To feel like this? I feel guilty and awful

[TheCatsMeow]

I had a baby 6 months ago and I feel guilty for saying this but I'm bored out of my mind. All I do every day is look after a child. My baby has bad reflux and allergies and I spend all day covered in sick, he won't nap in the day so I don't get a break. Everything's a mess, I can't get anything done, I have to be watching him all the time. I took my eye off him for 10 seconds today and he fell off the bed.

I love my son but I feel so isolated. I don't have a job at the moment and have no childcare so I can't go back to work yet hardly any of my friends have kids and I feel guilty for wanting to do something else. I feel like a failure of a mother, as what sort of shitty parent doesn't want to be a SAHM? I shouldn't feel like this, I should enjoy every second together and loathe having to do anything else!

I'm very introverted and miss my books, gaming, watching Netflix, I love writing but never get time to do it...I've never been good with structure, I'm someone who likes to wake up and decide to go on a trip or buy random matinee tickets or go to the beach. I can't do that now, every day is the same, day in day out. I can't take it. I do go to a group which is nice but I miss other things. Before I'd go to the library for hours and just read, or sit in a coffee shop sketching it's little things like that. I feel like I've lost who I am

I feel like my child deserves better than me, someone who clearly is a crap mother. I have no idea what I'm looking for here, just needed to rant. I was told I have mild PND but I don't think this is that. Thought about NC but cannot be bothered. Thanks for reading.

also stop feeling guilty. Nursery he will enjoy and you need the break. Formula feeding- lots of mums do this for lots of reasons it's totally fine and your baby will thrive.
Giving birth naturally- you grew him for 9 months and you love him now. How he got out doesn't matter one bit. It won't go on his cv

You said something about not being able to spontaneously go to the beach? Are you sure you can't? If baby is happy in a pram, you can go on walks, read on the beach, jump on a train, whatever. Don't feel you can't and don't feel you need to be entertaining baby all day.

When I was feeling low and dd was little, I would jump on the train with pram, go somewhere new, get a coffee, sit in a park then go home. It broke the boredom of feeding/settling and dd was just fine feeding/sleeping in a pram. Fresh air and new scenery can do wonders.

Being the first to have kids is hard...and giving up work. I remember feeling alone, yet if I had a baby now I have 50 friends who are off work/working part time/have kids the same age. It makes a difference.

Small kids are really boring at times and it's bloody hard work. No-one tells you the hideous truth of child birth and thenonce your body has gone through that you get no recovery time, your boobs hurt like hell and you have to just get on with breastfeeding (fucking hard to start with) the biggest period of your life, and 24/7 care for something that you don't understand or have any experience of with no rest. And folk think there's something wrong with you if you ever say you were happier before. Big hugs, yes it's shit. I'm 10 years in with my kids and it really does get easier but I do miss my freedom when I stop and think about it.

I felt the same with my first. I'm a writer. I like to potter. My perfect day is so low key. I would read, go to the library, read a bit, sketch, tea shop and cake, walk, play my fiddle, read some more, wander, idle, craft and so on.

After dd was born I felt my world had contracted down to her. I loved her with a ferocity which left me anxious tbh. I thought I'd lost myself. I couldn't imagine ever being spontaneous again or laughing out loud or going to the theatre at short notice or just listening to a CD and daydreaming. I'd had an emcs and was struggling with feeding, dd never ever napped and was grizzly all the time and I felt like an imposter.

It WAS pnd and a healthy smattering of ptsd. I didn't think it at the time. I thought I was a crap mother. Turns out I don't like the baby stage but with my second I didn't have pnd and I had perspective instead. I knew it'd pass and quickly in hindsight. DS was a much harder baby and I had to invest so much more of myself in him. Health issues and extreme separation anxiety meant he was basically in a sling for 3 years but I didn't feel I'd lost myself because I was well mentally. Of course I felt frustrated and exhausted and desperate. It's normal. I'm an introvert and need space. It wasn't all rosy. However, that feeling of having lost myself, of being trapped and doomed and crap was pnd.

They're 8 and 4 now and it's ace. They go to school and I do all that stuff I need to thrive and I enjoy them enormously. We read and draw and potter and share all that stuff I once though of as lost. And we do it together. It's a joy these days.

Rachel Cusk wrote a book about feeling the way you're feeling. It's not very cheerful but it will sure as hell confirm that you're not the only one ! Sorry can't remember the title but someone here will know it.

I've read all these posts thank you all it is helping a lot

I should enjoy every second together and loathe having to do anything else!

No way! How you feel is valid and OK

What a lovely post Show and I agree, things do get better as they get older and you're able to share all the things you used to love doing. It's great to be able to do that

Just to let you know, I also had an EMCS, couldn't feed DD1, she wouldn't nap unless in the car and I felt no connection with her until 5 months. I cared for her and worried about her constantly but there was no connection.
One day I just felt a rush of love and I knew things were going to be OK, but I'd spent 5 months feeling so guilty and ashamed. I now know lots of mums feel the same, it's nothing to be ashamed of, it very, very normal.

Also DD2 was an elective CS, I loved her from the moment she was born and she was such an easy, smiley baby who slept like a dream, so don't think all your babies will be the same.

I had twins, one with reflux and one with colic. The first 4 months were just a blur of feeding and cleaning up sick. Total nightmare. I'm also not a baby person.

I used to wedge a book open whilst I was feeding. I know I should probably have been cooing over my babies but I wasn't. I also learned to balance a gameboy and feed one, then rock the other with my foot. Completely mastered multitasking.

It will get better, OP. Just look forward to those days when you can take your little one places. You'll be able to do the things you enjoyed before, though you may find you have to adapt a bit.

Thecatsmeow, I'm not sure if I'm qualified as such to post as my DCs are much older but.....
If you were a crap mum, you wouldn't care enough to have written your post.
You are a great mum, the best mum your DS could possibly have.
Be kind to yourself, accept help, tell your doctor how you feel or other mums at your group. You don't need to be a super mum, you need to be the best that you can and that's what you are doing. Gold star from me.
And Keep posting if it helps you. Because what helps you, helps your DS.

Allergies suck. And babies are boring.

I LOVE it when they are 2. So much fun, so lovely.

Hate 3, I start liking them again from 4-5 onwards.

My point is, not every bit of this parenting lark is fun. Some bits are shite. Hard work. And boring.

You're normal. Sorry to hear you're suffering the allergies and reflux. I've been there and it's not fun.

The Rachel Cusk book is "A Life's Work". But I found it made me feel more miserable and negative about the whole baby thing, personally! Basically, she had a colicky, non sleeping baby, and very probably PND.

Re: the childcare: I honestly believe that quality childcare is great for babies and small children. I consider myself a just-about-adequate mum, and to pick up a child who's spent all day being taken for walks/doing sensory play/ fingerpainting/ whatever, plus being cooed over by the CM and all her other mindees if he/ she's the smallest, is an absolute delight.DS1 is extremely confident and outgoing, and DS2 (8 months) looks to be going that way too, and I'm sure the fact that I'm happy to let them spend time with other adults without me is a contributory factor.

Re: enormous baby- I can sympathise with this, as DS2 is also on the 91st centile. I do wonder if I'm going to have done myself permanent damage with the lifting! If you do have a sling library nearby/ have a bit of spare cash, I found the Connecta sling very good.