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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was in the wrong but blooming heck! (half term related)

101 replies

Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 14:42

Firstly I'll start off by saying I was in the wrong. Get it out there from the get go.

I was queuing in a coffee shop and there was a woman in front with what I thought was three children, they all seemed to talking to each other. Woman puts in order and moves away to collect it. Woman at the till looks at me and I give her what I want to buy and hand her the cash. As I'm getting the change a man comes up annoyed and says 'my daughter was in front of you' ( child who must have been about 12 had moved away by this point). I look around say (really nicely) I'm so sorry I thought she was with the lady in front' I collect my change and go over and speak to them (they are literally sat right by the till). I say to the girl and her father I'm really sorry I thought you were with the lady in front. Why don't you go now there's no one there. Dad is placated and wind is out of his sails and joins in saying why don't you go now. We are both being nice and encouraging.

The girl (I kid you not) is sat there arms folded, lip out, refusing to speak, proper tantrum posture. Think Veronica Salt.

Aibu to think that 12ish is a bit old for this sort of behaviour? I was wrong I apologised but clearly it wasn't enough for this kid!

There's no way she was younger than this, she might have been older in fact.

I actually walked away feeling a bit baffled. I'm sure my parents would not have allowed me to sulk like that at that age. My friend's children who are the same age don't behave like that. Have I been leading a sheltered life???

Such a small incident but got me thinking!

OP posts:
Narp · 15/02/2016 15:42

The girl's mood was probably nothing to do with you. I wouldn't dwell on it. You did the right thing but there's no point 9and it's not kind, IMO) to go on about a 12 year old girl. She just sulked; she wasn't rude to you

Narp · 15/02/2016 15:43

And OP

I would be staggered if you or your friend's children never ever ever behaved like that

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 15/02/2016 15:44

Hold on, teenagers can sulk for irrational reasons? Who'd have thought it?

Samcro · 15/02/2016 15:44

so the dad points out that the op queue jumped (by accident)
and the op and dad harassed girl with "why don't you go now"
and the poor girl is called names by op because she quite rightly stropped.
I would have blanked you op in that situation.
why should she speak to you? she doesn't know you

RhodaBull · 15/02/2016 15:45

Dd, who is 12, would just die at that situation. Dh embarrassing her, the woman apologising, everyone looking at her...

As others have said, a 12-year-old is an odd thing. You don't want anyone to look at you, you do want people to look at you, you love your parents, you want the ground to swallow up your parents etc etc etc.

Narp · 15/02/2016 15:45

And... your comment about divorced dad is bizarre

JeanneDeMontbaston · 15/02/2016 15:50

LaContessa, do mothers of teenage sons also look like 'divorced mums' when they - as is absolutely normal - venture out of the house without their spouses? Confused

What a bizarre idea.

The dad may have looked a bit overwhelmed, but isn't that perfectly normal with children that age? Poor man - he was probably doing his best!

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/02/2016 15:54

Jeanne - it's not a phrase I would use myself but I think I understand what the op meant. Parent who is a bit more worried than they should be (for whatever reason, let's guess at one) with a child who looks unhappy about the situation.

I hope you find my explanation satisfactory.

Original poster
Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 15:54

Slightly awkward with forced, set up coffee shop contact with slightly shy, possibly annoyed teen daughter, who would rather be in bed/whatsapping friends/ going shopping with buddy than hanging out with dad, but feels horribly guilty for thinking that. Not a brilliant set up for a relaxing and chatty morning.

iguana that's exactly how he looked! You've nailed it. I felt it was relevant because he came over to say something to me but didn't have the skills to make it better for his daughter i.e don't worry about it, just try again etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 15:57

I understand why you posted op, I'd be wondering if I'd breached some huge social rule or committed a faux pas other than the original one if someone responded to me like that!

Thanks contessa that's exactly what I was thinking!

OP posts:
Samcro · 15/02/2016 15:58

wow op. and you had the skills?
you made it worse by joining wit him

Narp · 15/02/2016 15:58

No-one can always, in the moment, make their nearly teen do or say the right thing. No-one. You sound a bit patronising

Narp · 15/02/2016 15:59

I don't think you did post because of that You posted because you were surprised at how rude she appeared.

LogicalThinking · 15/02/2016 16:04

I wonder if my DH looks like a divorced dad when he takes our DS out for a coffee. He does it quite often as it helps DS learn to queue and order things himself. He gets very upset when it goes wrong for him.

Once you've been missed in a queue, it's very difficult to get yourself noticed unless you are quite assertive.

It always helps to know that there are other people standing around and judging my son's behaviour, my husband's parenting and our marital status!

LaContessaDiPlump · 15/02/2016 16:10

Making an observation about the people you see is not the same as judging them. I don't give a crap about anyone's marital status.

We all make observations as we go about our daily lives and we generally use those assumptions in a well-meaning manner.

poppiesanddaisies · 15/02/2016 16:12

I don't see what him being divorced, widowed, married or single has to do with the daughter, though - unless the insinuation is that rude kids are that way because their parents are divorced.

Original poster
Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 16:12

If you say so narp Hmm

I think there are people on here who clearly have the skills to make it better for their kids. The lady whose son was having trouble in McDonalds for example. The other poster who said she wouldn't tolerate that behaviour in public only at home.

I wasn't expecting him to make her do or say anything I was just surprised how strongly she was reacting, bottom lip out, arms crossed slumped down in her chair. He seemed nervous of her but not of me if you see what I mean.

I was wondering if I'd committed some social faux pas worse than a simple mistake followed by an apology.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 15/02/2016 16:12

My DD is 12 yo. This sort of behaviour seems to be absolutely standard. Grumpy, with a huge side order of social anxiety and embarrassment.

decisionsdecisions123 · 15/02/2016 16:13

Such a lot of analysing for one small situation!

I think the dad was really angry because the daughter was sent to buy the last iced bun but the Op bought it instead so now the dad is fuming because there was only carrot cake left (which he hates) and so went to have a word with the Op and the daughter is sulking because now she has to listen to the dad complain about the lack of iced bun AND now has to stop off at the local bakery on the way home to try and locate another iced bun or there will be TROUBLE!

pinkcan · 15/02/2016 16:13

I know someone who behaves like that 12yo. She is a 32yo woman and has teenage strops/ignores people if pissed off, including her poor old mum! I avoid her at all costs.

Original poster
Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 16:17

I'm not judging him for being divorced! I was divorced, my DH was divorced with daughters who were once teenagers! I know the look because I've seen it in his eyes when out in public with them and not knowing what to do.

If I'm judging then I better go and give my husband a piece of my mind and wag my finger at him Grin

OP posts:
usual · 15/02/2016 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 16:24

LOL decisions !

Not to drip feed but I haven't told you yet about when the dad caught up with me outside the coffee shop to try to grab the iced bun, but instead I gave him a good kicking (there was a queue forming behind me which I didn't jump this time). After I gave him a good hiding I stepped over his twitching body, apologised and strolled off whistling.

You are right I think this has been done to death now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andthentherewasmum · 15/02/2016 16:28

I was going to end that with us rolling around on the coffee shop floor pulling each others hair but I thought you wouldn't believe me Grin

OP posts:
JeanneDeMontbaston · 15/02/2016 16:30

LaC - I do see where you're coming from. I am sure you didn't mean it to sound the way it did!