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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Increasing numbers of married men in their 30s and 40s...

104 replies

bodenbiscuit · 12/02/2016 09:12

Being friends with 18 years old girls and then liking all their photos. It seems to be an increasing thing I see on Facebook.

I think this is really inappropriate. It doesn't affect me personally, but if I was the wife of one of these men I certainly wouldn't like it. Also, as the mother of three girls, two of whom are approaching this sort of age, I would be very unhappy if this happened to them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ToastDemon · 13/02/2016 11:13

Actually, in most contexts I'd find it at minimum mildly uncomfortable if someone of the opposite sex, DH excluded, felt the need to comment on my appearance.
People should keep personal comments to themselves. I'm not interested in what some random bloke thinks of my hair.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 13/02/2016 11:25

I'm with you OP.

A friends DH suddenly became FB friends with all their DD's friends (age17/18). My newsfeed was clogged with pictures of all these girls that he'd "liked", pouting in front of mirrors and all dressed up for nights out. I found it creepy as fuck and totally cringey, so I deleted him.

duplodancer · 13/02/2016 11:31

Yuck. YANBU

Kidnapped · 13/02/2016 11:44

Urgh.

Wonder how many of them are also friends with 18 year old young men on Facebook? And take the time to like their photos and compliment them on their pictures?

I'm going to guess not so many. But then I am rather cynical. I see I am not alone on this thread.

Lifeisontheup2 · 13/02/2016 11:47

So should I be creeped out by a gay friend telling me my hair looks nice?

I'm quite happy for men (or women) I know and are friends with to say I look nice, really doesn't bother me or make me think they want to shag me! I wouldn't call friends, either male or female, random.

If a stranger in the street said it, then yes, I would find that odd but friends? No, that's fine.

goldensquirrel · 13/02/2016 14:05

I wouldn't like my DH commenting on a much younger colleague's hair or appearance but he dislikes FB so that isn't going to happen online. In a work capacity I don't think he's likely to do that in person- he wouldn't notice. He once asked me to pick him up as a young trainee female Architect was in the office with him and suddenly started crying about the workload- she wasn't on his team so there wasn't much he could do. It was only the two of them in the office and he asked me what he should do as it was very awkward- he then asked me to pick him up so he could say he had to help with the children. He's a kind person but he didn't want to be in that position with her. As a senior Architect on a different project there wasn't anything he could practically do anyway. I therefore think you have to be a 'cocky' kind of man to make personal remarks and would be suspicious of the behaviour if it was my partner.

I have a nineteen year old cousin on FB that asked to be my friend. He's continually sharing stuff that I find offensive and suggestive. I can't believe he's a university student. I am 38 so I think I will hide this stuff.

JohnLuther · 13/02/2016 16:07

So complementing someone is cocky behaviour?

ToastDemon · 13/02/2016 16:18

I think one should be very wary of making personal comments about someone's appearance, yes.

JohnLuther · 13/02/2016 16:28

Ok then.

HooseRice · 13/02/2016 17:30

Liking someone's Facebook updates isn't the same as fucking them. Hmm

JohnLuther · 13/02/2016 18:13

That's the point I'm trying to make Grin

Some of the posters seem insecure, especially if your DH 'liking' a photo angered you enough to tell him that it was unacceptable.

CottonFrock · 13/02/2016 18:34

Actually, in most contexts I'd find it at minimum mildly uncomfortable if someone of the opposite sex, DH excluded, felt the need to comment on my appearance. People should keep personal comments to themselves. I'm not interested in what some random bloke thinks of my hair.

I agree entirely, Toast, but presumably in the case of FB, the owner of the new haircut/nosejob/whatever has posted a selfie on FB entitled 'New Haircut!!!' thereby implicitly inviting people to comment. I don't use FB at all, but there have been dozens of threads on here over recent months complaining about someone not 'liking' some post they considered significant - based purely on this, is it not possible these men are simply automatically clicking 'like', because they feel they're supposed to?

We live in a different country to all four of my three-year-old's grandparents, so use Instagram (as well as Skype) so that they can see him regularly. My PILS click 'like' on every single photo, including ones taken by mistake which are of my shoes/the ceiling etc.

JohnLuther · 13/02/2016 18:41

Yeah for example one of my friends posting a picture of Facebook that was showcasing her weight loss, she's younger than me. Myself and several dozen others 'liked' the photo and said 'Well done, you look amazing' etc, my wife did not confront me and tell me it was inappropriate, so why is someone showcasing a haircut etc fair game for wives to lose their shit?

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 13/02/2016 18:59

JL - so it seems you're trying to justify it because you did it yourself.

I am sure everyone knows this is all about context. Liking anyone's posts always conveys some sort of interest in them. Some of the time it may not be creepy but most of the time it is. I say this as someone who regularly has people hitting on me in Facebook and so I do think some people wish to use it in that way. It's not just about what you are doing either, but what you are seen to be doing and how it looks from another perspective. I think people who say it's normal are being disingenuous tbh,

OP posts:
DeoGratias · 13/02/2016 19:43

We all know what these men mean - they find the other person sexually attractive and in their dreams would like to get off with her, ditto when they tell a colleague she looks nice (and by the way don't do that at work ever, you plonkers - there is no need and it's not on and we don't want it). If you want to tell a woman she looks like why not tell your wife that?

Cat2014 · 13/02/2016 20:05

I didn't 'lose my shit' and I didnt say it was unacceptable - I said inappropriate!
Seems it's about 50 50 on here anyway..

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 11:17

I'm not trying to justify anything but there are some truly batshit opinions in this thread, how is liking a status or picture creepy? I've already said that I don't like pictures where my friends are doing the whole massive cleavage and duck face thing as I think it's sad but there's nothing wrong with anybody commenting on a picture of a new haircut or weigh loss etc.

Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 14/02/2016 11:41

Well I disagree, John Luther. Comments about someone's appearance are completely unnecessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
bodenbiscuit · 14/02/2016 11:41

Particularly when it's someone young enough to be your daughter!

OP posts:
DeoGratias · 14/02/2016 12:09

John, it's just the massive gulf between men and women on some of these issues. We might say men are batshit to think it's not fine to say how good a female work collegue looks. Instead let men and women learn from each other on this thread and men stop saying these things and women realise that some men (althoughn not most) say they like it even if they don't intend to get into the knickers of said woman.

Look at that stupid senior lawyer who said a much younger hot one's photo was the best photo on facebook when she approached him about work. The newspapesr then found he'd commented on line about his daughter's photo that his daughter was sexy or hot. That is just idiotic and stupid and was bound to bounce back on him. By all means congratulate your daughter in public on her getting a first from Oxford but not on how sexy her body looks in a bikini if you've any sense.

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 15:23

Ok I'll bear that in mind the next time a friend posts a picture of their new haircut Hmm

AnyFucker · 14/02/2016 15:34

Petulance. A most unattractive trait.

DrSeussRevived · 14/02/2016 15:36

Why the hell are people Facebook friends with their colleagues? LinkedIn is for work, Facebook is for fun.

I mean, leave aside the sexy picture stuff - do you want colleagues, in particular ones either senior or junior to you, seeing pictures of you with family, on a night out, kissing your other half or whatever?

JohnLuther · 14/02/2016 15:38

Good job I'm not trying to be attractive AF Grin

araiba · 14/02/2016 16:22

maybe op has noticed it more as they are now in their 30/40s and so are all their friends.

and its quite likely these people at that age are now starting to have children aged around 18