My stepfather has chronic pulmonary obstructive disorder (CPOD) caused by years and years of chain smoking roll ups.
He moved in with my mother and me when I was 13, married my mother when I was 15. I never liked him right from the start, everybody told me I just resented him for his intrusion into our lives, which was probably some of the truth, but it was also because he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child. Over the years most people have come to realise how awful he is, my late grandmother, who liked everyone, came to hate him for the way he treated my mother.
He's now ill enough that my mother has effectively become his carer. She's 60, just retired, fit and healthy and young in outlook, and she's saddled with a selfish ill man who can hardly let her out of his sight. My DM has had a really shitty few years, my grandparents have both now died but in a past few years she's had to deal with her father deteriorating due to dementia and being a live out carer to her almost blind mother and him. She should now be able to relax, travel and enjoy life, but she can't.
His illness is also coming between my DD and my mum. They adore each other, and have the most lovely relationship. DD's other grandparents live abroad and my dad lives a couple of hours away, she hasn't really got the opportunity to build a close relationship with them so as far as grandparents go my mum is it. It used to be that my mum picked DD up from school one evening a week and they did an activity together, but that's more or less stopped now because my mum can't leave her husband for any length of time in case he has a choking fit. Even if DD goes to my mum's house it's still all about him and his constant coughing fits.
I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining our family like this. He knew smoking endless roll ups was bad for his health, not to mention everyone else's as he did it in the house, now not only is he paying the price but the rest of us are too.
AIBU?
To resent my stepfather for his illness?
Larkdedah · 04/02/2016 16:12
Feel for you op. Very easy to make judgments from behind a screen, don't feel bad for how you're (justified in) feeling now. Yes he's ill. Yes he needs care. Does that mitigate the years of care/effort you've previously put in? For what thanks? Guessing f all thanks. And now your mum is being put upon (again) and to put the boot in, your DD's relationship with her is suffering. Difficult and frustrating.
I don't have any answers and wouldn't wish to inflame the situation but wanted to let you know not everyone thinks you're unreasonable and certainly not "vile" (currently dealing with crappy "I'm family so my needs trump yours regardless" situation so sympathise...) 
I don't think you deserved some of these replies OP.
Your frustration and unhappiness were apparent in your first post, as was the fact that there's a backstory to your relationship that's probably not pleasant. I think you deserved a little kindness and empathy yourself.
You were very honest, and I think a lot of people struggle to accept issues like this when it's happening to them. It can be very upsetting to feel that someone you care about is being treated badly, even if they seem happy with their lot. It can also be very difficult to let go of the fact that someone contributed to their own illness when they perhaps could have prevented it. Especially when it has effects on other people and their health as well.
If you can arrange some sort of respite care for your step-father, for your mother's sake, I think that would be the best thing although if you can avoid providing that care yourself I think that might be better for you too. He doesn't sound like a person you need to be around.
And it's normal to want your DD and Mum to have a good relationship that isn't spoilt or affected because of your step-father.
for you and for your mum too.
Since I'm in a similar situation I'll say you're not vile.
If you want to be angry, be fucking angry. No one can tell you how to feel.
I'm fucking angry about my mum's situation, but I've accepted it's her life to decide what she does, but her actions are impacting on her relationship with her DGD.
I don't have to be happy about it. 
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