To resent my stepfather for his illness?

[Larkdedah]

My stepfather has chronic pulmonary obstructive disorder (CPOD) caused by years and years of chain smoking roll ups.

He moved in with my mother and me when I was 13, married my mother when I was 15. I never liked him right from the start, everybody told me I just resented him for his intrusion into our lives, which was probably some of the truth, but it was also because he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child. Over the years most people have come to realise how awful he is, my late grandmother, who liked everyone, came to hate him for the way he treated my mother.

He's now ill enough that my mother has effectively become his carer. She's 60, just retired, fit and healthy and young in outlook, and she's saddled with a selfish ill man who can hardly let her out of his sight. My DM has had a really shitty few years, my grandparents have both now died but in a past few years she's had to deal with her father deteriorating due to dementia and being a live out carer to her almost blind mother and him. She should now be able to relax, travel and enjoy life, but she can't.

His illness is also coming between my DD and my mum. They adore each other, and have the most lovely relationship. DD's other grandparents live abroad and my dad lives a couple of hours away, she hasn't really got the opportunity to build a close relationship with them so as far as grandparents go my mum is it. It used to be that my mum picked DD up from school one evening a week and they did an activity together, but that's more or less stopped now because my mum can't leave her husband for any length of time in case he has a choking fit. Even if DD goes to my mum's house it's still all about him and his constant coughing fits.

I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining our family like this. He knew smoking endless roll ups was bad for his health, not to mention everyone else's as he did it in the house, now not only is he paying the price but the rest of us are too.

[Larkdedah]

I resent the loss of her relationship with DD, but I resent my mums loss of her happyness more. She's had a really hard life, none of it was her fault, and now this. I don't want him gone, and want him well and treating her kindly. Not bossing her around and getting angry with her that he she hasn't bought him his coffee quickly enough.

[WorraLiberty]

Anybody want to pop over to the weight loss topic and tell the yo-yo dieters how selfish they are, and that they're all probably going to die of weight related illness/disease?

No, thought not.

Whatever his reason for not being able to beat his addiction, he was no doubt one of the millions of people who stuck his head in the sand and believed it would never happen to him.

Now it has and you can't spare a tiny shred of sympathy for him?

I realise you resent him but I think that says a lot more about you than him, in this particular situation.

[MissBattleaxe]

I can sympathise OP. I loathe and detest smoking, and have absolutely no sympathy for sick people whose sickness directly results from smoking. They chose to make themselves ill

People who are hopelessly addicted to something you don't like deserve to die horribly?

[HopeClearwater]

Have come on here simply to try to redress the balance. YANBU OP. Your stepdad has given your mum a shit time during their marriage, and now she has to be his full time carer while he dies an avoidable death. You can resent him all you like. It is obvious that you care deeply for your mum and don't want to see her in this situation.

It's your actions you can be judged on, not your thoughts.

[MistressDeeCee]

Shutthatdoor the OP doesn't have to love this situation and it sounds like he messed up a lot of her childhood too. Its absolute rubbish to namecall actually, she asked whether she was BU not how many names she should be called but hey, if you want to defend that do carry on I couldn't care less what you think. Im trying from my own perspective - not yours - to advise the OP - and you're not the OP.

[WorkPlayClean]

Surely you, or someone else if there is anyone, can give your Mum a break without calling it respite and making your step dad feel 'old'. Find out what he likes then play on it, eg if he likes old films you could get one he'd like and take it round to watch with him while your Mum goes shopping with DD. You may be bored stiff but at least your Mum would get a break and spend time with your DD.

[Nottodaythankyouorever]

I can sympathise OP. I loathe and detest smoking, and have absolutely no sympathy for sick people whose sickness directly results from smoking. They chose to make themselves ill

No one choses to die a horrid painful death which COPD is.

Compassion is a wonderful thing....

[MoreGilmoreGirls]

I am an ex smoker and I do have sympathy for you OP. He does not sound like a nice man but agree your mum has chosen to stick by him so there's not much you can do.
I don't think you're vile for feeling resentful. Try and support your mum as best you can.

[Larkdedah]

I'm angry on here, I never say how angry I am to my mum, I never say I don't like him, she doesn't need me upsetting her.

[logfiresspit]

"It's your actions you can be judged on, not your thoughts."

Exactly. Vent here, and look after her/them in real life.

[MissBattleaxe]

No matter how much you dislike him OP, I wouldn't wish COPD on my worst enemy.

[Shutthatdoor]

I couldn't care less what you think.

Nor I you MistressDeeCee

[Larkdedah]

I will talk to her about me sitting with him again, maybe this time he will agree to it.

I have sympathy for his symptoms, for his pain, but not for how he got there.

He's treated my mum like his servant for the whole of their marriage, now she's his nurse too.

[maybebabybee]

To be fair if my abusive (thankfully now former) stepfather had this disease I would think it was karma and wouldnt feel remotely sorry for him. One doesn't have to have automatic compassion for everyone with a serious disease.

However from your OP can't see if he's abusive or just a bit of a tit. If the latter, YABU I'm afraid.

[Valentine2]

DH had to choose between me and smoking. He knew I will pack bags and I mean business. Just because he was a douchbag to never listen to sense(doctors/family/health campaigns), your mother is now bound forever.
I would quit if it was me and DH. I have told him I am never going to stay if he got some health issue regarding smoking. Why should me and my DCs face the consequences of stupidly dangerous habit of his that he can't kick?
Your mother should quit or put him up with a carer to live her life. If they can't afford it, she should separate.
Blown other people's lives In smoke, has nt he?

[CocktailQueen]

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe here sometimes.

YANBU, OP.

I can totally understand that you want your mum to be happy and have some respite for caring for people, and I can understand you don't like your stepdad because 'he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child'.

But addiction to tobacco is an illness, like other addictions.

Sounds like your mum could do with some support and help and love from you. But ultimately it's up to your mum how she lives her life - she's stayed with your stepdad all these years for whatever reasons. She needs your support.

[Larkdedah]

I really don't wish COPD, or any other illness on him. I wish he was fit and healthy and a nice person, that's what I wish.

[Nottodaythankyouorever]

Your mother should quit or put him up with a carer to live her life. If they can't afford it, she should separate.

[Polgara25]

Does he need to agree to it? Though obviously it would be ideal if he does.

Your mother is not a prisoner? She goes out, you come in. You smile and put the kettle on.

It's hard, but try to put aside your own feelings towards this man and concentrate on helping your DM.

[Veritat]

I disagree strongly that OP sounds vile and all the rest of it, and I wish all these self-righteous types would exercise a bit of analysis and imagination. She plainly isn't being selfish, her anger is on behalf of her mother, not herself. I fully understand her frustration that her mother is prevented from enjoying her life because she is tied to a man who has treated her extremely badly over the years, and because he has an illness which he could have avoided if had listened to advice and hadn't assumed he knew best.

I think the worst feature is that he refuses to have respite care "because it makes him feel like an old man": no consideration of how badly his wife might need that respite, or the fact that if he feels that way it's hardly his wife's fault and she shouldn't be punished for it.

OP, I know it will probably be hard to persuade your mother, but can you get her to accept that she needs to ask for help and she needs to tell her husband that he is going to have to accept other carers coming in to assist occasionally, because the alternative will be burn-out which will mean him going into a home? She should contact social services and ask for a full assessment under the Care Act 2014 - it gives her some powerful rights, including the right as a carer to live her own life, and be facilitated in going out to work, to pursue her own interests, to socialise, or just to have a rest.

[NickiFury]

I would feel the same OP. Sorry for everyone concerned including him. It's a very difficult situation.

[ZedWoman]

My mum's mental health was destroyed by a similar situation to this.

She hated her stepmother. However, it was her father who became very ill and her stepmother (his carer) was horrible about it.

You can't choose your step-parents. If you don't like them, you can't cut them out of your lives as you can with other people you don't like. I saw the way the hatred of her step-mother turned my mother into a horrible person. When she finally foudn out she was dying of cancer (14 years after my grandfather died) my mother said she was pleased. My mother really isn't a horrible person, but she became one.

A very sad situation for all.

[WanderingNotLost]

Not having sympathy and saying they deserve a horrible death are not the same thing. But these days are so many resources available for people who want to quit smoking. Millions of pounds have been dedicated to helping people who want to stop. In the meantime, people who have various illnesses through no fault of their own have NHS funding applications for treatment refused because it costs too much. This happened to me. I applied for an NHS funding for a treatment that would have completely changed my life, but when it came down to it the PCT just looked at the numbers and said no. This is the same PCT who is praised by the NHS for giving so much help to people who quit smoking. At the end of the day, nobody drags these people to the shops and forces them to spend their money on something that could kill them

[Veritat]

No one choses to die a horrid painful death which COPD is.

They sort of do, you know, if they are warned that they will get COPD or similar if they carry on smoking, and they carry on.

[Larkdedah]

I support and love my mum, I'm just fed up of him sucking the joy and life out of her. He was fairly somewhat abusive to me, made it very clear he wanted me gone when I was young. He's not abusive to my mum as such, he just has always been the most selfish person I've ever met, and if he doesn't get his own way he goes into an almighty sulk.