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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to care that he was married before?

62 replies

thetimestheyareachangin · 09/02/2016 15:55

For background, I'm 28, no kids, never been married. I've just started seeing someone that I met online - its been a few dates, some sex... but nothing too serious yet. He's a little older than me at 34, but I like him a lot, and I could see this going somewhere, at least in the short term.

Anyway, we went out for dinner last night and during a conversation about his living in a different country for a while he casually said "oh yes, I need to tell you something about that... I went because I was married and my wife got a job there". I don't think I reacted badly... I just sort of spluttered "oh?" as I wasn't expecting it! He then told me all the facts and there's no secret to it (no kids etc). I didn't really bring it up, just carried on with the night thinking "well its no different to having a long term relationship, so its fine".

However, on second thoughts today, I think I do mind! Not because I think that being divorced is some sort of stigma... but I guess because I feel like its such a huge step and its so very big a life experience to share with someone. I'm not jealous and I'm not worried about anyone else having lasting feelings... I think I am just... I don't know... worried that I cant live up to what came before?

Having never done it and never actually been asked to do it, despite some rather long term relationships, I guess I just always assumed that when someone asked me it would be because they thought I was "the one" for them. It's never really occurred to me that someone could have thought they found "the one" once before!!

I'm being ridiculous aren't I!

OP posts:

BeautyIsTruth · 09/02/2016 20:35

Yeah you are being ridiculous, sorry. I don't think you're going to find that many men by 35 who haven't at least considered marriage or children with someone else. I think if it really bothers you you're going to have to date men younger than you and avoid men in their 30s otherwise you're going to come into this situation a lot.

I'm the same age as you and I've never been officially engaged but I did talk about it with my last partner and we discussed what sort of wedding we'd want, children etc. To cut a long story short, it turned semi-abusive, and he was investigated by the police so I finished it. So on paper, I look wonderful. No marriages, no engagements, no children. Reality - absolute shit loads of emotional baggage, even more than some divorced people probably.

BeautyIsTruth · 09/02/2016 20:40

Sorry I meant to add, that my point is that even people who haven't been married before may have thought they had found "the one" or he may have got married because he was too scared to call it off or any number of reasons. I think at our age (late 20s) we're at the upper limit now of being people's firsts in terms of finding "the one." Which is why I suggest that you date younger men, as they're less likely to have been through it.

I would definitely find out why he got divorced. It might actually reassure you. I think you can tell a lot about men by the way they speak about their ex partners as well.

GrumpyOldBag · 09/02/2016 20:41

Gosh, who would have thought there are so many intolerant Mumsnetters who view divorce as a sign of weakness and lack of sound judgement.

DeoGratias · 09/02/2016 20:55

Your luck in if this is so as he is obviously the kind of man who wants to marry someone and will go ahead with it. Plenty of men and women don't. He has proved he will.

RedSoloCup · 09/02/2016 21:19

There are two long term partners in my past that I would have married if they'd asked me in the first 18 months, it would have been a huge mistake (I finished both relationships in the end).

My DH was previously married (divorced 7 years before we got together but had other long term relationships in that time).

So I think YABU to be at all bothered.

MsVestibule · 09/02/2016 21:32

Gosh, who would have thought there are so many intolerant Mumsnetters who view divorce as a sign of weakness and lack of sound judgement

TBF, I think only one or two out of 50ish posters have implied that.

times I do get why, at your fairly young age, it would surprise you. I started OLD at 34 - one of my criteria was 'no children'. I'd dated somebody previously who did have children, and it can be difficult. However, most people have married by the time they reach their mid 30s; I was a rarity in my workplace.

My now DH had been married before, and while I did occasionally feel a bit odd about it at the beginning, I can honestly say that saying our vows was the most special moment of my life, even better than giving birth to our two children. I wasn't thinking 'oh, he's already done this before'; I knew how much he loved me, and how important this was, and still is, to him.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 09/02/2016 21:34

Autumn sometimes you have no choice but to get divorced.I assume you are youngish. My XH started online dating, and taking out his misogynistic crap on our then 13 yr old DD. No evidence of this before marriage. I saved my DD, and myself. Still think I 'should have worked at it'. Maybe OP's story was similar though she seems to have gone Dream on Autumn. The real world will be waiting when you're ready.

wannaBe · 09/02/2016 21:36

I don't see how it's intolerant to not want to be someone's second wife. It doesn't necessarily mean that people view divorce as a sign of failure, just that they would want it to be a first wedding iyswim.

People are entitled to have whatever deal-breakers they want. I wouldn't have got together with someone who had kids either. After I split from XH I would have considered being with someone who had kids but having seen what a nightmare trying to blend families can be I think that would be a deal-breaker for me even now. And I would respect anyone who didn't want to be with me because I have a child. Far better that than put up a pretence and decide it wasn't for them months down the line after introductions etc had been done...

Pico2 · 09/02/2016 21:46

If it's about the romantic notion of wanting to be the first/only then you might bin a great opportunity for an unobtainable romantic ideal.

But this is spot on:
'I think it's absolutely normal, and right, to want to know exactly what went wrong in any failed marriage that a prospective partner was in.'

In a wholly unrepresentative sample of my friends, the women I know who are divorced are second wives. With the benefit of hindsight they married guys who were twats and that's probably why their first marriages didn't work either. Clearly their exHs didn't say 'well my first marriage broke up because I'm a twat', so it took a while to work it out.

Vintage45 · 09/02/2016 21:53

That's a bit harsh Pico.

Lot's of people end marriages for lots of different reasons and its not always the man that was a dick

Pico2 · 09/02/2016 22:10

I didn't say that is the case for all marriages that end, just the ones I've seen close up. Of course there are many reasons why marriages don't work out. And for each one that ends because a partner is unreasonable, another will end because things just didn't pan out.

Vintage45 · 09/02/2016 22:16

Maybe you don't like him as much as you thought you did? Or he's said something that subconsciously doesn't sit right with our about the marriage and how it ended?

For me, it wouldn't be a deal breaker if he was fun, caring and kind.

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