DS strangled at school, twice. AIBU? (Long sorry)

[ScoutsMam]

I am trying not to over or under react here. Looking for some sensible Mumsnet advice.

DS has had issues with being bullied since September when he started high school. I put complaints in writing and asked for a copy of the schools anti-bullying policy.

The bully was warned, I was told teachers would keep an eye out and I would be kept informed of any issues. I was told this over the phone. I never got a written response to my complaint or a copy of the anti-bullying policy.

Tonight DS told us that he was strangled going between buildings by another student. He also disclosed that this happened last week too, in the presence of a teacher. The student was sent to a support worker. No one checked DS, no one informed us.

I am currently in the stage of the white hot rage that comes when someone's hurt your child. I don't blame the bully, honestly. I do blame the school for not protecting my son and not informing me of the attack. DS is a worrier and is aware that the other student has a difficult home life and a support worker at school so didn't tell us until today as he is at an age where he understands that sometimes 'naughty' behaviour is a result of more than "he's a nasty bully".

The school has it's own police officer, and form for not dealing with bullying.

How do I deal with this to protect DS? If someone had strangled him in the street and needed adult intervention to stop it I'd ring the police.

At the moment I feel I should tell the school if this happens again I will contact the police and go straight above the school to complain using the fact that I've previously asked them to provide anti-bullying policy and they have not as justification for not complaining to school. Plus, complaining to the school seems silly, as they are aware of last week's attack and don't seem to see it as something they need to deal with in terms of protecting my DS. DH feels we should go to the police now, if only to jolt the school into action. AIBU?

Any news from the school?

Thanks all.

No news from the school. Which isn't what I'd hoped for, I would have like to have met tomorrow before half term otherwise poor DS has this hanging over him.

I have to say the tone of the call changed a lot when we moved from 'My DS was seriously assaulted and nothing was done' to 'Would you like to take the crime reference number as I have reported this to the police?'. That was a disappointment, surely even without reporting to the police this is a serious matter and horrid for both boys.

Did they take notice and take things more seriously when you gave the police reference number?

I would persue it as far as possible through the official police and social services channels. The school may ask you to drop charges but it wouldn't be in the boys interest, only in the schools interest as they would want to keep a clean reputation.

Also the school have a duty of care to your son. They are loco parentis in your absence. They have to ensure your sons safety. What steps are they going to take? Obviously a third occurrence could be fatal.

I would be tempted to keep son off till they have an action plan/have suspended the boy

He's off today. He's terrified of being accused of skiving off. Being very lenient with screen time today and DH bought him a new texture pack for Minecraft as he was so good at the police. I think we're going to make some biscuits today too.

I am going all the way with this. When I spoke to the police I made clear I'm not out to frighten or punish the boy unduly. They said they have several routes available to them depending on whether there is any previous. They will refer to children's services and they are things in place where its like an asbo and they can work with him, his family and the school to improve his behaviour. If there is a lot of previous things could be more serious as he is beyond the age of responsibility.

I am in two minds whether to phone the school today to say Tom will not be in school and chase the call back promised yesterday or leave it in their court.

I should have asked the police when I'll next hear from them. I know they're going to teachers for witness statements and will visit the young man once they've spoken to children's services. I would like to hear the outcome from the witness statements but I don't think the children's services stuff is any of my business. They know I'm sympathetic to the boy's personal situation, I haven't told the school this though, with the school I'm keeping everything purely from my son's point of view in relation to safety and happiness as I do trust the police and children's services to keep it proportionate and to offer any help needed.

I dare say both of the boys are having a shit week

OP, just to say I think you accidentally included your son's name in your last post. You might want to ask MN HQ to edit for you? All the best to you and your DS.

I wouldnt do anything further at this point with the school. Currently, they would be doing their own internal investigations and getting their ducks in line in presenting their answers and statement to all parties (you, the police, senior management, governers, the other parent etc etc). They do need to do this and it may well result in a disciplinary action for the teachers involved.

I would this morning - EMAIL the school to ask a) that they have acknowledged the incident and your call and b) when you are likely to hear from them next and what their propose call of action. That you would like to hear from the school by end of today and that currently, you don't feel it safe for your child to attend the school today (or something to that effect). Which you don't otherwise, he would have gone into school right?

Don't be worried that the school hasn't responded. They will be taking this very seriously internally and if it has been a while that they've delt with something like this, then the school with have a LOT to do !!

And you need to request a copy of their discplinary and complaints procedures if you haven't already. Read it. Make sure you are adhering to it so that there can be no recourse on your side.

It will take time. You have nothing to worry about.

Poor him. Bad school.

Yes concentrate on your son today.

They will be looking into it - the teachers still have to teach and they will want to talk to the other boys parents and child services - they will look into social services and previous records which all takes time! Frustrating and nerve racking for you!

If you want to do something keep a log of any calls and print emails etc so everything is straight - write a list of Ny questions - and concise what you want to happen - DS having a key worker in school change tutor groups or lessons away from the boy - work sent home (although I assume it's half term next week)

Thinks about what your DS may be sending to friends etc

Good luck

We are going to email at 10. Gives me a chance to plan it out and come across calm and reasonable and gives the school a few hours to ring us to acknowledge yesterday's call.

I don't expect this done and dusted in a day, but I would like to be able to tell DS what's happening to reassure it's getting sorted.

Ooops about his name. No worries though, I used this name to discuss my daughter's name on a thread so it 'outs' me anyway. Some on facebook are aware of the issue but my fb is super private and I only have good friends on there. Haven't slagged the school or written anything I won't be saying to school and police.

Good idea about asking for the work too.

Please do email your chair of governors today! The head teacher is accountable to them, not the other way around.

Just a word of warning - don't put anything about this on FB as it can prejudice the case. I know your settings are super private but there is nothing to stop your friends from making copies of your updates/pictures...

Have deleted the facebook stuff.

School texted to see where DS was. I emailed them the stuff I drafted earlier.

DS is building a city on minecraft. DD is napping. Going to start my spring cleaning early. Keep myself busy.

I would be considering looking for another school for DS. Might sound drastic but the way they have dealt with this (haven't dealt with it, more like) is very shocking. That coupled with the fact that they have a poor reputation for dealing with bullying... I wouldn't want my children there.

Please do report them to Ofsted if they STILL don't respond. The fact that you have been sending emails means there will be written evidence that you have reported incidents. If they can't prove they have responded appropriately they will hopefully be in trouble.

Oh yes good idea to email chair of governors today.

I'd speak to the local authority as the school are not safeguarding your son.

It's disgusting that the school have not yet answered any of your e mails.

They sound like they hoping you will just disappear during half term holiday and not follow through.

Do you have a copy of the school bullying and safe guarding policies they should be on the school website (this is a statutory requirement for all schools).

Will posters please stop saying report to Ofsted with regard complaints about schools. You can only report very specific things to Ofsted with regard schools and even then you must have followed the school complaints procedure first.

Ofsted does not and it is on their website investigate individual safeguarding concerns about schools, just general concerns otherwise it falls under the remit of Local Authority Designated Officer.
parentview.ofsted.gov.uk/footer_Faq

The chain is school complaints procedure, (usually head, chair of governors.) If you are still unhappy, you can then complain to the LEA, Secretary of State, Ofsted (but only in specific circumstances) your MP and also for academies the educational funding agency. This site sets it out clearly:

www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/advice/making-a-complaint/

OP I'm shocked that no one has got back to you. I think I would be tempted to phone and say you want to speak to the head (or deputy if the head isn't in school) by x time and if not you will be arriving in school and will wait in reception until someone is able to speak to you. Every school I've worked at, would have phoned you back within a few hours as something like this should be top priority and said we're doing x, y and z/investigating and we'll either get back to you by x time or could we arrange a meeting for x time.

Hi Scout

I am truly shocked by the inaction of the teachers and by the terrible way it has been handled by the school. I echo the suggestion of others that you inform the governors. The lack of accountability and communitcation so far is appalling. As others have said, strangulation is so incredibly dangerous and throws up such huge warning signs for the boy who did it.

I just wanted to say I was really touched by your posts, particulalrly the empathy you and your son have with the other boy. You both sound lovely.

Very few parents would be as calm and measured as you. I am sure the school and police see a lot of parents who shout and rant and want children arrested etc so I am sure your approach did you credit.

This must be so hard but what you are doing sounds spot on. And your DS sounds like he truly deserves the lovely treats.

Good luck and keep believing in yourself. You're doing brilliantly.

Well done op

Thanks all

Headteacher called. He is a very nice man who walks the tight line between completely professional and seeing it from the parent's side very well.

My email was his first indication that something had happened as yesterday's call was still working it's way up the chain of command. He has been out of school for a few days so I am very pleased that he took the time to call us as a priority as soon as he was back and saw my email.

Information regarding the other boy was obviously VERY limited as he has a right to privacy, which I agree with. However I have been assured the relevant agencies are now involved and our reporting to the police will be a positive to all involved. Which I hope will be a positive outcome for him as I am now aware this is not the first incident.

In regards to DS, the head was unable to discuss why we hadn't been informed and the care wasn't what we would have wanted. He will speak to his staff about this and we will be informed of outcomes.

He did concede that if he was the teacher involved he would have contacted us to discuss and had this happened we could have had meetings and resolved this before half term, which would have avoided this being drawn out over the holidays and he acknowledged the potential effect this would have on DS and that it was less than ideal.

We will have a meeting with the relevant teachers and SMT on Monday 22nd to discuss DS's return and draw up a care plan for him to ensure he feels safe and happy at school.

However I have been assured the relevant agencies are now involved and our reporting to the police will be a positive to all involved. Which I hope will be a positive outcome for him as I am now aware this is not the first incident.

I keep saying this in other threads - it is a help to school and child!! HT is probably glad you did this as it gives school other options on the boys future. Well done - now type up conversation so you have a record

I'm glad the headteacher called you and took it seriously. However the fact that he was off for a few days is no excuse. The other staff should know to take these things seriously in his absence. I hope you get a full response as to why you weren't notified of the first incident and why it has taken until today for the whole thing to be taken seriously - not just why it happened but what they will do to ensure it doesn't happen again.