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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has had cosmetic surgery

86 replies

cushion53 · 12/02/2016 08:30

He's over 60 and has done this before. I went away for a few days and when I got back I noticed his face looked different. I asked him about it and at first he denied everything. After a few days I asked him again and he admitted he's had threads put in under the skin to lift his jowls. This isn't the first time he has done this. He has had a nose job, eye lifts, mini face lift, chemical peel etc. He knows I absolutely hate anything like this. He always does it behind my back when I travel. I think it's pathetic and have told him he will end up looking like Mickey Rourke. Our 2 teenage kids would think he's a laughing stock if they found out. I'm thinking of walking out. AIBU?

OP posts:
MadamCroquette · 12/02/2016 09:13

Then he can go somewhere else surely.

Get a divorce, see lawyers, pay what you need to pay to get him out of your hair, and disengage - after a divorce settlement he's not your problem. You'll still have your own earning power and some capital presumably.

Original poster
cushion53 · 12/02/2016 09:15

MadamCroquette, yes, you are right...

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 12/02/2016 09:16

There are a lot more expenses for surgery than just the surgeon's time, so I would be very suspicious of a claim he got it for free. But to your main question - YWBU to leave him simply because he had elective surgery you don't personally like. YWNBU to leave him because you don't like being married to him any more, regardless of the mix of things that causes you to not like being married to him.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2016 09:18

Sounds like you hate him in general. Get a divorce.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2016 09:19

Why would you have to support 2 houses ?

Divorce him. Sell your current home and give him his fair share of any equity. There are no dependent children so should be straight forward.

Then you never have to see his (ridiculously altered) face again.

And yes, my reply would be the same if the genders were reversed. Do we have to qualify every post with that statement now, incidentally ?

Bree85 · 12/02/2016 09:20

Well. Just let him be for the meantime if that makes him happy. As long as its his money he is spending, that is not a problem.

ScarletForYa · 12/02/2016 09:22

Just seen the update. So he's a cocklodger, you don't like him. Divorce him OP. Then he can't 'come back'.

BlueJug · 12/02/2016 09:22

I am sorry OP - that sounds hard. Not the surgery itself but the whole set-up. Extricating yourself is not going to be easy.

ScarletForYa · 12/02/2016 09:23

Why would you have to support two houses? If he can't support himself that's his problem.

NickiFury · 12/02/2016 09:25

I think it's his face and body and he can do what he likes with it within reason.

AnyFucker · 12/02/2016 09:26

Extrication yourself should be a piece of piss ...if you really want to, that is

Many women are tied with young dc and no way to support themselves. You are not.

Jettison the dick head.

Yes, I would say the same if the genders were reversed.

Mumberjack · 12/02/2016 09:29

I think the bigger issue is that he has lied about it before and went to get it done without your knowledge - surely you'd be next of kin so it's in your interest to know what's happening just in case there were to be any complications with the surgery/procedures?

Facelift or not, if you hate sleeping with him, that's the core of it.

Original poster
cushion53 · 12/02/2016 09:32

ScarlettForYa, what's a 'cocklodger' ??

OP posts:
VertigoNun · 12/02/2016 09:33

I guess instead of working on himself he is working on his face. Clearly as you hate him it's best you divorce.

MrsKoala · 12/02/2016 09:36

Well on the surgery alone i don't see anything wrong with it, i will probably have all of those procedures (apart from a nose job - but i will have a boob job probably) over the next 20 years. However, i wouldn't lie about it and my DH doesn't care.

You can leave anyone over any reason. If you don't like cosmetic surgery then that is your right.

I wouldn't appreciate the lying and also you seem to have other issues too which is probably compounding your disgust for this latest surgery. When you don't like someone everything they do is magnified, so you may be disproportionately focussing on the surgery when in actual fact you just hate him. In which case you should end it really and stop being miserable and angry.

Original poster
cushion53 · 12/02/2016 09:39

Thanks so much everyone

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 12/02/2016 09:49

are you married to Shane Warne?

Katenka · 12/02/2016 09:53

On the issue of cosmetic surgery Yabu.

He isn't telling you because he knows you will get shitty. If he wants to do it, it's really up to him. Kicking off about it and telling him he will look ridiculous in an attempt to stop him is controlling.

There are obviously issues in your marriage and it's difficult to work out if you just have complete distain for him in general or he is a knob.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 12/02/2016 09:55

I know its not what's supposed to happen but I did a search on your username and saw your previous thread about your situation. It was posted about 3 years ago and here you are 3 years down the line, 3 years older, 3 years angrier, 3 years more fed up, 3 years more jaded, 3 years more taken the mickey out of. Its no life for anyone and if you don't make up your mind to get out of your situation this time round you're going to be sitting there in another 3 years feeling a whole lot worse. Life really is too short to be living the way you are and someone as able as you appear to be will be ok, you just need to find the courage to jump.

Your twins will be Ok, and they might even say - what took you so long? And they most definitely will say - don't stay miserable for our sake.

Your husband will also be ok, he'll always be ok - look how well he's managed to cope up to now!

And just to add, Im now 3 years into a separation that involves life in a different country etc and though its been hard after a lifetime of being married Im now enjoying life and feeling content. It doesn't happen over night and I will always feel an amount of sadness at the way things turned out, but it was no excuse to stay in a situation where I was miserable and not thought very much of.

I dont know how old your are but I can promise you this - you do get to an age where the years start to go by really quickly and before you know it you'll have lived most of your life and with not very many great memories to think back on. Don't do it to yourself!

ToastDemon · 12/02/2016 09:56

It's his face and he can indeed do what he likes with it as long as you're not funding it (which it sounds like you might be).
However, you are perfectly entitled to find his vanity absolutely revolting and grim.

ewbank · 12/02/2016 10:03

Divorce him.

He can only come back if you let him.

JapaneseSlipper · 12/02/2016 10:05

"I don't know why I hate it. I dislike it in anyone. To me it smacks of narcissism and vanity. And the fact that he tries to hide it and lies about it to me annoys me."

The reason he sneaks out and does it is because you would shame him otherwise.

You are not in the right here. "Vanity"? Who are you, a scary Irish priest from 1930? If you don't like the man, you should separate, but the cosmetic surgery is absolutely his choice.

JapaneseSlipper · 12/02/2016 10:07

Seen update - yep, leave. Why wouldn't you? Good luck x

ScarletForYa · 12/02/2016 10:15

A cocklodger is a man who financially parasites off a woman.

OzzieFem · 12/02/2016 10:48

Usually if a person in a relationship suddenly starts smartening themselves up, there is a third person somewhere in the picture . Any possibility his friend, the plastic surgeon who gives him FREE cosmetic surgery, is that third person?