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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About new boyfriend's looks

85 replies

dandydesmond · 09/02/2016 17:19

New boyfriend has an amazing body. Really amazing. He is also an extremely nice man. However, face-wise, I am just not sure I fancy him. I am going out with him because he is a lovely person and treats me really well, and I wouldn't want to hurt him or really to stop seeing him right now. However, I am struggling to get round the fact that I just don't think he is attractive in the face department.

Perhaps I am just shallow, but I have always thought you need to have sexual attraction to someone you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with. In this case, I have a lot of attraction to his body and his mind, but I am worried I will end up getting to the point of not fancying him at all and hurting him if I carry on ignoring the fact that I don't really fancy his face.

What do you think?

OP posts:

CauliflowerBalti · 09/02/2016 18:22

LeaLeander - see also, Justin Timberlake. The older he gets, the more attractive he is becoming. It's not just me, right?

Twinklestein · 09/02/2016 18:23

I think you're just saying you don't fancy him. You're focusing on his face, but it's not it's him.

Original poster

dandydesmond · 09/02/2016 18:24

well I can see that I have divided opinion.

Just to clarify for the questions/accusations:

He is mid-30s.
I wouldn't tell him if that was a reason to end it - that would just be cruel.
I am not a supermodel by any means but I never said I was. All I said was that I didn't find his face attractive.
I only mentioned the body, actually, because I was trying to explain that there is some sexual attraction. I'm just worried that there isn't enough for the long term and I don't want to lead him on.
I haven't told all my mates anything to whoever said that above. I posted on here actually because I would never want to degrade someone to people who will actually meet them. Given that I haven't included names, addresses or other details in my post and I have namechanged, I think that I am safe on that one.

And to WorraLiberty. Thanks for completely missing the point. I am not thinking marriage and babies right now, it was just a phrase to get across that I don't want to lead him on long term.

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 09/02/2016 18:25

So you don't fancy him?

BillBrysonsBeard · 09/02/2016 18:25

I felt like this OP but gave it a chance as his personality was amazing and he made me feel so good. Within months his face was the only one I wanted to look at and still feel the same 8 years later.

Twinklestein · 09/02/2016 18:26

So there's some sexual attraction but not enough.

If you found him really attractive and had great chemistry, you'd like his face.

Helmetbymidnight · 09/02/2016 18:28

Why not cover his face when you shag and just look at his amazing body?

whois · 09/02/2016 18:29

I was incredibly attracted to my DP's face and body in clothes when I met him. However the first time we got down and dirty and he took his top off I got a big surprise with the chest hair and really didn't like it. Really didn't like it.

Now? I absolutely adore his chest and chest hair, because I love him.

I think if you find him attractive as a whole package, soon you will grow to love his face. And if you don't, then the death of love probably isn't there and it's not the right relationship.

Twinklestein · 09/02/2016 18:31

If you think about it, his face is where his personality is manifest, particularly his eyes.

If you just look at his body he could be any random hot guy.

If you look at his face - he's him and he's not right for you.

WhirlyTwos · 09/02/2016 18:32

I had a BF who's body was amazing (sigh) but he had a massive nose.... and I just couldn't get past it.

Arf!

BlueBlueBelles · 09/02/2016 18:33

I agree with a previous poster - if you find something negative now, you're unlikely to grow to love it.

ExH was handsome as a early 20s. He gradually became less and less attractive - partly due to personality and partly due to poor hygiene and lifestyle. But I started questioning fancying him quite early on and tbh it added negativity to the relationship.

DP on the other hand, I have fancied since the moment I saw him. Three years on, every now and then I search his face for something I don't like (hang ups from ExH we are both aware) and I just can't find anything. He is beautiful to me in every way.

If you don't fancy his face now, in the early flushes, I'm not sure you ever will?

tomatodizzy · 09/02/2016 18:35

I just don't think you really like him that much. A few weeks in, you should be wrapped up in a new relationship and if you really fancied the other parts of him, his face wouldn't matter. The fact that you're not speaks volumes, so I would end it.

BlueBlueBelles · 09/02/2016 18:35

Helmet I actually knew a guy who did that with a girl he loved her body, hated her face. Set the lighting so that her face was in the dark when she laid on the bed. I lost all respect for him after that.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 09/02/2016 18:35

Maybe VulcanWoman is actually dating a Vulcan looking Man?

There is NOTHING shallow about wanting to fancy your Partner. Otherwise we would all be perfectly happy to marry Wayne or Waynetta Slob.

Jeepers!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/02/2016 18:40

You aren't unreasonable not to find him attractive!
For me, fancying someone isn't predicated on them being gorgeous. But I have to fancy them, if I don't, it's dead.

NashvilleQueen · 09/02/2016 18:42

I do think having a face you're attracted to is important. More so than a nice bottom or muscles or anything else people go for in a man. You spend an awful lot of time looking at the face after all. I always go for a big smile and a kind face. That doesn't mean they're the most handsome of conventionally attractive but they do tend to fit a profile.

steff13 · 09/02/2016 18:42

I felt like this OP but gave it a chance as his personality was amazing and he made me feel so good. Within months his face was the only one I wanted to look at and still feel the same 8 years later.

This ^^ I find if I like a person's personality, they become more physically attractive to me.

wotoodoo · 09/02/2016 18:49

What about if he grew a beard and kept a hat and sunglasses on?

When I met the love of my life he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen in my life and sparks literally flew. He is now my dh. I cannot imagine marrying anyone who did not make me feel that way.

majorcrowdpleaser · 09/02/2016 18:56

A friend of mine is very attractive and always dated equally attractive/beautiful men. However, they all treated her like shit and made her miserable. I kept telling her that looks aren't everything. Eventually she met a man who really isn't very good looking at all but she went for it and they have been together now for 12 years, have two lovely children and she is blissfully happy. BTW I would be gutted if I found out a guy I was dating loved my body but not my face :(

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 18:58

I am going out with him because he is a lovely person and treats me really well, and I wouldn't want to hurt him or really to stop seeing him right now... have always thought you need to have sexual attraction to someone you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with. In this case, I have a lot of attraction to his body and his mind, but I am worried I will end up getting to the point of not fancying him at all and hurting him if I carry on ignoring the fact that I don't really fancy his face.

All of this could have been me in the first few months of my relationship with DH. I was so torn between having a great time with him and thinking that I maybe didn't find him attractive - and then feeling so bad because he was so great and I didn't want him to feel hurt, ever... I started thinking about ways I could get him to dump me so he wouldn't have to have the heartache of being dumped... I worried about being in a relationship with him forever because I would never be able to manage to dump him.

It took me quite a while to realise that my deep concerns about how he'd feel if I left him coupled with the presumption that if I didn't take a step our relationship would just keep going since everything about it was perfect were actually pretty strong signs that I'd fallen for him badly! Honestly, I'm so glad I didn't listen to my own stupid concerns at the start of the relationship. I am married to the most wonderful man in the whole world, I feel so unimaginably lucky.

Acorn44 · 09/02/2016 18:58

Hang in there Dandy ...
I could have written your post ten years ago. The man I'd started dating was smashing - kind and intelligent - but the absolute opposite of my usual type. In fact, if I'd written a list of requirements, he ticked not a single one in the looks department. For this reason, we took things slowly as I didnt want to lead him on. There certainly was none of the usual lustful feelings I'd had in previous relationships. (It didnt help that he turned up for our first date in jeans that were too short and a t-shirt he'd got free by saving the vouchers from boxes of tea bags ).

Despite this, I enjoyed his company too much to bring things to an end, so selfishly continued to see him 'for now' (as I assured my friends).

Fast forward six months, and suddenly I totally fancied him. His hair colour, which I'd never found attractive in men previously, was suddenly my favourite colour. The wonky teeth were cute. Not quite sure how this happened, but I guess I'd learned the true meaning of love and how to fancy 'the person' rather than just 'his looks' if that makes sense?

We've been together nearly ten years and I really couldn't imagine life without him. I genuinely adore him. He's no super model (and nor am I) but there are days, even after this long, when I just want to jump on him (I got rid of the Typhoo t-shirt long ago). I dont care about his imperfections as they are part of what makes him him besides, it makes me less insecure about my own shortcomings

Give your new man a chance, and your feelings really may change. True love really isnt about looks; it's about falling for - and fancying - the whole person, imperfections and all.
And that takes time.

VulcanWoman · 09/02/2016 18:59

No problem with that.

VulcanWoman · 09/02/2016 19:01

Or that.

Dotandethel · 09/02/2016 19:02

I quite like a big nose.

CreviceImp · 09/02/2016 19:12

My DH is not facially good-looking when you look at him and I wasn't attracted to him initially. However he has a fantastic intellect, sharp sense of humour and is very animated. It makes his plain face attractive.

He is actually photogenically butt ugly but I fancy the whole man. I have always had a 'quirky' taste and find traditionally good looking men boring, preferring characterful faces.

I gave the relationship time to develop because we have a lot of common ground so from personal experience I would say give it more time. As long as the sex is good mind...

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