Help! I've had a massive row with my family and I need to know if IABU

[noodlesareyummy]

I need help here. My cousin and I are very close, he's like a brother to me. Lets call his wife my CiL, we also generally get on incredibly well and are very close (Xmas, birthdays together etc) she says we're sisters - that sort of close. Anyway I have a DD 2 and a DS 4m. C & CiL were there for us so much when DD was born and little and are really close to her too, she adores them. Since they had a DD of their own (just 10mths old) I noticed something about my CiL- she shouts and snaps at her own DD constantly. And I mean shouts loudly. The kid is as good as gold, never makes a peep, not grabby or anything, CiL has just always seemed really impatient with her. Then she started on my DD. Don't get me wrong I'm not a picture of patience 100% of the time but I do try to practice gentle parenting. DD is very clever and very spirited, not violent or nasty just on the go all day every day, knows what she wants, thinks she's 22...that kind of spirited. She's exactly like me and I was shouted at and smacked regularly as a child. It didn't work and simply resulted in an 18 year power struggle between my mum and I until I left for uni with a sigh of relief and some quite negative feelings about my parents. I don't want that for my daughter and I. So CiL comes round with C the other day to stay the weekend. My DD is wandering round, playing with her toys and CiL is on her case immediately, "DD be careful of My DD!" "DD SHARE that" "DD, play NICELY please" "DD say thank you to my DD". I was so over it that I took DD to another room to play as she couldn't do anything without getting barked at. CiL came in to the room we were in and carried on at my DD in the same manner "be CAREFUL my DD is just a baby!" (Walking past her not even close to her) "don't climb on that!" (A beanbag) Etc etc. Again I took DD away, I was really angry by this point but not saying anything. Then my C came in and says that CiL had told him I was being moody and rude and that they were leaving. A row erupted where I basically said "stop disciplining her when she's not doing anything" and they stormed out. They haven't spoken to me since. I sent them a long message explaining about gentle parenting and what I was thinking when I was appearing moody. Nothing. Won't answer my calls either.
Please help! Am I in the wrong here? I'm bewildered!

muscateers yes, it's positive parenting. It's really working for us, she's tidy, conscientious, loves her baby brother, I don't think she's a brat at all. CiL gets at her mainly for not sharing and for missing a "please" now and then. She's JUST turned 2.

Positive parenting works for us too. I hated the thought of spending the little time I have with dd (I work full time) shouting at her, so this seem more in keeping with our and her characters. It can be more time consuming but ultimately she is calm and happy.

I think your cil has overly high expectations. Dd forgets the odd please and thank you and has to be gently reminded at nearly 4 (but then so does her mummy at nearly 40
)!

I don't know what planet I'm on konmari yesterday today gentle parenting ive never heard of these terms.

I don't think its the end of the world to raise your voice at a child, but a 10 month old or even wee toddlers is not necessary, start as you mean to go on. plus if it's constant as you say I wouldn't like that either.

I understand why they stormed out over it seems ott to me.

hows it rude for op to leave the room, she obviously didn't want to create a scene. I don't like confrontation either but I usually just address the children to resolve the problem, in this case the older child.

I don't get the shouting at such young kids not necessary, unless they were doing something dangerous .

She's not got PND (unless she's really good at hiding it)

YABU for that remark alone. Many do hide it.

Unless you are a medical professional how would you know!?

I actually didn't think you were being that unreasonable. I find that I'm more of a stressed out, muttering "ffs" under my breath half the time type of parent BUT that's reserved for my own spirited children I generally butt out of other peoples parenting unless my DC is at immediate risk from theirs.

The only bit I think you were unreasonable about was the "gentle parenting" email. Eek, cringe

It sounds great muskateers but presumably it depends on the nature of the child? It would have probably worked quite well with DC1 but I'm not sure about DC2...
I went off and googled it after I posted and one of the websites said that you give choices rather than commands. The example given was 'would you like to brush your teeth before putting on your pyjamas?'
DC2 would say 'no thank you'. He's very polite but very much does his own thing and doesn't really respond to threats or explaining consequences. How would a gentle/positive parenting parent respond to that?
Genuinely interested as I'm not the most patient of people and raised voices and commands are usually what works here.

Generally because we have always given options to dd that doesn't happen. If it does I would ask her what she wanted to do, and then if it was something appropriate like after you brush my hair, I would say ok then. If it was I don't want to brush my teeth, I would explain that we have to brush our teeth otherwise the food monsters will still be in there, make a silly game, and then ask again, by which time she probably would have her mouth open telling me there was a pea running around her mouth "get it mummy get it!" ... Sounds long winded and silly, but she feels she has some control, and I get what I need done.

If I tell dd put these pj's on, she will refuse, if I say go and choose some pj's and put them on, she does so happily. She responds better to having a degree of control.

But yes.... I would guess as with everything, it may not be suitable for every child. No one method works for every family/every child.

Omg, the same posters making the same overly judgemental and frankly unhelpful unsupportive comments, I despair of this forum sometimes. How can anyone say the email re gentle parenting was patronising, we haven't seen this email,we can't comment. Also why people feel the need to pick on two or 3 words and cling to those as some kind of encyclopaedia of the op personality is beyond me. It is very easy to misread text and attribute it a meaning it never originally had so think first before criticising. When someone comes to this forum they may be in a moment of emotional crisis, it is not the time to spout opinionated bile that is good for nothing other than to make the respondent feel superior to the op. This is not what this forum should be about, why do we as mothers want to do this to another mum? The truth is as decent people we don't unless we have big issues ourselves.
Op - obviously by coming here you are showing you are in distress, so firstly feel some virtual hugs from me. I think someone's earlier advice about letting the dust settle was a good one. I know this time out can be upsetting particularly if you hate letting the sun go down on an argument but often as time passes what seemed a huge deal can fade to insignificance and you may find they make the next move towards reconciliation. You did try and remove your child from the situation, they followed. I'm sure your behaviour was mostly due to not wanting to offend a guest by being up front earlier and so no one party is to blame here, it's more of a misunderstanding. If they don't come back to you see if you can arrange to see them, let them know how much you love and value them and be willing to hear them out as well as put across exactly what you explained above without aggression seeping in. Hard but I'm sure you can manage it, you clearly have a good understanding of how people tick as you have recognised your child's need for less dictatorial parenting based on your own experiences.

No one needs to shout and snap at a 10 month old constantly, or shout at a 22 month old for that matter. That is really unpleasant. I think you will find her parenting "style" impossible to stomach, op, so it is probably no bad thing that she seems to want a little space between you.

I for one couldn't spend time with someone who was persistently "on the case" of little babies and toddlers. Shouting is a terrible way of parenting.

I just want to clarify quickly that it was a whatsapp message not an email (so a lot shorter) and it just explained everyone does their own thing with their own child, it's totally fine, I like to avoid shouting at my DCs because I'm trying something called gentle parenting and it's working for us. I didn't go into what gentle parenting wax or try to presuade her over to the gentle side. I just said the name.

I'm in your camp here. Once you've made up, maybe just avoid seeing them with the kids too much. Or in situations that will be easy. They have got very upset by this-maybe she is struggling a bit with no sleep etc?

How can anyone say the email re gentle parenting was patronising, we haven't seen this email,we can't comment.

We don't know exactly what was said at all by either party. Non of us were there. The OP CIL may have a very different point of view.

Going by your point that we can't comment on what we haven't seen. So nobody should comment at all as none of us were there.

Oh and not everyone one on here are female or even mums.

Op - obviously by coming here you are showing you are in distress

Thanks vijac, but hmm, lack of sleep, I have a 2yo who's up needing a wee twice a night and a 4mo with colic. Her DC has been sleeping 8-8 since she was 3 months old...actually maybe I should read some of those parenting books she keeps giving me!

noodles

So really you were just trying to explain yourself in the whatsapp message, not being a know it all. Cil may feel embarrassed that ultimately she came to your house and made a scene, you were trying not to, all be it slightly passive aggressively. I wouldn't be too hard on yourself though, often passive aggression is really you trying to be polite whilst actually feeling under heavy attack. Take it as a lesson in how not just standing firm and saying what you are thinking can actually end up causing more grief in the long haul. You aren't the first person in the world to be uncomfortable with confrontation and you won't be the last so please go easy on yourself. Xx

In reply to those who read my post and remarked, there are many kind and thoughtful responses on here, there are also a few who like to be routinely critical. As we only get a tiny slice of the story No one is expecting responses to be akin to high court judgements which have explored every angle. However there are many ways to comfort and offer generalised advice that may or may not be relevant without being short, critical or over bearing in a way that recognises the op may be already feeling considerably low. We need not make them feel worse.

You're exactly right I shouldn't let things fester. I feel that if I address something when I'm wound up about it, it'll come out all wrong so I keep it in. I do this all the time. Except with my husband who gets the full immediate no filter feedback .

She shouts at a 10m old?

Fuck her...

Ok bit harsh, but she has it so wrong, and to discipline your dd when it's really not needed, she must have some kind of death wish

She keeps giving you parenting books? Your whatsapp message sounds ok.

Can you define "gentle parenting" in terms of what it means for you?

No you shouldn't let things fester but many of us do. I am the worlds worst at allowing something to build so that when I eventually blow my behaviour seems totally disproportionate to the trigger but of course it was just the final straw. I also know that it is a desire not to offend or cause confrontation that can lead to keeping things internalised so it doesn't make you bad, in many ways the opposite. It sounds like cil wasn't very tuned in to you and how you deal with things, it really is one of those 6 of one type scenarios. You weren't completely wrong, neither was she. I'm sure it will blow over.

My guess would be she's struggling with lack of sleep, losing her identity to motherhood, PND, or something along those lines. Maybe her relationship isn't so great behind closed doors. No one sets out to shout at a baby, i would think something's up.