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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel tricked and taken advantage of?

508 replies

OohMavis · 09/02/2016 14:28

I'm a cakemaker. Valentines is a busy time of the year, but last week DH's brother asked me to make a cake for his girlfriend, so him being family, I fit him in last minute with a discount, price was agreed last week.

He came to pick it up today but instead of paying me, he's told me to ask DH for the money, because DH borrowed it from him Angry and off he went with his cake.

I had no idea DH owed him money. It was for some tickets to a show they went to together which his brother bought on his card for convenience. DH just forgot about it.

AIBU to feel as though he's basically got a free cake out of me, and feel really bloody annoyed and tricked? I'm not going to be paid for the cake (our finances are completely joint, BIL knows this, it would be utterly pointless for DH to pay me). My time has been wasted. I turned down a paying order for him.

Just so angry!

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 09/02/2016 23:00

Here's a great deal: pay for tickets to enjoy a concert with your db and then instead of asking your db to pay you back, you get his DW to make you a cake with a commercial value considerably more than the amount you are owed for which you give her nothing at all. Wow, he's onto a good thing, here.

SweetAdeline · 09/02/2016 23:02

for which you will give her nothing at all... but her husband will give her the full amount she asked for presumably. So she's not actually any worse off than if he'd given her the money himself as per the agreed price.

roundaboutthetown · 09/02/2016 23:15

If I'd been given a £30 favour by my sil in the form of a half-price cake, I wouldn't hold my db to a £30 debt and get my sil to collect it for me. His only excuse for such bad manners is that he maybe didn't realise what the full commercial value of the cake was and thought he was paying full price.

roundaboutthetown · 09/02/2016 23:18

The cake and the concert tickets should never have been connected.

roundaboutthetown · 09/02/2016 23:19

And the only way to keep them separate was to pay his sil the price she asked for the cake, rather than telling her to ask her dh for the money.

Zucker · 09/02/2016 23:35

BIL doesn't take you or your time or your business seriously is what it boils down to.

He'd be seriously downgraded in how I'd look at him in the future.

Christmas and Birthday presents downgraded too cos I'm mean and bitter like that Grin

donewithusernames · 09/02/2016 23:39

YA so NBU at all

AskBasil · 09/02/2016 23:40

YANBU

You didn't owe your BIL anything

But he's exploited your time and your labour

What a shit

I'd be really angry with him tbh, not because of the money or the time or the exploitation, but because of his lack of respect.

I'd not be making him any more cakes.

GruntledOne · 09/02/2016 23:40

Gruntled if you start at -£30 and finish at £0, you're £30 up.

Not if you've given the person a cake worth £60 and received nothing for it.

GruntledOne · 09/02/2016 23:41

And FWIW, I don't see anything that shows he'd clearly plotted this.

Unless it was a completely spur of the moment decision at the point when OP handed over the cake, he must have plotted it at least before he went to pick it up.

AskBasil · 09/02/2016 23:44

People think it's OK because it's a woman's labour and time and so it doesn't matter.

He wouldn't have done this to a brother in law in a similar situation; imagine if he'd asked a BIL to fit in his MOT on a busy weekend, or to build him some shelves instead of finishing off a paying job.

Everyone would be able to see very clearly the contempt for the man's labour, time and just general relationship, that this man was showing.

And actually, he just wouldn't have done that to another man. Not unless he'd wanted to make an enemy forever.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/02/2016 23:54

People think it's OK because it's a woman's labour and time and so it doesn't matter.

No actually. I've made my reasoning very clear, as have others, and the OP being female is not part of that. But seeing that that's an assumption people are making has made me decide to go to bed. I can respect the opinions most people here have shown. I'm not however going to waste my energy trying to have a civil debate over the implication that anyone who doesn't share your view is sexist.

lorelei9 · 09/02/2016 23:57

Elderly, mystified by that as well. To use the specific example of asking a guy to build shelves, I absolutely think this chap would do that.

But thanks for saying you're going to bed because I should really get off MN and go to bed too!

WahhHelpMe · 10/02/2016 00:12

Haven't RTFT but the BIL not paying and her DH paying the BIL is not the same thing,
She could have taken an order of higher value
If she knew it was to pay back she may not have offered a discount
Ok I can't speak to her business but she could have invested the money she thought she was gonna get to supplies for the next order, and not knowing the OPs finances and the size of the order DH may not have that money to give yet
You don't know if value of cake =/= cost of tickets

At a time where demand is high and supply is limited it's highly likely that the cakes are a little more expensive than normal so she could have made more money if they paid for the tickets upfront

Lweji · 10/02/2016 07:12

The other full paying cake and the discount are red herrings here.

The op decided to accept one order for less than full price. That was her decision even though she knew she might get other orders and that she was not getting the full worth for her work.

Removing those, the money entered her business accounts. This also meant that her husband (or her joint account) was less 30 pounds. This would have to be paid anyway. So the net result was the same regardless of who paid.

Sure, the BIL should have asked before if doing it was ok, but that's about it. The cake still earned money to the OP, as it would from any other customer she offered a discount to.

She only lost the discount she gave BIL. But she knew then she was losing money. OTOH another paying customer might not have shown up, in which case the cake for BIL wouldn't seem so bad.

roundaboutthetown · 10/02/2016 07:42

The point is, it's got got bugger all to do with money, it's about respect, and being thoughtful and considerate. I don't see how anyone could say it is respectful to tell the person who has made you a cake at a cheap rate in order to be nice to you that they should get the cash off their dh, because he owes them money. It shows absolutely no understanding of the favour done. Only a twat turns a favour into someone else's debt repayment. The fact the couple have joint finances has absolutely nothing to do with who owed the money. The cake business did not owe the bil any money. Cutting financial corners may have been practical on the bil's part, but it was outrageously disrespectful. He totally took his sil for granted.

Personally, I do not expect to be approached by my dh's creditors and asked to hand over money he owes them, whoever they may be. I am not my dh's keeper.

roundaboutthetown · 10/02/2016 07:51

It's not really that far off being given a present and instead of saying, "thank you, that's lovely," saying, "it's the least you could do, really, because your dh owes me some cash for a good time we had together without you."

gamerchick · 10/02/2016 08:19

I can't believe this beast of a thread still has people insisting it's about the money.

Take the money bit out. The OP has said its about how it made her feel but people still bang on about money Hmm

Glad your husband spoke to him OP

Lweji · 10/02/2016 08:35

Erm... people recognise he didn't go about it the right way...

The OP, to start with, made it about money.
She also recognises that on paper the financial side is fine. Not sure why some people still insist she lost out.

Anyway, I agree that the main issue here (or only) is how he went about deciding how it would be paid rather than discussing it with the OP if she'd be happy about it.

Many people wouldn't mind. Which means that he may not have thought she would. And that's why I don't think the OP shouldn't be too upset about it and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Although, she's got the right of not giving family more discounts on busy periods. Only fair.
And not accept any more of these offsets. Even if presented as a done deal rather than discussed.
Which is something she could have done. Call BIL on it when he said it was"paid" and said she preferred to be paid cash. I expect she was surprised and didn't have the presence of mind to object then.

OnlyLovers · 10/02/2016 09:41

I expect she was surprised and didn't have the presence of mind to object then.

And I expect that's exactly what BIL was counting on. His behaviour was a disgrace.

I'm glad your DH spoke to him, OP. I'm sorry he didn't tear him a new one though

fascicle · 10/02/2016 09:49

It would be interesting to know OP's dh's thoughts on his brother's actions, beyond asking him not to do it again. And also, whether or not OP's dh is going to do things differently in relation to future financial transactions with his brother. I don't think there's enough information on this thread to condemn the bil and say that this was premeditated.

GruntledOne · 10/02/2016 10:43

People digging at the husband are ignoring the fact that it's fairly normal practice between the brothers and that BiL has left a £200 debt to him unpaid for two years previously.

Only a twat turns a favour into someone else's debt repayment.

This.

Nadeshda · 10/02/2016 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stormtreader · 10/02/2016 11:18

So your DH got to go to a show, and in return you had to spend time and effort making a cake for essentially free? I'd be annoyed too.

Tanith · 10/02/2016 12:19

Some people have a very shaky grasp of business, it seems to me.

What BIL did was akin to me deciding not to pay Waitrose for my shopping because John Lewis haven't yet refunded me for a faulty washing machine. Same shareholders, innit?? Confused