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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he needs to sort planning!

22 replies

sooooophie · 05/02/2016 20:22

DH is desperate for children, but I'm not ready.

He keeps bringing it up and saying I could leave work (I like my job) and when I point this out he says oh, you could go part time then.

How do you compromise on something like this? x

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/02/2016 20:25

Well he could give up work or go part time so you can return to work full time...

Original poster

sooooophie · 05/02/2016 20:25

We couldn't afford that as his work is much better paid than mine. We just wouldn't be able to meet the mortgage repayments!

OP posts:

PuntasticUsername · 05/02/2016 20:27

What does he say when you suggest that HE goes part time?

I mean nobody really has to go part time if they don't want to, it's just whether he would consider it himself or just assumes it's something that you as the vagina-equipped parent would do.

PuntasticUsername · 05/02/2016 20:27

X-post...

attheendoftheday · 05/02/2016 20:29

There isn't an easy answer. You might never feel ready. He needs to decide if he can live without kids. You need to decide if you'd rather have kids than loose your relationship.

Couples counselling can be helpful with this.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 05/02/2016 20:29

Did you not discuss this before you got married? Serious question.

RortyCrankle · 05/02/2016 20:30

How long have you been married? Are you in 20s or 30s? Did you have a basic agreement about children before you got married? Of course it doesn't mean a person can't change their mind.

Perhaps suggest he might like to be a SAHP whilst you work if he thinks its such a good idea. Good luck, because there is no compromise as far as I can see.

marmaladegranny · 05/02/2016 20:31

How old are you? Young enough to leave it for a couple of years when you may feel more positive about a family

Original poster

sooooophie · 05/02/2016 20:49

We did discuss it but I think we should have put a timeframe on. We both want kids, I didn't realise he wanted them NOW, I am 24 so feel I can wait a bit.

OP posts:

witsender · 05/02/2016 20:52

Childcare?

Original poster

sooooophie · 05/02/2016 21:00

He wants our child to be cared for by a parent, but either way I'm not really ready xx

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/02/2016 21:09

I think at 24 you have time and you need to tell him to leave it an accept that it's something open to discussion in x years time and until then you don't want to be nagged!!!

Katastrophe13 · 05/02/2016 21:16

You are the person who will go through pregnancy, childbirth, give up your finanicial independence, have a body that will never be quite the same and do most of the childcare if his job is the one you financially rely on. You need to really want it because if you do it to keep him happy you could end up feeling resentful towards him for a long time. You are so young. Wait a few years until you feel like you want it.

HeddaGarbled · 05/02/2016 21:23

At 24 you have plenty of time so I agree that you shouldn't let him rush you into it. Do you have a rough timescale in your head so that you can at least say, not now, but in approx 4 years time, for example?

His stance re you giving up work is concerning. Wrong of him to expect you to give up work or go part time if you don't want to. Wrong of him to say he wants any potential child to be cared for by a parent when what he clearly means is he expects that parent to be you. That is dictatorial. He needs to consider your happiness, emotional well being and right to make your own choices not just go along with what he has decided.

I think you need to make your position absolutely clear: I want to wait x number of years and I may want to carry on working. Having children makes such a dramatic impact on your life and becoming a stay at home mum can have a major effect on a woman's sense of self and independence and the equality of the relationship, I really don't think this is something you should be doing much compromising on. You're not saying no, you're just saying not yet and he doesn't get to dictate whether you carry on working or not.

TheCarpenter · 05/02/2016 21:26

He wants our child to be cared for by a parent

Then he can go part time / be a sahd. If it's that important to him he'll make it work.

I'm not really ready

Then don't do it yet. Took me years to conceive one of my DC, I was ready, but I still had my wobbles. I cannot imagine knowing you're not ready and embarking on such a huge life change.

antimatter · 05/02/2016 21:27

how about if you keep developing your career until he can go part-time and your take home pay is sufficient? Meanwhile saving money and paying mortgage to minimize this expense?

notenoughbottle · 05/02/2016 21:41

You're still young and have plenty of time! I had two children by 24 and probably should have waited till now, I'm 31, to become a parent. Don't do something you're not sure about.

Original poster

sooooophie · 05/02/2016 22:35

He can't work part time in his job, and the difference between our earnings means he will have to work so I do think it's unfair expecting me to drop everything!

OP posts:

antimatter · 05/02/2016 22:37

you don't have to be SAHM after your maternity leave if you feel your career is important to you

plenty of mums work FT and share 50/50 parenting and household chores with fathers

Valentine2 · 05/02/2016 22:59

How old is he? Why is he in a hurry? You seem to have plenty of time and it's likely you don't earn as much as him because 24 is too young to be established in a career anyway. You can surely wait a few years and then try. Also, you don't really need to fix an x number of years as a target . You can set target of a certain level in your career where you feel secure enough and earn enough to go part time if you have to. Sometimes you really really want to pursue work BEFORE the baby is there. But after birth you change the plan. But you should be able to opt securely.

NNalreadyinuse · 05/02/2016 23:36

It does seem to be all about him and what he wants. The thing is, if you had a baby now, his life wouldn't change all that much. But yours definitely would. Easy for him to say he would like a baby, when he doesn't have to give anything up in order to have one.

It's such a big thing and shouldn't be done until you really really want to be a parent.

I would tell him a categoric no until you feel you are ready and tell him that is unlikely to be within the next few years. Pressuring you is not acceptable.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 05/02/2016 23:58

for goodness sake don't do it if you are not ready.

he sounds abit bossy. is he bossy in other areas?

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