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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I was in the wrong but blooming heck! (half term related)

101 replies

Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 14:42

Firstly I'll start off by saying I was in the wrong. Get it out there from the get go.

I was queuing in a coffee shop and there was a woman in front with what I thought was three children, they all seemed to talking to each other. Woman puts in order and moves away to collect it. Woman at the till looks at me and I give her what I want to buy and hand her the cash. As I'm getting the change a man comes up annoyed and says 'my daughter was in front of you' ( child who must have been about 12 had moved away by this point). I look around say (really nicely) I'm so sorry I thought she was with the lady in front' I collect my change and go over and speak to them (they are literally sat right by the till). I say to the girl and her father I'm really sorry I thought you were with the lady in front. Why don't you go now there's no one there. Dad is placated and wind is out of his sails and joins in saying why don't you go now. We are both being nice and encouraging.

The girl (I kid you not) is sat there arms folded, lip out, refusing to speak, proper tantrum posture. Think Veronica Salt.

Aibu to think that 12ish is a bit old for this sort of behaviour? I was wrong I apologised but clearly it wasn't enough for this kid!

There's no way she was younger than this, she might have been older in fact.

I actually walked away feeling a bit baffled. I'm sure my parents would not have allowed me to sulk like that at that age. My friend's children who are the same age don't behave like that. Have I been leading a sheltered life???

Such a small incident but got me thinking!

OP posts:

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 15/02/2016 16:31

because now she has to listen to the dad complain about the lack of iced bun AND now has to stop off at the local bakery on the way home to try and locate another iced bun or there will be TROUBLE!

Oh, ridiculous extrapolations, can I add...

And only earlier on in the day she had offered to make iced bun but the Dad had said "no, you'll make a rubbish bun, I only like coffee shop buns", so she said, "if I buy a bun from the coffee shop and then I also make one at home, will you support my dream to be the best bun baker in the world" and the Dad said "yes". But then the OP came along and queue jumped and bought the last bun. So, now she is sulking because now she must become a tax accountant, like her divorced Dad.

Can you tell that I'm bored?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 15/02/2016 16:33

Clearly the buns would be compared in a Pepsi challenge type event... This is why mu kids don't like my bedtime stories, I miss out important bits.

lougle · 15/02/2016 16:35

Some children genuinely feel hurt when they're overlooked. DD1 (SN) would say 'excuse me, can I have drink?' It wouldn't occur to her that she'd been queue jumped - she'd be happy as Larry and oblivious. DD2 would be puzzled and may need a prompt of what to do next but her inner reaction would be 'odd....didn't the lady see me? Oh well....' DD3 is one of life's deep thinkers and would feel injustice. To be fair, she'd be feeling injustice if she witnessed the other girl being queue jumped -she's just sensitive to the rules of life.

I hope they'd all have the grace to accept your apology though.

Dawndonnaagain · 15/02/2016 16:36

Well my gut feeling was divorced dad. He had that look about him.
Alternatively dad who'd taken his daughter out to teach her social skills and praying she doesn't have a meltdown because things went awry.
I have three children with an ASC and none of them would have coped with this at that age. One of my 19 year olds still cannot speak to strangers so would have behaved in exactly the same manner.

Original poster

Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 16:38

Oh Kondos now I feel really bad....

OP posts:

CheesyWeez · 15/02/2016 16:38

Well this thread went a bit off the point but in my experience if a child does say "Excuse me I was next" everyone falls over themselves to say "Of yes of course I'm so sorry, we didn't realize etc. Please go ahead / can I help you?"
Works like a charm and the child feels great.

The girl should have said something. Both the cashier and the OP thought the OP was next.

I have to say it sometimes as I'm a short person and people assume I'm with someone else especially in "manly" situations such as in a garage or a DIY shop.

toffeeboffin · 15/02/2016 16:44

She seems precious. And an easy mistake to make OP.

Why did the Dad bother saying anything to you anyway? Especially if there was no-one behind you?

If that would have happened to me I would have been mortified when I was that age! There is no way I'd have pouted - I'd have said 'Oh, it's OK!' blushed and have been mega annoyed at Dad for mentioning it!

Ginslinger · 15/02/2016 16:46

I agree with cheesyweez -

Narp · 15/02/2016 16:46

'I actually walked away feeling a bit baffled. I'm sure my parents would not have allowed me to sulk like that at that age. My friend's children who are the same age don't behave like that. Have I been leading a sheltered life???'

I didn't say so. You said so, OP. In your first post

toffeeboffin · 15/02/2016 16:47

I'm sorry but if you can predict that your child will react in a certain way then don't send them to buy in the first place, no?

diddl · 15/02/2016 16:48

Of course the girl should have said something.

But who knows why she didn't?

Shy?

Fed up of waiting?

As an adult I've said nothing & walked away justdue to being pissed off at not being noticed.

Narp · 15/02/2016 16:50

I agree diddl

And she's 12. Some adults can't assert themselves. She's learning. Maybe she was kicking herself about it when she got back to the table and (because she's 12) it came out as a sulk.

Original poster

Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 16:55

Thanks for all your feedback. Food for thought (including the iced buns ).

I'm out.

OP posts:

LeaLeander · 15/02/2016 17:07

You were not in the wrong, OP. You aren't a mind-reader.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/02/2016 17:26

Where did I say you needed to ask permission? it just seems like a really minor incident and not even worthy of a second thought, let alone a post. I thought a 12YOs default expression was "sulk" so I wouldn't have given it much thought

Dawndonnaagain · 15/02/2016 17:45

I'm sorry but if you can predict that your child will react in a certain way then don't send them to buy in the first place, no?
Yes you do, and you keep doing it but you are there to support if things don't go as well or as you hope they will. How else do they learn independent living skills, the things that many, many people take for granted every single day.

lougle · 15/02/2016 17:47

Of course you do toffee. Skills are taught and practiced.

TJEckleburg · 15/02/2016 18:05

And then - i don;t think anyone was in the wrong here. I assume you don;t yet have teenagers though, as it's entirely normal for them to go through a stage of being horribly anxious about stuff like this. My gorgeous nearly 14 year old would happily order her own meals in a restaurant and chat to any adult from toddlerhood until she was about 11, and then was struck with the most crippling social anxiety - suddenly simple things like paying in a shop or ordering food became impossible to her, and I could feel see her behaving like this girl did in similar circumstances. And I wouldn't have done anything to "help" her whilst out in public, because any reaction on my part would have simply mortified her more. I (and dh) did work with her lots in private to talk about what had happened when things had been awkward for her, and continued to encourage her to continue to talk to strangers, and practice what she was going to do beforehand. And after a few months, she got over it, and is now beck to being delightful, confident teenager who isn't fazed by any situation. If I'd have told her off as you seem to have expected the father to do I'm sure it would have taken significantly longer for her to do so.

Jux · 15/02/2016 18:34

My dd is 16 now, but when she was that sort of ate, she would have had to have really psyched herself up to queue on her own and ask for what she wanted. She would have been mentally practising what to say and what to do. It would have been quite stressful.

Then it all goes tits up

She has no idea what to do now, what is the etiquette, it wasn't part of her prep or plan. She has gone back to dad having failed. She is embarrassed and upset. She wants to cry because she was all full of adrenaline and there's nowhere for it to go.

I hasten to add, NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

The poor girl had no idea what to do. Her mind is filled with failure. She didn't manage the queue by herself, she didn't manage to order or pay for herself, she didn't get the things she wanted. In public. People noticed. People spoke to her about it, ensuring that her public humiliation is complete.

That might explain why she was sulking and obstinate. She probably just wanted to get out of there and for it never to be referred to again.

PerspicaciaTick · 15/02/2016 18:43

Jux - you put that beautifully. It brought back some of my teenage "oh god let me disappear through the floor" moments with horrible clarity.

Narp · 15/02/2016 18:57

Jux

Totally agree. That was me at that age.

seriouslynoidea · 16/02/2016 10:19

I agree cashier at qu ally to blame, I feel sorry for the dad, God how embarrassing to have yr dd behave like that, if it was me the time would have expanded in my brain whilst I worked out the pros and cons of pulling dd up on sulk, the anticipated tantrum or downright rude behaviour in public as against not encouraging spoils brat behaviour. Confrontation or cover up? No need for you to worry tho, just walk away as gracefully as you dealt with it.

Saramel · 16/02/2016 12:09

I'd like to think my kids would have behaved more politely in that situation but at that age, they are a mass of whirling hormones so who knows. If you'd caught her on another day, she might have been sweeter than light. I always try to take into account kids when in the queue but we all make mistakes. At least her father acted with decorum when you apologised and that is the best lesson for that child.

MilkRunningOutAgain · 16/02/2016 15:32

My son behaved much the same recently as the OP's girl, my DS is 13. I do find it embarrassing. DS is hopeless at social interaction, I did talk to him about it on the way home and we ended up having a row about it. Yes, he was definitely mortified. I am not sure how to help him stop behaving like this in public, it worries me that he is 13 and showing no signs of stopping. To the OP who says she wouldn't let her DCs behave like this, how do you stop them? My DD is 9 and has no trouble with this type of interaction, she would smile and charm the OP and the coffee shop assistant and likely worm her way to the front of the queue with everyone smiling indulgently at her. I've brought them up the same. I wish I knew how to help DS, but so far I haven't had much success.

pamhill64 · 16/02/2016 15:42

My daughters 13, she tantrums/strops anywhere- hood up, what we call her "slapped backside" face, arms crossed etc. Sometimes she even stamps her feet or flounces off! Too old? Definitely. Oh and she's on the Autistic Spectrum too.
She attends mainstream school and is more than capable of queuing and buying things; in fact we encourage her to do these normal activities in a supported manner. Not all disabilities are visible and evident I'm afraid.

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