To ask how I put a stop to this

[Pleasehelpmeout1289]

NC as unsure if these details may out me. I apologise for the length of the post but wanted to give as much info as possible.

Basically DP & I have been together almost 10 years and have 3 DC together aged 6, 4 and 3 months.
Since I first found out I was pregnant with DC1 MIL has been extremely overbearing. She bought herself a cot, Pram, high chair etc for her house which at the time I worried about because I didn't want DC to sleep over but over time due to extremely high pressure from her and myself basically being a wimp he started to stay occasionally.

As time went on she would visit on a set day and time every week and stay for hours and then as we had DC 2 started taking them one day a weekend too. Of course I greatful for the help and I know alot of people would kill for free time and having someone looking after their child so they can have a break but this is slowly getting me really really down.

MIL appears as sweet as anything to most people, however she is constantly putting me down, criticising me, belittling my parenting etc. Underhand snide comments with a sweet smile that make me fume, about my weight or family etc, but mainly about my parenting. Things like telling me my middle child was too old for pull ups at night when he was 3, he was traumatised wetting the bed and bone dry in the day, my dr told me that night time toilet training comes naturally and couldn't be forced so keep him in pull-ups but this didn't stop her comments or not putting one on when he slept over then telling me he was dry all night when he and my eldest told me differently. Other things like taking them for haircuts without asking and telling me it didn't look nice when I took them to the barbers myself and that they should go to hers (within the poor kids earshot so they were shot down showing off their new hAircuts). That kind of thing.

What is getting to me is that this is now a regular thing. They are collected Saturday lunchtime and dropped back home Sunday lunchtime. My middle child sobbed his heart out yesterday saying he didn't want to sleep but despite me telling him he didn't have to if he didn't want to, she then proceeded to pretend to leave talking loudly about going to the park, so of course a 4 year old hears the word park and wants to go. He left crying with her saying if he wanted to go to the park he had to sleep. I couldn't collect him myself as she lives too far and I can't drive. I felt awful all night knowing he'd be upset but he willingly went so I couldn't tell him his brother was going and he wasn't (my oldest likes sleeping over).

If we want to take the children out we have to reschedule 'her day' and are
made to feel guilty for it. I just want to spend time with my own children without having to arrange it.
In the past when I have tried to stop a weekend with little notice Due to family emergencies etc I get text abuse by FIL that MIL is crying, upset and I've ruined her weekend etc. It's horrible the way I'm made to feel for cancelling and they are ruthless. That side of the family all hears about my 'crime' and I get a frosty attitude for months for upsetting her after 'all she does' (which I never ask for - she imposes these things).

I don't know what to do, so far I have not let her have my youngest but I can see she's itching to get her too. I don't want this all again with her, and I want the other two DC to stay less often but I know she's going to go mental and make our lives hell. I know I need to grow a backbone and speak up but I've let it go on for so many years I don't know how. I'm very intimidated by her, she isn't violent but she is toxic and very manipulative and I don't know where to start.

The kids enjoy going, the oldest loves sleeping over, I'm not going to stop it completely because I know they love her as much as she loves them but this is impacting hugely on our lives and I'm so stuck. Please help, where do I start? I was young and easily swayed at first and I regret letting it get to this point. Any advice? Please be gentle, I know this is my fault for not speaking up sooner and standing up for myself!

Agree with PP - get DH to tell her it's stopping as it no longer suits you. You don't have to elaborate. Let him deal with the fall out - it sounds like he can handle her far better than you, which is why she avoids involving him.

EVERY WEEKEND? When do you have family time, your children's home and place is with you. She can visit but the weekend overnight stuff stops now. I would have her told either she accepts this not doesn't see them at all. YOUR children not HERS and if full kicks off hang up on him.

Where on earth does your FIL get the right to send you nasty texts?

YANBU. But you are going to have to weather the storm and then give a little IF AND WHEN they can show that they will behave themselves.

Family help and support is invaluable (I imagine, we dont have any) but it has to be just that - help and support. There is no way I'd want my 6 year old disappearing for 24 hours a week.

I can see how this situation has arisen and I can imagine how your MiL will present your changing the current situation to others but your children aren't her reward.
They are your kids.

Talk to your DH, decide what works best for you as a family - be it once a month, whatever and then stick to it. And ignore any flack coming your way. You dont deserve any.

You have the upper hand. You are the children's mother!
Allow them to stay occasionally (if they want to AND if you want them to) but tell her you intend to do more things as a family at the weekends.
If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Tough! As long as you are polite at the same time as being VERY firm, no one can criticise you for wanting you wanting to spend time with your children! It sounds like your DP had her sussed a long time ago and will support you.
Only allowing a child to go to the park if he stays is pretty despicable, very manipulative and an unfair demand to make of such a young child... I personally wouldn't want the children to spend extended periods there without me if I were in your shoes.
Be strong: tell her you appreciate she enjoys having the children but they are your children and sometimes it's not convenient for her to have them for whole days. Put your foot down or expect things to get worse.

OP - please stand firm - this woman is toxic.....

I am a MiL too......

I am a MIL and a granny and I can say quite categorically that this is outrageous behaviour and is not done from love but from a need to dominate. Stop her now - it won't be easy but you'll have to be tough and you need to get your DH to help in this too. United front and don't be guilt tripped by either of them.

The positive in that your DP is on your side. The tough part is that no matter what you do or how nicely you phrase it, your MIL is likely to be a nightmare unless you are giving in to her every demand.

Whilst this makes it less than pleasant it also makes it all the more important that you stop this now as your children are in no way benefitting from spending so much time with someone so poisonous.

You don't owe her anything and you hold all the cards. You and your DP are the parents, not your MIL. You decide what is right for your DC.

Thank you so much all of you. I am taking your advice, going to make some plans for the coming weeks for things to do with the children and if she kicks off then I will get DP to back me up. I really need this to stop.

Plan something incredibly fun for the coming weekend. Something really great, that the kids will be excited about. And the next couple of weekends too. Book it if it's book able.

Then just do it. Let MIL know by text.
Rehearse with partner the most likely scenarios for tantrums and rehearse your replies. Keep it short, breezy and adopt an air of slightly puzzled embarrassed-for-you-behaving-like-this.

Then go and do your fun things.

There is no way through this without tears. But... If you don't face this, your children will.

You don't want the kids to go. They don't want to go. You are their mother - act like it. Just say no! How have you let it get to this stage?

Mum trumps Gran!

Good for you! You don't want to look back and thing of all the wonderful opportunities you might have had to spend quality time with your children (as others here have said: it's building memories...money can't buy that!) and lament the fact your MIL has what should be yours!

*think

Jeez OP your MiL is AWFUL. You know though, that you've got to man up. I know how awful it is with immature, spoilt passive aggressives so accept you will not be able to please her ever and try and accept that. A few hints:

To MIL:

MIL you know DH is at work all week. Weekends are the only time we get together. Your insisting that DCs stay with you all weekend means we don't get any family time. They will only be able to stay once a month at the weekend from now on.

When she throws a fit:

I know you love theDCs and they love you but your visits can't come first over and above ours as parents. And that's what you're asking for.

When FIL phones up To shout because she's crying:

MIl is a grown woman and could phone me herself and have an adult conversation about this. I won't be guilt tripped for being perfectly reasonable and won't back down for dramatics. Our family time is important and we're not currently getting any.

Stay strong!!

You've allowed this to happen, so stopping it isn't going to be pretty but it is definitely necessary. YOU are the parent, not her. And she is acting like she's the parent and her wants trump yours.

You and your husband need to stand united and tell her the sleepovers are going to be cut back to () per month, or whatever, and stand by it. You need more time as a family unit, you can say, and weekends are the only time you can really have that. Stand firm, stand firm, stand firm.

And if she's starts badmouthing you to your face or behind your back, call her on it. Especially if she's saying things to your children. Tell her that will impact the amount of time she gets to spend unsupervised with them if she's badmouthing their parents., i.e., you.

Once a month is plenty! I think there needs to be lots of fictional party invites/activities planned to start with and then tell her that you have decided this set up suits you as a family as this is your quality time. She has no right to make demands and expect you to hand over your children so she can play house. I bet she wouldn't have stood for this when you dh was a child!

Jeez, grow a pair and say no.

Casual observer has it, it's already been decided and is now a monthly arrangement. Dp and you have decided you want to do some nice weekend activities and so current arrangement no longer works. Tell dc what you're going to be doing that weekend so they are excited to be doing that instead of being with mil and if you know she'll refuse because of dp situation feel generous, invite her along to said activity from time to time. Do not put up with her white any longer.

Just text her that you have a lot of family activities for the next few weeks and you'll let her know when you can get together with her so that she can see the DC's - then switch off your phone !

I understand that your MIL is controlling and manipulative but I cannot get over the fact that you let your 4year old cry over sleeping over and you STILL let her take him!
SERIOUSLY?? What exactly has to happen before you stand up for your children? Why couldn't you insist that she brought him home after the park? Or why could your DH not go and pick the child up?
I sincerely hope you are a troll!

God I could have written this OP! Although with just one baby, and unfortunately while DP acknowledges his mum is 'Difficult' he tends to just try and keep her happy. Which resulted in our Christmas being ruined by her maneuvering us into spending the almost the whole break with her. DP gets the guilts because she's on her own, and if we break rank and don't do what she asks then SiL and MiL gang up on DP and it's really quite awful. They were never like this before I was pregnant! She also bought all the furniture etc in her house too, I've got no intention of letting my 9 month old stay over there for a LONG while yet.
I'm into the last few weeks of my Mat leave and I've openly said that I'd prefer to spend the time with my little boy before I go back to work, so not taking him over to see her twice a week like I've been doing most of the year, and I've had all manner of grief from the pair of them. It's shitty having to say no, but it's shittier that you're being made to feel this way, and at least your partner is on side when you do make your stand.

Mickysminnie that's unfair and far too simplistic.

Ok, this is a mess but it can be resolved. The problem here is not you or your DP but her. I think you know what she is... a terrible bully. A coward too because when she doesn't get her way she stamps her feet and cries. Worse then a spoilt child. I would not let her have her way anymore for a million reasons, all of which you have listed above. Nothing says 'love' to me about this situation. It says power. And remember this, soon enough her grandchildren will displease her. Someday they won't quite be good enough or clever enough or handsome/pretty enough. Maybe not now but when they are older there will be comments whispered behind doors or a light little mocks and verbal knocks. I think you know this already.

Also, I think it's a possibility that while you think the rest of the family adore her they do not. Other family members will also find her toxic and hard work. They just don't say it or do anything about it. She is a very good actress by all accounts. She wants her way. Don't give it to her. What you need is courage...and I think, reading though the posts that you can do this. Your DP sounds like he needs this too. Best of luck x

Can we stop saying 'how did you let this happen?' I don't think anyone who hasn't had to deal with a family member like this will understand but it's like saying 'how did you let your partner abuse you'. Things start slowly and even make sense at the time, and gradually the situation worsens but you've agreed to it so you can't back out. Manipulative people are awful to deal with at work or in family situations and it's not easy to know when to say stop until harm has been done.

In this case, the children are probably more or less oblivious to any tension and won't have been injured. But I do think enough is enough and you must not go against your instincts as a mother and let her dictate her terms. If you didn't ask her to take them every weekend, you have nothing to feel guilty about - and if you did ask, then it's fine to say that your situation has changed and you need them around at weekends now. Be pleasant; keep saying no. Feel no guilt.

I think you should be honest as well that your child crying not wanting to go was the straw that broke the camel's back, that you are sticking up for your child so she knows her behaviour towards them is in question, that you can see manipulation when it is under your nose and that her happiness is not as important to you as your child's.
You didn't feel able to stick up for yourself, but you will stick up for your child.