AIBU to feel so strange and not know what to do?

[musthavebeentimeless]

Went on laptop before, accidentally went on DHs Facebook.

I read his messages (I know.)

The thing was he was joking and laughing with his friend about something that happened years ago but it was something awful and tremendously disrespectful to a woman.

I feel like it might not have actually happened.

But AIBU to feel weird about it, like I want to confront him but also don't.

I feel like I am repulsed by him, by what he said.

Hesterton
The more general aspect is how bad this 'thing' actually is. That is the main part of the thread and why it was originally started. There are no other aspects to focus on apart from that. If She was willing to tell us at the beginning then im sure we could have given some sound advice to the OP. Instead its all gone pear shaped and swerved to other things.

Grunt, I was 16, pregnant, feeling vulnerable. They were older and well rough. We were staying the night in their house. I didn't walk out for the same reason that my then boyfriend didn't walk out of the original scene - because we were scared, not just of physical threat but because of humiliation.

But in this case, the OP has made clear that nothing illegal occurred. So could be, for example, that some sexual act took place that the sex worker assented to but was degrading, and that the OP's husband then joked about in a degrading way. (I'm not speculating, just giving an example.) I imagine part of what OP might be struggling with is how to make sense of the transgression, how to categorise it if you like, knowing that her dp will probably minimise it and make great capital of it not being illegal. I wonder if she also fears that if she goes into details here, before her own feelings have fallen into place, she'll just get hundreds of posts condemning him and slamming her for not leaving him immediately? She needs to process her feelings, and focusing on the facts might be not what she feels is helpful at this moment.

I do wish troll hunters would think about the impact of their actions. "We don't believe you" is a really shitty message for a woman in OP's situation. I also don't get how some people leap on any story in the slightest bit unusual, or where all the facts don't immediately add up for every poster. Unusual things do happen, you know.

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Incidentally, I had an abortion. Which I'm not ashamed of in itself - I'm quite happy to say I've had an abortion - but only as a stand-alone fact. If anybody finds out I was engaged while still at school (they're always interested because I'm lesbian now) I don't explain the chain of events. I don't regret the abortion but it did compound the trauma of that time. It is very destabilising to find out that someone you have been sexually intimate with can talk about/view/treat women in that way. Let's be gentle with the OP, and with each other.

I completely understand Devora I feel horrified and find it difficult to believe when I think back to what I accepted from other people when I was 16 (which is the age I left home to live alone). I was worryingly obedient and with no self esteem (also a shy unwordly virgin) and have never disclosed to anyone apart from counsellors what happened to me. As AF said, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I agree with the whole of your post.

Cross-posted Devora. Was replying to 00:05:59 post, just for clarification.

This thread has gone totally off topic

I don't think it has, Flat

I think the op will be finding it helpful

Devora, glad you said that because I was having visions of that guy being the father or your children and someone you dealt with on a regular basis.

I don't feel the need to know OP details. It involved a sex worker and was disrespectful to women is enough info to understand why she's upset.

This has really annoyed me. MNHQ don't allow troll hunting because it stops genuine posters getting support.

I really agree. It's happening more & more. Flat, you're acting like a voyeuristic pain in the arse. At least shazza had the grace to bow out - but not before scaring off the OP, apparently.

At the sleazy (cheap) club we used to frequent as students, there was a mentally disabled young woman who was prostituted by her mother, also a prostitute. It was upsetting. I can imagine how some of the 'lads' discussed their experiences with her

Only if you think the topic is the details of what OP's dp has done, Flat. But I'm off to bed now, so will stop derailing

I am very grateful to read the latest couple of posts on this thread, some very sensible people.

Of course the OP doesn't have to give all the details, this is her life not Saturday night telly.

Garlicbake
You call me a voyeuristic pain in the arse for wondering what this bad 'thing' is! Im sure most are wondering if the truth be known.

And as for you previously frequenting such establishments. I think you have to question yourself because you sound rather voyeuristic and unsavoury.

I might be a nosey bastard but at least my morals do not come into question

Sorry but that would be it for me get rid. Not only has he done something complete vile I'm guessing, he has also brought it up and found it funny etc while in a relationship with you its fucking disrespectful.