DS strangled at school, twice. AIBU? (Long sorry)

[ScoutsMam]

I am trying not to over or under react here. Looking for some sensible Mumsnet advice.

DS has had issues with being bullied since September when he started high school. I put complaints in writing and asked for a copy of the schools anti-bullying policy.

The bully was warned, I was told teachers would keep an eye out and I would be kept informed of any issues. I was told this over the phone. I never got a written response to my complaint or a copy of the anti-bullying policy.

Tonight DS told us that he was strangled going between buildings by another student. He also disclosed that this happened last week too, in the presence of a teacher. The student was sent to a support worker. No one checked DS, no one informed us.

I am currently in the stage of the white hot rage that comes when someone's hurt your child. I don't blame the bully, honestly. I do blame the school for not protecting my son and not informing me of the attack. DS is a worrier and is aware that the other student has a difficult home life and a support worker at school so didn't tell us until today as he is at an age where he understands that sometimes 'naughty' behaviour is a result of more than "he's a nasty bully".

The school has it's own police officer, and form for not dealing with bullying.

How do I deal with this to protect DS? If someone had strangled him in the street and needed adult intervention to stop it I'd ring the police.

At the moment I feel I should tell the school if this happens again I will contact the police and go straight above the school to complain using the fact that I've previously asked them to provide anti-bullying policy and they have not as justification for not complaining to school. Plus, complaining to the school seems silly, as they are aware of last week's attack and don't seem to see it as something they need to deal with in terms of protecting my DS. DH feels we should go to the police now, if only to jolt the school into action. AIBU?

Yes Emma, nice though the man seems, I would question his professionalism. He should have ensured there were systems in place that would prevent such a breakdown of communication happening.

Well done I was just about to say the same thing! !

There obviously is a weakness in the system. Teachers needing clarification/training on who to talk to in such cases and appropriate staff available to desk with major issues.

The head sounds supportive though and not dismissive.

Really pleased that you got such a good response from the head. That all sounds positive. Hope you manage to all have a calm half term.

Police rang tonight. The young man's Mother welcomed the police and has accepted outside help. Apparently he was very worried about the police coming and it's hoped that although not nice the whole thing will be a positive event in his life. That's about all the police could tell me apart from that the boy's story matched my sons'.

The teacher's story didn't. They denied having seen ANYTHING despite two of them getting him off my son and one removing him from the room. I asked the police if the boy's version matched my sons and it did.

I have no idea where to go from here. How can I sit in meeting with these men on Monday knowing they have lied to the police to cover their own arses? Rather than admitting there was an error in how things were handled and addressing this going forward they have lied. The meeting is not about the other boy, but how to keep my son safe going forward and knowing this won't happen again. If they claim it never happened we're going to get nowhere.

The two teacher's aren't your problem. They are the head's problem. No matter how they slice it, they are going to look pretty foolish if the police are satisfied about what happened, both victim and perpetrator agree but two teachers don't.

I think you need to be clear that you need assurances and plans put in place to prevent further incidents. However, I'd sit back and enjoy the entertainment of how either the head is going to proceed due to lying members of staff or how they are going to try to wiggle their way out. Get ready to make another complaint if it is the latter.

All you need to say to them is that the police have confirmed that the boys' stories match so it is a bit strange that the teachers' ones don't... Then sit back and watch them squirm.

Thanks Soap and Chaz. I think I need to calm down, sleep on it and then come at this tomorrow with less anger. The teacher thing sounds like I'd be banging my head off a wall.

I have written to police Scotland to thank them for everything. I think they've done brilliantly balancing everyone's needs out and getting a good outcome for both sides.

Find out which governor has responsibility for safeguarding and request that s/he is present and also whoever on the staff also has responsibility for safeguarding. If both are staff members ask for community governor to be present too - will make it a headache for HT and the lying or can't be arsed teachers.
Sounds like school needs to up its procedures for the safety of all its students

I have nothing helpful to add but I've just read this thread and wanted to tell you that you seem like such a lovely mum and really considerate of the other boy's problems. I am nowhere near this stage of parenting yet but I can only imagine going apeshit. You sound like a good person OP

Maybe you could not know that the teachers' stories don't match - just by saying that the police have told you that the boy's story matches your son's story and that they believe it's an accurate representation of the event.

DOn't suppose there were any other children around that would have seen what happened or recorded it on their mobiles as further back up?

That way you're not having to say anything about the teachers - but they will know that the police don't believe them - and they can deal with that going forward. Or speak to the head teacher in advance before the teachers are in the meeting so you don't have to say anything to the teachers themselves. Do you know if the school's police officer will be at the meeting?

And I know it's a minor point - but one I'd clarify with the head teacher. Can you get him to authorise your ds's absence from school on safe guarding grounds or anything - doesn't really matter to you. But to your ds it will show him that he wasn't skiving off, the bully won't have taken away his chance to have a 100% attendance record (if they do them - I know not everybody agrees with them; that's for a different thread - but if they do them and your ds had a chance of getting one then it would be gutting to have missed it for the sake of the bully). It will also show their commitment to safeguarding their pupils if they're unable to look after their pupils safety in situations like this then what do they expect - somebody to go back to school and be at further risk? It sounds like your son fell through a crack in the system when the HT was away, so it's particularly important for him to see that you were doing the right thing in keeping him off.

Finally - another one saying well done for going into battle for your son and the other boy - it really does sound like the police getting involved will be a good thing for him.

The schools website should have all key policies on it (by Govt dictat).
You need to get

• safeguarding policy (because your child is obviously not safe in school)
• anti bullying policy
• complaints policy

You might also find the following useful

• teaching & learning policy
• behaviour policy

Also consider what outcome you want from your actions, keeping in mind what the school policies say.

I hope you get a suitable resolution soon.

No key policies on the website. I have asked for the policies twice via email and nothing is coming. I am playing a game where no one will tell me the rules.

The plan was for DH to just be support and let me lead as I've had professional experience of meetings where emotions and egos run high and usually manage to be measured and calm even when I'm raging.

I'm all nervous energy this morning, part anger, part fear I'll let my boy down. Knowing the teachers lied has shook me.

In terms of outcomes all I want is

a) We messed up. We should have contacted you.
b) In future if there's a situation that requires an incident report or causes injury to another pupil we will make sure the victim is getting follow up care too.

Hope it went well today.

Been thinking of you OP. Hope today gave you some reassurance. The business with the teachers is very poor and I'd certainly not be letting it lie.

Scout if you get nowhere at your meeting today and want to you could try making a complaint via your own procedure. Write an email/letter that states that despite making X number of requests you have not received either the complaints procedure or the bullying policy, so you expect them to take this email/letter as a request for a formal complaint to be opened. Detail the complaint and what you are looking for then tell them you expect a reply within 5 working days outlining what they have done and what next steps are, otherwise you will need to escalate to the governing body. Make sure this is sent either via email or registered post, so there is a trail that you can point to later if they continue to ignore.

You could also find out who the parent governor is and ask them if they have access to the policies and what the procedure is to escalate to the governing body.

Just caught up on your thread, hope everything goes okay today. You sound like an amazing mother

Totally agree with BoomBoom, above. Sending snail mail registered letter is a good idea. Getting the governors in is a good idea, too.

As for those two teachers. They failed to check your son, they failed to tell you about it, they failed to tell anyone else about then they lied to the police. Shame on them. They don't deserve to keep their jobs.

Well done, Scouts. Keep going.

Send a copy of,your letter if you have one and request a written response within 48 hours.

Anti bullying policy usually available on website. Send another letter and quote what parts of it they aren't following.

Send a private and confidential letter to the chair of governors.

Report to police.

Tell son he should contact staff immediately if this bully attacks him again.

This is bloody awful. Your poor son. I'd be RAGING. You sound very level headed and fair. I wouldn't be x

The thing about liars is that they don't think through the implications. The best way to deal with liars is to take them at their word but make it sound so so so much worse than if they had just told the truth.

As you will tell the head - obviously this can't be put to bed until it is completely clear what happened. Maybe the boys misunderstood Miss X pulling the other boy off your son. Maybe she was just nearby and watching someone try to strangle your son whilst another child pulled him off. (What a br ave child! - we must find out who that was so they can be commended. After all Miss X was obviously too scared of being attacked herself to help so this little star stepped in.) What's that - Miss X didn't see? But everyone agrees she was right there? I don't see how that could have got confused? Were you on your phone or something and not watching the children properly?

I am back.

Thank you for all your kind messages.

My heads a bit done in, going to eat popcorn with DS and play some Xbox and will update properly later. But in a nutshell.

I rang my local councillor.
She rang council head of schools.
He advised me to go ahead with the meeting and feedback anything I'm not happy with.
Teacher continued to say he hadn't seen a thing.
I am happy with their action plan for DS going forward. It's fairly watertight.
DS is happy with what they've promised.

I'm so bloody angry for you . how dare the teachers not admit accountability. Somebody somewhere at that school is going to get a bollocking ando possibly be disciplined. The teachers will be shitting themselves ands hoping you will crawl under a stone. How little d of they know you are taking this all. The. Way.

Just wanted to say: admiration for your tenacity and calmness in the face of multiple provocations. Hopefully you have done a great favour to a lot of children; your son, and the others at the school, including the perpetrator.

It made me wonder if he has been subject to this himself - perhaps by someone he is close to? - hence picking on someone he was relatively close to (ie your son) to 'act this out'. All wild surmise of course, but whatever the reason, I hope the perpetrator's situation is dealt with so this stops - or one can imagine how badly his life might turn out .

So, thanks to you, on behalf of society.

Good for you, Scouts. My 10-year-old daughter was strangled like this by a male pupil at her school. The school also knew that DD2 has already lost her older sister (cancer) and still did FA. I pulled her out that very day, we notified the police and I reported to SS because there are issues with this child's parenting. Pulled my son out as well. Sick of schools that just sit back and let pupils be assaulted at school.