Please tell me this is selfish and I'm not slipping back into depressive behaviour

[Greyparting]

DH and I are trying to conceive. We already have DD who is wonderful, but time is cracking on at a frightening pace and I'm quite aware that time is running out for us (well, me really) to conceive.

Here's my issue: DH does not want to curb his drinking habits. He has drank every weekend for the past month or so at levels I am sure are potentially affecting his fertility. Over 1 night he will have a bottle of wine to himself and a couple of ciders. He thinks this is not binge drinking and is perfectly acceptable.

Just to clarify, I am not asking him to stop drinking completely, just that the period while we are trying to conceive to tone it down a bit to non binge levels. A couple of glasses of wine is enough surely?

Its the fact that it's been several weekends on the trot, last weekend it was a bottle of prosecco to himself and beers.

Maybe I'm too cautious but I really did think that drinking to excess weekly would be damaging to fertility?

Bit of background which might explain why I'm so upset by this. I had a terrible, traumatic birth with DD, left with many injuries as a result of hospital negligence and left without the use of my leg for several months after. I am diagnosed with PTSD and undergoing counselling and on medication. The PTSD has undoubtedly affected my thought processes and I fully accept that for a time I could be completely irrational and very difficult to live with.

At the moment I do feel well though. This argument has thrown me. Why, after everything I went through with DD, can he not just make a tiny, tiny sacrifice for a matter of weeks?

I feel so sad about it.

[ovenchips]

I drink probably 10 units of alcohol a year. I'm not in denial. About my alcohol intake anyway. Plenty of other things, yes.

I don't understand that poster's point on this thread tbh. However, I guess that's academic anyway.

[Katenka]

I don't drink at all. So am unsure about what I am in Denial about.

I don't drink, haven't for 13 years. No problems, I just don't drink.

Is my opinion valid?

[kawliga]

the British are in denial

They are not in denial. They just like a drink. Just like some people enjoy smoking or eating sausages or any number of other grossly unhealthy but fun things to do with your body.

It's a valid way of viewing life. Not everyone is a fascist about doing everything possible to prolong their life. Some people also want to have fun along the way, and that's ok, it doesn't mean they're in denial.

[Shesinfashion]

You're being controlling and obsessive about TTC. I really think you need to address the trauma of your first labour and calm down.

[ovenchips]

Cor, thanks for high praise MathAnxiety

I'm not so sure we are saying the same thing though. I don't think she should expect her DH, for fertility reasons, to stop his weekly skinful, and make a gesture.

I think OP should tell her DH that the trying to control the possible TTC outcomes is all tied in to the trauma around their DD's birth and future pregnancy and birth. I don't know if he is currently getting that at all. I think they are currently at cross purposes at mo.

If I have read your posts correctly I think you are saying something a bit different. Fair enough of course, and I still thank you for compliment!

[mathanxiety]

Before you go, please read Ovenchips excellent post.

You are asking for evidence that the two of you are equally willing to put the baby project first, the relationship, the family life. You want him to appear willing to make a gesture, to set his own wishes and appetites aside and cast his lot with you.

I do not think this emotional need of yours is unreasonable in the least. It's something a huge number of women are able to take completely for granted in the fathers of their babies.

[dejarderoncar]

Seen from abroad, after 60 years of living in the UK, I am newly amazed at regular intervals by how much the British are in denial about their alcohol consumption and dependency. But that's just my opinion.

[kawliga]

I think this is a 'bait and switch'. You married a man who likes to have a glass of wine (to the degree he considers reasonable, he is a grown man and can decide this and many people would find this a reasonable amount to drink especially for a man) and you knew this about him before you married him. You never said to him that you will require him to stop drinking or cut back to levels you consider appropriate, while you are ttc.

Obviously things change, and you can ask your loved one to change out of love for you, but if he doesn't want to then I don't think you would be reasonable to insist. So, YABU. It's not like he never drank, and then after you married him he suddenly started drinking.

Like a pp said, he has autonomy to make his own decisions on this issue and he is not a baby-making machine unfortunately even though I get the sadness you feel that he's not doing more to make sure his sperm are as robust as possible.

Oh, and I do wish drinking a bottle of wine at the weekend was an effective method of contraception. It would be a great method of birth control. Throw out the condom and birth control pills. Replace it with a bottle of wine to yourself. Sorted.

[MrsHathaway]

Sperm/semen content is affected by up to the last ninety days' consumption. In an ideal world that means healthy living for three months before even starting to ttc. Giving up smoking, heavy drinking or drugs, getting a balanced diet including vitamin supplements if necessary, and keeping active.

Most people don't need to reach those levels of preparation to have a healthy pregnancy, but I agree it would be galling for one partner to be doing whatever they could and the other just not to bother.

I agree there's probably more going on wrt how he sees your life together v how you see it. I definitely think a bottle of wine plus several other drinks in one evening is a binge drinking session. While I wouldn't have objected to my DH's doing that occasionally while we were ttc, making a regular thing of it would have bothered me.

[Katenka]

I think the issue is, is that the OP seems to be equating the refusal to quit/cut down to how much he loves her.

I get the feeling that she thinks he doesn't love her enough to cut down while ttc. But in his head (and I would be the same) it's not connected.

The focusing in this one issue suggests other issue. I would guess the op is trying to distract herself from her trauma and worrying about it happening again by massively focusing on ttc. She sees his refusal to cut down as lack commitment.

I can't see why else she would be so upset about this.

[SeasonalVag]

Sorry, misread post....as a weekly intake, I'd say that's fine.

[ovenchips]

SeasonalVag I think that alcohol consumption is once a week.

[SeasonalVag]

I'm.pretty shocked at posters claiming that much alcohol is fine! Is it really every night?

[GnomeDePlume]

You are very focussed on alcohol. Why so much focus on this one thing? I could understand if you had had fertility problems. If that were the case then I would expect that you would both be wanting to maximise fertility and you would both have a list of things to do/not do. Instead you seem to have heaped all of your worry onto one thing.

[PicaK]

You've had a rotten and truly awful time OP. But i'd like you (and other responders) to take some time to think about the fact that so has he. That doesn't lessen what you have been through - but i don't think it should be ignored that he had to see you suffer and (presumably) support you at the bad patches.
How much support has he had? You've had extensive counselling - how much did he get?
I guess i'm wondering if he's being an arse cos he really can't cope with a situation where he's not the one in control. Is he binge drinking cos subconsciously he's terrified of you being in pain again - or worried that another baby will be the proverbial straw for the current situation.
Is it really about his love of alcohol or something else?

[Greyparting]

He must really love a drink then.

This is getting a little much for me.

I don't like the implications that I am demanding anything from him. I'm not a demanding person. Or that I'm controlling him. I have suggested he try cutting down. I don't know any other way to say it.

I would just like us to try and have a relatively stress free experience, wherever posdible. That's all.

I'm bowing out now. I'm expecting to be told I'm leaving it here because' everyone disagrees with me', so do your worst.

I am recognising it is not healthy for me to be arguing the toss with people I don't know and who don't know my history over something that I am very sensitive about.

[hownottofuckup]

Oh ovens advice is much better than mine!

[hownottofuckup]

Isn't it about 15 units a week for a male? So he"s not far off.
I think you're being over the top, which is probably why he's not listening to your concerns.
If he had 3-4 units daily that would 21 over the course of 7 days. More than he's having now.
I don't blame him for saying no tbh. I think you should calm down.

[ovenchips]

I think OP that because IMHO you don't want/ can't see that you are conflating two issues - the terrible experience you went through having your DD and your DH's refusal to reduce his once a week skinful, the best advice I can give is to tell your DH that this is what you are doing.

Tell him that you want him to reduce his drinking while you TTC because you need him to do something for you this time. That it is a very clear signal to you of whether he is prepared to make any sacrifice or not to acknowledge your traumatic time. That you need a sign that he will make even a 'tiny, tiny' sacrifice for you.

That you feel you need to try and take as much control of this future pregnancy as you possibly can, to avoid the terrible first time experience. It must be frightening to think that in order to have another child you need to go through giving birth again.

He might understand more and 'hear' you more then and get just how important this issue is to you, even though it isn't to him. Seems like an important thing for you both to talk about whatever.

And again, best of luck.

[theycallmemellojello]

Greyparting, I'm sorry, I truly don't mean to come across as beating you across the head. Yes, he is definitely drinking more than is healthy. It would be best for his health to cut down a bit. It might or might not help you guys conceive (I have no idea). And yes, I guess he is putting his vice ahead of your happiness, in the sense that you've asked him to cut down and he won't. But I guess I just don't agree with the principle that one partner has the right to control what the other does with their body when it's not directly causing harm to others. Obesity in women makes it harder to conceive (I think), but I wouldn't think it was ok for a man to demand that a woman lose weight in order to maximise her chances of conception, for example.

[Katenka]

You aren't been beaten over the head.

I just don't agree with you. Drinking may effect fertility. But you having being ttc long enough to even suspect there is an issue.

Your response do suggest to me that you are very anxious over this. I understand that.

But I don't agree he should stop drinking because you have and you 'think' it will hugely improve your chances of ttc.

If he drinks so much you are worried for his health why have you not tackled this before with him. If you have why would you ttc again with a man with a drinking problem?

I am not having a go. It's a genuine question. You seem to go back and forth on wether the drinking is a problem away from ttc.

[JohnLuther]

He's not drinking every day though is he?

[Greyparting]

I'm not asking him to do everything in his power. I'm not asking him to do anything outlandish or repressive. To simply try cutting down on alcohol consumption to see of it helps is conceive earlier.

[Greyparting]

Obviously I don't think it's good for his health either!

No, I didn't hope everyone would agree, I was after some opinions on whether or not the amount he was drinking was potentially too much (either or his health or fertility) I think it's fair to say opinion is split on that one.

The general advice out there is when trying to conceive, stick to 3 to 4 units a day.

There are around 10 units in a bottle of wine, plus the extra 6 to 8 in the beers.

Why am I being beaten over the head when there is medical advice echoing my suggestions?

[Greyparting]

No it doesn't.

I think that clears it up then.

I don't want another child with someone who is so determined to exercise that right, for reasons I just don't understand.

It's so easy to say this, I know- but truly, if the roles were reversed I can honest say I wouldn't be prioritising my short term pleasure over this issue.