Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? DP's eating habits

95 replies

KinkyAfro · 10/02/2016 21:19

On holiday at Christmas time, DP and I decided we'd try and get healthier ie lose some weight, do some exercise. I joined Weight Watchers mid Jan and am pleased to have lost 1 stone, 5 lbs to date. I do have a bit to lose. DP on the other hand seems to be making it his mission to eat as much as possible, every night. As an example tonight he ate 2 chicken fillets, 2 baked potatoes with lots of butter and a massive pile of sweet corn. He finished eating that at 7.30. Since then he's eaten a large bag of wine gums, 4 creme eggs and 6 Club cake bars. There's also a full pack of chocolate digestives in the pile of stuff on the coffee table.

I've said to him you can't be hungry after that dinner and he says he isn't so why is he eating all this shite? He's very sensitive if I question why he's eating it and says just because I'm eating healthily doesn't mean he has to.

His dad died of a heart attack when he was 49, DP is 46 and has mentioned a few times that he's worried about it happening to him.

I just don't know what to say to him Sad

OP posts:
greenfolder · 11/02/2016 06:37

There is nothing you can do. He may realise at a point. He may not. Food is an addiction for some. Develop a thick skin and carry on with your weight loss journey.

winchester1 · 11/02/2016 09:01

I actually think you have a point there john I can get quite panicky if I know we are going out to the countryside for 5-6 hrs and haven't planned what / where to eat. OH finds that really strange as clearly nothing bad is going to happen to us if we end up missing lunch one day.

Believeitornot · 11/02/2016 09:05

I'm astounded at the volume of food. Well junk not food.

And feeling hunger pangs isn't the end of the world Hmm

Madness.

He isn't supporting you at all. When I decided to eat healthily I talked to dh and we agreed a way to do it together.

If dh then decided to stuff his face with a lot of crap (he must be enormous 😱) I'd be pretty pissed off.

Fourormore · 11/02/2016 09:13

Stop trying. It won't work and anything you try will likely make him worse. I'd imagine he's ashamed, even if he doesn't show it. He's admitted to being afraid about dying young and yet his behaviour is making that more likely - and he will know that. There's something complex going on here and until he is ready, he will not be able to change.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 11/02/2016 09:15

I started Slimming World this year and am determine to lose weight. I'd like to lose 5 stone.

I ate like this, and just couldn't stop. There was nothing that would stop me, apart from me. I didn't start SW before Xmas as I knew it would be a waste of time and money - I just wasn't in the right mindset.

I've had arguments with a friend of mine about this though. She is very much a 'I gained weight because I ate too much. Therefore, I will change my habits'. And she has. She has lost 4 stone in 6 months. She just doesn't understand binge eating (which I do) emotional eating (which I also do) and eating through boredom (ding ding ding!). I don't understand how she can have such amazing willpower and not have fallen off the wagon.

You can't change him. He needs to see it himself. No idea how you would do that Flowers it's hard enough when it's yourself.

Katenka · 11/02/2016 09:35

Separate your eating with his.

They are two independent things.

You carry on sticking to yours.

Getting angry at him won't help. Getting annoyed at him won't help. He will end up feeling worse and probably eating in secret. I know this because I was like that. Dh never said anything but I could see the disapproving looks. I took to hiding food in my car, underwear drawers etc.

I have lost 6 stone quite easily, because I came to it eventually, on my own.

Making him feel worse isn't going to help

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 09:51

I don't get angry or annoyed with him, I try and keep I jokey, saying stuff like "you can't still be hungry" or "you must be full now". I honestly don't think there's anything deeper going on, I do think there's an element of boredom eating going on though. He gets in from work, has his tea, watches telly and eats. He spent £400 on a cross trainer just after Christmas, he hasn't stepped on it since he assembled it. I try to get him to come out when I take the dogs for a walk after work but he won't. We do go out walking of a weekend and he's quite happy to, but he says after work he just can't be bothered. He rarely eats the same food as me, he says he doesn't fancy what I'm having. He's very set in his ways with regards to food, a typical week would be pie, oven chips & beans at least twice, and he'll have at least one takeaway. The only meals we have the same are a Sunday roast (he cooks), Saturday night tea which is usually steak, and the chicken etc once in the week

Am hoping that I can stick to my healthy eating and he might take note

OP posts:
SquirrelledAway · 11/02/2016 09:58

I was going to suggest trying to get him out of the house in the evening so he's not sat being bored and with junk food at hand but its sounds like you've already tried that.

There was a documentary a while ago about how fat and sugar create a perfect storm of (a) being addictive and (b) stopping your body from knowing when it's had enough.

Would he be motivated at all by something like a Fitbit that tracks steps / calories / sleep etc?

Katenka · 11/02/2016 10:02

I don't get angry or annoyed with him, I try and keep I jokey, saying stuff like "you can't still be hungry" or "you must be full now".

But that's not helpful. It's judgmental. Or at least will be taken that way.

It's difficult to explain unless you have been there. You know you shouldn't do it, but the compulsion is there and people saying things like this (even in a jokey way) doesn't help and makes you feel worse and then eat more.

But you are getting annoyed (I understand it's frustrating) and He will be picking up on it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/02/2016 10:05

I can understand that if he wasn't as serious about getting in shape as you he might not have adjusted portion size or make careful decisions about what constitutes a well-balanced meal. Guzzling sweets like that is something else. As Fourormore observed, something complex is underlying this.

As anything you say is apparently "preachy" I suppose it's not worth advising him, eg pointing out he would do better to have breakfast and not have fizzy drinks, "diet" or not.

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 10:05

I'm definitely not being judgemental I'm just scared for his health

OP posts:
Janeymoo50 · 11/02/2016 10:10

Blimey, all that sugar! He may be secretly envious of how well you are doing and is "comfort eating" to make him feel better.

Katenka · 11/02/2016 10:13

I don't think you are getting it.

When you are in this cycle someone saying 'you can't still be hungry' is upsetting. It is judgmental because you are telling him he shouldn't be eating it.

Commenting on people's food can cause all sorts of problems. There have been several threads from people who have ED who get upset when people comment. It can cause relapses. Just commenting on food can be deeply upsetting

I totally get that you are worried and frustrated. But the comments don't help. Even when said in a jokey way.

MattDillonsPants · 11/02/2016 10:13

You may be scared for his health OP but he has an addiction and as a former addict, I can promise you that he KNOWS what he is doing is wrong. It will haunt him at certain times....but you nagging him is not supporting him.

Whitney168 · 11/02/2016 10:16

stop the diet talk, cook healthy food and leave him be

Absolutely this. I am capable of reacting similarly to him (although blimey he is going for it) and the more hassle people give me, the worse I would get.

Cook him nice meals that are very tasty (if food is bland, I could eat a bucket of it and still feel hungry), and just leave him be entirely to sort his head out on the rest of it - because as most people with weight issues know, it's more about the head than the stomach.

itsbetterthanabox · 11/02/2016 10:19

My partner likes to binge eat sweet things of an evening. He just enjoys nibbling. We've been doing slimming world so lately he's done it with free food. The other day a whole punnet of grapes! Or 4 chopped up apples. But he seems to be happy doing it. Replacing the junk with fruit even if it is still sugary he's getting his sweet fix but much lower calorie and more nutritious. I don't get it, I'd rather have nothing than that many grapes!

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2016 10:20

OP, you say he cooks on a Sunday, so does that mean it's you who cooks him pie, oven chips & beans etc during the week?

If so, tell him you're cooking one meal only and it's going to be a healthy one.

If he can't be bothered to do anything after work except watch TV, he's unlikely to want to cook his own dinner every evening.

LionsLedge · 11/02/2016 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 11/02/2016 10:40

I'm loving how this is OPs fault!

"Cook something tastier", "Don't buy the snacks"!

It's the self fulfilling prophesy, isn't it?

He seems determined to eat himself to a heart attack!

I think all you can do is try to talk about why he does it, can you help him at all & that's it.

MattDillonsPants · 11/02/2016 10:50

Diddl Bang on!

"cook something healthier" Hmm it's not OP's job to feed him like a child!

diddl · 11/02/2016 10:55

I'm also thinking that if Op's losing weight then what she's cooking must be passing muster!

WorraLiberty · 11/02/2016 10:59

The OP has said that her DH doesn't usually fancy what she's having for dinner.

She then goes on to say that he often has pie, oven chips and beans, apart from on a Sunday when he cooks a roast.

Therefore if it transpires that the OP is cooking two separate dinners, I think she should stop doing that just because he doesn't 'fancy' what she's cooking.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/02/2016 11:00

Changing the subject a little it seems a shame your DH isn't interested in walking the dogs during the week. I know it's cold out and probably dark by the time he gets in from work but they still need exercise. And it would help his fitness.

Original poster
KinkyAfro · 11/02/2016 11:14

I'm going to bow out now as I'm getting frustrated. I cant force him to eat what I eat which by the way isn't bland or bad. I have curries, spag bol, stir fries, pasta bakes, omelettes, lots of variety. I'm not going to cook it for him and it be wasted. I cook most nights yes, as I'm in before him so I'll ask him what he wants. He won't eat spicy food, doesn't like much in the way of sauces, isn't a big fan of veg so what do I do?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/02/2016 11:20

What you do is tell him you're cooking one meal only. Obviously you can take likes/dislikes into consideration to a degree.

But quite frankly you're doing more than enough if you have to cook dinner and walk the dogs when you get home from work, while he sits there watching TV because he can't be bothered.