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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel so strange and not know what to do?

89 replies

musthavebeentimeless · 06/02/2016 21:32

Went on laptop before, accidentally went on DHs Facebook.

I read his messages (I know.)

The thing was he was joking and laughing with his friend about something that happened years ago but it was something awful and tremendously disrespectful to a woman.

I feel like it might not have actually happened.

But AIBU to feel weird about it, like I want to confront him but also don't.

I feel like I am repulsed by him, by what he said.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 23:07
Wink
Gunpowder · 06/02/2016 23:08

Meh, asking 'how do I advance search someone?' is a bit like saying 'we don't believe you' IME. I get why OP feels defensive.

It's horrible to not be able to unsee something like that Timeless, I hope you make your peace with it.

Gunpowder · 06/02/2016 23:09

Aargh I am such a slow typer!

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 06/02/2016 23:11

Something about the name? Something like what? Help me out here because I'm not getting it?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 23:12

I dunno. Ask shazza.

RainOhJoyus · 06/02/2016 23:19

shazza really.
OP can you still get access and screen shot/take a photo so if he does try to minimise you know it still is what you read. Very sorry you've had the illusion if your partner shattered, amd can understand what you are saying with both if it did/didn't happen and how it will affect your relationship going forth.
You do have to talk to him and it might lead to you no longer being together and sorry for that, but in the long term it will eat you up if you didn't say anything/stayed.

SoupDragon · 06/02/2016 23:20

Really odd that isnt it? as soon as someone says about looking at past posts you wan the thread deleting? why would that be?

Probably because of a dim troll hunter.

shazzarooney99 · 06/02/2016 23:23

Really? then why on earth did op not say what hesr fella actually done or said that was bad.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 23:23

she doesn't have to satisfy your grim curiosity shazza

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 06/02/2016 23:34

Lots of posters choose not to spill anot array of details when they post. Really - lots do this. Are they all trolls because of that? I rather thought the troll ones more likely to contain a huge surplus of detail because they like to tell a story but a story without details isn't your usual troll MO. In my opinion anyway

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 06/02/2016 23:36

God that was a messy badly worded post!

HairySubject · 06/02/2016 23:36

I think you need to confront him with the information.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 23:36

makes sense to me, Mutton

MuttonDressedAsMutton · 06/02/2016 23:37

I thank you AF Grin

FlatOnTheHill · 06/02/2016 23:37

Anyfucker
It would be a lot easier if we were given the full story instead of half of it.
All this shit about " oooo I don't want to say"
Well dont bloody say anything at all then. By starting a thread with half a story and every fucker assuming and guessing it just gets fucking stupid.
Wine everyone

Gruntfuttock · 06/02/2016 23:39

This has really annoyed me. MNHQ don't allow troll hunting because it stops genuine posters getting support.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 23:39

I know, Flat

But I think Op has her reasons

Trust me

shazzarooney99 · 06/02/2016 23:40

all right guys i bow out xxxx

hesterton · 06/02/2016 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lorelei9 · 06/02/2016 23:46

OP
Ignore the shazza
Of course it changes how you see him, even if a theoretical thing
We can never fully know another person
I would confront though.

Devora · 06/02/2016 23:46

OP, I am so sorry you haven't found the support you wanted on this thread. Don't let one rude poster drive you away.

I completely understand why you don't want to detail what you saw, and see no reason for you to do so. I get how shocked you are feeling right now. When I was 16 I was engaged to a guy who was not ideal, in all kinds of ways. But I was serious about him (was in fact pregnant) when we spent an evening with some people he'd been at school with. They got talking about the time he witnessed a gang rape in the cloakroom. I asked why he didn't do anything to help, and he said, "I was too busy enjoying the view". His friends all laughed along (women and men) and I just sat there feeling sick, not knowing what to say.

When I confronted him later, he cried and said he had found it a very scary experience, he didn't know what to do at the time, and what I'd seen was just stupid bravado rather than any genuine thinking gang rape is ok. I believed him. But that made no difference to the visceral feeling in my gut that I just couldn't be with this guy any more. Not for one day.

That was many, many years ago. The girl I was then is light years from the woman I am now. But I still feel a strange sense of shame associated with this story, and still that queasy shock. It's not a story I tell very often.

I really hope you find the right way forward. And some peace.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 23:49

Devora, I am sorry you experienced that.

I think you have articulated the problem really well.

Gruntfuttock · 06/02/2016 23:50

Wow Devora. That's so shocking. I think I would've got up and walked out when he said that. I wouldn't want anything to do with any of them.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 23:50

it's not so easy at the time, grunt

hindsight is a wonderful thing

but you are right, of course

CockwombleJeff · 06/02/2016 23:52

I too hope that OP can make some sense out of this situation and hope that she can feel at peace very soon. Op talk to your DP. Thanks