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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to care that he was married before?

62 replies

thetimestheyareachangin · 09/02/2016 15:55

For background, I'm 28, no kids, never been married. I've just started seeing someone that I met online - its been a few dates, some sex... but nothing too serious yet. He's a little older than me at 34, but I like him a lot, and I could see this going somewhere, at least in the short term.

Anyway, we went out for dinner last night and during a conversation about his living in a different country for a while he casually said "oh yes, I need to tell you something about that... I went because I was married and my wife got a job there". I don't think I reacted badly... I just sort of spluttered "oh?" as I wasn't expecting it! He then told me all the facts and there's no secret to it (no kids etc). I didn't really bring it up, just carried on with the night thinking "well its no different to having a long term relationship, so its fine".

However, on second thoughts today, I think I do mind! Not because I think that being divorced is some sort of stigma... but I guess because I feel like its such a huge step and its so very big a life experience to share with someone. I'm not jealous and I'm not worried about anyone else having lasting feelings... I think I am just... I don't know... worried that I cant live up to what came before?

Having never done it and never actually been asked to do it, despite some rather long term relationships, I guess I just always assumed that when someone asked me it would be because they thought I was "the one" for them. It's never really occurred to me that someone could have thought they found "the one" once before!!

I'm being ridiculous aren't I!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/02/2016 16:55

For me, when I was that age, childfree and newly single (well, I was divorced myself), my dealbreaker was any guy with kids. I just didn't want to be a step parent. I found more guys who had kids than were divorced. But then, I had one guy who was separated, and yes, legally, I saw the papers. Then he moved his wife back in and it was 3 weeks before I found out. Asshole!

Owllady · 09/02/2016 16:55

I'm only a few years older than him and I have teenagers and feel ancient
So yes, I do think you are being a bit unrealistic

SirVixofVixHall · 09/02/2016 16:55

I agree with Apple.

ephemeralfairy · 09/02/2016 16:58

I get it, OP. DP was still technically married when I met him (they had been separated for 18 months and had no contact for almost a year, they just hadn't got round to sorting divorce) They got together very young and the actual marriage only lasted 18 months or so. But it really REALLY bugged me. I couldn't really put my finger on why....but it felt like he wasn't really 'mine' til the papers had actually physically come through. We'd been together nearly three years before that happened...(whole other source of arguments/frustration!!)
But yes. I get it. It might be daft but you can't help how you feel. Try not to let it prejudice you against him though. I took a big leap of faith with my DP and we are now really happy together.

Mama1980 · 09/02/2016 17:03

Honestly yes you're being a bit daft, I wouldn't expect anyone at 34 to have no serious romantic history.
(For context I'm 34 have 4 children, and enough baggage to sink a ship)
But a few dates in and your perfectly entitled to stop seeing him if it bothers you with no justification as such.
The cynic in me might ask why his marriage ended, but otherwise I don't see an issue.

AppleSetsSail · 09/02/2016 17:06

Honestly yes you're being a bit daft, I wouldn't expect anyone at 34 to have no serious romantic history.

You are correct that it would be very unusual to be 34 and have no serious romantic history.

sparechange · 09/02/2016 17:09

Yes, YABU to be so knee jerk, especially knowing nothing of the circumstances.

apples comment is totally irrelevant. We don't know anything about his attitude to divorce. He might have been dead against it, but had his wife leave him and give him no option. Equally, he might have done that to her.

But as others have said, if you are going to date guys in their mid-30s, the vast, vast majority will have done the 'firsts' with someone already. Lived together, holidayed together, bought a house, had the baby discussion, and possibly bought the ring and planned (and gone through with) the wedding.

I'd be more interested in knowing the details of why any significant LTRs broke down, regardless of marriage, in case there is a pattern of cheating, getting bored or wanting different things. That will tell you FAR more about him than whether they had a wedding...

Theendispie · 09/02/2016 17:15

I would just want to know why he was divorced that's all.

mmmuffins · 09/02/2016 17:23

YANBU if it is important to you. When I was still single, I would never have considered a future with someone who already had a failed marriage.

BoboChic · 09/02/2016 17:27

I think it's absolutely normal, and right, to want to know exactly what went wrong in any failed marriage that a prospective partner was in. My DP was married quite young and had two children and I wanted to know everything about why it went wrong before committing.

Canters15 · 09/02/2016 17:41

My DH was married before. Usual story- got married young, relationship was OK but sounded dull as fuck she eventually had an affair, they split. No kids.

In the early days i did get quite upset about it at times. I'd have felt better if he'd been desperately unhappy in the relationship, but he wasn't! Anyway now we're married, I've stopped caring. His parents have welcomed me as a daughter, and I think we have something really wonderful and special plus he earns loads more then he did when with her so I have a massive rock

The point is, don't write him off because of his past, you could be missing out on something amazing. We all make mistakes.

GrumpyOldBag · 09/02/2016 17:44

You are being completely ridiculous.

My situation was similar to Canters15. But I met my dh 20 years ago after he split up, we have been married for over 15 years and have 2 dc. We've now been together far, far longer than he was with his first wife.

I am definitely "the one" for him!

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 09/02/2016 18:24

If I was single, a divorced guy would put me off. Not because of the "1" but because marriage is a huge commitment and not to be taken lightly and should be really worked at.

GrumpyOldBag · 09/02/2016 18:38

My DH's first wife left him and shacked up with another man.

You still think he should have 'worked at' the marriage?

It's not uncommon for people to marry their university sweetheart (as in his case) and then figure out it was a mistake.

BlueBlueBelles · 09/02/2016 18:40

Yup, ridiculous. I've been married before, the amount of people who had the arse with that more than the fact I had two kids was insane!

My DP has been married twice before. Thankfully that put enough people off that I got a chance to nab him for myself

BlueBlueBelles · 09/02/2016 18:42

Autumn, I'm divorced on grounds of desertion. Fuck all i could have done to fix that.

AppleSetsSail · 09/02/2016 18:55

My DH's first wife left him and shacked up with another man.

You still think he should have 'worked at' the marriage?

But she probably has a different version of events.

It's not uncommon for people to marry their university sweetheart (as in his case) and then figure out it was a mistake.

Sure, a lot of people walk into marriage too young. I think the ability to avoid this pitfall shows an abundance of sound judgement.

LineyReborn · 09/02/2016 19:00

It's about compatability in the end, and whether someone else's reasons for divorce are inside your own parameters of comfort and acceptability.

Terriertwo · 09/02/2016 19:21

Yanbu this was a deal breaker for me. I didn't want to date anyone with marriage/kids baggage so I get where you're coming from. Everyone feels differently about it but for me I wasn't interested in divorces by choice. I can't say what would have happened if I'd fallen for someone and then found out- maybe all bets would have been off in that situation!

expatinscotland · 09/02/2016 19:34

I am divorced because my ex determined he never wanted children at all with anyone (he's now nearly 50 and married to a 52-year-old woman and they are happily childfree).

That being said, I think coming on MN when you are single and childfree and asking questions like this can give you a skewed perspective because most people here have children. The dealbreakers can change.

Mine at your age was definitely no kids. I just didn't want to take on someone else's kids. But was divorced myself so that was all right by me.

Horses for courses.

FlossieTurner · 09/02/2016 19:38

May i tell you about my son. He is such a wonderful man. So caring of all his family, his parents, brothers and sisters and his an amazing father to his 4 children. His wife loves him to bits she tells me.

She is an amazing strong and loving woman. Step mum to his eldest and such a good mother to her birth children. She is embraced by, and embraces our slightly bonkers family.

I am so grateful to her for marrying him. He is such a gentle person and she takes care of him as he does of her

I am so glad she took a chance on a man who had been married before. I understand your reservations, but I hope you will find as much happiness as my son and my DiL.

expatinscotland · 09/02/2016 19:47

You don't have to take a chance on anyone! It's a choice and if you don't feel it, if it's a dealbreaker to you, there is nothing wrong with that. Personally, I would have never dated a man who had kids when I was childfree no matter how 'wonderful' he was. It was just a no go. I didn't want a guy with such baggage and would have been the wrong person for him because of it, and for his kid(s), too.

I fail to see why women are repeatedly scorned for having dealbreakers, especially when you see how it goes for a lot of people who went against their reservations after being goaded to 'give him a chance'. No, don't. If it's not for you, then leave off and find someone else! And him, too.

MadauntofA · 09/02/2016 19:53

My DH was married and divorced before he met me (no kids) and a few yrs older than me. I was a bit sad that he wasn't doing it all for the 1st time with me, and we did have a few "when I was married before and it didn't work because we did this " type arguments in the beginning which I soon put a stop to I'M NOT YOUR EX-WIFE! But actually we are still here 12yrs later and having kids together has been great. He also didn't want to go through that again so probably has made him more patient and willing to work at our relationship. If everything else is great then don't worry, there are far worse things - could have been in prison for murdering his ex-wife!

expatinscotland · 09/02/2016 20:02

I would not have been offended if someone I was seeing decided to end it with me because I had been divorced. Seriously. People have all kinds of reasons and parameters. I was upfront after my divorce about what I was looking for, it didn't suit some and left me more time to meet someone like DH.

Vintage45 · 09/02/2016 20:08

I don't think him being married before is a biggie unless he's sworn never to marry again. There were no children involved either.

You're thinking is a bit akin to my dad once saying to me don't marry someone who has already been married, they're "used" goods, what an awful way to think

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