To ask how I put a stop to this

[Pleasehelpmeout1289]

NC as unsure if these details may out me. I apologise for the length of the post but wanted to give as much info as possible.

Basically DP & I have been together almost 10 years and have 3 DC together aged 6, 4 and 3 months.
Since I first found out I was pregnant with DC1 MIL has been extremely overbearing. She bought herself a cot, Pram, high chair etc for her house which at the time I worried about because I didn't want DC to sleep over but over time due to extremely high pressure from her and myself basically being a wimp he started to stay occasionally.

As time went on she would visit on a set day and time every week and stay for hours and then as we had DC 2 started taking them one day a weekend too. Of course I greatful for the help and I know alot of people would kill for free time and having someone looking after their child so they can have a break but this is slowly getting me really really down.

MIL appears as sweet as anything to most people, however she is constantly putting me down, criticising me, belittling my parenting etc. Underhand snide comments with a sweet smile that make me fume, about my weight or family etc, but mainly about my parenting. Things like telling me my middle child was too old for pull ups at night when he was 3, he was traumatised wetting the bed and bone dry in the day, my dr told me that night time toilet training comes naturally and couldn't be forced so keep him in pull-ups but this didn't stop her comments or not putting one on when he slept over then telling me he was dry all night when he and my eldest told me differently. Other things like taking them for haircuts without asking and telling me it didn't look nice when I took them to the barbers myself and that they should go to hers (within the poor kids earshot so they were shot down showing off their new hAircuts). That kind of thing.

What is getting to me is that this is now a regular thing. They are collected Saturday lunchtime and dropped back home Sunday lunchtime. My middle child sobbed his heart out yesterday saying he didn't want to sleep but despite me telling him he didn't have to if he didn't want to, she then proceeded to pretend to leave talking loudly about going to the park, so of course a 4 year old hears the word park and wants to go. He left crying with her saying if he wanted to go to the park he had to sleep. I couldn't collect him myself as she lives too far and I can't drive. I felt awful all night knowing he'd be upset but he willingly went so I couldn't tell him his brother was going and he wasn't (my oldest likes sleeping over).

If we want to take the children out we have to reschedule 'her day' and are
made to feel guilty for it. I just want to spend time with my own children without having to arrange it.
In the past when I have tried to stop a weekend with little notice Due to family emergencies etc I get text abuse by FIL that MIL is crying, upset and I've ruined her weekend etc. It's horrible the way I'm made to feel for cancelling and they are ruthless. That side of the family all hears about my 'crime' and I get a frosty attitude for months for upsetting her after 'all she does' (which I never ask for - she imposes these things).

I don't know what to do, so far I have not let her have my youngest but I can see she's itching to get her too. I don't want this all again with her, and I want the other two DC to stay less often but I know she's going to go mental and make our lives hell. I know I need to grow a backbone and speak up but I've let it go on for so many years I don't know how. I'm very intimidated by her, she isn't violent but she is toxic and very manipulative and I don't know where to start.

The kids enjoy going, the oldest loves sleeping over, I'm not going to stop it completely because I know they love her as much as she loves them but this is impacting hugely on our lives and I'm so stuck. Please help, where do I start? I was young and easily swayed at first and I regret letting it get to this point. Any advice? Please be gentle, I know this is my fault for not speaking up sooner and standing up for myself!

Your DP is using you as a buffer. You say he's not prepared to take her crap, but clearly it's ok for you to have to take it ?

He needs to sort things out for you, and for you as a family. If he doesn't get on with her you're hardly jeopardising their relationship, are you ? Your FIL sounds as bad as your MIL with his abusive texts. He's probably worn down by her and takes it out on you to make his life easier.

You wouldn't accept this behaviour from a friend, don't accept it from your partner's family. Your life, your children, your right to chose. Let her scream, shout, make nasty comments. You hold all the cards - your children and your relationship with her son.

I doubt you'll be able to have an adult conversation with her so just start changing things. Let your partner make the calls/visits/texts to say what's happening. The situation may have arisen but there's nothing to say you can't change it. What's the worst she can do ?

Just cut her off. She sounds like a horrible person. Sounds like your DP will support you.

Emigrate. I'm not joking. Or at least move as far away as you can. She is always going to be a problem.

You'll get slated either way - so do it your way -

You can be a parrot - no sorry doesn't work -

All communication should be "WE" not I ... we are taking the children out - we want quality time -

Be out lots and ignore -

If FIL is abusive tell him - I'm sorry she's upset - but so am I.

Why are you so worried about upsetting her?

Blimey she sounds dreadful!

Agree with PPs you have to just bite the bullet & put your foot down. Do not let her manipulate you into changing the day etc etc. Try not to argue - just keep repeating "no, that's not convenient", "sorry, we can't manage that" & so on. Appear calm at all times even though you'll be screaming inside

Dear MIL and FIL,

We are really grateful for all the help you have given us over the years with the children, but now that they are getting older, we would like to spend more time doing things together at the weekends, so they won't be able to come over to yours every week as before.

Repeat until they get the message.

Don't weaken!

Oh Christ if your DP is on side what are you waiting for? Change the locks, change your phone number...
My experience with people like this is that they force you to be rude as they are just not interested in taking no for an answer. My advice would be to cancel by text and then go out and do something with the kids on the weekend. She's skilled at getting her own way, your MIL - the best way to win is just not to play her games.

Don't forget - you hold all the Aces - she has nothing - she gets nothing unless she behaves and is pleasant -

Best advise is if something happens say MIL bitched about you - how would would you react if it was a "friend"

Would you be happy to hand your kids over? No?

So ask yourself - how would I react if Katie did this??

Puts it in perspective - being a MIL doesn't trump favours because she's "family"

So you never get a full day with your school-age DC? She's appalling. How are you and the DC ever supposed to build memories together. Sleepover once a month is absolutely plenty.

As Clobbered said.
Then when she suggests stuff, "that doesn't work for us" with an "I'm sorry" if you're feeling generous. Don't engage with the emotional blackmail.
Your DH has little relationship with her for a reason. Don't be guilt tripped into letting her do to your kids what she's done to their dad.

From this weekend make a change. Plan something with your children and partner, block any abusive messages and get on with your family life.
You're being emotionally abused by this psycho and in years to come you'll look back and wonder why you didn't do anything sooner.
It stops now if you make that decision.

Wow, how you've put up with this so far I'll never know. Take a stand, they are your children. If they make plans a breezy "no, that doesn't work for us, we're busy". Do not engage with the manipulation. You and dp have all the control but have been guilt tripped into giving it to them, take it back. Yes to definitely pulling her up on the bitchyness.

She is actually stealing your children's childhoods from you.
If you DH isn't keen on her, you're sorted. Just put your foot down. Who cares if FIL and the rest of them get the arse with you? You don't actually have to see or spend any time with these people.
She'll come round to your way of doing things. She won't have a choice if she wants to see her grandchildren.

Agree with DP what you want. Once a month but not staying over? Or once a month and staying over every other month?

Once you have clear in your mind what you want, get him to state it together.

"please and I have been reviewing the fact that we don't see the children enough as a family at weekends. We've decided to change it so that you can have them once a month instead, if you would like. During the week doesn't work for us, no. The set up will be once per month, and we can organise which weekend in advance so it's clear."

"Listen, you're sounding a bit upset, give me a call back if you have a weekend in mind for March. Ok, bye for now."

Yes you have to grow a pair of tits and woman up. I would go totally NC with her, she sounds utterly toxic. I personally would delete and block her number and not answer when she calls for them. This needs to stop. She is poison, she really is!

This week go out with the family, and sod her and her silly abuse, she is an adult not 5!

Just tell her it's once a month from now on.

stay firm.

My Dad is similar. Live a distance apart but he set in place his plan that we should all (Dad DM DH Me DC) spend every second weekend together - since DC born - staying at ours or theirs. Prevented us ever really settling into home and family weekends as 50% were all about him and his fantasy family world. We had to break out of it - it didn't go well.

We are now not speaking to DDad because he won't consider our needs (we'd suggested meeting less often and for days out rather than always decamping for a weekend) and life is quieter and easier but of course DC upset and missing him. I am demoralised and upset and missing (reasonable) time with my extended family but resigned to it.

Dad meanwhile is making threats about the disinheriting us.

All I am saying is be prepared to find out MIL is an all her way or nothing situation also.

Given the all his way or nothing option with Dad we have settled on nothing for the time being.

This sounds intolerable.

You need to grow a backbone and stand up to this woman, otherwise she will control you for years to come.

I simply would not care about the repercussions. Take control back and put your children first.

I can't believe you let her have them when you don't want them to go. Just say you've got plans and don't let her bully you. Your partner's clearly on your side. You have to stand up for yourself. I wouldn't have someone in the house who insulted me, either.

She's a bully. Never give in to bullies.

You know your little boy was upset as didn't want to sleep but allowed your MIL to manipulate your son. I get it is hard but let it all go now. You've let this happen but you don't have to let it happen again.

Your DH needs to ring her today and say mother, you have had the children every weekend for X amount of time. You have ignored 1289's wishes, the children are wanting to spend more time at home so from this weekend they are staying here.. If they start their crap again, hang up.

Can you imagine if anyone else apart from a grandparent arrived every weekend to take your children? It would be unfathomable.

It's perfect really that DP doesn't get on with her. Makes the whole thing easier because he won't care as much if relations are strained presumably.

I would loose the whole family before I stood for this. She sounds like a bully.
I have a child with someone who's own gm was like her, she actually ended up raising him and he's brother, he believes he's mother left them for her convenience. I used to think it was sweet of her to step in when ds's father's mother couldn't for some reason, now I see that she tries the same with my child, she is a self appointed matriarch not a hero.
I was very clear with him that me, him and he's fucking grandmother didn't all have a child together, no child needs 3 homes and 3 parents. He couldn't not agree because it's just stating facts she can see herself as being as important as she likes, but in the end she is not he's parent.

It's a help that you don't have DP demanding you carry on with the arrangement. She has more to lose than you and really, if you put a new set of rules in place, what the heck can she actually do about it? They're your kids and you call the shots.

If you want this to stop then I agree, work out together with DP what you want (if that's nothing, then that's fair enough.) and then as hard as it is, tell them (make sure the DC aren't with you as the shit will no doubt fly). If there is any foul language, emotional blackmail or general hysterics, you don't have to stay and listen. Tell them this is how it's going to be and you will speak to them when they've calmed down.

This is your precious family and you have every right to spend time with them as and when you choose and not have your children with their grandparents each weekend.

I'd block FILs number. Abusive texts are not acceptable and you don't have to receive them.

If you do it, you'll dread it beforehand but will be so much happier and freer afterwards that it will feel worth the upheaval.