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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About new boyfriend's looks

85 replies

dandydesmond · 09/02/2016 17:19

New boyfriend has an amazing body. Really amazing. He is also an extremely nice man. However, face-wise, I am just not sure I fancy him. I am going out with him because he is a lovely person and treats me really well, and I wouldn't want to hurt him or really to stop seeing him right now. However, I am struggling to get round the fact that I just don't think he is attractive in the face department.

Perhaps I am just shallow, but I have always thought you need to have sexual attraction to someone you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with. In this case, I have a lot of attraction to his body and his mind, but I am worried I will end up getting to the point of not fancying him at all and hurting him if I carry on ignoring the fact that I don't really fancy his face.

What do you think?

OP posts:

3WiseWomen · 09/02/2016 17:44

My Dh isn't 'beautiful' by any standard.
But then I am not a high couture model either.
Are you??

AND as we get older, we are both getting worse and worse anyway

If you are basing your decision on how nice he looks now, you'll just set yurself up for a big desillusion in a few years time. No one keeps their looks.

expatinscotland · 09/02/2016 17:44

What U2 said. Cut him loose. There are other fish in the sea. On MN you're supposed to take on Quasimodo and his 8 kids, move them into your house and, if he pays half the bills, give him the run of the place. When you're still young, too.

OnlyLovers · 09/02/2016 17:44

If you don't fancy him you don't fancy him. It's not shallow, it's just how it is. People are being very harsh.

3WiseWomen · 09/02/2016 17:45

The thing she doesn't say she doesn't fancy him.
She says, I fancy who he is as a person, I fancy his body but I can't look at him.

That's a very different issue imo.

FlatOnTheHill · 09/02/2016 17:46

Yanbu. Its all new and you feel like this now! The Poor sod!
But in saying that, if you don't fancy him now then you never will. Can you imagine a few years down the line? Im afraid you may have to end it

VulcanWoman · 09/02/2016 17:48

Hopefully he finds someone with a bit more about them.

HackerFucker22 · 09/02/2016 17:48

Was gonna ask if you shat his face but realised the answer is probably yes!!!

In my experience sexual attraction doesn't grow (I know many people will disagree) but for me if there wasn't sexual attraction in the beginning then it never developed. I say this after spending 4 years with a wonderful, kind, beautiful man whom I never had butterflies with.

I can live with the butterflies and sexual attraction waning over time, I can't live with never having the butterflies / sexual attraction at all. It's called chemistry!!

OnlyLovers · 09/02/2016 17:49

3Wise, she says face-wise, I am just not sure I fancy him

Helmetbymidnight · 09/02/2016 17:49

"I don't think he is attractive in the face department"

Is that the new way of saying I don't fancy him or what?

HackerFucker22 · 09/02/2016 17:49

shag his face. I hope you don't shat his face!!!

Sparklingbrook · 09/02/2016 17:50

There has to be a certain amount of physical attraction at the start of a new relationship surely?

Helmetbymidnight · 09/02/2016 17:51

If you shat his face??

Er is this the new way of saying you don't fancy him?

Theendispie · 09/02/2016 17:52

I think finding someone attractive and fancying them is quite a gut reflex and very quick. It's liking and loving someone that grows over time.

Fancying people is quite easy liking and loving them is much harder.

Iwonderif · 09/02/2016 17:55

I think due to the fact you've posted on here means you already know deep down you're not going to fancy him face wise. End it. DH wasn't my usual type at all but he was still very handsome and I fancied him from day 1. You do not fancy this bloke at all. I'd be gutted if a partner had felt this way about me but had said to his mates "her face isn't that great but her boobs & bum are marvellous!" It's not fair on him OP.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/02/2016 17:55

What would happen if you met a perfect beautiful man and fell in love and he disfigured his face in a terrible accident?
Dump him?

Helmetbymidnight · 09/02/2016 17:56

Oh but that's v different.

expatinscotland · 09/02/2016 17:58

But that's not the case here, ILost. It's fine to not fancy someone based on looks. Jesus wept. People have all kinds of dealbreakers. It doesn't make them bad people.

MistressDeeCee · 09/02/2016 17:58

You don't have to go out with him if you don't find his face visually appealing. Yes its deemed shallow but of course many people take facial features into account. I do, as well as physical build, and personality. Thats my personal choice and I stick with it. What I wouldn't do, however, is go out with a man just because he is nice, and treats me well, and has a sexy body. Thats not fair. Leave him alone so he can find someone who loves him - all of him - as he is.

(wonders if this is a "real" post/situation) sorry, I just do!

Friendlystories · 09/02/2016 18:01

My DH is not 'objectively' handsome, when we met (we worked together) I would never have imagined fancying him. He was married and although we got on and had a laugh together I never looked at him that way and never envisaged I would. Then his marriage ended and after a while his role at work changed and we worked more closely than before and something started to happen. I fell in love with the person he is as I got to know him better and I can't really see him objectively now, all I see when I look at him is the face I love, the person I love, whether that face is handsome or not is neither here nor there and has absolutely no bearing on how I feel about him. It's down to whether your feelings are growing for this man op, if they are his face won't make a shred of difference soon enough.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/02/2016 18:03

Can't see why you would make someone your 'boyfriend' and be going out with him if there's no attraction or if his face is a turn off for you? Please don't tell him OP. He'll get a complex about his looks.

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2016 18:05

Perhaps I am just shallow, but I have always thought you need to have sexual attraction to someone you are thinking about spending the rest of your life with.

Blimey calm down.

You've only been seeing him a few weeks and you're thinking about the rest of your life?

Just chill out and have fun.

Sparklingbrook · 09/02/2016 18:07

I think if I didn't fancy him then I wouldn't have got as far as seeing his amazing body.

CauliflowerBalti · 09/02/2016 18:11

Since when did sexual attraction have anything to do with the order someone's face is in? I wanted to do very bad things to my OH before we even met. Personality is king. He has a very nice body too

I think you should let the lovely man go to find someone who appreciates him.

LeaLeander · 09/02/2016 18:15

I do think sexual attraction is important and no one should be made to feel bad about their subjective taste in looks and appearance. We all have our own standards and I bet some of the holier-than-thou here have a line they will not cross, either, when it comes to finding someone attractive enough to have sex with.

That said I would be curious: What age is he? I find that a lot of guys who were homely/geeky/plain/awkward looking in their teens, 20s and 30s often turn out to be fairly attractive as they age and sort of gain a more mature masculinity.

For example there is nothing on earth that would make me want to crawl into the sack with Mark Zuckerberg, head of Facebook, despite his billions. But in a recent photo of him I could see a glimmer of what he will be like in middle age and it will be an improvement (to my taste) Won't be turning into Jon Hamm any time soon but men do tend to improve with age, in general. Google some pix of the young George Clooney, for example - quite laughable really and almost effeminate. Now he's a global heart throb to many.

That said you are not unreasonable not to want to wait decades! ;)

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 09/02/2016 18:17

Agree Cauli My DP's brother is almost identical to him in looks and I don't fancy him one iota.

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