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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To avoid this mum? (Yes, a school gates dilemma)

86 replies

Campaspe · 11/02/2016 15:52

I hang out with a group of mums. Our kids play together at times, and we socialise together. One other mum makes me uneasy. She seems awkward and lacking in social skills, and I felt a bit sorry for her as she seemed friendless. She seemed to latch onto me a bit, and our DDs became friends. I found her a bit boring, and a bit snide at times, and tried to see her only as part of the group.

Our DDs have had some friendship problems recently, typical 9 yo girls blowing hot & cold with it. I've kept a discreet eye on it, but I'm trying to let DD figure it out alone as much as possible.

Other mum tried to text me about it, and I advised her we should ignore etc etc. Since then, things have felt awkward between us. To make it worse, DD's teacher phoned me to say this mum has been in (the implication was to complain about my DD & the friendship issues). Other mums have told me this mum regularly visits the school, & my DD seems upset & puzzled by this. From what I can see, their friendship is up & down, no bullying is going on, & my DD is left on her own whilst this other child plays with other children. All fair enough.

I'm polite to this mum, include her in group stuff, avoid conversions if I can politely do so, but feel I want nothing much to do with her. However, I feel guilty as she stands alone if I don't explicitly invite her to join the conversation, and the other mums aren't keenkeen to get caught by her.

Aibu to restrict our relationship in this way, and why do I feel both guilty & manipulated by her at the same time?

OP posts:
Washediris · 11/02/2016 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SisterMoonshine · 11/02/2016 17:47

I don't like it that it's seen as 'going in to complain' about other children.
I popped in for a chat with my DD's teacher recently as my DD was ever so upset about friends: not wanting to go in to school, crying a lot, losing sleep etc.
I wasn't complaining about any individuals. And the teacher (like yours) went on to do some class work on friendship etc.
I got a phonecall from one mum cross with me for going in to the school to complain about her DD. Not true, I would rather my DD and hers were friends. But that mum is funny with me since.

bumblefeline · 11/02/2016 17:47

I can be quite socially awkward and quite shy. I did 'hang' out with a group of mums and when the girls in my dd's class got to the end of primary lots of nastiness started, I did the same as the mum above, went quietly to the school.

The whole group fell out with me and sided with the other mum, who's dd was being quite mean to my dd. I now stand on my own mainly now.

SisterMoonshine · 11/02/2016 17:51

oh, and the mum did try and reach out to you first. You said you were ignoring it. What else could she do?

Original poster
Campaspe · 11/02/2016 17:51

Thanks for the comments; food for thought.

Just to clarify a few points: I am polite to this mum, and include her as a matter of course when I'm arranging outings.

The teacher told my DD that this other mum had been in touch, but didn't say more than that. Teacher seemed a bit vague when she told me, lots of talk about the girls being upset, playground conflict, couldn't get to the bottom of it etc. My DD doesn't understand why this other mum has done this.

My reason for posting is to try to understand myself a bit more than this other mum I think. I'm puzzled about why I feel I must do more to look after her, especially when I don't like her! And of course, I resent any criticism of my DD. Other mum has EVERY right to go into the school and say anything she likes about her own child, but I don't want to know or be involved unless my DD is clearly doing something wrong or is clearly upset. Not aware that other child has SEN, but of course there could be many other considerations that I don't know about, and I'm happy not to know about them!

OP posts:
cornishglos · 11/02/2016 17:53

Does it hurt to be polite and kind to someone?

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 11/02/2016 17:54

The first paragraph of your OP almost reads like a reverse.

I feel sorry for this woman, and her dd.

PerspicaciaTick · 11/02/2016 18:11

Your OP sounds a bit as though you are the self-appointed gatekeeper regarding this mum's access to other parents and the school.
E.g.
You don't want her to talk to the school and are cross that she has chosen to do so.
You think that the best solution to friendship issues is to ignore them and are annoyed that the other mother doesn't agree when you hve told her how you want it handled.
You invite her into your friendship group, despite the fact your other friends aren't keen (and it isn't 100% clear that the other mum is seeking out this contact or just trying to respond politely to your inclusion).

I'm sorry if I'm reading too much into a few sentences on the internet, but I do agree with others that you should back off. Allow the children to do their thing, of course, but also allow the other mum to speak to the school if she has concerns about her child. If she tries to contact you direct, just point her back to the school. Don't go out of your way to involve her, it is possible to be pleasant without being friends.

LittleBeautyBelle · 11/02/2016 18:14

What has this other mom said that was snide?

BastardGoDarkly · 11/02/2016 18:20

Don't 'look after her' then, you're hardly doing her any favours, since you don't like her, and think she's snide (who's talking about who to the other mums?) None of 'your' group like her either, so do the poor cow a favour and leave her out of any further 'outings'.

Thank God I'm not involved with any of the school mums.

Soooosie · 11/02/2016 18:21

It's fine for the parent to talk to the teacher about worries. The mother might actually be happy on her own.

Soooosie · 11/02/2016 18:22

You don't need to include her. She can look after herself

ShortcutButton · 11/02/2016 18:26

The teacher sounds terrible. Why is she feeding you and your dd information about other others visits, and stirring up trouble?

Ambroxide · 11/02/2016 18:27

she stands alone if I don't explicitly invite her to join the conversation

This is me! I don't want to talk to any of the other mothers. About 80% of them are fruitcakes.

Itsmine · 11/02/2016 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gandalf456 · 11/02/2016 18:32

I think it was a mistake for her to contact you directly about her child. These things rarely go well and she would have been better off going discreetly to the school. I've always found that this approach works better. The teachers are trained to handle it and we're not.

I think it's fine to keep your distance if she's not your type. I don't see the point in trying to nurture a friendship that doesn't really exist. I have done that all my life and have spent too much time with people that I don't really have much in common with. I think you should get a lot of joy from your friendship and sometimes be a little bit selfish about it. I think the people that do that -and I don't because that's not the way I was brought up - tend to be happier and have better times and probably overall end up being better friends because they're not constantly trying to put people off and avoid them. However I think you should be polite with her purely because it's the right thing to do. I could not stop speaking to someone altogether and a slapped me off slept with my husband or something

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 11/02/2016 18:33

Tbh. You sound like you think you're doing her by speaking to her and letting her breathe the same air as you. You hang out are you all 12 years old.
Yes she flew up the school about friendship issues which Im on your side it is a bit ridiculous, but maybe her DD had gone home upset saying little Camp wouldn't let me play and the mum has been caught at a bad moment and she'd reacted on impulse.

Why is the teacher phoning you to tell you about a parent coming into the school. That has breach of confidentiality written all over it. TBH

WhoaCadburys · 11/02/2016 18:41

I feel a bit sorry for her too. You sound patronising

Rainbunny · 11/02/2016 18:42

Well OP has stated that she is polite when dealing with the other mum and it's fine to not engage beyond politeness, especially if the other mum is just not someone OP warms towards.

As for the other mum talking to the school about the dd's conflict, I sense a bit of concern from the OP, who is probably wondering exactly what was said to the teacher and whether it painted OP's dd in a bad light? If I was OP I would be worrying if my dd had been accused of bullying or something as I would want to deal with it. From what the teacher said, I don't think this is a serious thing. Perhaps this other mum is a more anxious parent and feels the need to intervene in her dd's friendship problems while OP is a stand-back and let the dds' figure it out type of parent.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 11/02/2016 18:44

Missed the word favor out from line 1.
You invite her to join in. Erm that's very kind of you.Hmm

hedgehogsdontbite · 11/02/2016 18:46

This could be me (also with ASD). Leave the woman alone. I very much doubt she wants a pity-friend who gossips about her with the other mothers, who doesn't even like her, and who then bitches about her for talking to the school when her DD is upset and her 'friend' won't discuss it with her.

sleeponeday · 11/02/2016 18:52

Teacher seemed a bit vague when she told me, lots of talk about the girls being upset, playground conflict, couldn't get to the bottom of it etc. My DD doesn't understand why this other mum has done this.

In all honesty, if a teacher called me and said that I would think it was a gentle hint that my kid wasn't exactly being a bully, but was certainly being unkind. And I suspect your D knows quite precisely why the teacher has done this, or you would have had a long and involved breakdown of this girl being annoying, and saying X, so they lost their temper and said Y.

I'm afraid your update makes me feel that this child is better away from yours. And if I were a parent hearing your version, I would be quietly advising my own child to steer clear, too. I'm not saying that to be an arse: I honestly would be wary from the way you have written about it.

sleeponeday · 11/02/2016 18:57

Or more simply: I have never heard of a school calling a parent unprompted about playground issues with a child if that child is seen as in no way a contributor to any problems.

Your seemingly blanket refusal to even consider that probability would ring alarm bells for me, very loudly. All kids can have tricksy moments, and I wouldn't worry over that - but a parent seemingly resenting the parent of the potential victim, and refusing to even look at whether they need to do some parenting, would concern me a very great deal.

witsender · 11/02/2016 19:04

How do you know there is no bullying? Sounds like the teacher is hinting that all isn't well.

paxillin · 11/02/2016 19:05

I'd say push your dd a bit more to see if she really can't see what might be the matter, she might know exactly why the girl is upset, but doesn't want to say.

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