To feel like this? I feel guilty and awful

[TheCatsMeow]

I had a baby 6 months ago and I feel guilty for saying this but I'm bored out of my mind. All I do every day is look after a child. My baby has bad reflux and allergies and I spend all day covered in sick, he won't nap in the day so I don't get a break. Everything's a mess, I can't get anything done, I have to be watching him all the time. I took my eye off him for 10 seconds today and he fell off the bed.

I love my son but I feel so isolated. I don't have a job at the moment and have no childcare so I can't go back to work yet hardly any of my friends have kids and I feel guilty for wanting to do something else. I feel like a failure of a mother, as what sort of shitty parent doesn't want to be a SAHM? I shouldn't feel like this, I should enjoy every second together and loathe having to do anything else!

I'm very introverted and miss my books, gaming, watching Netflix, I love writing but never get time to do it...I've never been good with structure, I'm someone who likes to wake up and decide to go on a trip or buy random matinee tickets or go to the beach. I can't do that now, every day is the same, day in day out. I can't take it. I do go to a group which is nice but I miss other things. Before I'd go to the library for hours and just read, or sit in a coffee shop sketching it's little things like that. I feel like I've lost who I am

I feel like my child deserves better than me, someone who clearly is a crap mother. I have no idea what I'm looking for here, just needed to rant. I was told I have mild PND but I don't think this is that. Thought about NC but cannot be bothered. Thanks for reading.

Welcome to motherhood! It is boring and incredibly stifling but it gets much, much better.

I actually gave up work when I had my first. When he was 9 months I rang my boss in tears, begging to go back!

Welcome to motherhood! Babies are fucking dull. It gets better and I guarantee you're not a crap mum.

ghosty me too! I felt like my 3rd should/could be my 1st baby. I enjoyed it, cooing, gurgling, swimming classes, baby love and endorphins galore: the works. I so agree with your post!

I remember feeling like this too. Someone recommended this book to me when my DD was this age and it helped put things in perspective what mothers do

Another one here agreeing that this is within the realms of normal, op. Also, I too think I would actually enjoy having a 3rd baby in the way that I was meant to enjoy #1 and #2! TBF I did like DS2 far more than DS1 right from the start and we're still pretty close by comparison. I assume it was simply because I knew what to expect with DS2 while everything with DS1 felt like a horrible new world full of demands on my time/body.

Sounds like you've had a really tough time what with the birth and your ex partner. If you don't mind me asking how old are you? I'm assuming you're younger as you mentioned your friends not having children.

For what it's worth I'm one of those types that loves being at home, felt so upset to return to work, miss my daughter when I'm not with her but I've had the opposite reaction from you as have tried to play this down as I meet mum's who say similar to you and I feel like I'm a bit strange for not being the same. Think it really depends on your personality, life experiences etc. I love caring for a young baby but can quite imagine I'll find the teenager stage hard, whereas you might love that!

I think no matter what we do being a mum is a massive guilt trip! You feel guilty for being bored and I feel guilty for potebtiallt turning into someone boring (so I really try not to be like that)! There's always someone who'll think you're wrong and judge you.

Oh and don't beat yourself up about the birth or breastfeeding. I had an EMCS and felt so guilty but there's nothing to feel guilty about!

It's so tough isn't it!

I have a 5-month-old. He is very clingy and needs almost constant attention. I love him deeply and generally enjoy being a mum, but some days I'm sobbing with frustration by mid-morning. I long to read a book, write, take a long bath, linger over a meal or just sit and think for a while!

I find it helps to remember this is just a stage.

I try to go out somewhere every day. We do baby-yoga, swimming, buggy-fit, sensory, music class, messy-play, coffee mornings and also get together with NCT group for walks, baby-cinema etc. My DS tends to nap in his baby-carrier so I get a few hours of adult conversation which helps relieve the boredom. Making friends is key. Many new mums are desperate to make friends and baby classes and groups are perfect for socialising. I made lots of new friends this way. You will realise it's fairly normal to feel as you do, even women who seem to be naturals admit to struggling.

I spend a lot of time at friends houses now. Most of these women I met through NCT and baby classes. We all keep an eye on each other's babies and it's a great chance for a break. Sometimes we get a mobile hairdresser to come in, or take turns to cook or do crafts, and often one of us will take a nap or shower while others watch baby. My baby cries a lot, on days when I felt at the end of my tether my friends would take turns holding him and walking him while I had a rest.

Social support network is key for new mums. It can be very lonely, isolating, stressful and tedious looking after a baby. In a group you can relax a bit as there are people to help.

Oh and all my friends houses (mine included) are messy. I've just admitted defeat re cleaning and booked a cleaner for 3hours a fortnight!

My two are teenagers now, but I remember the baby days very well. I was absolutely convinced for the first few months of my older child's life that I had made a terrible mistake - I remember panicky feelings of wanting somehow to escape the situation. And the feelings of loss of identity! I had always worked, up until my older one was born, and my job was important to my sense of who I was. And the boredom ... oh, the boredom ... and the sleep deprivation.... All I can say to you is that things do get a lot better as your children get older - incrementally better at first, and then suddenly, amazingly better, by leaps and bounds.

I only started liking my children when they turned:

DS1: 2yo. He is now 5yo and I have LOVED the last 3 years. The first 2 years I was ready to sell him on eBay at times!

DS2: He is now 3yo and getting a little easier but still very difficult due to verbal delay- I liked to be bossed around in English!

I am definitely not a baby person

I was SO BORED playing with my children as babies. I was SAHM for all three of them (husband in RN and away a lot of the time) so no childcare help from families as they were too far away, so just me and three kiddies. Life got better as they got older and I could take them out and about but, seriously, I tried really hard to be the 'Earth Mother' type ... big fat fail !! stop being so hard on yourself :)

I think we better at some stages/ages of our children's lives than others. Some really don't enjoy the baby stage and others absolutely adore the hazy,milky madness of it all. It doesn't mean you aren't a great mother though.

There is a 'baby lie' and so many parents do not feel the things they are 'told' they will probably feel. So when they don't, they assume they're getting it wrong and aren't good enough. I found the baby stage a total nightmare. Once dd was less tiny, weaned and able to do and say more, things really improved. I also don't think anything prepares you for the sheer repetitive, relentless nature of caring for a baby. Or how isolating, lonely, miserable and at times, scary, it can be.

Wanting to return to work is not an admission of failure. Plenty people will relate to that. Please go easy on yourself. It does get less boring as your baby develops into a 'person'.

Do you have a car? How is he in the car? Does he cry or is he at least quiet? If so, throw child in car, drive somewhere pretty, stare into space.

If no car, ditto with buggy (I know it doesn't help when the weather is shite).

Book him into a childminder 1 morning a week (shouldn't be too expensive for just one morning).

Hopefully, hopefully, you should be nearing the end of the reflux hell soon, if he's 6 months.

Force yourself to do baby groups- 9 out of 10 could be inane chatter, and in the tenth you could find yourself in a fascinating discussion about the sonic frequencies of the Northern Lights (no, really ).

I'm a LP, and with DS1 I declared myself self employed and started building a business, just so that I could get childcare tax credits, get out of the house and do something more enjoyable.

I can totally understand! I found being alone (with baby of course) really tough! No adult conversation, endless playgroups/swimming/sensory classes. In the end I actually developed quite bad anxiety and post natal ocd (who knew that existed?!). I think spending all that time alone was not good for me. Returning to work saved me. I love my boy dearly but I need something else for my brain to do.

You are completely normal. I think if you are the introverted type and used to getting 'me time' to recharge it really is like a bomb going off in your life. It does get easier, honestly. Maybe you just have lower expectations after a while but also babies are quite boring really. They become so much more interesting as they get older.

I'm 21 Angel

I don't have a car but he sleeps in my dads when we go out together and he does in the buggy, usually I go out for big walks but the crap weather is ruining it.

I go to one group, which is great and I really like it, and he likes it too. I'm putting him in nursery for one day soon just to give me a break, but I feel guilty about that too.

Thanks for the comments I don't feel so bad now

Hi OP
You're bored because it's boring! That doesn't make you a bad mum. The thing I found hardest of all was not having any free time to think my own thoughts - sounds like you feel a bit the same if you were used to hanging out in the library etc. Being on call constantly and covered in sick 24/7 isn't adorable. It's demoralising.

But you can actually have some of that unstructured fun again. You just have to reconfigure it so the unplanned days you have are with your baby not on your own. DS2 had severe reflux and never slept. (And screamed all day long.) But I found he was better outside. I just packed a bag every morning with snacks for us both and bottles of formula for him, spare clothes and nappies stored under the buggy and we'd head off for the day. We spent almost no time at home at all. You can go to museums and markets, galleries and walks in the park or along the canal/sea/river. It's easy when they are still immobile in a buggy. Gets more limiting when they are toddlers and want to walk at snail's pace everywhere.

I second reading "what mothers do" by naomi stadlen. I had a difficult birth and couldn't breastfeed either and really hit the skids (had PND) when DD was around 6 months too with the guilt, shock, feelings of losing my identity etc. The book was a major instigator in my getting better and made me realise that first time motherhood is incredibly challenging and difficult for many, many mums. The ones that take to it like ducks to water are quite rare! I also had some great support from my health visitor and got referred to a mums support group where the babies were looked after in a crèche whilst mums shared their experiences. There's also home start which is a volunteer run service where someone will come to your house and do basically whatever you want - do the dishes, play with your DC while you rest, hang out, etc. If you have a good HV that is a great place to start, or a sympathetic GP. I was terrified of admitting I was struggling in case they took DD away (!) which in retrospect was partly the depression talking - the professionals just want to help mums cope as much as possible and see you enjoying life again in time. Don't feel scared about asking for support, be kind to yourself and try and get hold of the Stadlen book.

and for you OP xx

I've always said I would have had more DC if they got dropped off with me at 12 months...

Me too. Dd1 was easy peasy, but with Dd2, I definitely thought "what have I done?" and felt so guilty about it, because she was such a longed for baby.

Now she's two and it's marvellous. I love having a toddler and I love my two together.

You're not a crap mum and it does get easier.

Yep, I said the same about 'bring 'em when they're bigger!'

Do not under any circumstances feel guilty about putting him in nursery. You will be so much happier and it will all seem much more manageable.

It's normal. You're doing a super job, I promise!

I was 21 when I had my ds and had no friends with babies, and am a very introverted person so found it so hard to go out to groups and make new friends! Do try though. If you don't like a group after a few tries, don't go, but persist with others. It's good if you can do something most days at this age, for your benefit not his! We did swimming, singing, stay and play and then I was glad for a few days at home haha.

Have you got a sling? Visit a sling library if you can, there are options for people with joint problems and it can help make doing things easier, especially with reflux babies.

6mo is grim. Does he sit up yet? That helps a bit, mine was awful until he could crawl at 9mo and then he was much happier, amused himself more and slept better. It does get easier, hang in there!

I remember the first year of DS's life, every day seemed like a week and I felt centuries old. I couldn't wait for him to get older and develop a proper personality. It's so difficult and doesn't help if you are lonely.

Do get out with the pushchair and walk, even if the weather is bad. If possible try to get to baby groups - anything to be less isolated.

I used to wait on the doorstep for DH to come home, I was so desperate for adult company... hope it gets better for you soon

Horse I have a sling, I like it but he's massive and so can only use it for short periods of times. He doesn't sit, he won't do it when I try to get him to, he just wants to crawl or stand. He can move about 4 inches and that's it!

Reflux clinginess and not sleeping are awful, brought me to the brink of physical and mental breakdown with DS1. Is he on medication for reflux? Is it working? Try to get out as much as you can - RedFlag and notagiraffe have good ideas. You are not a bad mother, it's hard work and can be tedious in the extreme. All worth it of course and it does get better.

He's on omeprazole and it helps but it's still bad. They've also found he has an enlarged turbinate in his nose which is making him sick so I'm waiting to see a specialist

In that case he might like a baby walker - you know one of those things that looks like a dalek? Or a jumperoo. My kids loved the jumperoo!

Wrt slings, I have one where they can be loaded onto your back rather than front - may be better for you?