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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to move the stepkids into the small bedroom...

81 replies

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 16:41

10 months ago DP moved into my 3 bed place.
I got rid of my double guest room and turned it into a permanent room for his DDs (5/8) with bunk beds, toy storage etc etc.

My DS (6) is in the box room and always has been. My plan was always to move him into the bigger room when he was older and started playing more in his room by himself. I want to do this now as think it would be much better for him and don't think it would be of any practical impact to the girls. However I really don't want the girls to see it as a sign that they are "inferior" in our home. It seems crazy that my DS is crammed into this box room with no space to play while a huge double room is unoccupied most of the time. The girls are with us 1 night in the week and e/o wkend but when they're here they generally play downstairs with their dad. My DS on the other hand likes to play in his room with his toys after school but it is getting very cramped. He is with me 22 nights per month.

I want to swap the rooms around but am worried it will all kick off if the girls feel "it's not fair".

I'm going to discuss it with DP tonight but thought i'd test the water here first... Be gentle with me, as a stepmum i am really trying and it is very tough.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 09/02/2016 17:53

If your dp says whatever you want" - in a "i won't tell you not to but i know it will upset my girls" kind of way simply tell him that what you want is for him to say you know what? that actually makes sense. I'll help you paint the rooms for the kids and make them nice." and add that you expect him to get on board with selling the scheme to his dds and enthusing about the grand outing to choose colours/curtains/blinds/bedlinen and fun items for their new bedroom.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 17:53

Ds has a large room at his dad's though, Posie.

PosieReturningParker · 09/02/2016 17:55

Also I suspect many girls if 5/8 are awkward about their dads living with someone other than their mum.

Original poster

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 18:00

We've tried family conferences/round table chats about stuff and they end with the 2 younger kids being totally nonplussed and reasonable and the eldest huffing, scowling and generally making everything difficult.
I haven't made a decision yet and have just been measuring up in both rooms to see if i can buy some better storage for DS to give him more "floorspace" which i think i can.

The girls have two rooms and my DS has two rooms.

OP posts:

CointreauVersial · 09/02/2016 18:02

Present it as a "shit sandwich":

"Guess what, we're going to redecorate the bedrooms, and I want YOU to help me choose the lovely paint and some cool bedding (yayyy!!)"
"While we're at it, we are going to switch the rooms around to give DS a bit more space, as he's here all the time"
"But I'm sure you won't mind....and it'll be so nice to have a lovely cosy new room, just how you like it"

What2 · 09/02/2016 18:03

What about getting a raised bed for your DS which would, presumably double the floor space? Then you won't have to bother we redecorating or risking upsetting anyone.

We have moved a lot and I noticed kids, especially young boys, seem to have odd preferences about rooms. Mine rarely seemed to pick rooms based on size.

DoreenLethal · 09/02/2016 18:04

When I was a kid and we moved into a house with my mother's boyfriend, he had 4 daughters and there were 5 of us in one room. Nobody whinged. We wouldn't dare.

Original poster

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 18:05

He already has a raised bed :) and half the space underneath that is full of those ikea drawers for storing toys...

I like cointreaversial's idea though... that actually sounds reasonable and doesn't give them much room for squirming!

I think I need to accept that his eldest DD will always be difficult about everything.

OP posts:

IguanaTail · 09/02/2016 18:08

I think you need to establish what support you have before you broach it with the kids.

Could you suggest a tv for the wall maybe in the girls' little room?

I think you are being perfectly reasonable.

IguanaTail · 09/02/2016 18:09

I agree. Don't allow any time for whining and moaning. Don't bother going down the "how does it all make you feel?" Present it as a fait accompli and focus on nice things.

tinyterrors · 09/02/2016 18:09

Ds having a big room at his dad's is neither here nor there.

I'd switch the rooms and present it as a done deal. Let the girls decorate how they want, within a reasonable budget, and your ds the same.

Fwiw we have two boys and two girls, the girls have a big double room and the boys have the box room. It's fine, if a little squished when friends are round but I just let them take over the front room downstairs.

What2 · 09/02/2016 18:10

The fait accompli approach won't work if the OPs DH or the OPs DS don't agree.

littleleftie · 09/02/2016 18:14

YANBU and I think you have to keep reminding yourself that DSD will find something to complain about regardless.

Good luck.

CauliflowerBalti · 09/02/2016 18:15

You really aren't being unreasonable at all. Good luck with it all.

Original poster

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 18:30

Yes - fait accompli with no "how do you feel" sounds good.
We do do a LOT of talking about feelings with his DD and it is sodding exhausting.

I wouldn't do TVs in any of the kids rooms though :)

OP posts:

CointreauVersial · 09/02/2016 22:44

If your DS isn't interested in switching, I think the whole plan falls flat on its face.

maddening · 09/02/2016 22:51

If you took upstairs and remodelled it would you be able to reorganise the space so you have 2 good sized bedrooms and a master?

OzzieFem · 10/02/2016 09:06

I'm stunned that anybody would think of putting a TV in a 5/8's bedroom anyway.

PennyHasNoSurname · 10/02/2016 09:14

OP could you get DS the Ikea Kura bed? Lots of floorspace under it to play.

brassbrass · 10/02/2016 09:38

If it's your DS's main residence I don't see why it's an issue. The DDs are not there often enough to take up so much space which goes unused for most of the month.

Original poster

bolognaadvice · 11/02/2016 18:09

He wants to stay in his room!
But we are going to get him new and improved storage and generally do his room up a bit to make it nicer for him. It's the only room he's ever known so I guess he sees it as "his".

OP posts:

lunar1 · 11/02/2016 18:47

How old do they have to be for the high sleepers ikea do, they would give him loads of room underneath.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 11/02/2016 18:49

Oh bless, Bologna. What2 said upthread that they often have unexpected preferences. You might want to revisit, when he starts wanting sleepovers (although mine had plenty of room but preferred camping out in the sitting room with his mates, so who knows?).

Thank you for updating

What2 · 11/02/2016 23:08

Phew, that's a good update.

Borninthe60s · 12/02/2016 07:52

All that stress for nothing. Poor OP. I would in any event discuss it when you are all together and say DS is happy to stay in his room but there may come a time when he needs more space and at that point there'll be a swap over as it makes sense. Then leave it at that. If they have a hissy fit, just say it might not happen but it could.

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