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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS strangled at school, twice. AIBU? (Long sorry)

104 replies

ScoutsMam · 10/02/2016 18:18

I am trying not to over or under react here. Looking for some sensible Mumsnet advice.

DS has had issues with being bullied since September when he started high school. I put complaints in writing and asked for a copy of the schools anti-bullying policy.

The bully was warned, I was told teachers would keep an eye out and I would be kept informed of any issues. I was told this over the phone. I never got a written response to my complaint or a copy of the anti-bullying policy.

Tonight DS told us that he was strangled going between buildings by another student. He also disclosed that this happened last week too, in the presence of a teacher. The student was sent to a support worker. No one checked DS, no one informed us.

I am currently in the stage of the white hot rage that comes when someone's hurt your child. I don't blame the bully, honestly. I do blame the school for not protecting my son and not informing me of the attack. DS is a worrier and is aware that the other student has a difficult home life and a support worker at school so didn't tell us until today as he is at an age where he understands that sometimes 'naughty' behaviour is a result of more than "he's a nasty bully".

The school has it's own police officer, and form for not dealing with bullying.

How do I deal with this to protect DS? If someone had strangled him in the street and needed adult intervention to stop it I'd ring the police.

At the moment I feel I should tell the school if this happens again I will contact the police and go straight above the school to complain using the fact that I've previously asked them to provide anti-bullying policy and they have not as justification for not complaining to school. Plus, complaining to the school seems silly, as they are aware of last week's attack and don't seem to see it as something they need to deal with in terms of protecting my DS. DH feels we should go to the police now, if only to jolt the school into action. AIBU?

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 10/02/2016 19:15

You have nothing to fear. It's on the school to prove they can deal with it for the future and for the police to handle this criminal matter and ensure all parties are correctly cautioned and delta with it and informed. From now it it's about following process. Put everything in writing even after any meetings. Write a summary of action points and what was said and email to everyone that what was said happened. You want a complete paper trail ready for an investigation. You Can Do It! ! Good luck!!

purplepandas · 10/02/2016 19:23

You are so doing the right thing. I am so disappointed with the school on all fronts. I hope that you get a good response from the police tomorrow and that this really makes the school think about their beyond crap response.

Youarentkiddingme · 10/02/2016 19:30

You and your DS sound extremely reasonable and understanding re the possible reasons behind this lads behaviour.

However you are right that your DS also needs supporting and to be safe. I expect the best thing you can do for both your DS and this lad is involve the police. The school should be supporting all pupils.

I say this as a parent of a child with ASD who can sometimes be violent. I hate it when people excuse it due to ASD. Yes, it's a reason why he reacts the way he does but it need recognising it's not ok to get the support in place for DS. He doesn't want to be violent, and in fact self harms after if he does, but if its accepted 'because he has autism' no one teaches him a better way or the social skills he needs to interact or react appropriately.

Give your boy some Cake from me. IMO more schools need students like him rather than the goady ones that deliberately push the buttons of vunerable peers.

ValiantMouse · 10/02/2016 19:32

Strangling is a massive red flag. You're doing the right thing in phoning the police.

Original poster
ScoutsMam · 10/02/2016 20:11

They're all just kids at this age Youare.

When I got DS to write it all down I asked him to write who did, said what and how he felt. I was interested to see if the lad harmed himself when they were separated as I know this is common in some children who have to work hard on controlling emotions and the school could be missing that too. But DS didn't write anything like that and I don't want to lead him at all. If DS indicates anything like that in the future I'll be right onto the school.

It's a bugger of a year for them all with the change into High School.

DS is downstairs again playing Minecraft now. Smile

OP posts:
CookieDoughKid · 10/02/2016 20:27

Yes they are all kids true but they know what's right and what's wrong and if their don't they need people in authorities to tell them that or face the consequences.

cansu · 10/02/2016 20:34

Personally I would go in for a meeting with the school first in order to check that you have all the facts. Even if you do report it to the police I would imagine they will expect you to have contacted the school and reported it to them first. It also reads that this is a different student to the first incident where you viewed the school's response as unsatisfactory. That being the case you have not actually given them a chance to take any action. I appreciate your ds tells you it was witnessed by a teacher. I would follow this up as there may be info that you don't have.

Ionacat · 10/02/2016 20:40

What a horrible thing to happen. Get a copy of the complaints procedure and follow it to the letter. You need to make a polite but firm stink and make sure that the head knows you aren't going to go away. The procedure for complaining about an incident and the handling of an incident is usually head, governors, DFES.
There are actually very restricted things you can complain to Ofsted and you must have followed the school's complaints procedure first.
Here's a good link explaining:
www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/advice/making-a-complaint/

I would also phone the police as it generally esculates things much more quickly. I've spoken to the police before after witnessing a fight at school as a parent called them. When you speak to the school, I would get them to check the CCTV, most schools have cameras in the corridors and outside these days and when incidents happen it is really useful as evidence.

TitClash · 10/02/2016 20:43

At first I thought you meant that wrestling move where they put the other kid in a headlock. But you dont, he was strangled.
I think Police and Social Services need to be involved, the kid has serious issues.
the school is being negligent if they are writing that off.

There may be a sexual element to that behaviour. Let the authorities deal with it.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 10/02/2016 20:44

DD Es viciously kicked several times in front of a teacher who looked in her they eye - then denied she was there!! I would believe your DS

Original poster
ScoutsMam · 10/02/2016 21:05

I would believe your DS

I shall and do. 100% If I don't who will?

His written account is horrid, he finished it off unprompted with a paragraph about how he has tried to be friends with the boy and it's a shame that they aren't able to get along.

I believe the school have had a chance to respond. DS has written about the teacher removing the boy's hands from his neck and the action that was immediately taken. This didn't involve any care or concern towards DS. DS likes this teacher, one of his favourites.

I will report to police. Get the number. Then contact the school to tell them and request the complaints procedure and follow it like a bloodhound.

OP posts:
SmallBee · 11/02/2016 13:33

How did it go this morning with the police and school OP?

Original poster
ScoutsMam · 11/02/2016 13:51

Rang 101 to ensure there was someone to speak to us at the station, spoke to the station directly before we set off. Then we sat for 3 hours waiting for an officer. (we don't like the police coming to us as we live in an area where 'grass' is a very bad thing)

They were lovely, took all details, listened to my son. They are going to go into the school to get witness statements from both teachers. They mentioned referrals for the young lad to ensure he's getting any help he needs.

Haven't rang the school yet, just in and scranning a pasty.

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 11/02/2016 15:19

Do contact the safeguarding people at the council, they need to check out the school's procedures for keeping children safe.

SmallBee · 11/02/2016 16:00

Good luck with the school. Really glad the police were good. How is your DS doing today?

Soooosie · 11/02/2016 16:20

Well done! You've done the right thing

Soooosie · 11/02/2016 16:22

It might be worth contacting social services too. The boy is possibly already known to SS? Neck strangling is very serious and they might want to look at what's going on at home

Original poster
ScoutsMam · 11/02/2016 16:27

I called the school around 2pm. Someone is going to call me back.

Thanks everyone for being supportive and nice. It was much easier to go to police an contact school knowing I wasn't being a daftie.

I'm hoping to arrange a meeting with the school and from there will go to the council and further up as no matter what is said in the meeting they can't go back and fix the fact that no one had any concern for my son other than that he get to his lesson and that it was allowed to happen again.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 11/02/2016 16:50

Can I just ask - if you don't mind - how seriously do you feel the police took it? I have never done this - but should have done and will consider in the future so to speak!

Original poster
ScoutsMam · 11/02/2016 17:04

I was impressed Sally. They took every detail, looked at what DS had written last night, asked him appropriate questions, and gave a clear plan of what they will do next.

I think as per a previous poster said, once we confirmed it was a pressing on windpipe strangling while refusing to let go when told by two teachers rather than headlock in playground scuffle type situation they were on it.

They never once gave me the brush off because it happened in school, which I was worried about. The fact they phrased it as 'take witness statements from teachers A & B' rather than 'we'll have a word with the school' I knew you were all right and we were in the right place.

OP posts:
Pilgit · 11/02/2016 17:12

Well done! Reporting it may also means the bully gets the help he needs. Your son sounds like a mature and empathetic young man.

CookieDoughKid · 11/02/2016 18:29

Brilliant. Well done. This is about recognition for your son and recognition of failure by the school and hopefully accountability by the school too. Outside of that my personal opinion is that some kids need the living shits scared out of them if police are involved. And very importantly that their parents are involved too (if they are the kind that can be arsed as let's face it, there are parents out there don't give a damn for their kids ).

captaincake · 11/02/2016 19:16

If my child was strangled i would phone the police, take it as far as possible and wouldn't send him in to be strangled again.

purplepandas · 11/02/2016 19:40

Really glad that this was managed so well by the police. You have done your son proud! I hope the school finally listen and appreciate just how serious this is.

annandale · 11/02/2016 19:52

I think your instincts were absolutely right about this and you have done the right thing. Hope things continue to progress and your ds recovers OK.