To wonder why so many people think social services steal babies

[Abbinob]

Recently the local police posted on fb about a young woman who had gone missing with her baby. The baby was in care when she's went missing with him.
Cue a hundred posts of how social services and their secret courts and forced adoptions and 'bonuses' for adoptions etc are to blame and that she had no choice etc.

I've had nothing but good experiences with social workers. They've been involved twice with us, first time when my ex (DD's dad) and his parents made allegations of child abuse about me, even sexual abuse, but the social workers were really good, unbiased, no jumping to conclusions or anything. I had no fear of my child being taken off me although a lazy judge actually did order her removal from me and the social workers and the hospital did everything they could to block that removal because they knew the facts and the judge didn't.

However, if you asked my ex he'd say they were terrible because they didn't automatically believe him and take her away from me and give her to him.

They're involved again now because my ex's MH issues got bad and DD started having behavioural problems and again they are wonderful. Incredibly patient with my ex who was very argumentative and uncooperative for a long time and have done their best to make things easier for him. And they really seem to care about DD - I get weekly visits from a support worker to discuss and work on her behaviour issues, they arranged for full-time daycare for her to help with her social issues, and they even give her Christmas and Birthday gifts (donated gifts, no cost to them).

I think they deserve a lot more respect than they often get, for doing such a different job that invites so much criticism.

Tali that makes me so .

Im training as a social worker in Denmark. Our remit is much much broader than in the UK, so looking after ex soldiers (like the british legion), probation officers, trade unions, job centers etc etc but we are ALWAYS told to look at hte bigger picture, the family is a UNIT, so in your case I would have recommended a visit to the GP, I would have expected you to take any ADs that the DR perscribed. I would contact your HV to see if she had any ideas for what might help (specialist mother baby groups for example). I would also see if the council had any suitable support groups of activities. I would want to know about your support network - family, friends, colleagues etc. If you had no transport we could get you transport to particualr activities, or part of the cost. If you were unable to care for your baby I would see if there were any family members that could take her temporarily, or move in with you. PND is in most cases temporary, so we would be looking at ways to support you through it. THe first year is the most important in a child's life - Harry Potter is quite literally protected by his mother's love. There is a big difference between someone who wants to be a good parent, but cant due to circumstances, and someone who is ambivalent. We can quite often change the circumstances but not the person.

Because it's easier to blame 'them', rather than yourself...

What I wonder is the extent to which the social workers can make a judgement as surely they only ever have a snapshot?

For instance, I rarely have food in the house as its tiny and I only have room for a mini-fridge in the kitchen. However, I live on the high street and work near a big sainsburys and tend to get food in on an every other day basis.

I just wonder if sometimes things are taken out of context a bit.

I think the handful of cases people know of where families have been badly served by social services or the family court stick far more in their mind than the thousands of cases where really good work was carried out by dedicated professionals and the best possible outcomes were achieved.

That is horrific narnia

poppies Social workers don't tend to make judgements based on just one visit unless its a case of one visit clearly being enough to close a case, so individual things like shopping often instead of keeping food in the home can easily be explained over the course of visits.

I grew up in care and my experience was extremely bad. I was obsessed with the SS taking my kids when they were younger. Even though I had anxiety, depression and undiagnosed autism, I always made sure the house and kids were clean and I was able to go to work.

When ds1 was a baby I took him to the baby clinic every week - instead of fortnightly to ensure that 'they' could see I was taking good care of him. I went through my 30s fully expecting SS to come at any minute and for any reason to take them away.

I see that it is a situation that the "ex and or family of ex" have made allegations most likely because the mother has off loaded a bad husband who then lost control of the wife and therefore the ex and his family are reduced in contact with the child.
The ex and his family will have even further reduced or non existent contact with the child due to making life difficult for the mother who is in sole charge of the child. This also makes the conduct of the ex and family questionable.
Where Social Services fall down is that when they received such an allegation from a separated father they can not accept that they have jumped in created havoc for the mother and child on the say so of a disgruntled father and family. Social Services should be most apologetic to the mother and child for believing and acting on the word of someone who was put out of the house and therefore holding a grudge!
Although nothing was found to be wrong the fact that Social Services actually believed this man leaves the mother and child with a distrust of Social Services probably for the rest of their lives.

Prior to this situation I would have said that it would be the right thing to do to check up on a child. BUT this must be done with the brain engaged in Social Services when it actually says in the notes that the parents live apart.
We all know of the much publicised cases but just how many cases do we not hear about. A PP said she felt like killing herself I can understand that
fully.

I had very brief ss involvement, after me and dp gor in an argument on a night iut and poli e were involved The man was nice and the first thing he did was say I looked worried and then explained not to worry as they don't have any intentions of removing children unless absolutely necessary. As it turns out we only had 2 visits, one to ask us some questions and probably have a look at the flat and how we interact with DS etc, the second was to say that there would be no further involvement and that hes closing the case. He phoned up housing for us to help with our application and gave us advice about housing etc (were living with dps mum in her flat at the time)
I was scared of them before that but now not so much.

No one is ever going to admit my child was taken into care/adopted cause I was a shit parent. It will always be someone else's fault

I have a distant relative who adopted her sister's child. She has a very responsible position working with children, as does her DH, and a very young family of her own. For some reason, SS decided they didn't want the family having this baby (whose mum, it was universally agreed, was not in a good place to be a mum).

There followed a nightmare for this poor family, as social workers did everything they possibly could to catch the parents out. They called in the middle of tea time/bed time and then wrote up notes suggesting that the parents were failing to care for their own children properly. Along with many other things. They made a very difficult time so very much harder.

I'm glad to say the judge saw through this entirely and wiped the floor with the social workers in court. He didn't appreciate having his decision influenced in such a way.

Social services are meant to be objective, but when they have a way they want things to go and pursue that instead of good practice, they can be dangerous and morally misguided. All, no doubt, with the best of intentions.

Oldraver, In my case it wasnt because I was a shit parent. I was an emotionally vulnerable parent who was abandonded by her partner after 8 months off headfucking. Some days, I didnt know which way was up.

I like to think I'm more balanced now.

Unfortunately in my work I've seen children taken away entirely inappropriately and also the exact opposite. There is a huge amount of subjectivity, and people are right to find that frightening.

Despite working in this area, I would never let SS come near my family. Most people feel the same, for good reason.

Tali From what you have posted it sounds like you were the kind of person that needed help, you may not of liked it but it sounded like it turned out for the best in the end.

SS should be there to help people with the intention of keeping families together or stepping in when needed.

But we have to admit that some people are just not cut out to be parents not matter how much intervention there is

"No one is ever going to admit my child was taken into care/adopted cause I was a shit parent. It will always be someone else's fault."

There are actively abusive parents such as Daniel Pelka and Peter Connelly's 'mothers'. However, most are those who just do not have the ability to parent, due to substance use or mental illness or learning difficulty. There are lots of parents who've had such poor upbringings, that they struggle to parent their own offspring, no matter how much they want to. These are always the saddest.

Narnia I am glad your relative is well now. I remember your story well (from DW) and I think of you and your family often. You truly did everything you could to help her. I hope she continues to recover. Do they allow her any indirect contact with her child? Do you know how the baby is doing now?

Separately, in my line of work I have seen some hideous situations where children have been taken from families temporarily after malicious reports or misinformation given to SS. Although the children were eventually returned, it is incredibly damaging to be removed from your parents and placed in a home you don't know, even for one night.

There is some poor reporting by the media, but I think largely the family courts are hideously under-reported because we can't adequately report what goes on there. I've been a journalist for 14 years and have been inside a family court once. Better access needs to be given and reporting should be encouraged so people can see that I the huge majority of cases, the social workers involved are excellent, dedicated and brilliant at their jobs.

i had ss involved for good reason however instead of supporting my children they distressed me they missed visits didnt make referrals slated me mercilessly claimed i was still in a relationship with my ex when they finally decided i wasn't seeing him they still attacked me for talking to him about his own children the best one was when the report was read out in conference and the chair asked a question "should abbs be stopping contact with the dad"? "no she cant" was the answer "he hasn't been charged with anything" so why is she expected not to speak to him about the children? "well we cant do that" well in your report your alleging she has spoken to him on the phone? "yes"! well she is allowed to so what is your problem? it was the same merry go round every conference we believe she has "spoken" to her ex! (even if i hadn't 99% of the time i hadn't and the rest of the time was in core group) yes? they have two kids one with medical issues? what's your point? "umm we don't like it" moving on have you made referrals a?b?c? no no and no have you done your visits "well no" have you seen the children? "umm no" you could read the chairs face like a book he was thinking WTF have you done except throw mud at the mom and hope it sticks? they finally got downgraded and the school stated they wanted us to stay on "in need" for a long time to prevent slippage then i get a phone call they have stopped everything no more conferences etc nothing sort out the contact between the two of you (a couple of conditions attached but its been dropped) and that was it as per usual nothing put in writing she didnt ring my ex so i had to tell him and of course i now have to have contact with him because i have to see him for contact the boys are too young to take themselves

she never did the risk assessment on my ex which was the entire reason for them being put on the register in the first place 11 months of hell and threats and they just drop it

it was a pointless waste of money they focussed entirely on me and even when my ex admitted to preventing my daughter from eating slapping and screaming at his son and abusing me they glossed over it and focussed on me again utterly useless women's aid was more help and support for my kids

they have my disabled friend at the moment they are trying to get her to accept shared care between her and a foster family so she can go horse riding and go on day trips to london i dont know any foster families who do that call me cynical but they are not helping her either they actually tell her her dyslexia is holding her daughter back (teenage daughter) and make her feel guilty for being dyslexic and having fibro

Zariyah...I get that. Maybe I shouldn't of used the word 'shit parent'..but whatever the reason many are not going to admit their failings as a parent.

I'm sure as hell if I were to ask my mother why we ended up in care after being abandoned, possibly for days in a filthy cold flat she would fudge the issue

I'm sure it happens occasionally (all organisations make mistakes) but it must be incredibly hard for the people to whom it does happen to get help. Because almost everybody thinks there case is unfair.

There's a long thread on Netmums about this. Reasons which were apparently unacceptable for removing children given by some on there include:

Child being seriously injured by drunken brawlers in their home (they didn't mean to hurt them)

Taking heroin throughout pregnancy (she always intended to give up when she was born and not before)

Not protecting children from abuse (because a subsequent woman who had a child with the same man didn't have her children removed, even though she was no longer in a relationship with him).

Getting pregnant at 13 and refusing to engage with ss at all (custody given to grandparents)

Refusing to leave a DV situation which children are witnessing despite support offered.

Some people's views of what constitutes normal or acceptable is warped.

i will never trust my sons school again either my son is shy always has been his class teacher report was full of positives how nice he was how bright he was then the school safety officers report was he doesn't like to talk about his family he is too quiet he is on x medication and we want to know why (because the doctor prescribed it he needs it and i had to take him off it because they "didn't like it") she spoke at length about the food issues he had only for me to point out he had no issues with food she told me he did and i apparently spoke to the staff about it when he was in nursery i told her i didn't take ds to school in nursery so how could i have done? well my staff assure me you did (tinkly laugh) well i had spd and was on bed rest care to check my doctor's records >death glare< i trust my staff to have recorded it accurately they say....(and so on never let the truth get in the way of a good story i used to joke she secretly worked for the daily mail) nothing she said was accurate it was always refuted by doctors school nurses and the health visitor

the lesson i learnt was don't trust ss or the school but trust the HV School nurse and the Doctor they were the only ones who actually had my children's best interest at heart and fought my corner to get me help and support they took the time to get to know me and my family and acted accordingly

I'm not sure it's the reasons that people believe are not reason that blatiently obviously are good reason that cause most of the problems.

It's the ones where other people including judges independent social workers and sane rational normal people agree that are not good reasons that need a bit of attention.

If your case is good then you do not need a section 20 by stealth (it happens lots) you do not need serious pressure to force a section 20, you follow the rules tell the truth and abide by legislation policy and guidelines.

That is the only way you can challenge the public perception