To resent my stepfather for his illness?

[Larkdedah]

My stepfather has chronic pulmonary obstructive disorder (CPOD) caused by years and years of chain smoking roll ups.

He moved in with my mother and me when I was 13, married my mother when I was 15. I never liked him right from the start, everybody told me I just resented him for his intrusion into our lives, which was probably some of the truth, but it was also because he's a passive aggressive patronising lazy sexist man-child. Over the years most people have come to realise how awful he is, my late grandmother, who liked everyone, came to hate him for the way he treated my mother.

He's now ill enough that my mother has effectively become his carer. She's 60, just retired, fit and healthy and young in outlook, and she's saddled with a selfish ill man who can hardly let her out of his sight. My DM has had a really shitty few years, my grandparents have both now died but in a past few years she's had to deal with her father deteriorating due to dementia and being a live out carer to her almost blind mother and him. She should now be able to relax, travel and enjoy life, but she can't.

His illness is also coming between my DD and my mum. They adore each other, and have the most lovely relationship. DD's other grandparents live abroad and my dad lives a couple of hours away, she hasn't really got the opportunity to build a close relationship with them so as far as grandparents go my mum is it. It used to be that my mum picked DD up from school one evening a week and they did an activity together, but that's more or less stopped now because my mum can't leave her husband for any length of time in case he has a choking fit. Even if DD goes to my mum's house it's still all about him and his constant coughing fits.

I'm so fucking angry with him for ruining our family like this. He knew smoking endless roll ups was bad for his health, not to mention everyone else's as he did it in the house, now not only is he paying the price but the rest of us are too.

[venividivicky]

OP. I haven't read the whole thread. Like others I read the first page and couldn't believe the bad press you were getting - and I lost a parent to this awful illness.

Nicotine is apparently more addictive than heroin and I would never blame someone for being unable to give up, even though I might think they are mad to consider in the face of the known risks. I believe in freedom of choice but we have to face the consequences of our choices, as your stepfather is doing.

However, it is a terrible burden on your mother and I understand your love and concern for her. I completely understand why you feel resentful that he is intruding on the few precious hours your mum spent with her DGD.

Do you know what the prognosis is?

[tilliebob]

I haven't RTFT as it's the middle of the night but I'm up as I'm upset - again. I lost my dad a few months ago to COPD. Mainly due to his 50 years of smoking amongst other things (his occupation didn't help either) but mainly due to the fags. His dependence on smoking and OMFG did we have some arguments about it over the years means he's left us at a relatively young age, also made my mum his career for the last few years, has deprived us of a father and grandfather....we're all devastated. I can say hand on heart that I don't know which way is up and I have to carry my mum through most days in amongst dealing with work, my dcs, and everything else.

I have often stood by his headstone yelling and railing at him - I hope every bloody dirty fag was worth it. I hope he's happy now and that he can see how unhappy we all are, left behind and struggling to cope with him leaving us years early due to an entirely preventable condition.

No I don't need therapy, I've spoken to our family doctor and he understands my frustration and says it's a stage. I know people have to give up for their own sake but my dad only gave up when he no longer had the breath to take a draw, and the fear set in that this was his life and reality now and that he'd effectively scuppered himself.

I won't be returning to this thread as you may realise that it's a emotive subject to me and mine. Kick me down and pull it apart - you won't make me feel any worse than I already do or change my mind - you haven't been watching your father smoke himself to death for the past 3 decades.

[Dollymixtureyumyum]

Wow can't believe be how this thread has turned from the first couple of pages of comments having a right to at the OP. Glad it has as I think some of the comments to the OP were disgusting

[Sorebigtoes]

We are seeing the same - My MIL is spending every last ounce of herself looking after her quite awful husband in his illness. I neither understand it nor accept the affect it has had on her life and relationships with other family members. But it's her choice and there's nothing to do but rant when she cant hear. So sad.

[LumelaMme]

Marnia, I'm sorry about your dad, and it sounds hideous, but have you read what the OP has said?
That her SD wants His Wife and no one else to look after him?
That he was a shit BEFORE he got ill?

My understanding is the OP is not so much angry that her stepfather is ill, but that he is being is same-old-same-old controlling, bullying, domineering bastard he always was about the care he will and will not accept, and is treating her DM like a skivvy.

The people calling her vile should lay off a little.

[Marniasmum]

My dad, who has never smoked a cigarette in his life, has a similar disease.
He describes it as feeling waterboarded every few minutes.I can't even begin to imagine feeling so bitter towards somebody suffering like that.can you not see how continually suffering woul;d make a person cranky and unreasonable.
It is very very hard on your mum, so why don't you actually step in and sit with your step father so she can have a break.

[ifyoulikepinacolada]

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. I'm sorry things are so hard. I think it's incredibly selfish of him to be refusing respite care too - I can't imagine how difficult your mum must be finding things. I hope ranting helps even just a little bit!

[Radyward]

I support you op. If he has been vile to everyone and alienated others in your family too and his behaviour towards your mother isint good . Some people are awful patients even if they have life limiting disease iykwim . It's awful your mother is looking after a selfish man but that's her choice . If she is happy so be it. Not getting any breaks for herself is very very hard .
People sick or well can be vole individuals

[JapaneseSlipper]

"I think the posters who are saying op is vile all have relatives who are suffering from COPd or similar, and that is colouring their view.

They are not considering that op has a poor relationship with her stepdad - and with good reason. They need to step out of their own experience and try to think about how the op feels."

CocktailQueen exactly this. Some posters have even stated it - "I have X relative who has COPD" - well then, no wonder you're sensitive about it.

Other posters have had abusive stepfathers, so can apply their experience to the OP's. Most of us have seen someone die from an awful disease and know what that is like. But not everyone has suffered the particular experience of having an unwelcome, unpleasant man come into their lives and dominate their much-loved mother's time to the detriment of everyone else.

Yes, our mothers are adults - but it's 100% human to direct the anger, resnetment or frustration at the unpleasant "intruder".

[Fratelli]

Copd is awful and I doubt he's enjoying it tbh op. However, your dm has made a choice to care for her husband and I think it sounds like yo resent him for a variety of issues. Could you look into some respite options or home help so that your mum could have a rest and spend some time with her granddaughter?

[JapaneseSlipper]

OP, I'm so sorry about your situation, and about the responses you've received on the first page. Not sure if balance restored later on, can't read any more, too depressing.

I completely understand your feelings. I am sure that you do not WISH this person to be suffering - you just wish they had never appeared in your life in the first place. Am I right? If only your mum had picked a different person, everything would be better.

No answers really, but I hope you can open up to your mum and talk to her, let her know that your daughter is only young once and that she is missing it. I really feel for you.

[CocktailQueen]

I think the posters who are saying op is vile all have relatives who are suffering from COPd or similar, and that is colouring their view.

They are not considering that op has a poor relationship with her stepdad - and with good reason. They need to step out of their own experience and try to think about how the op feels.

[spanky2]

I think the posters saying op is vile maybe don't have the experience of dealing with a personality disorder. I get what you're saying op.

[anotherBadAvatar]

Since I'm in a similar situation I'll say you're not vile.

If you want to be angry, be fucking angry. No one can tell you how to feel.

I'm fucking angry about my mum's situation, but I've accepted it's her life to decide what she does, but her actions are impacting on her relationship with her DGD.

I don't have to be happy about it.

[maybebabybee]

I don't think anyone is debating the seriousness of the disease (my granddad has it FWIW), merely pointing out that just because a nasty person has a nasty illness it doesn't a) make them any less nasty and b) suddenly make them worthy of endless compassion.

My ex stepfather was an abusive bully who hit my mother. If he gets some dreadful illness I certainly won't be feeling sorry for him.

[Roonerspism]

fun I'm sorry for your relatives. That is awful.

No one is saying you don't get out much. But you are fortunate to love these relatives. The OP has very conflicting emotions.

That people can't understand that, or find it horrifying, does make me wonder how much of life they have seen in terms of people, yes.

[FunintheSun15]

The drama queens carrying on about it being one of the worst posts they've ever seen apparently don't get out much.

This 'drama queen' currently has a FIL dying of COPD and my DM has just been diagnosed with a brain tumour.

It is a horrendous disease.

But hay according to you I'm lucky and don't get out much.

[Roonerspism]

Empathetic - not emphatic- sorry

[Roonerspism]

battle I'm not discussing the disease - I have no doubt COPD is anything other than hideous.

What I refer to is the ability of a normal, good, emphatic human being like the OP to feel like she does about her step-father. In spite of the awfulness of his disease.

The OP isn't "vile". She is honest.

[MissBattleaxe]

Roonerspin- This "drama queen" watched a beloved close family member die of COPD. The OP is not unreasonable to dislike her stepfather, but it's a hideous disease. The worst thing I've ever seen. Anyone who has it, no matter what they've done has my sympathy. As do their carers.

Lucky them ???

[Roonerspism]

I think the drama queens just probably haven't seen much of real life. Lucky them!

[HermioneWeasley]

He sounds awful. It's hard watching someone you love being ground down by their partner - I've seen it several times.

But it is your mother's choice - she chose to stay with him while he was healthy and selfish and now she's choosing to be his carer and reduce her time with her DGD. He's not forcing her.

[StrangeLookingParasite]

I don't think you're unreasonable, and I don't at all think you're vile. The drama queens carrying on about it being one of the worst posts they've ever seen apparently don't get out much.

One of the most awful threads I've read in a long while.

Not remotely.
I can completely understand where you're coming from. Being terminally ill doesn't make someone a saint, either, and this guy doesn't sound like he was especially lovely before.

[Sparkletastic]

YANBU op - he sounds like a selfish and unpleasant drain on your mum. I can see why you are mourning the life that you all might have had without him.

[Birdsgottafly]

""and part of me does think being angry with a person that ill isn't something a nice, kind person would do. ""

It's a perfectly natural response, over time and if we act on that resentment, we protect ourselves.

I worked in end of life care, the patients (mostly men) sometimes would feel sadness that their family (mainly the women) couldn't care for them at home.

Caring impacts on your health, emotional wellbeing and shortens your life.

You look for something to blame and if the sufferer has contributed to their condition, you focus on them.

I was on a course, with a woman, whose 22 year old son had jumped off a balcony into his swimming pool, it left him with multiple life long injuries. SS provided her with 10 hours a week respite, 2.5 were spent on the course that we were on.

She told me that she struggled daily not to resent and even hate him at times, the same applied to his mates.

What I will say, though is that I'm very 'caring' in my personal relationships, it makes me happy, to look after others. My eldest DD causes me stress because she's often told me to not do that.

I've had to tell her to butt out of the choices that I make. I wouldn't put anyone in front of spending time with my GD.

What is his prognosis?