To resent my stepfather for his illness?

[Larkdedah]

My stepfather has chronic pulmonary obstructive disorder (CPOD) caused by years and years of chain smoking roll ups.

He moved in with my mother and me when I was 13, married my mother when I was 15. I never liked him right from the start, everybody told me I just resented him for his intrusion into our lives, which was probably some of the truth, but it was also because he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child. Over the years most people have come to realise how awful he is, my late grandmother, who liked everyone, came to hate him for the way he treated my mother.

He's now ill enough that my mother has effectively become his carer. She's 60, just retired, fit and healthy and young in outlook, and she's saddled with a selfish ill man who can hardly let her out of his sight. My DM has had a really shitty few years, my grandparents have both now died but in a past few years she's had to deal with her father deteriorating due to dementia and being a live out carer to her almost blind mother and him. She should now be able to relax, travel and enjoy life, but she can't.

His illness is also coming between my DD and my mum. They adore each other, and have the most lovely relationship. DD's other grandparents live abroad and my dad lives a couple of hours away, she hasn't really got the opportunity to build a close relationship with them so as far as grandparents go my mum is it. It used to be that my mum picked DD up from school one evening a week and they did an activity together, but that's more or less stopped now because my mum can't leave her husband for any length of time in case he has a choking fit. Even if DD goes to my mum's house it's still all about him and his constant coughing fits.

I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining our family like this. He knew smoking endless roll ups was bad for his health, not to mention everyone else's as he did it in the house, now not only is he paying the price but the rest of us are too.

[PastaLaFeasta]

Haven't read the whole thread but I felt the anger was far more towards the treatment of her mum and that's completely understandable. It's a bit of a life is unfair rant, albeit caused in part by the step father himself.

OP your DD is very lucky to have your mum close by, we have no grandparents near enough for that kind of relationship and it is a shame. The only thing you can do is be there for her. Hopefully she will have many more years left to catch up with your DD and enjoy retirement.

[Lolimax]

Very very difficult situation. I loved both my parents dearly. We had a complex relationship, but not as close or as complex as theirs with alcohol, which ultimately killed them both. Am I resentful? Yes. Do I miss them? Undoubtedly so.
But do I have sympathies with the OP? Oh yes. My children have been robbed of a healthy relationship with their grandparents who never acknowledged their addiction or the damage it did.

[DontCareHowIWantItNow]

I'm terminally I'll and I hope to goodness my DH and family don't feel this way about me.

for you Bubbles

[PosieReturningParker]

People who are horrid don't become nice suddenly when they're ill or old.

[MrsEricBana]

Very difficult. My father died of COPD aged 72. He had smoked since university days and could not stop, despite my mum and I trying everything. My mother was the most caring carer in his final years but she is very sad (not resentful or cross, just sad) that he brought his own final illness on himself and now she is on her own, whereas all her friends still have their husbands. I can see where you're coming from really if he was never nice (though presumably she loved him) and she is now running herself ragged caring for him. At the end of the day you can't say anything, he's terminally ill and it is what it is.

[GreatFuckability]

I can see your side OP. my father in law was an obnoxious human being who led my MIL a merry dance for years and then spend his last decade becoming increasingly demanding and unreasonable because of his COPD. When someone is unpleasant to begin with, illness doesn't change that fact and I dont blame the OP for feeling the way she does.

[whois]

I don't think you sound bad. Basically he's treated your mum like shit and now continues to do so but now needs her and she'll never get away.

[amarmai]

hope for everyone's sake ,op, that your mum will decide to put him in a care facility . She made a choice that impacted -vely on everyone in her house when she allowed this man to move in. Just because she made a bad choice then , she does not have to compound it by allowing him to make use of her for his benefit for the next decade or more. When he moved in did he contribute to the finances fairly?Or was he looking for a 'purse' then and now he needs a 'nurse'? Ignore the personal attacks ,op. They cannot put themselves in your shoes.

[ssd]

I think part of you is angry at your mum as well op, I don't think it's all directed at your step dad. I think you are angry that your mum has chosen this life and you wish she could have made better choices. But unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about her choices. It must be very heart breaking and frustrating for you to watch it all. But I don't think there's much you can do about it, except post here to get it out of your system (even if you are vilified, which is unfortunate) and put a smile on in front of your mum.

[Audweb81]

I get it, you're allowed to be angry. We're all human and if we saw our mother treated like crap, then having to out her life on hold for the person that did it, I know I would find it tough too. Not quite the same but my mum is having to live with the consequences of my fathers behaviour at the age of 60, and I love my father dearly, and its tough to handle it, when you know the person deserves better. Its not about the illness as such, as the impact that it has on your mums life. Its frustrating and difficult and getting your mum to walk away is perhaps impossible, seeing as she has stayed all this time. I think pressing for respite is the only way. Are there copd organisations that could assist or help support your mum? Perhaps get advice from them first. Its so tough. I'm so angry with my dad, yet I love him, and am so sad for my mum...i can only imagine how you feel.

[SkaterGrrrrl]

YANBU to wish your mum could enjoy her retirement.

I had a terrible stepdad who treated my mum like a skivvy. I used to get so angry on her behalf. He treated her like dirt and she slowly turned from a happy confident person into an anxious and bitter person.

[pippistrelle]

OP - YANBU. It's perfectly possible to have compassion for someone with a horrible illness, and yet still not like them, and resent them for how they treat your loved one. I find it hard to believe that some people can't see that. Horrible people get ill too.

Also, agog at the irony of berating you for a lack of compassion in terms that display a breathtaking lack of compassion. Must be some sort of projection.

[Borninthe60s]

Your,mums choice, she's still with him so you need to get over that. Then when you've accepted the life your mum has chosen you need to stop judging his addiction which has resulted in his illness.

[Larkdedah]

I can cope with being vilified, I'm a grown up, and part of me does think being angry with a person that ill isn't something a nice, kind person would do. The only thing on this thread that's bothered me is any insinuation that I'm angry with my step father because his illness means I've lost my mother as a babysitter. Sometimes I've asked my mum to babysit, because I know she likes to be asked, sometimes (before sf was so ill) she'd say no because she was busy or tired, which was fine, I've other options.

[HPsauciness]

OP, I sympathise, it's awful when your mum takes up with someone not nice and your life is changed for the worse because of it. It doesn't even sound like hers has been changed for the better either, which is a shame, as it was the only reason to justify yours being changed for the worse by the intro of a not very nice stepdad.

I think you just have to do what I suspect you have done, which is support your mum to her face, offer to help, encourage her to get respite etc. To not be able to go out once a week to see your granddaughter is indeed a shame, and suggests he doesn't prioritise you and your family at all- this would be an ideal time for respite/someone else to sit with him.

He may not be around that much longer, though be prepared for her to be very sad about this, as despite what you think, she is very devoted to him and I'm sure she won't want to hear bad things about him (even if you think them in your head).

You are allowed to dislike your mum's new partner for any reason, one of mine was awful for lesser reasons, but I think being quite selfish, abusive to her, keen to get rid of you and selfish in his illness is quite a few good reasons.

[Larkdedah]

I'm afraid I'm not going to stop judging his addiction. I reckon at least 50% of the people I know have been smokers at one time or another, some of them very heavy smokers, and they've all managed to give up. He's lazy, and simply couldn't be bothered to even try, or even try to cut down.

[Lockheart]

I hear you OP you are so not BU.

I am in almost the same situation, except it's my bio father and he has a non-fatal degenerative disease. Now let's be clear - I do not hate or resent him for having this disease.

I hate and resent him because he won't take his tablets, or do his exercises, or follow the diet, or drink enough, or listen to any advice his (wonderful and we're VERY lucky to have) consultant gives him. Frankly I think the consultant is wasting her time - there are thousands of people in the UK with this condition who would love to be looked after by an international expert like her. He squanders it and acts like going to see her is a huge inconvenience.

I hate and resent him because he can't bother his arse to make even the slightest concession to looking after himself. He doesn't even organise his prescriptions.

I hate and resent him because he treats my mother like a skivvy and who throws temper tantrums 15 times a day, then sulks and stonewalls her for the most stupid reasons. He sulks if mum goes out without him and sees friends. He has tried to sabotage her job on more than one occasion because he wants her all to himself. He even resents me and my brother because when we're all together my mums attention is elsewhere. He refuses to talk to my mum for a whole day if she gets out of bed to walk the dogs when he wants to lie in and cuddle (it should be pointed out that he bought the dogs, and dogs need walking). He has treated my mother like his servant ever since I can remember.

I hate and resent him because he is a sexist, misogynistic, arrogant, selfish, lazy, controlling, emotionally abusive bastard who expects everyone else to satellite round him and to jump at his command.

Honestly I wish my mum would stand up for herself and start telling him no. She is grinding herself into the ground. If they did divorce, she would have everything to gain - her freedom, her happiness - and he has everything to lose. You'd think he'd treat her better, given that. Even she can't wait for days when he goes out to work and she doesn't have him hanging around waiting to snap. She knows she is happier when he's not there.

Just because someone is ill does not mean they can be a complete and utter bastard. And being ill is not an excuse for being a complete and utter bastard.

[Larkdedah]

Incidentally, I frequently suffered from bronchitis as a child and a teen, and now have, admittedly mild, asthma. I also suffered from his addiction.

[leelu66]

YANBU OP

it sounds like he doesn't deserve your mum. I'm actually angry for you and your mum. he sound like a tosspot who has landed on his feet with a rich and kind wife.

is he abusive? do you know why your mum stays with him?

Why does he need someone to sit with him?

[Shutthatdoor]

Bubbles

[Sunflower1985]

I don't think YABU to feel this way (and have a rant about it on mn).
I may be projecting, but it can't have been easy to have your parents divorce and your dm marry someone you've never gotten on with.
Now you have a dd and want her relationship to be better than yours - but the same man is still getting in the way. Que flashbacks to feeling you're not the most important person in your dm's life. Fair enough for an adult, but try explaining that to a child without emotionally scarring them.

Don't let the hurt destroy you, OP.

[Hamishandthefoxes]

Yanbu op. I went to my granny's funeral on Monday - she died of COPD. To be honest if was a relief when she died - she couldn't talk and barely walk. She was lovely, gentle, kind and had never smoked.

Unfortunately my grandfather smoked 60 a day for 35 years in the house (because it was his / not theirs). His smoking killed him quickly 30 years ago. Selfish bastard.

[1AngelicFruitCake]

I'm really shocked at the hard time people on here have given the OP.

She's telling us that she's never liked the way her stepdad treated her mum and now he's I'll (from something presumably her mum begged him to stop doing) and she now is his carer. Just because someone is ill doesn't mean they're an angel or above criticism. Sounds like your mum is having a terrible time.

Why can't the OP feel bitter that her daughter is also suffering? Easy for us on a forum to judge her when we don't have to deal with this in real life.

[Flashbangandgone]

It's bizarre how threads can turn... It started off with a constant stream of vitriol, only to be replaced by almost unanimous sympathy.... Weird. Where are those who were so vitriolic to start with? Has the counter-arguments persuaded them of the superficiality of their stance?

[ShitFacedTinyTim]

Frankly I think that's a spiteful, selfish and downright heartless attitude. How about getting off your bloody high horse and looking after your stepdad for a day so your mum can spend a day with your dd?

You may not give a flying fuck what happens to him, but your mum does and whatever you feel about your stepdad, it's NOT ABOUT YOU. Your mum will be needing your support so how about you get out there and try to be a decent human being rather than sitting back and throwing yourself a pity party for someone else's illness.