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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move the stepkids into the small bedroom...

81 replies

bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 16:41

10 months ago DP moved into my 3 bed place.
I got rid of my double guest room and turned it into a permanent room for his DDs (5/8) with bunk beds, toy storage etc etc.

My DS (6) is in the box room and always has been. My plan was always to move him into the bigger room when he was older and started playing more in his room by himself. I want to do this now as think it would be much better for him and don't think it would be of any practical impact to the girls. However I really don't want the girls to see it as a sign that they are "inferior" in our home. It seems crazy that my DS is crammed into this box room with no space to play while a huge double room is unoccupied most of the time. The girls are with us 1 night in the week and e/o wkend but when they're here they generally play downstairs with their dad. My DS on the other hand likes to play in his room with his toys after school but it is getting very cramped. He is with me 22 nights per month.

I want to swap the rooms around but am worried it will all kick off if the girls feel "it's not fair".

I'm going to discuss it with DP tonight but thought i'd test the water here first... Be gentle with me, as a stepmum i am really trying and it is very tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 17:16

lychees I did think he could use their room as a playroom but he gets really upset if his stuff is in there in general and prefers to play in "his" room.... Although he plays happily with them in there.

OP posts:
Lightbulbon · 09/02/2016 17:17

You need a bigger house!

OllyBJolly · 09/02/2016 17:18

Could he just use their room as a playroom when they're not there? If it's tidy and there's cupboard space could you not make it into a big playroom for him with his toys stored there too?

I can see that idea fraught with problems as DS wants in to DSDs space. And then get blamed if anything is touched or goes missing.

I think you're over thinking, OP. This could be great for the girls - they get to decorate (within parameters as you say) and really make the room their own. Present it positively to all three kids - makes sense all round.

Cutecat78 · 09/02/2016 17:20

YADNBU but will be told you are and that they should have a hand in the decor of your entire house Grin

Binders1 · 09/02/2016 17:22

It would have been easier to move bedrooms when your DP moved in 10 months ago but it was sensible to go with what your DS wanted with all the changes that were going on.

YANBU - I would speak to your DP, then ask your DS what he wants to do. It's perfectly reasonable and sensible for your DP's DD's to have the small room and as you say, you can fit bunk beds and storage space and they are hardly going to need storage due to the amount of time they stay there. All their possessions and clothes are in their bedroom at their DM's house where they stay most of the time.

Original poster
bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 17:23

lightbulb we are saving for an extension but that's a couple of years away.

I have a tendency to overthink because i am always trying to do the right thing and I think i have overcompensated them actually at the expense of DS. Logically and rationally it makes every sense to swap and we could definitely put some money towards making the smaller room really lovely for them.

OP posts:
TeaT1me · 09/02/2016 17:23

Haha at need a bigger house. They just get given you don't they when you need them?

Our box room only fits a single, medium room would just fit a double and nothing else. I think it's fine!

WhoGivesAFlying · 09/02/2016 17:24

We have my 2 dsc and our ds in ds's room every other weekend....getting a bigger house lightbulbon isn't always an option and you have to make do like lots
of families do

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 17:24

Could ds have a hand in decorating the playroom? I'm not suggesting that he shouldn't have the double, but it might be a reasonable compromise.

Original poster
bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 17:26

Our playroom is a really old and slightly damp conservatory so not much of a room really. It is usable between about march - sept!! I tend to keep all the craft/paints etc in there but it's not somewhere they'd want to play.

The girls like to draw and have lots of their things in storage in the kitchen/diner whereas DS likes lego/playmobile and "floor play" toys more...

OP posts:
Original poster
bolognaadvice · 09/02/2016 17:27

I mean they would want to play there but only in that spring/summer time...

OP posts:
SitsOnFence · 09/02/2016 17:28

I recently switched 12 yo DSS and 5 yo DD's rooms around. Not a massive difference in room sizes, but DSS's bedroom has masses more built in storage that was mostly unused. Then last year his overnight visits dropped from every other weekend to less than 1 night per month, with most of our time together spent out of the house doing stuff or downstairs playing games etc together.

I approached it from the perspective that DD needed extra storage space and they both needed their rooms redecorating anyway. I gave him the option of switching rooms or keeping his room, but letting DD store some of her toys in 1 of his built in wardrobes (obviously she's get his permission to enter the room when he was here!) He was completely nonplussed, and is very happy with his new smaller but more grown up bedroom.

Could you put something similar to your DSDs? Explain that DS needs more space and suggest that they either swap rooms or his wardrobe/toy cupboard is moved into their room.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 17:29

Bless him. Mine only needs as much space as his 15yo backside and an Xbox nowadays. I miss playmobil

SitsOnFence · 09/02/2016 17:29

Ah, didn't refresh the thread and have x-posted!

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 17:32

Maybe time to look up small bedrooms for girls on Pinterest Smile

PippaHotamus · 09/02/2016 17:33

Difficult question. We had a similar problem with three children, one adult and two bedrooms of vastly different size - we ended up moving as it just didn't work.

May I ask how big the rooms are? Also I may have missed it but do the girls have their own large-ish room at home?

nokidshere · 09/02/2016 17:35

Do people really spend all this time and discussion with young children asking opinions and giving them choices? Really? Swap the bedrooms, decorate accordingly. End.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 17:39

Yes nokids, they do! Especially where there are extra sensitivities involved, such as there are here.

FlatOnTheHill · 09/02/2016 17:40

Yanbu

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2016 17:40

I wouldn't ask DS first if he wants to move unless you're ready to do it over the objections of DH and/or his girls.

I'd talk to DH first, get him onside, then talk to the girls. I agree with letting them decorate it as they wish, even black with silver stripes. It's just paint, after all. My Mum let me put up psychedelic Op-art blue and green wallpaper in the late '60s along with blue and green shag carpeting and psychedelic print curtains. Even 'antiqued' my furniture silver. Looking back it was god-awful, she must have been appalled, but she let me do it 'my way'. Cost them a bit of a pretty penny to have it all stripped out, repainted and re-carpeted the split second I moved out (I mean, I don't think my car was out of the driveway when the workmen pulled up!).

Ooof35 · 09/02/2016 17:42

Try and hold a family meeting and discuss all the pros and cons with all kids in attendance (even though you have already pretty much made a decision) and explain the situation and encourage their suggestions - once you have their attention and cooperation, give them the opportunity to be involved with the move- as in help your son set up his new room as well as decorating their new room- even if they get bored / squabble / get upset about it; don't shoulder all of the responsibility and risk being a target. It's a practical move, not a punishment not showing favouritism- just practical living arrangements and the cooler you can play it, the less chance they will manipulate you regarding it or get overly upset.
Good luck!

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 17:43

Which isn't to say we're not over thinking, mind Grin

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 09/02/2016 17:51

Totally agree with getting dp onside and presenting it as a fait accompli, but I think 6 is a little young for a family conference.

Getting dp onside might be easier said than done though, despite it being a perfectly reasonable proposition.

PosieReturningParker · 09/02/2016 17:52

YDNBU

I would explain to them that this is your DSS only room and they have two.

amarmai · 09/02/2016 17:53

the man moved into your home and you and your son are supposed to be of less priority in your own home? You are under stress worrying about what one of his dds has to say about your home? You need counselling.

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