To resent my stepfather for his illness?

[Larkdedah]

My stepfather has chronic pulmonary obstructive disorder (CPOD) caused by years and years of chain smoking roll ups.

He moved in with my mother and me when I was 13, married my mother when I was 15. I never liked him right from the start, everybody told me I just resented him for his intrusion into our lives, which was probably some of the truth, but it was also because he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child. Over the years most people have come to realise how awful he is, my late grandmother, who liked everyone, came to hate him for the way he treated my mother.

He's now ill enough that my mother has effectively become his carer. She's 60, just retired, fit and healthy and young in outlook, and she's saddled with a selfish ill man who can hardly let her out of his sight. My DM has had a really shitty few years, my grandparents have both now died but in a past few years she's had to deal with her father deteriorating due to dementia and being a live out carer to her almost blind mother and him. She should now be able to relax, travel and enjoy life, but she can't.

His illness is also coming between my DD and my mum. They adore each other, and have the most lovely relationship. DD's other grandparents live abroad and my dad lives a couple of hours away, she hasn't really got the opportunity to build a close relationship with them so as far as grandparents go my mum is it. It used to be that my mum picked DD up from school one evening a week and they did an activity together, but that's more or less stopped now because my mum can't leave her husband for any length of time in case he has a choking fit. Even if DD goes to my mum's house it's still all about him and his constant coughing fits.

I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining our family like this. He knew smoking endless roll ups was bad for his health, not to mention everyone else's as he did it in the house, now not only is he paying the price but the rest of us are too.

[Larkdedah]

I think she should assert herself more, but she just won't, she's too ground down by years of being treated like this that she thinks it's the norm. She'd think she was being vile (as vile as I apparently am according to so,e posters) if she stood up to him now he's ill. The only she's ever stood up to him over is DD, as in he complained she wa spending too much time looking after (this wasn't baby sitting to be clear, this was my mum calling me up and asking if she could have DD for the weekend) .

[Valentine2]

Nottoday, yes I understand that. I am using that as an example. I am not writing more explicitly on my experiences because I fear quite a few people might recognise me then.
Statistics are one obvious reason for me to think that way. I really do hope he survived although it does not look like he could have. He was so frail and looked like he had nothing left in the body. He was hardly 30 I think.

[HesterShaw]

Poor OP. She wrote down her perfectly understandable feelings and then put them in AIBU. The the first response was that she was "vile". Nice going, Mumsnet.

I'd be angry too OP. Angry and upset. He sounds awful

[CauliflowerBalti]

My Dad died of a heart attack caused by COPD. He stopped smoking 15 years before he died, it made not one jot of difference. He was autopsied, the cigarettes were pinpointed as the cause of his COPD.

He didn't have anyone to look after him, so he died alone and wasn't discovered until a couple of days later. Our one consolation is that he passed fairly early on in the disease's progression, so he didn't get to the stage your step-father is in, unable to breathe.

YABVVVVVVVVU. Even if you don't like him.

Support your mother. Insist that he has a carer occasionally so she can leave the house, stand up to both him AND her if you have to.

[Kr1stina]

"It's your actions you can be judged on, not your thoughts."

Exactly. Vent here, and look after her/them in real life.

This . I'm sorry you've had such a hard time , it's ok to be angry for what your mum has been through. I'm sure you are a good daughter to her and that you put up with your step father for your mothers sake .

Please try to support your mum in her role as a carer, you may not agree with her decisions but it's her life and she made her choices .

[Roonerspism]

OP doesn't deserve this vitriole.

Time is precious and the time between grandchild and grandparent especially so.

Why shouldn't she feel resentful? Yes, it's awful this man is dying, but no matter the cause, other people in the family matter too

I completely agree your mother needs respite. For her sake, and your child's.

[Larkdedah]

I know AIBU is a bear pit, I actually wanted honest replies because I'm so angry at him I know I'm not really being rational. I just want my mum to be happy and DD to get her granny back. It's not fair, and I know life isn't fair, but this could have been prevented.

[Flashbangandgone]

Poor OP. She wrote down her perfectly understandable feelings and then put them in AIBU. The the first response was that she was "vile".

Totally agree... I would feel resentful in the Ops situation. He chain smoked... Now he's damaging others as well as his own life..... However, resentment isn't inconsistent with feeling compassion towards a dying man, and I hope I'd feel that too. It is reasonable and natural to have conflicting emotions.

[BarbarianMum]

The thing is, your mum made and is making choices. She chose to marry an unpleasant smoker, she chose to stay with him, she is choosing to stay with him now. She could walk away tomorrow if she wanted to. Maybe concentrate on supporting her and avoiding him where possible.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

What did you expect people to say? That "of course you're not being unreasonable. What an arse your stepfather is for being ill"

how can you resent someone for being ILL?

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I totally get where you are coming from OP. I watched my Mum spend many years nursing a selfish petulant, demanding old man. Not once did he put her needs before his. He got insanely jealous if she so much as went to a fucking knitting group. In my case, he was my Dad.

Since he has died my mum is a different person; DH calls her the Merry Widow.

[FoofooLeSnoo]

As far as I'm concerned this should be a forum to express your anger, with the safety of anonymity. As in OP can express on here the anger she can't express in real life. Life is not always easy and yes we ALL have ugly emotions at times, even all you posters who have attacked the OP. Just step back for a moment and think about the pain this man has caused her family before you judge her. Correct me if I'm wrong OP but I'm sure you don't say this to your stepfather in real life?
I wish you the strength you will need to keep this inside so as not to hurt anyone involved.

[HesterShaw]

Stupid thing is, that when someone is dying, then there are a raft of conflicting emotions. I went to the funeral last week of a friend's father I loved dearly. He was the kindest, funniest most welcoming man I've ever known. I was chatting to his wife at the do afterwards and she told me that in the last couple of months of his illness she really disliked the man he had become because of his illness. They would snap at each other and she'd hate not being able to go out, and she'd hate the restrictions being put on her. It was a relief when he was finally at peace, as he'd been an awful patient. And this was after 50 years of the happiest marriage I've ever seen.

It would not have for one second occurred to me to think either she or her child (my friend) was "vile". Some of the you need to grow up and learn some empathy.

[MitzyLeFrouf]

'how can you resent someone for being ILL?'

Easily I'd imagine if you really dislike them and see them sapping the life from a loved one.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Your mothers relationship with her husband and the choices she makes are really none of your business, you may not like him but she chooses to be with him. You have not mentioned once how she feels, if she loves him or if she is devastated by his illness?

She could choose to go out with her able daughter and insist her very ill husband gets a carer but for the moment she chooses not to do this and you need to respect that which means letting your misplaced, and frankly immature, resentment and anger go and support your mum.

Judging anyone on how they get the COPD is vile, he's already paying a hefty price without that. Don't kid yourself your mum doesn't already know how you feel about him.

[ItchyArmpits]

Is there any possibility that your mother still loves him?

Anyway - you are not being unreasonable to feel angry. Your feelings are yours. You can do whatever you want with them. There are differences between feeling something, thinking something, and doing something. You can feel however you like. I think you've come to AIBU because maybe you think you ought to feel differently. It doesn't really matter though. You can feel whatever you want, you can think whatever you want. What you do/say is different though, because that could have a massive impact on others.

He IBU in refusing any carers other than your DM though. Caring is exhausting on so many levels and she will need periods of respite. I'm not sure I agree with pp saying that you should offer to take over - he is presumably aware of how you feel about him.

[Larkdedah]

My mum would never leave him, it just wouldn't happen. She doesn't see the bad in him, if she did she'd have left him while he was well. She'll care for him at home until the end, she was full of guilt when we had to put my grandfather in a home, even though his dementia was to the point where there was no other option.

[pasturesgreen]

OP, YANBU.

I sympathise and think you're getting undeserved vitriol on this thread. I'd like to see some of the holier-than-thou pps in your shoes, see how they like it.

for you and your DM.

[Veritat]

He might accept me sitting with him, he won't accept an outside carer. We used to use them for my grandparents when neither of us were available so we know some really nice ones, but he won't have it.

But is it up to him? Ultimately if your mother tells him she's going out and walks out of the door, he can't stop her. Yes, he can tell carers to leave the house, but he's the only person who will suffer from that. I would suggest an arrangement whereby your mother does just that but you, possibly unknown to him, are in another room - that way even if he does tell the carers to leave your mother will have peace of mind knowing that you are keeping an eye on things.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

YANBU OP, I understand your feelings even if they are unpalatable to some. I feel very similar towards my own dad, given that he's been an utter bastard to my mum her whole married life. She's now 'vulnerable' & can't do anywhere near as much as she used to & my dad is hell bent on making himself more ill than her as he cant stand not being the centre of attention. My mums not fit to care for him yet he's eating himself into ill health regardless of how that impacts my mum. He thinks he 'knows better' than medical professionals.

Sometimes complex & toxic histories & backgrounds do sap any sympathy you would otherwise have for someone so ill. I'm not in any position to care for my dad if when he makes himself ill, and I can see what's coming & I resent him for his actions now when he's been told repeatedly to stop what he's doing as there's no way his self inflicted ill health can be dealt with reasonably by either me or my mum.

[Veritat]

I really hope some on this thread that say he 'chose' the illness, don't drink, aren't over or underweight exercise regularly, eat completely healthy diets, don't eat sugar etc etc

Why? That would only be relevant if someone in that situation is denying that they've chosen to accept that risk. I'm a bit overweight, I fully realise that I am taking the risk of the problems that go with that and it will be my fault if they develop. If I don't manage to sort it out and develop the predicted problems, I won't expect other people to sacrifice their freedom to look after me.

[MorrisZapp]

Yanbu, he sounds like a selfish git. So unfair when life goes like this. Ignore the judgers, I'd be gutted if my kids relationship with a grandparent suffered because of the needs of a bully.

[Veritat]

Interesting how there is endless sympathy for alcoholism and drug addiction, it's an illness, but smokers can fuck off and die they brought it on themselves.

Not true, Alis. There was a thread on here very recently where people were being very eloquent about the hell of living with alcoholics. What is interesting, however, is the way smokers bring out that sort of self-pity if anyone suggests they're risking health problems and/or making other people's lives hell.

[FarrowandBallAche]

I feel for your mum. I can't particularly sympathise with someone that has brought this illness on themselves if I'm honest.

From what you've written about your SD he sounds pretty vile himself.

MN is very fickle at times. This is a prime example.

[Larkdedah]

I don't think either my mum or step father really know how I feel about him. I'm nice to him when I see him, occasionally I've said to her things like you should get him to get his own coffee once in a while, but she just laughs it off. My mum does know how much my grandmother disliked him and it really hurt her, I don't want to do that.

Yes, she does love him, it would be easy if she didn't.