then tough luck. I'd also make sleepovers less regular and also in a Friday night so I still had most of the weekend with them. She can't call the shots, this is your life, your choices. Don't regret missing your children's childhood to indulge this oversized toddler

okay, as others say - you really don't have an 'easy ' way to deal with this - you have to stand up for your children.

you are their mum - and you need to protect them. Your little one is going off crying! Pull yourself together and be the one in charge!

I mean that kindly - I can see you have been bullied.

This is the beginning of new rules. ANd so what if you get horrible texts and her crying?

you need to STOP CARING! Do what is right for your family and accept she won't like it.

A lot of parents of adults with children really are arseholes. I have both extremes. My parents and passive aggressive, manipulative, controlling and we are now NC, whereas my wife's parents are absolutely fantastic, a pleasure to spend time with and totally considerate and appropriate.

Phone her now and cancel all future arrangements.

When she starts shouting or crying, put down the phone.

If she turns up on your doorstep don't let her in.

And tell her that if it doesn't stop, she will lose all access to her grandchildren.

What's the worst that could happen? (and the rest of the family siding with her doesn't matter. You don't need to see them either)

Oh, and your DH needs to grow a pair.

Sorry adelslostbeehuve but I don't think it is. As an adult if you want to allow someone to treat you like shit fair enough! But to stand by and watch ANY child, never mind your own, being bullied by a grown adult? I would hope that there were no circumstances on earth where a rational adult would allow that!

I've been through this and in the end we saw an opportunity and moved to get away from her. Not sure if this is an option for you but what I will say is that I put up with it for so long for "the sake of the children". Now we live away I realise that children have very short memories and whilst they may miss them at first they very quickly move on and become absorbed in their lives of the moment. I wouldn't bother playing games either - you need to say you're not happy with the arrangement and you're doing something else. There will be guilt tripping/nastiness but once it's done you can happily ignore-it didn't take us long to value the space more than the family company! It won't end there though, she'll try being over nice when she realises she hasn't got her own way. Totally understand how you got sucked in by trying to do the right thing by the way but the only way to stop this going on throughout all your lives is to say no.

Any joy?

If MIL is as toxic, insensitive manipulative and unreasonable as you say ( which on the facts she is) I would be stressed to hell if I had to interact with such a person).

Your DP shares your opinion so the fantastic news is that, as the parents, decisions about where your children sleep and how they spend their weekends are yours, and any obligation to a MIL/ FIL is moral not legal.

it is within your joint power to sort this out.

BUT it will likley be hellishly unpleasant to change things, so an utterly united front is needed from you and DP

I could just offer unconditional support, and say poor you. But usually there are two or multiple sides to a story plus OPs can only provide limited facts) so you might prefer ideas to help you step back and form a plan.

If MIL is 100% the villain here, DP is aiding & abetting her.

Am baffled your DP has been so passive re MIL if he knows how you feel and your distress about MIL. He is at work M-F and misses out even more than you do if the kids regularly spend half of their weekends with her.

Plus while it is sensible that MIL makes arrangements via you as the SAHM mum (sounds like he works f/t) and someone she sees in the week OP is WITH you when MIL descends to collect them of a weekend? So he could provide back up eg if you decide on the day one DC doesn't want to go.

As a grown adult you had the option to tackle her directly, rather than via DP, and haven't.

But MIL is DPs parent, not your parent. He has got to agree that he won't dodge the emotional blackmail MIL and FIL are likely to apply and will in fact actively now put himself between you and MIL if you want that. He has primary responsibility to tackle her, not you.

It's a shame Relate don't offer counselling services for couples and MIL/ FIL's. Has one of you, or together, actually sat down with MIL/ FIL - neutral place, or at least kids not around - and tried to explain tactfully but very very directly and clearly how and why you want MIL / FIL behaviour to change?

• lovely that you take such an interest in your grandchildren
• thanks for help over the years, it can be tiring having kids, juggling etc, etc so nice to have downtime every so often ( thanks also if MIl/FIL spend money on grandkids)
• however, as parents we feel our own family time is really precious and weekends are the quality time we get with the kids, the oldest is starting to have their own social life ( birthday parties, sports maybe)
• so, sorry but this weekend arrangement with you has to stop/ be limited to X
• we know you'll be upset, but we know you love us and if you remember back to being parents yourselves will respect family time ( parent/ child) is precious etc
• doesn't mean we don't love and appreciate you, the grandchildren have a great bond with you and that's not going to be lost but if things continue as they are you are - unwittingly putting a strain on our marriage and causing us unhappiness and the kids too have their own requirements and we have to put those first
• sorry if this is out of the blue, difficult topic but we have to speak up
• know it's a shock but do tell us how you're feeling etc

Listen to their arguments/ reply ( are they lonely, not busy no hobbies?. Did they realise the impact on OP/ DP family life)

If that doesn't work, DP can - privately - point out to MIL/FIL that if his marriage isn't happy and and OP left him MIL would see very little of the grandchildren. So it is in her interest to keep OP sweet!

Try polite, try some 'emotional blackmail tactics', but if all else fails you'll have to bulldoze and just do what you want ( like filling up your weekends with activity that excludes MIL).

OP -do you have parents? No mention of them.