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Original poster

Please tell me this is selfish and I'm not slipping back into depressive behaviour

92 replies

Greyparting · 05/02/2016 20:42

DH and I are trying to conceive. We already have DD who is wonderful, but time is cracking on at a frightening pace and I'm quite aware that time is running out for us (well, me really) to conceive.

Here's my issue: DH does not want to curb his drinking habits. He has drank every weekend for the past month or so at levels I am sure are potentially affecting his fertility. Over 1 night he will have a bottle of wine to himself and a couple of ciders. He thinks this is not binge drinking and is perfectly acceptable.

Just to clarify, I am not asking him to stop drinking completely, just that the period while we are trying to conceive to tone it down a bit to non binge levels. A couple of glasses of wine is enough surely?

Its the fact that it's been several weekends on the trot, last weekend it was a bottle of prosecco to himself and beers.

Maybe I'm too cautious but I really did think that drinking to excess weekly would be damaging to fertility?

Bit of background which might explain why I'm so upset by this. I had a terrible, traumatic birth with DD, left with many injuries as a result of hospital negligence and left without the use of my leg for several months after. I am diagnosed with PTSD and undergoing counselling and on medication. The PTSD has undoubtedly affected my thought processes and I fully accept that for a time I could be completely irrational and very difficult to live with.

At the moment I do feel well though. This argument has thrown me. Why, after everything I went through with DD, can he not just make a tiny, tiny sacrifice for a matter of weeks?

I feel so sad about it.

OP posts:
AlwaysHopeful1 · 05/02/2016 21:54

Does he want a second child though? It seems like he is purposefully drinking and refusing to stop even though he knows it should.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 05/02/2016 21:58

Oh and re: the title of your thread, I do not think this is any way a function of your former depression. Seems like a completely sound and rational emotion to be experiencing.

Original poster
Greyparting · 05/02/2016 21:59

Thank you all for your considered responses.

He maintains he does want another child, its like he's got this block up where he thinks he's being told what to do.

Before we had DD we were both a bit over the top at weekends, DH would drink to those levels more regularly, but that was a long time ago. I'm asleep after a glass these days.

OP posts:
RoganJosh · 05/02/2016 22:00

I think by cycle two it's very early days to be going into super-trying mode. I'd maybe wait until it's been six month before pulling out all the stops, if it was me, which it isn't. Smile

BillSykesDog · 05/02/2016 22:00

OP, I'm saying this from bitter experience. It is dehumanising for anybody when the focus moves from them as a person and their relationship as a couple to a myopic focus on baby making at the expense of any other aspect of their lives.

And you've only been trying for two months and you've conceived without problems before! Honestly, your levels of anxiety over this don't seem to be proportionate for the circumstances. I suspect that you're probably transferring some anxiety about TTC onto this issue as a way of avoiding what the anxiety is really about, which is your awful traumatic experience with the birth.

I don't mean to be unkind, but after years of reading fertility boards, it's normally women with no children who've been trying for years with no success who feel like this. It really does seem out of proportion to me. Sorry, but it does.

You've been trying for a couple of months, please stop panicking and getting so stressed, it's not going to do your TTC chances any good either.

Have you had counselling to deal with the aftermath of the birth? Do you think that could help?

Original poster
Greyparting · 05/02/2016 22:01

Sorry, in answer to your question, pre ttc, he wasn't what I'd call a heavy, regular drinker, a couple of times a month maybe, bit when he did, it would be the best part of a bottle of spirits for example.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 05/02/2016 22:03

the best part of a bottle of spirits

bloody hell that's heavy drinking Shock

Original poster
Greyparting · 05/02/2016 22:05

I've had extensive counselling for a long while.

I really don't think I'm panicking at all. I just can't see the point of potentially affecting chances when it's something you could easily not do as much. Its so simple to me.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 05/02/2016 22:08

I doubt it's going to affect his fertility if I'm honest, but it's not a level of drinking I would be OK with in the potential father of my child. But that sort of drinking is normal for you as a couple so I'm not sure there is much to say at this stage.

Original poster
Greyparting · 05/02/2016 22:09

It's not normal. I said in my OP that I felt it was binge drinking.

OP posts:
ovenchips · 05/02/2016 22:11

Hi OP. I am sorry to read what you have been through with the birth of your first DC - that's a tremendous amount of trauma.

If I have understood correctly, your DH is not drinking in the week but drinking a bottle of wine+a couple of other drinks on one of the weekend nights?

You had no fertility problems with your first child and this is your second month of TTC?

I don't think you say your age, so I don't know that bit of information to add to the picture, but if I am honest I think what your DH is drinking is very commonplace (I am not justifying myself or household - we don't drink alcohol at home).

I wouldn't rush to assume it was doing anything to your DH's fertility. I also think it's a bit unreasonable to ask him to change his drinking habits because you don't think he should be doing it while you are TTC. I think it's his choice. I think the fact that you won't be drinking when pregnant or breastfeeding is irrelevant too.

You are two separate people. If you want to curtail what you do while TTC then you should be free to do that. If he doesn't want to reduce his 1x week booze (that although not optimal isn't an unusually high amount) then it's up to him. I don't think you can force/ cajole/ reason someone into doing something like this anyway. He doesn't think it's a problem, so realistically there is no motivation to change.

Lastly, I wish you every success with TTC and having a second child. Seems like some good luck is long overdue.Flowers

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 05/02/2016 22:15

Hmmm, so do you think he's actually drinking more now then since TTC?

I have to say I'm swung by what Bill says; if he's not as anxious about TTC as you may be, he may not feel the need to curb what he feels is his normal behaviour. And as Bill says, in real terms you've no need to worry at this point!

I use the word anxious warily as I'm not suggesting you're unduly anxious, however it is an "anxious trait" in people (like me, and by the sounds of it like you) to not see the point of potentially affecting chances when it's something you could easily not do.

JohnLuther · 05/02/2016 22:16

It's not binge drinking in my eyes but then different people think binge drinking is varying amounts, I think that binge drinking is several pints with or without shots, or spirits/mixers with or without shots in a night and you wake up the next day hanging.

At the end of the day if it's not affecting his fertility and he's not hungover every weekend then why should he stop?

mathanxiety · 05/02/2016 22:20

If I were you I would be looking at a bigger picture of how life is with someone who has a chip on his shoulder about 'being told what to do'.

There is some sort of communication and personality issue going on here (aside altogether from what I think is problematic drinking) and I would not be trying to bring another baby into it, frankly.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 05/02/2016 22:26

math wow, really?? I am not feeling that from what's been said so far.

wotoodoo · 05/02/2016 22:29

It would worry me terribly if the father of my dc drank so much, not only do I think it is a waste of money which we as a family could ill afford, he would not be in a fit state to be much of a 'dad' especially if he couldn't help out much or spent the weekends nursing a hangover!

Too selfish to be ideal family man material in my book and I certainly would not want a second dc with him.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 05/02/2016 22:29

There's a bigger picture here. This isn't just about him not reducing his drinking whilst TTC, it's about 1) the fact that he's not listening to something that is concerning you, and 2) that he allowed your life to change completely since your DC being born, and continued to live his life as though everything is still the same.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2016 22:35

Everyone has different ideas of what is a lot too drink. I think a bottle of wine for one person is far too much. But other folk think it's fine. I don't know what the medical advice is on how much you can drink. Why not visit your GP and get their advice and then ask your husband to cut down if the GP advises it.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 05/02/2016 22:42

Whoah, some people love to condemn a relationship don't they. Even a relationship where the two parties have sat down recently and decided to try for a baby, presumably because they love each other or something?!

BillSykesDog · 05/02/2016 22:46

I agree with Vivienne ^ go and see a GP and see what he says. Be prepared though that a GP will probably be fairly unconcerned about drinking at that level.

Incidentally, given all the people on here who are saying that a bottle of wine at the weekend must make you a rubbish father, well in that case about 80% of the mothers who post on here on Friday and Saturday nights 3 sheets to the wind must be terrible parents too? How come they're not censured and are offered Wine and it's all a big joke, when it's a man he's evil.

I really can't see a grown man being too hungover to function after a bottle of wine.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2016 00:03

They have sat down and the end result is the OP still thinks of him as someone who resents being told what to do. Is he someone who gives with one hand and takes with the other? Does he feel he wouldn't have a leg to stand on denying his wife her desire to have another baby, denying his child a sibling, but he won't let her think she has got away with persuading him to do something against his will?

She has said this about him twice as far as I have counted, that he won't be told what to do. It is clearly something that stands out in his personality.

She has also mentioned that he said she was being ott when she approached him about drinking and insisted it was not a big deal. He is telling her that her feelings do not register for him. There is a power struggle going on here.

The OP provided a paraphrase of his thoughts on the matter:
'He's drinking because he wants to. Screw my feelings on it'

I am wondering if he continues to drink just to make a point, to show her she is not to try to tell him what to do?

There are some men whose idea of masculinity inviolves not allowing women to pussy whip them. I wonder if this is the H's feeling about relationships, deep down?

Soooosie · 06/02/2016 00:10

How many units is he having

Wolfiefan · 06/02/2016 00:19

He used to drink a bottle of spirits in one go? Woah. Major red flag.
Regularly drinking a bottle of wine in one go isn't good. Regardless of whether you are TTC.

BillSykesDog · 06/02/2016 00:30

He's not drinking a bottle of spirits now. How about how he feels? A bottle of wine a week is not that big deal. It's about average:

blogs.channel4.com/factcheck/factcheck-qa-the-truth-about-boozed-up-britain/9812

And those figures include women, so for a man probably a bit less than average.

math you appear to be working from the assumption that as a woman if she makes her feelings known on something he must comply. And if he doesn't do as he's told by her he's 'ignoring her feelings'. Do his feelings not matter? Does he not have any choice in the matter? He is being told what to do. They are a couple who have conceived before, as far as we know with no problems. He's not drinking at a level which would cause any great concern to a medical professional (and this is something I do know about having worked in a gastro and liver department). They have no known fertility problems and have only been trying two months.

Are you seriously suggesting that it's healthy in any relationship for a partner just to do what their opposite demands because it's their 'feeling' that they shouldn't do it?

ovenchips · 06/02/2016 09:36

If OP wants to curtail her behaviour to optimise her chances of conceiving, even though there are no compelling reasons to do so, she is entitled to do this.

If she wants her husband to curtail his behaviour for TTC without any compelling reason to do so and so he does not feel it necessary, that is something different.

I know of many people who drink similarly (as I said upthread none of them in our household). If, for example, a woman goes out and has a couple of cocktails then a bottle of wine on a weekly basis, I don't think anyone would say she has a problem with alcohol. Tbh I don't think it is an optimal amount either. But it is a very, very common amount of consumption - not on a daily basis but on a 'having drinks once a week' basis.

There doesn't seem to be any reason to think the DH's drinking is currently impairing their fertility. No reason at all. They are only 2 months in to TTC! So why does he have to change his behaviour at the moment?