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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? DP's eating habits

95 replies

KinkyAfro · 10/02/2016 21:19

On holiday at Christmas time, DP and I decided we'd try and get healthier ie lose some weight, do some exercise. I joined Weight Watchers mid Jan and am pleased to have lost 1 stone, 5 lbs to date. I do have a bit to lose. DP on the other hand seems to be making it his mission to eat as much as possible, every night. As an example tonight he ate 2 chicken fillets, 2 baked potatoes with lots of butter and a massive pile of sweet corn. He finished eating that at 7.30. Since then he's eaten a large bag of wine gums, 4 creme eggs and 6 Club cake bars. There's also a full pack of chocolate digestives in the pile of stuff on the coffee table.

I've said to him you can't be hungry after that dinner and he says he isn't so why is he eating all this shite? He's very sensitive if I question why he's eating it and says just because I'm eating healthily doesn't mean he has to.

His dad died of a heart attack when he was 49, DP is 46 and has mentioned a few times that he's worried about it happening to him.

I just don't know what to say to him Sad

OP posts:
stumblymonkey · 11/02/2016 11:38

He might be like me...the more people tell me I should eat differently the more I eat.

To be honest if my DP nagged me about my weight or eating habits I would eventually seriously consider calling time on the relationship.

To put it in context my DP is a super health gym-owning personal trainer with 10% body fat.

I am a size 18.

I've been everything from a size 8 to a size 22. I've lost weight multiple times and have never, ever done it because someone told me to or nagged me. The motivation comes from within and there's no amount of nagging that will replicate that. In fact you're most likely causing the increase in consumption as he is rebelling against you trying to control his habits.

Leave him be.

LaurieLemons · 11/02/2016 11:46

I'm worried about this too with my DP. We're still young and not overweight but he's even worse than me (I didn't think that was possibleBlush). Could you come to a compromise? Going to the shop every night is a joke! Must cost you loads as well. If you can get him to just stick to a weekly shop and one takeaway a week that's a start.

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 11:50

So it's my fault Stumbly? Seriously?

I'm leaving this thread now, thanks for all the advice, I will just leave him be

OP posts:
MillionToOneChances · 11/02/2016 12:55

Sorry, but I agree with Stumbly. You mean well but nagging will never help him.

PhilPhilConnors · 11/02/2016 13:02

Kinky, it's not your fault, no-one is saying that at all.

What you have in this thread is several people giving you their experiences of eating like this, how it feels, what can trigger it.
Then there are the others who don't understand and are judging the amount he eats.

This is not your problem, and you cannot solve it, upsetting as that may feel, but making any comment about it, no matter how supportive, may well be perceived as a criticism. This isn't your fault. It's not your DH's fault either, but there is probably a deeper underlying issue causing this.
Until he wants to address it, there is nothing you or anyone can do to help.

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 13:05

Without being mean, you really shouldn't be cooking two different meals when there is no need. He's a grown adult. If he doesn't want to eat what you eat, then he doesn't eat at all or he cooks his own dinner. You aren't helping him by cooking him what he wants.

I do all the cooking in our house BTW, as I enjoy it and DP doesn't. But if he was a fussy eater I certainly wouldn't be making him another dinner!

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 13:09

Just to clarify I do not nag him, I've had a couple of chats with him and a couple of jokey comments. He tells me he's scared of dying, am I wrong to offer my help or advice. He's told me time and time again that he wants to lose weight, he initiates these talks. His mum says he was like this before we met, would have his tea and then go to the shop for junk, it's nothing new, but instead of a few nights a week it's every night now.

OP posts:
PhilPhilConnors · 11/02/2016 13:14

What my dh does now if I initiate that kind of talk (which I do) is to say that he loves me whatever, and it doesn't matter to him, but if I do want his support I know it's there. And that's it.

The times when I eat more are usually times when things are getting on top of me, so instead of commenting on the food, he'll ask if I'm ok, as I seem stressed, can he help with that?

He also doesn't comment when I lose weight, as he knows now that the pressure of doing so is likely to make me eat chocolate (but that may just be me!)

I do agree with Worra, Cook one meal, if he's not happy, it's up to him to deal with it, even if he eats crap. He's an adult, you don't need to cook more and more if he's not going to eat it.

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 13:16

If he doesn't want the same as me that's his choice but whether I make it or he does, he's still going to have it so what would be the point in me refusing? I won't eat anything I don't like and I wouldn't expect anyone else to. Would you eat food you didn't like? I think at his age he's old enough to know what he does and doesn't like. It's not so much the meals that are the issue anyway, it's everything on top

OP posts:
PhilPhilConnors · 11/02/2016 13:18

Yes I understand that, but if you can you need to ignore it. Nothing you do or say will change what he does.

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 13:18

I don't have an issue cooking 2 meals, it's not a problem for me.

OP posts:
PhilPhilConnors · 11/02/2016 13:20

That's ok then.
I end up cooking different things for my DC as a couple of them are fussy little oiks! It bothers other people more than it does me.

maybebabybee · 11/02/2016 13:21

There are hardly any foods I don't like (bar mushrooms) so I can't really answer that question!

It's your choice at the end of the day but you asked for advice and my advice is stop cooking him separate, unhealthy meals. You may find he will get bored of doing it for himself and simply eat what you eat. Or if you must cook for him then try healthier versions of things he likes - like pie with just a filo pastry sheet on top and sweet potato mash, for instance.

I know you say the snacking is more the issue, but there is no way frequent take away and meals like pie and mash are helping, and they are easier to control.

Katenka · 11/02/2016 14:06

No one is saying its your fault or that you shouldn't be worried.

But the jokey comments often hurt. The discussions often do and trigger the negative behaviour.

We know it's wrong and somewhere inside we don't want to do it.

Louise43210 · 11/02/2016 14:13

Hubby used to be a bit like that (not as much food though) then he had two things happen. One he went to doctors for well man check up, told he had high cholesterol, two he then got into cycling. Much better now, he's a mamil (middle aged man in Lycra). I'm starting to join him. Is there an exercise you would both enjoy?

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 14:34

Hi Louise. He also has high cholesterol! We bought bikes last year, he's used his once. I love going on the cross trainer but he just says he cant be bothered. He does like walking but not on weekdays, just weekends, and we can walk for miles.

OP posts:
musicmaiden · 11/02/2016 15:55

It sounds like the problem is weekdays, really. If he works very hard and very long hours he's probably just too knackered to motivate himself, feels like he deserves 'a treat', and when it's cold and dark it's way easier to slump in front of the TV than go for a walk/get changed and exercise. I assume there is nothing he can do about his working hours or (possible) job stress?

All you can do, I think, is to carry on with your own regime, and try to keep the focus very much off him for now. Hope that as spring rolls around and the days get longer and lighter that he might feel ready to do something more positive. If he does talk to you about his early-death worries again, I'd say: well you know what you need to do, and when you're ready, I'm here to help. Unfortunately, he has take charge of himself, and you can't do it for him. I feel for you.

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 16:16

Totally get where you're coming from maiden. I'm going to carry on doing what I'm doing and if he wants to talk or whatever I'll be there to listen. I luffs him Smile and I want him to be around a lot longer

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 11/02/2016 19:54

I totally get where you're coming from. My DH is worryingly overweight. I've tried the gentle nagging, and even the conversation about how selfish he's being not looking after himself because it impacts on myself and our daughter, but it still doesn't do anything.

I try to be a good example and encourage exercise, but he won't do anything until he is ready and I have had to come to terms with that.

ameliaesmith · 03/03/2016 08:43

you go girl!

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