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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to care that he was married before?

62 replies

thetimestheyareachangin · 09/02/2016 15:55

For background, I'm 28, no kids, never been married. I've just started seeing someone that I met online - its been a few dates, some sex... but nothing too serious yet. He's a little older than me at 34, but I like him a lot, and I could see this going somewhere, at least in the short term.

Anyway, we went out for dinner last night and during a conversation about his living in a different country for a while he casually said "oh yes, I need to tell you something about that... I went because I was married and my wife got a job there". I don't think I reacted badly... I just sort of spluttered "oh?" as I wasn't expecting it! He then told me all the facts and there's no secret to it (no kids etc). I didn't really bring it up, just carried on with the night thinking "well its no different to having a long term relationship, so its fine".

However, on second thoughts today, I think I do mind! Not because I think that being divorced is some sort of stigma... but I guess because I feel like its such a huge step and its so very big a life experience to share with someone. I'm not jealous and I'm not worried about anyone else having lasting feelings... I think I am just... I don't know... worried that I cant live up to what came before?

Having never done it and never actually been asked to do it, despite some rather long term relationships, I guess I just always assumed that when someone asked me it would be because they thought I was "the one" for them. It's never really occurred to me that someone could have thought they found "the one" once before!!

I'm being ridiculous aren't I!

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 09/02/2016 15:57

Yes. You are. But I do sort of get what you're saying.

Bearbehind · 09/02/2016 15:59

I'm being ridiculous aren't I

Fraid so Grin

The older you get the more baggage people tend to have.

Look at it another way- would you prefer a 34 year old virgin who's never had a girlfriend.

LovelyBranches · 09/02/2016 16:00

My father was divorced when he met my mother. They were together nearly 40 years. The week before he died (suddenly and totally unexpected) my mother had described how she had bumped into my father and got butterflies when she saw him. They were each others true love.

Don't finish it just because he was married before, you could be missing out on someone very special.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 09/02/2016 16:02

Yes, you are.

I've been married twice. I realise that my DH is "the one" because Husband no1 was an utter dick, and I have him as a yardstick to compare DH to. Makes me appreciate DH, soooo much more. Try looking at it like that. Also, this shows that your Guy is not a commitment phobe.

I know loads of people who have been married more than once. Don't let this lovely guy slip thru your fingers, for a very silly reason.

My Dad was engaged to someone else, before he met my Mum. He and my Mum have now been together almost 50 years.

If you marry this guy, it won't be that long, before you've been together longer than he was with his first wife. then you'll trump her

WickedWax · 09/02/2016 16:03

I think you probably need to let go of the notion of "the one", that there's just one person out there for you.

Original poster
thetimestheyareachangin · 09/02/2016 16:04

bearbehind - very good point!

OP posts:
BlondeOnATreadmill · 09/02/2016 16:04

Oh, and he didn't have kids with her. So that's something he'd be doing with you, for the first time (if it gets that far) Grin

Original poster
thetimestheyareachangin · 09/02/2016 16:08

Blondeonatreadmill - yes you're right of course.

I'm not saying I wouldn't go out with him because of it... I guess I was just surprised at myself for actually caring at all!

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 09/02/2016 16:09

Yes, you are being ridiculous. Someone of 34 would probably been in love a few times anyway, regardless of whether they married someone. Also i think 'the one' is a very silly concept.

I found someone whom i loved very much and married him, but within a year he told me they didn't want children. I was heartbroken and left him. We got divorced. I was 32 and he was 29. He is a lovely man and we were both very in love and had been together for 10 years before we married. It was just a very sad and unfortunate situation. I know he is happy now with someone else who also doesn't want children and i'm glad the fact that he had been married didn't stop them (or my DH) pursuing a relationship.

You can love more than one person in your life time. I would say i loved my exH and my DH in very very different ways. And just because i am divorced i think i am entitled to love again and be happy. I think if someone was put off because i had been divorced it would put me off them too, i would think they a little possessive and jealous of my past, which i hate in a partner.

UndramaticPause · 09/02/2016 16:09

You'd be hard pushed to find a 34 year old without some form of backstory, be it a marriage or kids, these days.

LittleLionMansMummy · 09/02/2016 16:12

Dh was with his exW for 10 years (and they had 2 dc!) so I know exactly where you're coming from on this. We've now been together for 13 now so trump her

We're right for each other and meeting him was definitely one of those 'butterflies in stomach' moments. The difference is she's still very much a part of our lives because of my stepdaughters. It's easier in your situation op - unless he's still in contact with her. I wouldn't change anything - if you love someone you just kind of accept they have a past and that in some cases it is also part of the future. He's my soul mate.

CwtchMeQuick · 09/02/2016 16:20

I was actually coming on to say that no I don't think you are being ridiculous, because I get that engagement, marriage, kids, are big life events that in an ideal world you'd do with one partner and you'd both be each other's firsts and onlies.
Then I remembered my ex was engaged to someone else before he met me. Then I remembered I have a DS so I'm never gonna do that together for the first time with another partner again.
It never even occurred to me to be bothered about my ex's previous engagement, they broke up for a reason. And I don't think it ever bothered my ex that I'd had a child with another man before I'd met him. If anything our pasts meant we knew what had gone wrong in previous relationships and what is important to us. We both had much higher standards for having had these life experiences, and I think we were both better partners as a result.
I think you should take positives from this. He's obviously not afraid of commitment, he was prepared to make sacrifices for his wife. Those qualities would outweigh him having signed a marriage certificate with someone else for me.

Peppaismyhomegirl · 09/02/2016 16:20

I was divorced before DH. He is the love of my life and I believe my shit first marriage makes this one better. I appreciate him and the little things he does. I'm a better person for divorcing twatface. DH is the first person that got the new me.

Jitterybug · 09/02/2016 16:24

I got married young and divorced young, I learnt a lot from it and it made me a better person and partner to dh, who is the love of my life.

It is just part of his history and made him who he is today.

Original poster
thetimestheyareachangin · 09/02/2016 16:29

Thanks all. I know I shouldn't care ut I guess its just a silly feeling of "oh, well you could be my first but I wouldn't be yours". Its a bit childish I know but I have never actually had to deal with this situation before.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 09/02/2016 16:29

I might have felt the same at 28 - many of my friends were getting married for the first time at that age, and I hadn't really seen anyone of my generation get divorced. Sadly, it changes very quickly after 30!

I think some people do just marry too young. The things that make a relationship great at 21 - excitement, fun-loving, a sense of irresponsibility - don't tend to match well with the more burdened adulthood most of us slip into with mortgages and all kinds of other work and parental responsibilities. The fact that significant life steps (buying a house, having kids) often come later now means there is an extended period of growth too.

I would definitely class myself in the category of people who made this mistake and settled down too early with someone who really wasn't right for the longer term. It didn't work because we grew in opposite directions. We have both since found partners who are more suitable for us.

Most people in their 30s will have experienced a long term relationship. Married or not married doesn't make that much difference, to be perfectly honest. It just goes with the territory - a bit like increasing lines and grey hairs!

I recommend you read Sense & Sensibility - in some ways, you can see that book as a novel about someone learning that second relationships can be deeper and more rewarding that youthful attachments.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/02/2016 16:32

You are being unreasonable. My DF has been married before, as have I. We have both learnt a lot, and would (hopefully) not make the same mistakes again. We are different people to when we married our X partners over 20 years ago. The only reason I would be concerned was if he appeared to have learned nothing from the experience.

Seriouslyffs · 09/02/2016 16:34

You're not being ridiculous at all! A few dates in and you can stop seeing for whatever reason you want with no explanation...
It's worth thinking about why it bothers you so much, particularly as others have said a man of your age is likely to have had LTR at least and the lack of them would be worrying.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/02/2016 16:34

Yes you are being a bit ridiculous. TBH.
He's 34. What were you expecting. That's he'd never been kissed.

diddl · 09/02/2016 16:37

There was a time that I felt the same.

Fortunately though my husband didn't!

He's my 2nd-my 1st having left me for someone else.
(We had no kids).

Been together 22yrs, married 20.

CrystalMcPistol · 09/02/2016 16:39

I don't think you're being massively unreasonable really. If you don't want to be with a divorcee that's your business.

But I'd save my judgement till I heard further details. Separated a fortnight after the wedding? Run for the hills.

AppleSetsSail · 09/02/2016 16:42

How is this even remotely unreasonable? OP considers a romantic prospect's attitude towards divorce relevant. How terrifically shocking.

shovetheholly · 09/02/2016 16:47

apple - but, according to the OP, divorce isn't her reason for shying away. It's because she's "worried that I cant live up to what came before" (clearly ridiculous, because she sounds awesome) and because "It's never really occurred to me that someone could have thought they found "the one" once before!!" (which assumes everyone gets it right first time, which they don't!).

If the guy in question was the type who'd been married 7 times before and was likely to pull out a ring at the drop of a hat, I'd be the first to say "Run for the hills". Based on the information we've been given, it sounds like a totally normal situation for a 34 year old to be in, though.

toffeeboffin · 09/02/2016 16:52

Yes, YABU.

There is more than '1'.

diddl · 09/02/2016 16:54

"It's because she's "worried that I cant live up to what came before" "

In that case the reason might be relevant.

My husband as lived up to & surpassed ex.

Simple-he's never cheated!

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